Jokes

[Succulent-one]

Letter from a West Virginia Mother to a West Virginia Son

Dear Son:

I am writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles from home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address cause the last family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. It only rained twice this week--- three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your father -- he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery.

About your sister -- she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out if it's a boy or girl, so I don't know if you're an Aunt or an Uncle.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out -- he rolled the window down and swam to safety. The others drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Som men tried to pull him out, but he fought them, so he drowned. We cremated him -- he burned for three days.

Not much more news this time, nothing much happened.

Write more often.

Love Mom

P. S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

 

[LustfulOne50]

Letter of Appreciation

Dear Proctor and Gamble,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you
have in Tide detergent !
I've used it all through my married life,
as my Mom always told me it was the
best!

Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine
on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and
uncaring husband started to berate me about how
clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a
pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up
with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried
to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but
it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased
a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative,and
to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains
came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the
detectives who came by yesterday told me that the
DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then
my attorney called and said that I would no longer
be considered a suspect in the disappearance
of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad
enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you,
once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the
Hefty bag people!!!

This was very funny and of course cute...

 

[ffreak]

They're all great. I laughed my ass off. Now I have to go find it.

 

[LustfulOne50]

Seasick Pills

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested
they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like
we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of
seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said ''I've
been thinking. There is no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr. Johnson went
back to the pharmacy and asked for twelve bottles of seasick pills and a box of
condoms. When he returned his wife said, ''You know, since the children are on
their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"

So back to the pharmacy he went, and brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and
the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask.


"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over thirty
years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the
hell do you do it

 

[Succulent-one]

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mum and dad ' s for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think? " His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?" His mum says, "No." Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "OK! What do you think?" He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

 

[Succulent-one]

BAPTIZING A DRUNK


A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk

into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks
again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds
and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

(Are you ready for this??????????????????)

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

[Succulent-one]

Letter of divorce
Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had
quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home
and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your
favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in
two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a
far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown
out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when
you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to
mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say
anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite
meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I
stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you
had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed
that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty
dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of
this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I
discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my
job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you
were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the
filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that
you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

 

[Succulent-one]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He
concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" President Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously
watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

 

[Succulent-one]

Save The Airlines

Replace all female flight attendants with good lookin' strippers. What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?



The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.



Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again hoping to see naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenue.



Why the hell didn't Bush think of this?



Why do I have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Arnold Swartzenager

 

[carrie-on]

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?
Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?


If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

 

[Succulent-one]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading
when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

 

[carrie-on]

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND


I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district...(spellings have been left intact.)

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, >31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh**s. [note: words in ( )'s were crossed out]. (love it! )

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. [you know, this could be legit! ;-) ]

15. I kept billie home because she had to go christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer fo! R missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't ! be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines. [i absolutely love that one!]

19. Please excuse jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low gra! De fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

 

[Succulent-one]

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook,

"This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is .. an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought! about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and ! gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

 

[Succulent-one]

Help!





"Send someone over quickly!"


the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"



"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."


"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

 

[Succulent-one]

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded asks, "What good will Viagra do him, Doctor?"

"It'll keep the sheets off his leg burns."

 

[Succulent-one]

Day Off - we all need one!

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss Would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then she would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that
the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"

I told her I was a light bulb. She said "You are clearly
stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I
jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her" ...And where do you think you're going?"

You're gonna love this.....)

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

 

[Guest]

This one is a visual joke so I shall post it in three stages.

http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b135/Bluefoxlady/pic25087.jpg

 

[Guest]

Second pic - I know the ladies are gonna like these more than the fellas will

http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b135/Bluefoxlady/pic28570.jpg

 

[Guest]

And finally - girl power lol

http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b135/Bluefoxlady/pic29763.jpg

 

[Succulent-one]

Snoring

A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife
goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he
will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual.

The wife tosses and turns unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to
the closet
and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's
testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking
with
his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the
closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and
ties it around her husband's
testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a
blue ribbon
attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the
bedroom,
he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,
"I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God, we took first and
second place

 

[Succulent-one]

SENIOR DRESS CODE
The following combinations DO NOT go together
and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least . . my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends



Please keep these basic guidelines foremost
in your mind when you shop.

 

[Succulent-one]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

 

[Succulent-one]

A Polish immigrant goes to the New York Department of Motor Vehicles
in Buffalo to apply for a driver's license and is told he has to take
an eye test. The examiner shows him a card with the letters:

C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy..!!

 

[Succulent-one]

BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FIRE



Crawford, Texas -- A tragic fire this morning destroyed the personal
library of President George W. Bush. The fire began in the presidential
bathroom where both of the books were kept. Both of his books have been
lost.

A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had
almost finished coloring the second one.

 

[Succulent-one]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new
Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bed-room to get a deep
breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass
lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like
this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Flaherty. How might I help you?"

And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind
as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took
care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin."