Jokes

[Succulent-one]

Making Love

The Italian says, When I've a finished a makina da love withah my
wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6
inces above a da bed in ecstacy.

The Frenchman replies, Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze
love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick
za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze
bed in pure ecstasy.

The redneck says, That ain't nothing. When I've finished porkin the
ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my
weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin ceiling.

 

[Succulent-one]

INNER PEACE

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me... and as we go though the winter we all could use a little calm. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.

The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you started." So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished...and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kailua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin good I feel...you must pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.

 

[Joey3308]

Geez....what a rack!


http://www.kerman94.net/rack.htm

 

[Joey3308]

A Russian scientist and a Czech scientist had spent their whole lives
studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year, they petitioned their
respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these
wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to NYC and
then out West to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and
were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too
dangerous to go out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally, the ranger relented.

The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each
and every day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two
scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists'
camp completely ravaged, but with no sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trails of a male and a female bear. They found the
female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten
the scientists because they feared an international incident.

They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach, but only found the
remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't
you?"

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."
__________________________________________

 

[veryblueeyes]

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man,"And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.liquidgeneration.com/poptoons/martha_turkey.asp

 

[Joey3308]

 

[Succulent-one]

THE LEGLESS PARROT

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud,

"Geesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?

The parrot responds, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy says. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent,
thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this; how do you hang onto your perch
without any feet?"

The parrot responds, "Well, this is very embarrassing. but since you asked,
I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.

You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't
you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really
ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssst"...said the parrot, truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any
feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!" The guy
offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is
sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great
pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy
is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, psssssssssssst,"
and motions him over with one wing. I don't know if I should tell you this
or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the
door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" The guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and put his hands under her
nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh No!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her
all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know." said the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my
perch."

 

[Succulent-one]

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the
stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About
5:00."
"Grea! t", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...... There's gonna be
some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25! years in the business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be
some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks
again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too," Lars said.
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?"
"Whatever you want..... Just gonna be the two of us."

 

[Succulent-one]

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood
on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he
noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder
was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load
of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last
night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood
over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so
drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time
with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through
a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came
up four or five times."

 

[Joey3308]

A GIRL'S PRAYER
Lord, before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a'twitchin,
In the hall, in the garden and in the kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
Amen.


A GUY'S PRAYER
Lord, I pray for a nympho with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and likes
to fish.
Amen.

 

[TNRkitect2b]

The 3 wise men turn up to visit the new born baby in the manger. One of them is very tall and bangs his head on the doorway on the way in.

"Jesus Christ", he exclaims, to which Joseph replies, "Write that down Mary, I like that better than Colin."

 

[Succulent-one]

It's time to reevaluate our involvement!

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV
there are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us
nothing but trouble. Why are we still there?

Many of our children go there and never come back. Why are we still
there?

Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership. Why are
we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are supposed to
bail them out of. Why are we still there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand.
Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans.
Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to
rebuild, which we can't afford. Why are we still there?

It is becoming clear...
.
.
.
WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!!!!!!!!!.

 

[His lil secret]

The 3 wise men turn up to visit the new born baby in the manger. One of them is very tall and bangs his head on the doorway on the way in.

"Jesus Christ", he exclaims, to which Joseph replies, "Write that down Mary, I like that better than Colin."

 

[Joey3308]

Got this from Misty Blue Eyes...had to post it

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."


Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.


Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)


(its a real treat)


(a masterpiece)


(wait for it)


The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

[yesYesYEsYES]

lmao....joey...you crack me up

 

[Joey3308]

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.



2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.



3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.



4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.



5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.



6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.



7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.



8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.



9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.



10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

 

[Succulent-one]

Resigning Preacher

This is a story about a popular young Detroit Baptist preacher who, one Sunday morning, announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Leroy, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year--and his lovely wife with a minivan to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs and applauds.

Maurice, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"

More sighs and applause.

Mrs. Ella May, aged 75, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll give him SEX!!"

There is a hush. The preacher, blushing, asks, "Mrs.Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?"


Mrs. Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said......."Screwwww him!"

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.safeoutdoorsex.com/home.htm

 

[Joey3308]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying,
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but, I don't
know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly, "Doing just
fine!"

And the other guy says, "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say, "Uhhh, I'm Just like you, trying to get through the day!"

At this point I'm just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question. "Can I come over to your place for a while?"

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could be just polite and
end the conversation. I tell him, "Well I have company over, so today is a
bad day for me."

Then I hear the guy say nervously, "LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back,
there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

 

[CaLadyInRed69]

Blunt Santa Clause...

deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
>hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China Every year I
give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa
P.S. Tell your mom she got the part.
"Long Dong" Claus

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your
ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa

 

[Joey3308]

How to deal with peace activists:

1. Listen quietly and intently while this person explains their views. They will probably voice many points, ranging from political to religious to Humanitarian and violence only leads to more violence.

2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in the fucking nose.

3. As the person gets up off of the ground, very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings about more violence. Tell them if they are really committed to a nonviolent approach to undeserved attacks, they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution. Tell them they must lead by example if they really believe what they are saying. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are correct.

4. As soon as they do that, punch them in the fucking nose.

5. Repeat steps 2-6 until they fly into a rage and come swinging at you.

6. Now tell them that they are cured

7. Lesson over.

 

[Joey3308]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he had his first meeting with the Devil.

The Devil asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the Devil said. "We actually have a lot of fun down
here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink
till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the Devil asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the
world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already
dead, remember?"

"Wow," the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The Devil continued, "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker,
slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow."

"You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean..."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of
crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never
realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The Devil said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna HATE Fridays!"


____________________________________________________

 

[Joey3308]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes
and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers.
Because it is Soooooo much cheaper.

So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!

____________________________________________________

 

[Joey3308]

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very
much in love, couldn't wait to go into town to tease the barmaids and party
with his old buddies.
So he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."


"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife says, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the refrigerator
and shows him 25 different kinds of beer- brands from 12 different
countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India...even Kitsilano Light.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of
saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie, but the bar, you know... the frozen
glass..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupted him by
saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" And she takes a huge beer mug
out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long.
I'll be right back. I promise, OK?

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" And she opens the oven and takes out
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But, sweet honey... at the bar... you know... the swearing, the dirty words
and all that..."

"You want some dirty words, cutie pie? Here: SIT THE FUCK DOWN, DRINK YOUR
FUCKIN' BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKIN' MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKIN' SNACKS. YOU AINT GOING TO THE FUCKIN' BAR! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?!"