Jokes

[Succulent-one]

Could Happen to You!!!!! LOL


(Written to a woman who accidentally walked into a men’s restroom)



Please don’t feel bad, lady. It wasn’t you entering the men’s washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It’s rare for us guys to even hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I’ll make sure I hit something.



You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men’s penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I’m telling ya those little buggers can’t be trusted.



After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I’m no longer allowed to pee like a man, standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.



Now another thing us guys don’t usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I’m a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it’s a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It’s the dreaded “morning wood.”



Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can’t get that thing to bend, and if it don’t bend you can’t aim, well hell, if you can’t aim you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.



And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin’ toilet seat won’t stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.



Now sometimes, when you’re newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.



So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it’s just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her look, it won’t bend. She said, “Sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.” OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with “morning wood.”



Well, it’s is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had peed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.



I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat.



This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it’s the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.



So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.



It’s not our fault, it’s just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn’t have been a problem!

 

[Louise Brown]

Thanks, Succulent... funny stuff!

 

[virgin_not]

Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches,he asked Olaf for a light.
"Ya shure, I tink I haff a lighter", he replied.
Then reaching into his tackle box,he pulled out a BIC lighter in his hands.
"Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
"Vell", replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."
You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
Ya, shure. Its right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.
"Could I see him?"
So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough,out pops the genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes I will", says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks..flying
overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf.
:Yumpin" Yimmny I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!"
Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew that da genie is hard of hearing. Do
yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch BIC?

 

[Succulent-one]

George Bush has started an ill-timed and disastrous war under false
pretenses by lying to the American people and to the Congress; <>
he has run a budget surplus into a severe deficit;
<>he has consistently and unconscionably favored the wealthy and corporations over
the rights and needs of the population;
he has destroyed trust and confidence in, and good will toward, the United States
around the globe;
he has ignored global warming, to the world's detriment;
he has wantonly broken our treaty obligations;
he has condoned torture of prisoners;
he has attempted to create a theocracy in the United States;
he has appointed incompetent cronies to positions of vital national importance.
Would someone please give him a blow job so we can impeach him?

 

[Succulent-one]

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

 

[Succulent-one]

Typical Boston

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a Boston park when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend. A reporter is standing by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Bruins Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal" he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Bruins Fan," the little boy replies.

"Sorry but since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and starts writing again. "Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Sox Fan either," the little boy replies.

"Sorry but since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and starts writing again. "Patriots Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.

"I'm not a Patriots Fan either," says the boy.

"Oh... I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins Sox or Patriots. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Yankees fan," the boy replies. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet"

 

[Succulent-one]

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his
mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at
school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved
to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why
he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to
his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God: I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike
for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,
so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God: This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this
year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started
again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God: I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red
bike for my birthday.

Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote
another letter.

LETTER 4:

Dear God: I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.
I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike.

By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he
wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked
because Leroy looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He
looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin
Mary.
He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat
down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Leroy began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 5:

I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE RED BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

 

[Succulent-one]

DATING RITUALS

WHITE WOMEN

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex,
but only in the missionary position.


IRISH WOMEN

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom
makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you
and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together
and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.


JEWISH WOMEN

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her
and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner,
but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner.
Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don 't even get to the third date and you
already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends
a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.


MEXICAN WOMEN

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner,
get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later ~ her mother, father,
his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids,
her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins,
her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in
and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in
your home that used to be nice, but now looks
like a home along the Rio Grande.

The POINT?



DON'T YOU JU ST LOVE
IRISH WOMEN?

 

[Succulent-one]

Old Goats

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they
stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of
cheese making, explaining that goats milk was used.

She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing,.
These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they
no longer produced.

She then asked, "What do you do in America with your older goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."

 

[Succulent-one]

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

 

[Succulent-one]

BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLICANS

Mine Eyes have seen the bungling of that stumbling moron Bush.
He has blathered all the drivel that the neo-cons can push.
He has lost sight of all reason 'cause his head is up his tush.

The Doofus marches on.

I have heard him butcher syntax like a kindergarten fool.
There is warranted suspicion that he never went to school.
Should we fault him for the policies - or is he just their tool?

The lies keep piling on.

Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!

Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!

Glory! Glory! How e'll Screw Ya'!

His wreckage will live on.

I have seen him cut the taxes of the billionaires' lone heir,
As he spends another zillion on an aircraft carrier.
Let the smokestacks keep polluting - do we really need clean air?
The surplus is now gone.

Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!

Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!

Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!

Your safety net is gone!

Now he's got a mighty hankerin' to bomb a prostrate state, Though the
whole world knows its crazy - and the U.N. says to wait.
When he doesn't have the evidence, "We must prevaricate."
Diplomacy is done!

Oh, a trumped-up war is excellent, we have no moral bounds.
Should the reasons be disputed, we'll just make up other grounds.
Enraging several billions - to his brainlessness redounds.

The Doofus marches on!

Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!

Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!

Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
THIS .... DOOOO .... FUSS .... MAR...CHES....ON!

 

[Succulent-one]

The Lie Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move "Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

That's Nelson Mandela's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie.

Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.

"Which one is George W Bush's clock?" asked the man.

St. Peter responded, "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office . He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

[Succulent-one]

As we slide down the banister of life

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People".

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss... the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice ... well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

 

[Succulent-one]

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch

 

[ellediablo]

This guy is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife has left him, he has
lost his job and he owes thousands of dollars to the bank. Just as he
finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas
taps him on the shoulder.

"Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.

The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.

"Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "I will grant you three wishes on the
understanding
that you will do me a favor."

"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful! Thank you, thank
you!"

Father Christmas promises him that:

1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her
sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return,
she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.

2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with
your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have
any recollection of your sacking.

3. You shall go to your bank and you will be in credit, you will have no
outstanding bills.

"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for
you?"

Father Christmas tells the man to drop his pants and bend over. After a
quite brutal humping, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.

"36," replies the man.

"You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!" laughs the jolly fat
gay bastard.

 

[Succulent-one]

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine
looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"

"Why Yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, our gentleman was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh my, goodness no," said the woman "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did?"

Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing
to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh ... mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation. The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in. The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible sex and perversions imaginable, the Gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What the hell have I done?"

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'

 

[Succulent-one]

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest
Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming
ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It
seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried
and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the
predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane"
solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured
alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the
population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY
proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's
Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea
for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the
back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I
don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes
ain't f*ckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."

 

[Succulent-one]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

 

[Succulent-one]

ONCE A BAPTIST---ALWAYS A BAPTIST

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna finish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had be done about John, and they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist , and now you are a Catholic.

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noises. WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill saying, "You were born a cow, your were raised a cow, and now you are a fish".

 

[Succulent-one]

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the
season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like
newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was
the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years
and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the
sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up
the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.
What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment .My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob
says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never
want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape
this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the
electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska,
after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice
in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed
for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the
blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and
try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but
won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't
believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the
damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn
snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but
they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I
think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will
have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13
more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it
probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all
dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time
I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to
shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest
of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is
lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The
wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month
ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the
son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the
snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for
me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn
snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1
slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.
God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a
donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says
I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch
"It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here?
It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH
is driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof
or it could cavein. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How
dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for
a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to
her mother . 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

 

[Succulent-one]

Deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love,Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drumkit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Carol



Dear Carol,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo i! n Vegas, where I spend most of my time gambling. I unwind b y drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa

 

[Succulent-one]

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new
form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair
off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework
tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You
will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The
partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the
story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. "The first person
will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to
re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.
There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you
wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree
a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca
and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too
much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he
said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign
of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam
flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The
jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the
cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly
and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from
her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why
must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth
a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have
chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F_KING TEA??? Oh no, what
am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele
novels!"

(Rebecca)

Asshole.

(Gary)

Bitch

(Rebecca)

F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)

Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.

 

[Succulent-one]

It was entertainment night at the senior center and
the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People
came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do
his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting
room,he announced,

"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three
people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude
withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his
coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in
my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth
while quietly chanting "Watch the watch, watch the
watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back
and forth, light gleaming off its pol ished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,until, suddenly,
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to
the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
..........."SHIT!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the senior center.

 

[Succulent-one]

"Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill"

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co.
Have combined to market the new Mint flavored
birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major
drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.

They're going to be called....




"Pre-dick-a-mints."

 

[Succulent-one]

Can Coldwater clean dishes?

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John notice a film like substance on his plate,and questioned his grandfather asking, "are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!" Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he wasleaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"