Jokes
- Thread starter biggbear8
- Start date
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in
hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What are you doing
here?"
The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to
pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a
faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"
"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.
hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What are you doing
here?"
The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to
pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a
faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"
"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
My Favorite Things
Anticipation when everyone's smitten
On some occasions I've liked being bitten
My wrists and ankles all tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Butches with haircuts whose necks feel like chickies
Everything sweaty and musky and sticky
The smooth and suave swagger of silky drag kings
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream colored dildos and petting the poodle
Flogging and maybe being whipped with wet noodles
Closing my eyes when a thunderstorm sings
These are a few of my favorite things
For those long nights
In between flings
On my mattress pad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad
Girls who are packing inside tailored trousers
Bumping and grinding that lasts hours and hours
Seedy motels and beds with broken springs
These are a few of my favorite things
Secrets when wantonly whispered in my ears
Tracing the path of where my lipstick has smeared
Nails on the back of my neck make me zing
These are a few of my favorite things
Deep porcelain bathtubs and hot wax on nipples
Fucking pressed on a wall until both my knees ripple
Spanking and sissifying someone right wing
These are a few of my favorite things
For those long nights
In between flings
On my mattress pad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad
Anticipation when everyone's smitten
On some occasions I've liked being bitten
My wrists and ankles all tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Butches with haircuts whose necks feel like chickies
Everything sweaty and musky and sticky
The smooth and suave swagger of silky drag kings
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream colored dildos and petting the poodle
Flogging and maybe being whipped with wet noodles
Closing my eyes when a thunderstorm sings
These are a few of my favorite things
For those long nights
In between flings
On my mattress pad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad
Girls who are packing inside tailored trousers
Bumping and grinding that lasts hours and hours
Seedy motels and beds with broken springs
These are a few of my favorite things
Secrets when wantonly whispered in my ears
Tracing the path of where my lipstick has smeared
Nails on the back of my neck make me zing
These are a few of my favorite things
Deep porcelain bathtubs and hot wax on nipples
Fucking pressed on a wall until both my knees ripple
Spanking and sissifying someone right wing
These are a few of my favorite things
For those long nights
In between flings
On my mattress pad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Thought for the day
Handle every situation like a dog ....
If you can't Eat it or Screw it ,
Piss on it and Walk Away.
Handle every situation like a dog ....
If you can't Eat it or Screw it ,
Piss on it and Walk Away.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the
wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she
says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact
same dress as you to wear to the wedding." The bride's mother thinks
for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go
and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony." "But mother," says
the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's
such a waste not to use it." "Who said I won't use it?" her mother
asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."
wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she
says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact
same dress as you to wear to the wedding." The bride's mother thinks
for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go
and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony." "But mother," says
the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's
such a waste not to use it." "Who said I won't use it?" her mother
asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A midget gets married to a regular sized girl and they
go on their honeymoon.
When the midget gets back home, a friend asks him how
was his honeymoon?
He said, "It was OK but I was a little disappointed."
His friend asks him why he was disappointed.
He replies, "Well, when we were nose to nose, my toes
were in it. When we were toes to toes, my nose was in
it. And when I was in it, there was no one to talk to."
go on their honeymoon.
When the midget gets back home, a friend asks him how
was his honeymoon?
He said, "It was OK but I was a little disappointed."
His friend asks him why he was disappointed.
He replies, "Well, when we were nose to nose, my toes
were in it. When we were toes to toes, my nose was in
it. And when I was in it, there was no one to talk to."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to
Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they
will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee.
They will then proceed down to Mississippi and
Louisiana, finally ending up back over in Alabama.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey
license plates and large bumper stickers that read:
"I'm A Vegetarian"
"NASCAR Sucks"
"Go Yankees!"
"Smoking Is For Idiots"
"Hillary In 2004"
"Deer Hunting Is Murder"
"I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns!"
The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive,
wins.
Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they
will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee.
They will then proceed down to Mississippi and
Louisiana, finally ending up back over in Alabama.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey
license plates and large bumper stickers that read:
"I'm A Vegetarian"
"NASCAR Sucks"
"Go Yankees!"
"Smoking Is For Idiots"
"Hillary In 2004"
"Deer Hunting Is Murder"
"I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns!"
The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive,
wins.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Little Johnny
A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the black-
board, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell
her how the tail is attached to the cat.
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur,
Miss?"
The teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good
try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is
sitting down the back raising his hand in the air
saying, "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!"
The next student the teacher picks is Peter, and he
answers "Is it attached by skin, Miss?"
The teacher replies... "Not quite right either,
Peter...Anyone else want to try?" Finally, the teacher
had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to
Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on
the cat... I'd say, it would have to be bolted on!"
A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the black-
board, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell
her how the tail is attached to the cat.
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur,
Miss?"
The teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good
try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is
sitting down the back raising his hand in the air
saying, "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!"
The next student the teacher picks is Peter, and he
answers "Is it attached by skin, Miss?"
The teacher replies... "Not quite right either,
Peter...Anyone else want to try?" Finally, the teacher
had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to
Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on
the cat... I'd say, it would have to be bolted on!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Perks of growing older
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, Did I wake you????
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks
into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to
pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list .
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, Did I wake you????
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks
into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to
pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list .
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington, D.C.
One is from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works
some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900:
$400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official
and whispers, "$2,700".
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!
How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you,
and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!", replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how it all works !!!
One is from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works
some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900:
$400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official
and whispers, "$2,700".
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!
How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you,
and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!", replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how it all works !!!
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
The Top 12 Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn
· During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.
· His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.
· When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."
· C:\Downloads\Porn\2002\July\03\10PM-11PM\
· Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."
· He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.
· Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.
· When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."
· You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.
· As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.
· During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"
· His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you. He pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.
· During sex, she shouts, "More bandwidth!"
· During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.
· His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.
· When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."
· C:\Downloads\Porn\2002\July\03\10PM-11PM\
· Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."
· He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.
· Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.
· When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."
· You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.
· As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.
· During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"
· His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you. He pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.
· During sex, she shouts, "More bandwidth!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A Jewish grandmother and her grandson are at the beach.
He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting
to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears
from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he was swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries:
"Lord, my GOD, how could you?
Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother?
Haven't I been a wonderful mother?
Haven't I kept a kosher home?
Haven't I given to charity?
Haven't I lit candles every Friday night?
Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"
A moment later, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes
on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there.
He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."
He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting
to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears
from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he was swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries:
"Lord, my GOD, how could you?
Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother?
Haven't I been a wonderful mother?
Haven't I kept a kosher home?
Haven't I given to charity?
Haven't I lit candles every Friday night?
Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"
A moment later, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes
on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there.
He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
We were not particularly surprised to learn recently that Democrats
generally have more children than Republicans. After all, who ever
heard of anyone enjoying a good piece of elephant?
-----------
A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it does an
equally good job of stopping circulation.
-----------
The prof was telling his early morning class, "I've found that the
best way to start the day is to exercise for five minutes, take a
deep breath of air, and then finish with a cold shower. Then I feel
rosy all over." A sleepy voice from the back of the room said, "Tell
us more about Rosy."
generally have more children than Republicans. After all, who ever
heard of anyone enjoying a good piece of elephant?
-----------
A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it does an
equally good job of stopping circulation.
-----------
The prof was telling his early morning class, "I've found that the
best way to start the day is to exercise for five minutes, take a
deep breath of air, and then finish with a cold shower. Then I feel
rosy all over." A sleepy voice from the back of the room said, "Tell
us more about Rosy."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Fortuneteller
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened
to see a fortuneteller's tent. Thinking it would be good
for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal
ball.
"I see you are the father of two children."
"Hah, you fortune tellers are a sham," said the man
scornfully. "I'm the father of *three* children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what *you* think..."
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Houses of Worship
A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of
worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.On the
first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor
lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to
the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running
into his church.
He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water
out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares,. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's
tool shed.
He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the
tailpipe.
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened
to see a fortuneteller's tent. Thinking it would be good
for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal
ball.
"I see you are the father of two children."
"Hah, you fortune tellers are a sham," said the man
scornfully. "I'm the father of *three* children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what *you* think..."
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Houses of Worship
A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of
worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.On the
first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor
lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to
the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running
into his church.
He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water
out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares,. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's
tool shed.
He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the
tailpipe.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for
a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"
years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for
a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
An American and a Russian were arguing about their
freedom to talk in their countries.
American: We have such freedom that We can shout that
George Bush is an idiot in front of our White House.
Russian: This is nothing. We have some more advanced
freedom than this. We can shout in front of our President
himself that George Bush is an idiot and get a reward
also. Do you have such freedom?
freedom to talk in their countries.
American: We have such freedom that We can shout that
George Bush is an idiot in front of our White House.
Russian: This is nothing. We have some more advanced
freedom than this. We can shout in front of our President
himself that George Bush is an idiot and get a reward
also. Do you have such freedom?
