Jokes

[wally2450]

A newly married couple was walking along in their village along a
winding country road. The husband had been trying to figure out a way
to approach his new wife for sex, since they hadn't yet consummated
their vows and the sexual tension was beginning to be more than he
could handle. As they walked, they came across a cow and a bull
engaged in the act of reproduction. The husband leaned over to his
new bride and whispered in her ear; "Darling, would you like me to do
what the bull is doing?"

"Do what you want," she says, "but take care, since that is not our
cow.

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/189835.jpg

 

[wally2450]

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.

He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."...

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!

 

[wally2450]

We live in a modern technological society. This is an age of speed.
It is no wonder that the effects are seen in affairs of the heart A
fellow meets a girl at cocktail time and before midnight they are
engaged. Next morning he presents her with the ring. That afternoon
he buys her a mink coat, a beautiful gown, nylon stockings, silk
undies, and a revealing silk negligee. And that same night everything
is off.

 

[wally2450]

A boy walks up to his dad and ask him "Dad what is that thing
between a
girls legs that has hair on it?"

His dad said, "Well son that is called a vagina."

His son thought about that for a minute and then ask, "OK then, what
is
that little thing that looks like a really small penis in a woman's
vagina?"

"Well they call that a clitoris son," said the father.

"OK dad, just one more question... What is that really smooth peice
of
skin that is below a woman's vagina?"

The boys dad thinks about this for a minute and says, "Well son, I
don't
know the medical term for it but I just call it a chin rest."

 

[wally2450]

1-liners
Virginity can be cured.

What do you call an eighty year old impotent sailor?
A salt with a dead weapon.

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362
admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't
love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.

While doing home improvements, I found that the kitchen tile I was
putting down wouldn't lie flat. Does that mean I have erect-tile
dysfunction?

Imagine the girl's surprise when she walked into the playboy's
apartment and discovered he had no chairs, no tables, no bed, no
furniture at all. She was floored!

What is it about submarines that women love so much?
The concept of a long, hard cylinder filled with seamen.

Then there was the bachelor who continually felt the need to insert
his masculinity.

We just overheard a couple of our new interns discussing one of the
more dashing members of our staff. "He dresses so well," said one.
"And so quickly," replied her girlfriend.

When the sultan entered his harem unexpectedly, his wives let out a
terrified sheik.

She was only a Musician's daughter, but she knew all the bars in town.

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/190172.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Our instructor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast or
testicles when a female student asked another male student and me if
we ever got an erection while we did self-examination of our
testicles. We answered that it was possible that we had. You know,
you don't really want everyone to know when you get aroused. She then
asked, "What do you do about it?" We said in unison, "Nothing, why?"
She then say, "You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?" We
said no way! She then states, "You mean a man's penis will go down
without having an orgasm?" We both said yes. At which time she says,
"I'm going to kill my husband!"

 

[wally2450]

An obnoxious guy walks into the neighborhood bar and sits next to a
local honey already having her first beverage. As he tries to strike
up a conversation she keeps ignoring him. Finally he says, "You know
me, why don't you talk to me?"

She replies, "Yes, I know you, you're Morgan - big M, small organ. "

--------

"Darling," murmured the girl to her boyfriend, "when did you first
realize that you were in love with me?"

"Well, I suppose.." whispered the man tenderly, "it was when I
started getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said
you were a lousy lay."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/190394.jpg

 

[wally2450]

A little Pakistani wanders up to him and says 'Good Morning please, be
wanting to come into heaven thankyou'
'Look mate', says St. Peter 'It doesn't work that way, you're a muslim,
aren't you'
'Yes, being a good muslim thankyou'
'No mate, look I'm sorry. You just can't come in, you're off down there'
'am GOOD muslim. Wanting to be coming in please' 'You can't be a good
muslim, how?' 'But AM GOOD muslim. I am even giving things to charity
all the time' St. Peter sighs. 'Like what?' The Pakistani stands up
proudly. 'Only last week, am giving twenty pounds to
the children in need'
St. Peter considers him for a second, and finally resigns himself to the

fact that this chap deserves a bit of his time. 'Right, fine, okay" he
sighs, "You win. I'll go and have a word with God, wait here'

So off he trots wearily through the Pearly Gates, and returns a couple
of
hours later. He walks back up to the Pakistani, and says 'Right, I've
had a
chat with God about you, and it's all sorted.'
'Here's your twenty quid back, now Fuck Off'.

 

[wally2450]

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”


The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs… “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.” “Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

 

[wally2450]

Great Answer from the Judge

In Florida , an atheist became incensed over the
preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He
decided to contact his lawyer about the
discrimination inflicted on atheists by the
constant celebrations afforded to Christians
and Jews with all their holidays while atheists
had no holiday to celebrate.

The case was brought before a wise judge. After
listening to the long passionate presentation by
the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and
declared 'Case dismissed!'

The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the
ruling and said, 'Your honor, how can you possibly
dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas,
Easter and many other observances. Jews have
Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah... yet my
client and all other atheists have no such holiday!'

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply
said, 'Obviously your client is too confused to even
know about, much less celebrate his own atheists'
holiday!'

The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are
unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when
might that holiday be, your Honor?'

The judge said, 'Well it comes every year on exactly
the same date - April 1st! Since our calendar sets
April 1st as 'April Fools' Day', consider that Psalm 14:1
and Psalm 53 state, 'The fool says in his heart, there
is no God.'

Therefore, in my opinion, if your client says there is
no God, then by scripture he is a fool, thus April 1st is
his holiday!'


Way to go, Judge!

 

[wally2450]

My husband and I work different shifts and try to schedule
appointments so that one of us will be home to care for the children.
Recently I left him this note: "I have a doctor's appointment
Thursday at 11. The kids are yours." The next morning I found this
reply from my brown-eyed spouse: "I'm so relieved. Their blue eyes
had me wondering all these years!"

 

[wally2450]

I called this girlfriend of mine and asked her if she was free
Saturday night.She said no, but she would be reasonable.


Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex? They write
the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine your date, and then
stick her with the bill.

 

[wally2450]

There was a little boy who was learning how to count. He had mastered
the halfway point to a hundred, but was having some problems
afterward. One day, he was counting, and he got to 58... 59, and
asked what came next. Mom told him, "Sixty. Sixty is the next
number." When he got to 69, he asked, "What comes after 69?" His
father was just walking in the door from work, heard only the
question, and he replied, "Listerine!"
==========================
A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical
island. For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then one
day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half ripped
off, washes up onto shore upon a piece of driftwood. He explains to
her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and eating
fruits and berries. She says, "Well, what did you do for love?" He
says, "Love? What's that?" She says, "I'll show you." She shows him.
Then she shows him again. Then she shows him one more time. When
they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do you like love?" He
says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/191555.jpg

 

[wally2450]

The squeaking of the bedsprings increased in intensity. Then,
silence. Her quiet voice broke the stillness of the darkened room.
I'm not myself tonight, she insisted. Well, whoever you are, he
sighed, it certainly is an improvement!

 

[wally2450]

My sister went to the department store to check out the
bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon.
When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list
on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because," she said, "they've registered for Nintendo games."

 

[wally2450]

Honeymoon

On his honeymoon, a very thick redneck farmer, Billy
Joe, insisted on having a room at the luxury hotel with
a balcony overlooking the sea. On retiring for the night
after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bath-
room dressed in some very sexy lingerie.

"Hey Billy Joe, come in off the balcony and see what I
have waiting for you to savor for the first time" she
said coyly.

"No thanks, I want to sit out here," he said.

So Daisy sat down brushing her golden hair for 10
minutes after which she invited Billy Joe once more to
come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her
virginal body. Once more he refused. Eventually Daisy
grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding
bed and fell asleep.

In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on
the balcony.

"Why did you spend the whole night out there when you
could have been making love all night?" she asked.

"Well my pa said the first night of my marriage would
be the most beautiful night of my whole life - and I
didn't want to miss a moment of it."

 

[wally2450]

Wanting to be married, a couple came to the county courthouse in
Virginia where I work. They accidentally walked up to the offices
where hunting licenses are sold. "We're from out-of-state," said the
prospective groom. "Can we get a license?" The clerk replied, "No,
but I can give you a three-day permit."


How can you tell that a guy is a real loser?
When his idea of swinging is switching hands.

 

[wally2450]

Dating women

WHITE WOMEN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date: You get terrific head.

Second Date: You get even more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She's pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's Boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

ARAB WOMEN:

First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire arab community finds out.

Second Date: You are shot dead.

No third date.

 

[Succulent-one]

 

[wally2450]

Words To Live By

Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet,
just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you
look good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars
that can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and
nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If you can't be kind,
at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20,
and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it.



It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird,
so sleep late.

When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.

 

[wally2450]

My first day in basic training, we were lined up in a row, each of us
in turn having to shout our last names. After the guy next to me had
yelled, "Florence," it was my turn. I had no sooner called out my
name than the training instructor was in my face, demanding to know
if I was some kind of smart aleck. Satisfied that I wasn't, the red-
faced TI told me never to stand next to that guy again.