Jokes

[Joey3308]

Lawyers Dog

A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.

"Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.

"Hit it, Spot," commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor.

"Your turn, Fella," said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.

 

[Joey3308]

It's sing-a-long time


http://www.beecy.net/frank/

 

[veryblueeyes]

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.

They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."

 

[veryblueeyes]

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

 

[Succulent-one]

Four old ladies were sitting around playing bridge.

The first old lady says,"You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry I have never stolen from you and I never will; we've been friends for too long."

The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But, don't worry I've not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we've been friends for too long."


Well," says the third old lady. "I too must confess I
am a lesbian. But, do not worry I'll not hit on you.
You are not my type. We have been friends for too long for me to ruin our friendship."

The fourth old lady stands up. "I've a confession to
make. I am an uncontrollable gossip and I have some phone calls to make!"

 

[Joey3308]

Mexican earthquake

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.Canada sends troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia sends oil.

Other Latin American countries send supplies. The European community sends food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, sends two million replacement Mexicans

 

[CaLadyInRed69]

Mexican earthquake

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.Canada sends troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia sends oil.

Other Latin American countries send supplies. The European community sends food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, sends two million replacement Mexicans

Oh please... let it be TRUE!!!!!!!!!

es, CA

 

[Succulent-one]

Brad, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any
of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard
has any advice for him.

"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them
baggy old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're
years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos -
about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin you man...you'll
have all the babes you want!"
The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his spanking
new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and .for cryin' out loud! -
it's worse than before! Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks
by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Brad goes
back to the lifeguard again and asks him, "What's wrong now?"
"Jeez!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"

 

[biggbear8]

thank you all for posting and making me laugh sorry I havent posted in a while but Im trying to get my weight down so I can have a an angiogram done in oct .

thx you all very much

 

[Succulent-one]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN.........

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I
was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
"fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits
are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher cried.

 

[Joey3308]

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/teresa_kerry_tootsie.jpg

 

[veryblueeyes]

{{{Bear}}} I hope it goes well.

John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an idiot," John said. "Piss on him." "You did", came the reply.
"And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

 

[Mysteryman5500]

I'm Glad it wasnt my car!

WORKING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY ASK RETIRED PEOPLE WHAT THEY
DO TO MAKE THEIR DAYS INTERESTING.

I WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN
THERE FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES. WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A
CITY COP WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET.

I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON, BUDDY, HOW ABOUT
GIVING A SENIOR A BREAK?"

HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET.

I CALLED HIM A NAME. HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED
WRITING ANOTHER TICKET FOR HAVING WORN TIRES. SO I
CALLED HIM A WORSE NAME. HE FINISHED THE SECOND
TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE FIRST.

THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET.
THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. THE MORE I ABUSED
HIM THE MORE TICKETS HE WROTE.

I DIDN'T CARE. MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE
CORNER AND THIS ONE HAD AN "ELECT JOHN KERRY" BUMPER
STICKER ON IT

I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN EACH DAY NOW THAT I'M
RETIRED. IT'S IMPORTANT AT OUR AGE.

 

[Joey3308]

How To Bathe A Cat

I.
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
II.
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

III.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

IV.
. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

V.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect toomuch.)

IV.
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relaxenough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better

 

[Succulent-one]

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons why golf is better then sex:

#10- A below-par Performance is considered good.

#9- You can stop in the middle for a cheeseburger & a couple of beers.

#8- It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7- Foursomes are encouraged.

#6- You can still make money doing it as a Senior.

#5- Three times a day is possible.

#4- Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

#3- If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.

#2- You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.


And the number one reason why golf is better than sex...


#1- If your equipment gets old & rusty, you can replace it. >>

 

[Joey3308]

In The Restaurant

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner.

So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she's back at the doctor's.

She says, 'Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you suggested. It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravishes me right there on the table.'

The doctor says, 'I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.'

'Naah...' she says, 'that's okay. We wouldn’t go back to that restaurant anyway.'

 

[Joey3308]

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/kerry_lurch.jpg

 

[Succulent-one]

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those useless bastards at Home Depot ever bring us the fucking drywall."

 

[biggbear8]

Men are like.....
Men are like ........Laxatives ..... They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like ........ Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ........ Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ........ Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ....... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ........ Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ........ Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ........ Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like . Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ........ Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

 

[BooMerengue]

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday Sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

.....The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

.....The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

.....The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

.....The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -- dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke -- dead.

Third worm in sperm -- dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil -- alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

 

[Joey3308]

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/kerry_edwards_sue.jpg

 

[Joey3308]

25 Fun Pool Activities

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met. 2) Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today. 3) Ask people if they have seen your pet shark. 4) Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys. 5) Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim. 6) Hit strangers with your flutter board. 7) Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you. 8) Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ''Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....'' 9) Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move. 10) Swim near someone and go ''Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here.'' 11) Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool. 12) Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ''HA-HA, fooled you!'' 13) Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board. 14) Laugh at fat people in swimsuits. 15) Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool. 16) Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed. 17) Try to negotiate the price of getting in. 18) Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off. 19) When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount. 20) Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ''Wheee! I'm Batman!'' while running around. 21) Hit strangers with your wet towel. 22) Throw people's things into the pool. 23) Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale. 24) Play Marco-Polo by yourself. 25) Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

 

[Succulent-one]

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
plateau.
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone
money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not
build
its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:

A) the condor;

B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or

D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
doubly
on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
Audience Poll Lifeline.
All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not
have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home
happened to be a blonde.

But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave
her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C:
The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the
one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a
blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.

On the other hand -- the blonde had responded with such confidence,
such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo
Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that
answer is. . absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends-- including the blonde who had helped her win the million
dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a
millionaire.

And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which
you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By
the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?"

Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't
build nests. They live in clocks."

 

[Mysteryman5500]

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe
that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of your time... A young
family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a
construction crew came in and began building a house on the empty lot. The
family's 5-year-old daughter became interested in all the activity going on
next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually, the
construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted
her as a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them
while they took coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, the men presented her with a pay envelope which contained $5.00. The little girl took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration, and suggested that they take the money she received to the bank to start a savings account. When they talked to the bank teller, she
was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had earned her
very own paycheck at such a young age. The child proudly replied I worked
last week with the crew building the house next door to us. My goodness
gracious, said the teller and will you be working on the house again
this week, too? The little girl replied, I will if those assholes at
Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock...

 

[yesYesYEsYES]

The guy who invented the vibrator had a vision, and in that vision he heard voices:

''If you build it they will come.''