Jokes

[Succulent-one]

Lifesavers

College professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers

He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time and asked them to identify them by color flavor. The children began to say:

Red ...Cherry
Yellow......Lemon
Green .........Lime
Orange ........Orange

Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well" he said, "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled,

"OH MY GOD!!!! They're ass holes!!"

 

[veryblueeyes]

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

 

[Joey3308]

Real Bumper Stickers


"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and yelling like his passengers...."

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"i souport publik edekasion"

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

 

[Succulent-one]

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little
piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy, "but
why have you only ordered water all evening?"


You're gonna LOVE me for this....
The third piggy says -


"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

 

[Joey3308]

Good one Suc


> Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train
> was lost and low on food.
> No other humans had been seen for days, and
> then the pioneers saw an Old
> Norwegian sitting beneath a tree
>
> "Is there some place ahead where we can get
> food?"
>
> "Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I
> vouldn't go up dat hill und
> down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run
> into a big bacon tree."
>
> "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
>
> "Yah, n bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I
> vouldn't go dere."
>
> The leader goes back and tells his people what
> the Norwegian said.
>
> "So why did he say not to go there?," a person
> asked.
>
> Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those
> Norwegian people - they lie
> just for a joke."
>
> So the wagon train goes up the hill and down
> the other side. Suddenly,
> Indians attack them from everywhere and
> massacre all except the leader
> who manages to escape and get back to the old
> Norwegian.
>
> Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent
> us to our deaths! We
> followed your route, but there was no bacon
> tree, just hundreds of
> Indians who killed everyone but me."
>
> The old Norwegian man holds up his hand and
> says, "Oof-da, vait a
> minute." He quickly picks up an
> English-Norwegian dictionary and begins thumbing
> through it.
>
> "Oof-da, I made such ah big mishtake! It
> vuzn't a bacon tree, it vuz
> a ham bush!!"

 

[Succulent-one]

MORE PROOF. DON'T MESS WITH A WOMAN. ESPECIALLY IN A BAR.

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

 

[Succulent-one]

Fishing vs. sex - Twenty Differences between Fishing and Sex

#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.
#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.
#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.
#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.
#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.
#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.
#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for Fishing harassment.
#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to
subscribe to the Playboy channel.
#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.
#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

 

[TNRkitect2b]

The new Homeland Security Bill has passed. Things will be different now
Internet surfing will be tracked by the FBI with a non-intrusive method
The FBI says you will not notice anything different.

Click below for a demonstration.

http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes

 

[Succulent-one]

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question: How did I get here?

Her mother told her, "God sent you."

"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.

"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.

"He sent them also" the mother said.

"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.

"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years?
No wonder everyone's so darn grouchy around here".

 

[Succulent-one]

Dear Diary... For my birthday present this year, Phil (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school
softball team (let's say over 30 years ago and leave it at that), I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll
call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Phil seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.

Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after
five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,
but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics
class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I
did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in
the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air --then he
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me
to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in
the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
the rowing machine --
which I sank.

Friday:
I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the *@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more
than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you
attended and graduated magna cum laude from.)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the *$@# Weather Channel.

Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year Phil
(the
Beast) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
hysterectomy.

 

[Succulent-one]

Acme Costumes

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a
Halloween party. He
doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and
his leg so he
writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A
few days later he
received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover
your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a
pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have
emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A
week goes by and he
receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe
will cover your
wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really
look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden
leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another
nasty letter of complaint The next day he gets a small parcel and a note,
which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the
molasses over your
bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as
a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume

 

[Succulent-one]

How to Avoid Flu

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.-

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of
the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of
antibacterial stuff around. -

Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.

Get plenty of rest.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR ... You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it, when
you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.
Why?
Because alcohol kills germs.

So...... I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona
(fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio
(fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and
then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels
up flu germs can't get you!!!!

 

[Joey3308]

Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?
It had no guts...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...

What did Dracula say when he kissed his vampire girlfriend?
Ouch...

How do monsters tell their future?
They read their horrorscope...

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...

What do zombies like to eat at a cook out?
Halloweenies...

What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball...

What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving...

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...

What does a ghost get when he falls and scrapes his knee?
A boo boo...

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

What is Dracula's favorite kind of coffee?
Decoffinated...

What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein...

What is a baby ghost's favorite game?
Peekaboo...

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're too wrapped up in themselves...

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends...

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts...

What do ghouls eat for breakfast?
Ghost toasties with evaporated milk. (Thanks to Bobbi)

What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel...

What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane...

What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
Bloodhounds...

What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
Lemon-slime...

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich...

What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A trombone...

What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets...

Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath...

What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure...

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation...

Why did the dyslexic vampire starve to death?
He couldn't find any dloob...

Did you hear about the cannibal boy that was 8 before he was 7?
hehehehe... (Thanks to Raoul)

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher...

What does a cannibal get when he comes home late for dinner?
The cold shoulder... (Thanks to Kelli)

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his mother-in-law in the jungle?
hee hee...

What do you get when you goose a ghost?
A handful of sheet... (Thanks to Annette)

What kind of car does a ghost drive?
A Boo-ick...

What did the mother ghost say to her son?
Don't spook unless you are spooken to... (Thanks to Kyle)

What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Sham-boo...

Why did the ghost pick his nose?
Because he had boogers... (Thanks to Pearline)

What kind of pants do ghosts wear?
Boojeans... (Thanks to Amanda)

Why wasn't the vampire working?
He was on a coffinbreak...

What do skeletons say before eating?
Bone Appétit... (Thanks to Calvin)

What does a child monster call his parents?
Mummy and Deady...

Where do fasionable ghosts shop for sheets?
At bootiques...

What ride do spirits like best at the amusement park?
The roller ghoster...

 

[Succulent-one]

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied, "divorce attorney."

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.c-wilkie.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/jokes/images/beer_belly.gif

 

[Succulent-one]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther,"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.

Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got
pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got
pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant
again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me".



____________________________________________________

 

[veryblueeyes]

How To Shower Like a Woman
>
> Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
> laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
> Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If
> you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
> areas.
>
> Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -
> make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
>
> Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth,
> leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice
> stone.
>
> Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage
> shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
>
> Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
> Condition your hair with grapefruit mint
> conditioner enhanced.
>
> Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub
> for 10 minutes until red.
>
> Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and
> jaffa cake body wash
>
> Rinse conditioner off hair.
>
> Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.
> Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots
> with Tilex.
>
> Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a
> small country.
>
> Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
>
> Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and
> towel on head.
>
> If you see husband along the way, cover up any
> exposed areas.
>
>
>
> How To Shower Like a Man
>
> Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of
> the bed and leave them in a pile.
>
> Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife
> along the way, shake wiener at her making the
> 'woo-woo' sound.
>
> Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
>
> Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your
> butt.
>
> Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your
> armpits.
>
> Blow your nose in your hands and let the water
> rinse them off.
>
> Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
>
> Spend majority of time washing privates and
> surrounding area.
>
> Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs
> stuck on the soap.
>
> Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
>
> Rinse off and get out of shower.
>
> Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor
> because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole
> time.
>
> Admire wiener size in mirror again.
>
> Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
> light and fan on.
>
> Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If
> you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her
> and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
>
> Throw wet towel on bed.
>
> If there is anyone among you who did not laugh
> at the truth behind this, there is something so
> very wrong with you.

 

[Joey3308]

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:
by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason
why the human race has not achieved, and never will
achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views
with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop
expecting other people to make a big deal about your
birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status
or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a
waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very
important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember
that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of
professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine.
They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to
stomp the crap out of them until they turn into
something acceptable to have dinner with.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means
that by 2030, there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

 

[potatohead]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love(?), asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting onefinger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
Look on Cop's Face: PRICELESS.

 

[CaLadyInRed69]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love(?), asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting onefinger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
Look on Cop's Face: PRICELESS.

lmFao ....... I just have to send this one to my sister-in-law that will soon be marrying into the blue brotherhood!!! Great joke!

es, CA

 

[Succulent-one]

Martha Stewart's Etiquette for Rednecks
GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup
and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is
the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE: 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even
if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

 

[Succulent-one]

OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS
When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately
threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going down dere
yust for 50 cents."

THAT'S HER!
A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police
line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted,
"Yep, dat's her!"

SWIM COMPETITION
A Swedish woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in
the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The
Frenchwoman came in first, the Englishwoman second. The Swede reached
shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and
coffee, she remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose other
two girls used der arms."

FAMOUS INVENTIONS
The Swedes invented the toilet seat.
Twenty years later the Norwegians invented the hole in it.

VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE
Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned
with only one fish. "The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400" said
the first Norwegian. "Vell," said the other one, "At dat price it's a
good ting ve didn't catch any more."

FINGERNAILS
One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured
her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails.
"Good gracious," said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?" "It vas
really simple," was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."

THE RELATIONS
Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89.
One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole
reached over and patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever happened tew
our sex relations?" He asked. "Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied
Lena.
"I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas."

MUSIC SOLUTION
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars
inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persvaded her to
svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell," Ole answered,
"because vith a clarinet, she can't sing.

THE PRANK CALL
The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed
and Ole answers. "Vell how da hell should I know, dats twotousand miles
from here" he says and hangs up. "Who vas dat?" asks
Lena. "I donno, some damn fool wanting to know if da coast vas clear.

 

[Succulent-one]

Alamosa Laws
Throwing missles at cars is illegal

Denver Laws
The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for
three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and
along a public road running through said pa

It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
neighbor.

You may not drive a black car on Sundays. (Repealed)

It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado.

Pueblo Laws
It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits.

Sterling Laws
Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight

Texas Laws

When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall
come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has
gone.

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while
standing.

Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or
owning more than six sex toys

It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a
hotel.

It is illegal to milk another person's cow.

One may not tip over a casket at a funeral.
Location: United States, Oklahoma, Oklahoma C

A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their
victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to
explain the nature of the crime to be committed.


The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it
contains a formula for making beer at home.

Texarkana Laws
Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights

Port Arthur Laws
Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator.

Lubbock County Laws
It is illegal to drive within an arm's length of alcohol -
including alcohol in someone else's blood stream

Clarendon Laws
It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster

Florida Laws
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday
or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal

When having sex, only the missionary position is legal

You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.

It is considered an offense to shower naked

Pensacola Laws
Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on
their person.

A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in
a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils.

Seven or more indians are considered a raiding or war party and it
is legal to shoot them.
Location: United States, Montana

It is illegal for a woman to drive a car up Main Street unless her
husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag.

Only licensed electricians may change a light bulb. The fine for
not abiding by this law is 10 pounds.
Location: Australia, Victoria

Molesting an automobile is illegal.
Location: United States, Oklahoma, Clinton

It's illegal to take a lion to the movies.
Location: United States, Maryland, Baltimore

A license is required to keep a lunatic.
Location: United Kingdom

A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people
other than himself at any one period during the day.
Location: United States, Nevada, Nyala

It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich.
Location: United States, Washington

It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.
Location: United States, Ohio

Males may not be sexually aroused in public.
Location: United States, Tennessee, Nashville

One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth.
Location: United States, Illinois, Champai

No one may walk backwards downtown while eating a hamburger.
Location: United States, Oklahoma, Oklahoma City

Kisses may last for no more than five minutes.
Location: United States, Iowa

 

[Succulent-one]

Old Deaf Guys

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer."

----------------------------------------------------------

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

---------------------------------------------------------

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said,

"You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "



The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

----------------------------------------------------------

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

No," he replied, "arthritis".

 

[Joey3308]

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Italian
Ti Amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida

Nice Ass, Get in the truck