Jokes

[Succulent-one]

Ever Wonder Why

When a woman wears leather clothing, .........



A man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?

Scroll down.........







Because she smells like a new truck

 

[Succulent-one]

-------------------------
Love, Lust and Marriage
-------------------------

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.

Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over w ho gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.

Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.

Love- W hen your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.

Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.

Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.

Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed

 

[Succulent-one]

Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie:


~"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"

~"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

~"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room."

~"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

~"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

~"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

~"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

~"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"

~"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."

~"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?"

~"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

~"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left... ...Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"

 

[ffreak]

So...

Bob was King of Iraq?



Keep 'em coming!

 

[Succulent-one]

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN
AT
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS


REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY February 14, 2006


NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places and Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum - Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors

 

[Gem_tiger]

Very gooooooooooooooooooooooooooood, S1

 

[Gem_tiger]

Hi Folks, I have only just found this thread aaaaaaaaaand, I think it is brilliant. However, it seems that Succulent one is doing all the work ............ I will dig out some jokes but can others help too??

Come on, you must know loads of jokes

 

[Succulent-one]

Californians



So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes,
you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

 

[Succulent-one]

poetry contest

At the end of a poetry contest, the two finalists were a Yale graduate and a redneck.
The final contest was for them to make a poem in 2
minutes containing a word that would be given to them by the judges.
The word was "TIMBUKTU".

The Yale graduate was the first to give his poem:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would
never stand a chance against him-a YALE graduate.

Nevertheless, the redneck stood up and gave his poem:

Me and Tim a hunting went,
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down.

 

[Succulent-one]

These are actual newspaper ads...

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bitch. Bites

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out a while. Better be a reward for this nasty little thing.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer
needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

 

[Succulent-one]

Dying Pastor

An old pastor was dying. He sent a message for the local IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to the hospital.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old pastor would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"

The old pastor mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves so that's how I want to go!"

 

[Succulent-one]

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the
long line of judgment.

As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to
march right through the Pearly Gates an into Heaven. Others
though, were led over to Satan, who threw them into the burning
pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the
fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's
curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked
Satan what he was doing.

; "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said, "I'm waiting in line
for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing
those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of
Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those.." Satan said with a groan, "They're all from the
Pacific Northwest.. they're still too wet to burn."

 

[Succulent-one]

The Pasta Diet

1) You walka pasta da bakery.

2) You walka pasta da candy store.

3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

And for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[SoSo]

More,More,More cartoons bigbear8!!!!!!

 

[Succulent-one]

The Quarter.......

The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".

 

[Denae]

The doctor said: "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is
toremove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought:
"That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman:
"I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said:
"Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed:
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked:
"How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said:
"Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said:
"Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised:
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked:
"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said:
"Sure."
The salesman said:
"Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed:
"Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head:
You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up
against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion PRICELESS

 

[Succulent-one]

Grandma And Grandpa Were Watching A Religious Healing Program On Tv.

The Evangelist Called To All Who Wanted To Be Healed, To Put One Hand On The Tv And The Other On The Body Part They Wanted Healed.

Grandma Hobbled To The Tv And Put One Hand On The Tv And The Other On Her Arthritic Hip.

Grandpa Made His Way To The Set And Put One Hand On The Tv And The Other On His Crotch.

Grandma Looked At Him With Disgust: "you Just Don't Understand, You Old Coot...the Purpose Of This Program Is To Heal The Sick, Not Raise The Dead

 

[Succulent-one]

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all
around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the store.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last
flick and it lands in the toilet.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he
assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

You're laughing aren't you..I know you are!!!

 

[Succulent-one]

Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose
hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, a doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man. Eventually, the topic got around to
former Texas Governor, George W. Bush, and his elevation to the White
House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'." Not being
familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post
turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to
explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong
there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want
to help the dumb shit get down!"

 

[Succulent-one]

Rules of Romance

In the world of romance, ONLY one single rule applies to the men:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
Named Rita (-4)
Rita is a dancer (-6)
Rita has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

 

[Gem_tiger]

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or
any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong
with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known
Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all
your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery reery fas to odderside of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fas back to me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You
haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex
or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr.Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?"



Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your
face look Ed Zachary like your ass!"

 

[Gem_tiger]

Putting the Right Person in the Right Job


Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an
open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them.
Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has
been moved.
Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.

Congratulate them and put them in top management

 

[Succulent-one]

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

 

[Gem_tiger]

A Somalian arrives in Leicester as a new immigrant to the United
Kingdom.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,

"Thank you Mr.Englishman for letting me in this country!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.

"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Britain!"

The person says "I no Blitish. I flom Hong Kong".

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says,

"Thank you for the wonderful Britain!"

That person puts up his hands and says "I am from Iran, I am not
British!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously,

"Are you a British citizen?"

She says, "No, I am from Rumania!"

So he is puzzled, and asks her,

"Where are all the British?"

The Rumanian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...

"Probably at work!"

 

[Gem_tiger]

Two Muslims were buying some back-packs .............. one turned to the other and said ..


"Does my bomb look big in this???"