Jokes

[Succulent-one]

"Goldfish Funeral"
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole
for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied,

"That's because he's inside your cat."

 

[Succulent-one]

DADDY'S 10 RULES OF DATING

Rule #1:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

*Rule #2:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.
If you can't keep your hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule #3:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.

Still I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise. You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off
during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your pants securely in place to your waist.

*Rule #4:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without using a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

*Rule #5:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics , and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only info I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "EARLY"

*Rule #6:

I have no doubt you are a popular guy, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Other wise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule #7:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule #8:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness, where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided, movies
which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folk homes are better!!

*Rule #9:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule #10:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


Whoops! Rule #11. Have fun (heh, heh, heh

 

[Succulent-one]

STEWART
Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a
sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the
couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the
bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the
pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking
pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there
won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's
still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will
absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."

The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking,
that's too bad. Please recite with me, The Real
Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I
don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the
refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

The Real Women's Way:
Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites over the crust so I just don't do it.

Martha's way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and
rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Women's Way:
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because
you can't rub a lime on your forehead without
getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem
isn't the headache anymore, YOU'RE NOW BLIND!

Martha's way #9:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that
makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women's Way:
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Martha's way #10:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine.
Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Women's Way:
Leftover wine?????

 

[Joey3308]

An older couple lay in bed, and the man, as he has done for the past 40 years, farts loudly.

The woman turns over and looks at him and says, "One day you are going to fart your guts out." He nonchalantly responds, "Nah".

Thanksgiving morning, only a few days later, the woman gets up early to start the dinner for that evenings festivities.

As she cleans the turkey a thought pops into her head. Still holding the turkey giblets she runs into their bedroom where her husband is still sleeping.

She gently pushes the contents of her hand into the back of her husbands underwear, then returns back to the kitchen to finish the preparations.

A few moments later she hears the usual morning fart, then a loud thump, footsteps running down the hall, and the bathroom door slamming.

She does nothing but smile knowingly, and waits for her husband to come into the kitchen.

Not long after he enters, he looks at his wife and says, "Honey, you were right, I farted my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got em shoved back up in there."

 

[Succulent-one]

What's the difference between a gynecologist and a geneologists?

One looks up the family tree, and the other looks up the family bush.

 

[veryblueeyes]

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. So she leaves and a few moments later the lady comes back wearing a brassiere tied to her head. And it is abundantly obvious from the bouncing and giggling where the brassiere came from. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a brassiere." "But Father, I have a divine right," she informs. "Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still cannot enter THIS church like that!"

 

[Succulent-one]

PETER, PAUL and LOUIE

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.

One day, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several

cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the

congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for

$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen

and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious

doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had

always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his

speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not

wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars

stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the

results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday,

which they did. Anxious to find out how successful they were,

the reverend immediately asked Peter,

"Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father,

using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the

200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand.

"You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to

sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently

replied,"Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give

the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28

bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."

The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are

truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And

Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend

opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend

exclaimed. "Louie, there's 3200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting

that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are

professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many

bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd

better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for

sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell

us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would

y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible

f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you

j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and

r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

 

[Succulent-one]

Blue Necks


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blue Necks are Northerners -- the opposite of Rednecks. Because of Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at Northerners (or how Northerners sometimes think of themselves YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK
IF...

...Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

...You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

...You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.

...You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road. (e.g., boiled peanuts, not road kill, Dummy!)

...You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

...For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.

...You don't know what a moon pie is. You have probably never watched a moon pie in a microwave.

Awesome!

...You've never had an RC Cola.

...You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.

...You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

...You have no idea what a polecat is.

..You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.

...You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

...You drink either "Pop" or "Soda"- instead of "Cokes."

...You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife show.

.. You have never been hep'd.

...You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach

...You have never gone to a family reunion to pick up women.

...You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

...You couldn't find the eye of the stove if your life depended on it.

...You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

..You have more than one professional sports team in your home state.

..You call binoculars opera glasses.

...You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

...You can't spit without opening your mouth.

...You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)

...You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Freddie, Johnnie, Jimmie, Ricki)

...You don't have Maw-maw's, Me-maws, Pawpaw's or Pappaw's.

...You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

...None of your fur coats are homemade.

 

[Succulent-one]

A MAGAZINE RECENTLY RAN A "DILBERT QUOTES" CONTEST. THEY WERE LOOKING FOR PEOPLE TO SUBMIT QUOTES FROM THEIR REAL LIFE DILBERT-TYPE MANAGERS. HERE ARE THE TOP TEN FINALISTS:


1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. (He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday) He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (Hallmark Cards executive)

 

[pkinbvco]

New Boots

Here's a joke I read a while back I think from the Prairie Home Companion website. It is somewhat embellished as it is recalled from memory and not verbatim. I hope you enjoy...

There was this older couple that had been married 30 years. It seems the man in this arrangement had always wanted a pair of cowboy boots. Not just any boots but special hand made boots from that boot store on Main Street.

One day after football he decides that he has waited long enough and goes to the special boot store and buys his beloved cowboy boots while his wife is out shopping. When he gets home he immediately puts them on and plops down on the couch with his feet up on the coffee table to better show off his new boots.

When his wife comes home she looks at him with disdain and contempt. He says smugly “well honey, do you notice anything different?” She crosses her arms and glares back at him. “Yea” she says. “You’ve got your feet on the table. Get ‘em off!”

Well this just ticks him off and he stomps off to the bedroom and slams the door. While he’s in there he’s thinking “how can I get her to notice my new boots?” Then he has an idea and he takes off his boots and the rest of his clothes. Then he puts his new cowboy boots back on and walks out of the bedroom completely nude, except for the boots. He finds his wife in the kitchen putting away groceries and makes his presence known.

“Well honey” he says “now do you notice anything different?” She turns towards him, looks him up and down a bit taking extra notice of his flaccid manhood dangling in front of him.

She crosses her arms and says in a rather irritated tone “no not really. “’It’s hangin’ down today, ‘it’ was hangin’ down yesterday and ‘it’ will probably be hangin’ down tomorrow.”

Now he starts turning red and gets really angry. “That’s because ‘it’s looking at my new boots!” he shouts.

She looks him up and down slowly one more time and calmly replies “well sweetie, maybe you should’ve bought a hat.”

 

[Succulent-one]

Hilarious Classified Ads


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=================

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=================

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GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free

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=================

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=================

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

=================

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

=================

NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened used once

=================

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

=================

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

 

[Succulent-one]

English, Scottish and Irish Golf Story

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."



The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."



Next, the Scotsman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."



He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"



Lastly, the Irishman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."



The Irishman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

 

[Succulent-one]

Blondes

Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building?
They wanted to see if their maxi-pads really had wings.

What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone's been in a 747!

Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.

Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date?
So they have a place to put their feet.

 

[Succulent-one]

T-G-I-F vs S-H-I-T
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled
her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
"'T-G-I-F' means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, Its' Thursday'"


AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS DIRTY!!!

 

[Succulent-one]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,
became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to
her, explained his confusion, and asked her if she knew what hole he was
playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you
must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same
thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm now on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same
lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew
the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the
course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for
your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in
sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said,
"See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

 

[Succulent-one]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a
job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."


The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. "How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."


The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."


The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

 

[Succulent-one]

A cowboy walks into a bar, and he's not even two steps in, when
he realizes it's a gay bar. "Oh, what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is
a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you
tell me the name of your penis, those are the rules. Mine for
instance is called Nike, for the slogan "Just Do It." That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because "It really Satisfies'." The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.


So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX". The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"


A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"


Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET.

Now give me a beer.." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!" .

 

[Succulent-one]

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

[alwaysawake]

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

I'm glad I am single and have a dome tent next to the living room couch--I LOVE camping out!

 

[Joey3308]

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.
~Irv Kupcinet



I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage.
~Erma Bombeck

 

[Succulent-one]

A cowboy and his wife were walking the bull pens at the fair.The cowboy's
wife poked her husband in the ribs and said..."Would'ja looky there, that
old boy mated 50 times last year".. They walked a bit further and on
another pen a sign hung, saying... " This Bull mated 120 times last
year"..."Wooo," said the wife....That bull mated 120 times last
year...that's more than twice't a week, honey....ya'll could learn a th'ang
or two from him..."

They strolled a bit further and low and behold, a third pen had a sign on it
saying, "This old boy mated over 365 times last year"... The cowboy's wife
became rather excited and remarked...That's at least once a day, honey
bunch....you could REALLY learn something from this one".... The cowboy
turned and looked at his wife and dryly said... "Baby doll, go up and ask
that old bull if it was with the same old cow everytime...."

LATEST BULLETIN.....
the cowboy's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable...he should
be able to eat soft foods in about a week. He is expected to make a full
recovery....

 

[Succulent-one]

A life story

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry
fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches, I
will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three
inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three
inches... that fish will jump for the fly...and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing
to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three
inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab
for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper trophy."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but.I can
tell you there was more......

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down
three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for t
hat fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, "Gosh... if
that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly...and that
bear grabs for that fish... and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse
makes off with the cheese sandwich.....then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and dry that he heads down for the cooling
mist of the water...

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish...

The hunter shoots the bear...

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse...

The mouse ducks... ............

The cat falls in and drowns.


The moral of the story is.... Whenever a fly goes down three inches... Some
pussy is probably in danger.

 

[Succulent-one]

Taxes

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks...
"What is your occupation?" "I'm a whore," she says. The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no, that will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?" Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."

 

[Succulent-one]

You've got to know about Skoal to appreciate this one. For you
non-cowboys...the container for this snuff is very large, flat and round,
and the cowboy carries it in his back jean pocket.

Now, back to the story: Prior to her trip to Oregon, Buffy (a Blonde
New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her
trip to the great northwest..She wanted to taste some real Western
Bar-B-Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she
fared."Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and
when they slow cook those steaks over that Mesquite, it's oh so good. The
Taste is unbelievable!" "And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes!
Those guys wrestle full-grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop then
jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the
ground! It is just incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"
"Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in
their back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

 

[Succulent-one]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how
she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied. "Especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing
each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it, and then for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback! Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!"