Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Jokes
- Thread starter biggbear8
- Start date
veryblueeyes
Poseidon's Wench
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2003
- Posts
- 28,405
It's the summer of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says, "That's cool." Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie. Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "we know that Peggy Sue really likes toscrew, why she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with small wink for Bobby. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST !!!!!!!!"
Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says, "That's cool." Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie. Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "we know that Peggy Sue really likes toscrew, why she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with small wink for Bobby. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST !!!!!!!!"
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
The many meanings of P-M-S:
1.Pass My Shotgun
2.Psychotic Mood Shift
3.Perpetual Munching Spree
4.Puffy Mid-Section
5.People Make me Sick
6.ProvideMe withSweets
7.Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9.Pass My Sweatpants
10.Pissy Mood Syndrome
11.Plainly; Men Suck
12.Pack My Stuff
...and my favorite one..
13.Potential Murder Suspect
1.Pass My Shotgun
2.Psychotic Mood Shift
3.Perpetual Munching Spree
4.Puffy Mid-Section
5.People Make me Sick
6.ProvideMe withSweets
7.Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9.Pass My Sweatpants
10.Pissy Mood Syndrome
11.Plainly; Men Suck
12.Pack My Stuff
...and my favorite one..
13.Potential Murder Suspect
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Okay, so this lady goes into Walmart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special. All of the sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!" The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!" In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN
I'M GETTING SCREWED!"
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!" The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!" In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN
I'M GETTING SCREWED!"
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Good one SO! 
Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror.
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing
her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.
"God, if You take away my love handles, I'll devote
my life to You," she prayed.
And (*POOF*) ..... just like that .... her ears fell off.
Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror.
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing
her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.
"God, if You take away my love handles, I'll devote
my life to You," she prayed.
And (*POOF*) ..... just like that .... her ears fell off.
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a Girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a Passionate Girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with Stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some Excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with Her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on Anything. She
did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as Often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but Directionless. So, I
decided to find a girl with some Real Ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious That she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girls with big tits.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a Passionate Girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with Stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some Excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with Her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on Anything. She
did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as Often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but Directionless. So, I
decided to find a girl with some Real Ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious That she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girls with big tits.
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying "All you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks"
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house!. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language,"
Two hours later the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say. "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one".
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under the seat. Remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey.
As the mother began to smile, the child added." For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen".
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house!. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language,"
Two hours later the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say. "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one".
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under the seat. Remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey.
As the mother began to smile, the child added." For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen".
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
> groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a
> good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an
> upscale cocktail lounge.
>
> Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
> The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes
> a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
>
> <><><><><><><>
>
>
> An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
> years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
> for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
>
> The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
> said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
> you can hear again."
>
> The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
> around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
> times!"
>
> <><><><><><><>
>
> Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being
> discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
> elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
> suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the
> hospital.
>
> After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him
> to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting
> him.
>
> "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
> changing out of her hospital gown."
> groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a
> good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an
> upscale cocktail lounge.
>
> Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
> The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes
> a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
>
> <><><><><><><>
>
>
> An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
> years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
> for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
>
> The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
> said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
> you can hear again."
>
> The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
> around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
> times!"
>
> <><><><><><><>
>
> Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being
> discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
> elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
> suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the
> hospital.
>
> After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him
> to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting
> him.
>
> "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
> changing out of her hospital gown."
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
The Garbage Disposal
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm
lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because
the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I
had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in
the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain
the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes
to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard
my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey!
The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent
outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her
behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and
stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action
I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal
teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling
bjects she spied hanging between my legs.
She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under
the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she
leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly
rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten
hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with
a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the
"flight" option.
I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air
when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The
impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are
not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the
kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-here, done-that"
paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the
paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their
work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.... ... and
not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all.
A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where
colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm
lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because
the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I
had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in
the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain
the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes
to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard
my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey!
The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent
outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her
behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and
stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action
I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal
teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling
bjects she spied hanging between my legs.
She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under
the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she
leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly
rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten
hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with
a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the
"flight" option.
I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air
when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The
impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are
not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the
kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-here, done-that"
paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the
paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their
work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.... ... and
not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all.
A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where
colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here
for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here
for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened
him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened
him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Subject: THE LINGERIE PURCHASE
A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife. He is shown sever al possibilities that range
from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He
opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and
model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might
as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it
tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at
least iron it!"
He never heard the shot
Funeral Services are pending.
A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife. He is shown sever al possibilities that range
from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He
opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and
model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might
as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it
tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at
least iron it!"
He never heard the shot
Funeral Services are pending.
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Dear Abby,
My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time the asshole will buy me a diamond.
Sincerely,
Bitchy in Boston
My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time the asshole will buy me a diamond.
Sincerely,
Bitchy in Boston
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Replacement windows
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got
a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been
completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh
boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that
I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what
his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year
the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up
and I haven't heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got
a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been
completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh
boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that
I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what
his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year
the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up
and I haven't heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Magic Frog
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered , "IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."
The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.
She bought the frog and put him in the car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."
So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.
THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS?
OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON
SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.
She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered , "IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."
The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.
She bought the frog and put him in the car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."
So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.
THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS?
OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON
SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.
She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about
enlarging her breasts. He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower, rub your nipples and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
So she did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning, she was running late and when she was on the bus, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point, she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them. So she got up, right in the middle of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith
by any chance?"
"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
He leaned toward her and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock.."
enlarging her breasts. He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower, rub your nipples and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
So she did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning, she was running late and when she was on the bus, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point, she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them. So she got up, right in the middle of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith
by any chance?"
"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
He leaned toward her and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock.."
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
You Know You Are a Redneck When
When your suspension system is just a remake of an old engine hoist you had in the back yard.
When your floggers include, leather, suede, pigskin and road kill.
When your paddles include a cutting board, an old ore, and a whittled down axe handle.
When you can crack a single tail to the tune of Dixie.
When you tell your relatives that the hooks and pulleys in your bedroom ceiling are there so you can work on your truck engine and they believe you.
When you have a blow up coon dog on the top shelf of your closet.
When you think you can fix anything with duct tape, bailing twine or super glue.
When you have a spanking bench welded onto the bed of your pickup.
When bathroom control means a padlock on the outhouse.
When your electric toys include a cattle prod and the tractor battery with attached battery cables.
When your idea of suspension is hanging your sub by the overall straps from the bailing hook in the old barn.
If your idea of bitch boots are brogans.
When the last time you did fire play you had hell getting that bar-b-que grill through the bedroom door.
When your idea of lube includes the five-gallon tub of Crisco or WD-40.
When you and your slave are conversing about cow tipping, chitlins, or out houses and you think you are having an intelligent conversation.
When the majority of your BDSM equipment comes from the feed and grain store.
When you go hunting each season just because you really want to get a new set of matching floggers...
When ice play is skinny-dipping in the creek in November.
When your suspension system is just a remake of an old engine hoist you had in the back yard.
When your floggers include, leather, suede, pigskin and road kill.
When your paddles include a cutting board, an old ore, and a whittled down axe handle.
When you can crack a single tail to the tune of Dixie.
When you tell your relatives that the hooks and pulleys in your bedroom ceiling are there so you can work on your truck engine and they believe you.
When you have a blow up coon dog on the top shelf of your closet.
When you think you can fix anything with duct tape, bailing twine or super glue.
When you have a spanking bench welded onto the bed of your pickup.
When bathroom control means a padlock on the outhouse.
When your electric toys include a cattle prod and the tractor battery with attached battery cables.
When your idea of suspension is hanging your sub by the overall straps from the bailing hook in the old barn.
If your idea of bitch boots are brogans.
When the last time you did fire play you had hell getting that bar-b-que grill through the bedroom door.
When your idea of lube includes the five-gallon tub of Crisco or WD-40.
When you and your slave are conversing about cow tipping, chitlins, or out houses and you think you are having an intelligent conversation.
When the majority of your BDSM equipment comes from the feed and grain store.
When you go hunting each season just because you really want to get a new set of matching floggers...
When ice play is skinny-dipping in the creek in November.
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Little Johnny's Letter to Santa
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity! WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH? YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL FUCK YOU UP! I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE...YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON A MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT BITCH!
Sincerely, Johnny
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity! WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH? YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL FUCK YOU UP! I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE...YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON A MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT BITCH!
Sincerely, Johnny
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Subject: University Chemistry Bonus Question
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying
it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using
Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed)
or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence
of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying
it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using
Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed)
or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence
of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he is doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humor!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, " You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, " You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
Joey3308
Let's Monkey Around
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2003
- Posts
- 24,198
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
HOLIDAY EATING TIPS
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.
Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.
like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact,
it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any
other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares
that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not
as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or
something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.
Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it.
That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not
stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy.
Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're
made with skim milk or whole
milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic
transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an
effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a
Christmas party is to eat other people's food for
free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise
between now and New Year's. You can do that in
January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need
after circling the buffet table while carrying a
10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a
buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the
shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them
and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful
pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going
to see them again.
8.. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a
slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have
two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three.
When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's
loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all
cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when
you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been
paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry,
January is just around the corner.
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.
Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.
like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact,
it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any
other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares
that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not
as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or
something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.
Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it.
That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not
stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy.
Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're
made with skim milk or whole
milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic
transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an
effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a
Christmas party is to eat other people's food for
free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise
between now and New Year's. You can do that in
January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need
after circling the buffet table while carrying a
10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a
buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the
shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them
and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful
pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going
to see them again.
8.. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a
slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have
two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three.
When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's
loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all
cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when
you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been
paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry,
January is just around the corner.
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
Why I Learned Math in School----
I was driving to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right
in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder
to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung
his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off. "Man, that guy is
stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish
manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or
unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has
a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off? . I think not
I was driving to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right
in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder
to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung
his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off. "Man, that guy is
stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish
manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or
unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has
a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off? . I think not
Succulent-one
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2003
- Posts
- 4,656
The Interpreter
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. The bookkeeper being deaf was considered an occupational benefit and the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that since a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to shake down the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney:
"Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the GUTS to pull the trigger."
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. The bookkeeper being deaf was considered an occupational benefit and the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that since a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to shake down the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney:
"Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the GUTS to pull the trigger."
