Jokes

[Succulent-one]

A Prayer for the Stressed

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage

to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom
to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they
pissed me off.
And help me be careful of the toes I step on today
As they may be attached to the ass I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday and
5% on Fridays.

Help me to remember...
When I'm having a really bad day & it seems that people are trying to
piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend my
middle finger and tell them to bite me!

 

[Succulent-one]

It was October, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. He had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. To be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again ordered his people to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

 

[Succulent-one]

Gift Wrapping Tips for Men


This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb,
went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew,
"presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact
there is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so "And
lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the
paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And
Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him,
she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next
year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was
more interested in the paper than the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the
very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the
people giving those gifts had two important characteristics
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers.

Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so
somebody else can tear it off.

This is not just my opinion, this is a scientific fact based on a
statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the
only time he ever wraps a gift is "If it's such a poor gift that I
don't want to be there when the person opens it."

The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter
of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one
ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas,"
Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous
spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills,
I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a
deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping
paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am
done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift
peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking
pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies,
the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by
Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping
paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane.

My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she
gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries
separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental
illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual
volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills, like having
babies, that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why
today I am presenting:

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when
the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it,
you can claim that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how
to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with
an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of
food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!
Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive
bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to
delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning

Your wife: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

You: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

Your wife: (peering into the trash bag) It's a leaf blower.

You: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

Your wife: I want a divorce.

You: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you
give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very
special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

 

[Joey3308]

Older but not Wiser

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 

[Denae]

Look what Murphy dragged in

Older but not Wiser

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Merry Christmas Joey!

 

[Succulent-one]

Breakfast Menu

The waitress was waiting about as patiently as could be expected while the guy was slowly going over the breakfast menu.

He said to the other guys in the booth, and loud enough for her to overhear, "I usually never return to a restaurant unless one of the sausages I'm served with my eggs is a match in size for my own."

The waitress gave him a disgusted look and commented, "In that case, maybe you should be looking at the children's menu."

 

[Succulent-one]

Paul was shopping the other day and wound up face to face with this drop dead gorgeous woman. He couldn't help but just stare at her, so much so that his mouth dropped open and he was drooling.

The woman caught him staring and suspected he wasn't just admiring her outfit.

She said, "Are you often troubled by indecent thoughts?"

Paul replied, "No, ma'am. Actually, to be honest, I rather enjoy them."

 

[Succulent-one]

"Company Retirement Policy"

Effective Immediately

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted
for department areas, we are forced to cut
down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked
to take early retirement, thus permitting the
retention of younger people who represent
our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel
by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement,
will be placed into effect immediately. This program
will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the
opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their
employment records before actual retirement takes
place.

This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early
Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED
and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper
management. This appeal is called SHAFT
(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee
may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but
may be SHAFTED as many times as the company
deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure,
he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half
Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)
or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance
Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit
plans, any employee who has received HERPES
or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or
SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger
employees who remain on board that the
company will continue its policy of training
employees through our: Special High Intensity
Training (SHIT).

We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees
receive. We have given our employees more SHIT
than any company in this area. If any employee
feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job,
see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make
sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thank you for all your years of
service with us!!!

Sincerely,

Your Executive Management

 

[Succulent-one]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a gray haired, older man in his early sixties named Larry,
and the other is a knock out gorgeous blonde in her late twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one
ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you'd better be good or you're
history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The blonde says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, whip, and gun
and steps rig! ht into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
When the lion is about half way to her, she throws open her coat
revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks,
sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick her entire body for several minutes and then
rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is agape. "I've never seen a display like that in
my life!" he exclaims. He turns to Larry and asks, "Can you top that?"
Larry replied, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way."

 

[Succulent-one]

Alcohol !

A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by
herself .
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you; alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they open !!! "

 

[Succulent-one]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right damn
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that
anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I
had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an ass hole!"
and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'ass hole' next to it, and put
it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ass hole!" It always
cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'ass hole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is
John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see
if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're an ass hole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so
I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first ass hole (I had
his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW
ass hole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow
rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an ass hole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I
had a problem, I had two ass holes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called ass hole #1.
He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He screamed, "Stop calling me."
I said, "Make me."
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Ass hole, I live at 34
Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked
in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ass hole," and hung up.
Then I called Ass hole #2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, ass hole."
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass."
I answered, "Well, ass hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my
gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree
Blvd in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just
in time to watch two ass holes beating the crap out of each other in front
of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

 

[Succulent-one]

Dictionary of Republicanisms
abstinence-only sex education n. Ignorance-only sex education [Wayne Martorelli, Lawrenceville, NJ].

alternative energy sources n. New locations to drill for gas and oil [Peter Scholz, Fort Collins, Colo.].

bankruptcy n. A punishable crime when committed by poor people but not corporations [Beth Thielen, Studio City, Calif.]

"burning bush" n. A biblical allusion to the response of the President of the United States when asked a question by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire [Bill Moyers, New York, NY].

Cheney, Dick n. The greater of two evils [Jacob McCullar, Austin, Tex.]

China n. See Wal-Mart [Rebecca Solnit, San Francisco, Calif.]

class warfare n. Any attempt to raise the minimum wage [Don Zweir, Grayslake, Ill.]

climate change n. The blessed day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans [Ann Klopp, Princeton, NJ].

compassionate conservatism n. Poignant concern for the very wealthy [Lawrence Sandek, Twin Peaks, Calif.].

creationism n. Pseudoscience that claims George W. Bush's resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally coincidental [Brian Sweeney, Providence, RI].

DeLay, Tom n. 1. Past tense of De Lie [Rick Rodstrom, Los Angeles, Calif.]. 2. Patronage saint [Andrew Magni, Nonatum, Mass.].

democracy n. A product so extensively exported that the domestic supply is depleted [Michael Schwartz, unknown].

dittohead n. An Oxy(contin)moron [Zydeco Boudreaux, Gretna, La.].

energy independence n. The caribou witness relocation program [Justin Rezzonico, Keene, Ohio].

extraordinary rendition n. Outsourcing torture [Milton Feldon, Laguna Woods, Calif.].

faith n. The stubborn belief that God approves of Republican moral values despite the preponderance of textual evidence to the contrary [Matthew Polly, Topeka, Kans.].

Fox News fict. Faux news [Justin Rezzonico, Keene, Ohio].

free markets n. Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense [Sean O'Brian, Chicago, Ill.].

girly men n. Males who do not grope women inappropriately [Nick Gill, Newton, Mass.].

God n. Senior presidential adviser [Martin Richard, Belgrade, Mont.].

growth n. 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when Republicans cut taxes on the rich [Matthew Polly, Topeka, Kans.].

habeas corpus n. Archaic. (Lat.) Legal term no longer in use (See Patriot Act) [Josh Wanstreet, Nutter Fort, WV].

healthy forest n. No tree left behind [Dan McWilliams, Santa Barbara, Calif.].

homelandism n. A neologism for love of the Homeland Security State, as in "My Homeland, 'tis of thee, sweet security state of liberty..." [Tom Engelhardt, New York, NY].

honesty n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences--e.g., "Freedom is on the march" [Katrina vanden Heuvel, New York, NY].

House of Representatives n. Exclusive club; entry fee $1 million to $5 million (See Senate) [Adam Hochschild, San Francisco, Calif.].

laziness n. When the poor are not working [Justin Rezzonico, Keene, Ohio].
leisure time n. When the wealthy are not working [Justin Rezzonico, Keene, Ohio].

liberal(s) n. Followers of the Antichrist [Ann Wegher, Montello, Wisc.].

Miller, Zell n. The man who shot and killed Alexander Hamilton after a particularly tough interview on Hardball [Drew Dillion, Arlington, Va.].

neoconservatives n. Nerds with Napoleonic complexes [Matthew Polly, Topeka, Kans.].

9/11 n. Tragedy used to justify any administrative policy, especially if unrelated (See Deficit, Iraq War) [Dan Mason, Durham, NH].

No Child Left Behind riff. 1. v. There are always jobs in the military [Ann Klopp, Princeton, NJ]. 2. n. The rapture [Samantha Hess, Cottonwood, Ariz.].

ownership society n. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth [Michael Albert, Piscataway, NJ].

Patriot Act n. 1. The pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first. 2. The elimination of one of the reasons why they hate us [Michael Thomas, Socorro, NM].

pro-life adj. Valuing human life up until birth [Kevin Weaver, San Francisco, Calif.].

Senate n. Exclusive club; entry fee $10 million to $30 million [Adam Hochschild, San Francisco, Calif.].

simplify v. To cut the taxes of Republican donors [Katrina vanden Heuvel, New York, NY].

staying the course interj. Slang. Saying and doing the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result [Suzanne Smith, Ann Arbor, Mich.].

stuff happens interj. Slang. Donald Rumsfeld as master historian [Sheila and Chalmers Johnson, San Diego, Calif.].

voter fraud n. A significant minority turnout [Sue Bazy, Philadelphia, Pa.].

Wal-Mart n. The nation-state, future tense [Rebecca Solnit, San Francisco, Calif.].

water n. Arsenic storage device [Joy Losee, Gainesville, Ga.].

woman n. 1. Person who can be trusted to bear a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have the child. 2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex with in the first place [Denise Clay, Philadelphia, Pa.].

 

[Succulent-one]

An Irish woman, "of a certain age", visited her doctor to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor.

"Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

A week later, she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible, Doctor."

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his eye. With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters, and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean you didn't enjoy it?"

"Of course I did doctor! Indeed; 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years. But I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

 

[Succulent-one]

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face, saying,
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I
belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie, and one
which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am
embarrassed and do not intend to accept this."

"Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask
forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face
me and admit that this is a falsehood? Remember, you
will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel wonderful.
Now please stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde named Cathy,
with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quavered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding."

"I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard
under the sheets!"

The preacher fainted.

 

[Succulent-one]

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING:


Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall!


A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

 

[Succulent-one]

Government Job

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that."

 

[giggles1]

big shout out to everyone that has posted jokes here...I love them !!!

I had a lot of fun this past weekend having my drunk friends say my favorite tongue twister........

I'm a very pleasant mother pheasant plucker..........

 

[warwood]

At the zoo.....

It so happens that the National Zoo has just gotten a very rare "Redback gorilla" a female. After a couple of weeks of observation within her newly constructed habitate, it is apparent that something is wrong. Her health starts to diminish and her appetite decreases. A team of zoologists gather to study the case and come to the conclussion that the gorilla is suffering from depression and lonliness. It's recommended that a mate be found for her or at least a sexual outlet be found for her. In a quandary, and with the fact that she is so rare and the possibility of finding another redback so slim. It's voted that human intervention is the only remedy. They conduct a review of all the employees in the zoo staff and after extensive screening choose "Pierre" to be the one. He's a dilligent employee and has an unofficial reputation as a real cocksman, and famed for getting it done to satisfaction.
They approach Pierre and explain the situation to him. They tell him that everyone in the zoo is behind him in this. They also tell him that a figure of 500 euros would be appropriate. Let me think about it he says, give me a day or two. A couple of days later, Pierre meets with the administration and tells them that he will do it but with three conditions.
1) No kissing, he doesn't want to kiss the big monkey!
2) No children, he doesn't want to be the father of any of her offspring.
3) He needs about a week to come up with the money!

 

[warwood]

Bad times.....

A young couple come down on hard times. The husband comes home and tells his young attractive wife that he has been laid-off from his job. He explains to her that he really has no marketable skills and that it has come down to her having to hit the streets! What do you mean she asks? Your going to have to sell the only true commodity we have, yourself! I don't know anything about that she states. Don't worry honey, I'll be with you every step of the way. Any problem that may come up, I'll be right there. So the following night she dolls herself up and wears the skimpiest of outfits and picks a corner to stand on in town. He tells her he'll be right there with her and walks out of sight around the corner.
Minutes later, a car pulls up and the guy inside lowers the passenger window. She approaches the car ad sticks her head through the window and asks the guy what he was looking for. How much for a fuck he asks? Ahhh....hold on, she says, I'll be right back. She runs around the corner and tells her husband. There's a guy there and he wants to know how much for a fuck? Tell him $80.00 bucks. She runs back to the car and tells the guy, $80.00 bucks! Your crazy, thats too much, well, what about a blow job? Hold on, I'll be right back. She runs around the corner again and tells hubby, he says it to much and how about a blow job? Tell him, $40.00 bucks. So she runs around the corner again and says $40.00 bucks.
OK, get in, so she climbes into the front seat with the man. he leans his seat back away from the steering wheel and unzips and pulls out a huge almost unhumanly sized cock out of his pants and waves it around. She looks at it with wide eyes and tells the guy, hold on....I'll be right back. She gets out of the car and runs around the corner and tells her husband.

Hey, you got $40.00 bucks I can borrow?

 

[Succulent-one]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend Joan, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice - even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.

Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams, too!

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,
John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

 

[Succulent-one]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow,I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

 

[Succulent-one]

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN


Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa,
half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America,
well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India,
very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France,
gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,
with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia,
lost the war but still fights for what is hers.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia,
very wide and borders are now unpatroled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages
...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there:!


GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iraq -

Ruled by a dick.

 

[Succulent-one]

Three bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body: Frenchman, 72, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"Second body: "Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy Ray Earl, Redneck from Arkansas, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

 

[Succulent-one]

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[Succulent-one]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Bob came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Bob!"