Jokes

[Succulent-one]

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients that were made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc! You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?!!"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas.... We’re now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.... You do the Hokey Pokey.... and yeeow!"

8. "Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "Remember, if your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

And THE best one:
11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

 

[Joey3308]

TEN THINGS THAT REALLY PISS ME OFF!!!

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.

3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?

5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at frikken ceiling up there.

7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole you fucking pulled me over!

 

[Succulent-one]

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to
the mall in search of one in her size.
She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in
lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and
proceeded to another department store where
she is rebuffed in much the same manner.

After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become
disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales
clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have
anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

 

[Joey3308]

One day Superman is really horny and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a beach naked! He gets an idea... "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her powers. So he zooms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What the was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"

 

[Succulent-one]

You know you're from Massachusetts when...


1. You have to dial the area code to call your neighbor

2. You think crosswalks are for babies

3. Khaki's are something you start the car with

4. You think if someone's nice to you, they either want something or they're
from out of town (and probably lost)

5. You know how to cross 4 lanes of traffic in 5 seconds

6. If you hear someone say "pahk the cah in hahvad yahd" one more time you're going to slap them
upside the head.

7. Anything west of Worcester is "the middle of nowhere"

8. You are amazed when traveling out of town that people who work at McDonald's speak English.

9. You think it's not actually tailgating unless your bumper is touching the
car in front of you.

10. You know that a yellow light means at least 5 more cars can get through.....

11. and that a red light means 2 more can.

12. Crown Victoria = undercover cop

13. Subway is a fast food place. The transportation system is known as the "T", and only the "T"

14. For the cost of your house, you could own a small town in Iowa.

15. There are 6 Dunkin Donuts within 20 minutes of your house.

16. You or someone in your family has a Smart Tag

17. When people talk about the "curse of the Bambino", you know what they're talking about (and
believe in it too)

18. You think of Rhode Island as the "deep south"

19. You think the Yankee's suck.

20. You believe using a turn signal "gives away your plan to the enemy"

21. If you stay on the same road long enough, it will eventually have 3 names

22. Someone has honked at you because you didn't peel out the second the light turned green.

23. You've honked at someone because they didn't peel out the second the light turned green.

24. All the potholes just add excitement to your driving experiences.

25. Stop signs mean slow down a little, but only if you feel like it.

26. 6 inches of snow is considered a "dusting"

27. 3 days of 90+ heat is definitely a "heat wave" and 63 degree weather is "wicked warm".

28. $15 to park is a bargain

29. Through high school you had seen many fist fights between guys------but more between GIRLS!!

 

[Succulent-one]

The pond

This fellow had owned this large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it
fixed up nice, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.


One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it
over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.


One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"


The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators

 

[Joey3308]

Yo' Mama's So Fat.....

whenever she goes swimming in the ocean, baby whales can be seen nursing on her breasts
when she wears high heels, she strikes oil!
she uses a mattress for a Kotex
she makes King Kong look like a baby chimp
even Arsenio couldn't kiss all her butt
she uses a roll of Bounty and a rope for a tampon
she showers at a car wash
when your father mounts her, his ears pop
she's on both sides of the family!
her picture wieghs 10 pounds!
her diaphragms come in a Domino's pizza box
when she goes to the beach, she's the only one who gets a tan
she uses a hula hoop as a pinkie ring
if she bent over, they could show two movies on her butt
when she dances the band skips
I could go bungie jumping with the elastic from her underwear
when she wears a red dress, everyone yells, "Hey Kool-Aid!"
her clothes have stretch marks
her nickname is "eclipse"!
she got her own atmosphere
when she sites around the house, she REALLY sits around the house

 

[Succulent-one]

Bad Habits

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless
man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted $10 and
asked"If I give you this money, will you buy beer with
it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago"
the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?"
the man asked. "No, I don't gamble" the homeless man
said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive.
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course
instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you nuts!"
replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the
red-light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"No, I gave up sex long ago" confessed the homeless
man.
"Well" said the man"I'm giving you the money, and I'm
going to take you home for a delicious dinner cooked
by my wife." The homeless man was surprised and
delighted. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting." The man replied"That's OK. I just want
her to see what a man looks like who has given up
beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

 

[veryblueeyes]

One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!"

 

[Joey3308]

1... "Superman Gets Horny"
One day Superman is really horny and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a beach naked! He gets an idea... "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her powers. So he zooms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What the was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"





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2... "Questions & Answers ..."
Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A: A dictater.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pickle and a deer?
A: A dildo.





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3... "My Family Is Gay"
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back.
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said: "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah... My wife!"





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4... "POOF! POOF!"
There were three guys in hell. an Italian guy , a bum and a gay guy. One day the devil says to them I'm gonna give you one more chance on Earth, but you can't have your favorite thing.
"Italian guy, you can't have any pizza.
Bum, you can never shag money again.
Gay guy, you can never have sex with another man."
So the devil sends them back to Earth and they wind up in front of a pizza shop. The Italian guy just can't control himself and he runs in and eats a piece of pizza, POOF! Now the gay guy and the bum are walking down the street and the gay guy spots a $100 bill and points it out to the bum. The bum bends over and picks it up with the gay guy behind him and, POOF!... POOF!





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5... "The Flashing Wife"
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, Chris, he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"No, come on in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together."
Sara say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

 

[veryblueeyes]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

 

[Joey3308]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Great...I was eating pizza when I read that one...almost choked

 

[veryblueeyes]

Don't choke on me!!!


A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. He climbs the steps and rings the bell.. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me." The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

 

[alwaysawake]

I loved these...and they are for real!


Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

 

[Joey3308]

Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs. One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God - They eat dogs in America?"

"I can't believe it!" says the other, equally appalled.

"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do."

They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please." The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"

 

[Succulent-one]

RIDING A BIKE


The missionary realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives
was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the
forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther
and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a
couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a
bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills
them.

The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent
years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so
how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

 

[veryblueeyes]

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads... Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary." When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows... Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND, you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

 

[CaLadyInRed69]

EVE'S VERSION

EVE'S VERSION

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

So, how is everything going?" inquired God?

"It is all so beautiful God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets
are breathtaking; the smells, the sights --everything is wonderful.
But I have just this one problem. It's these three breasts that you
have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am
constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches,
snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve.
Eve went on to tell God that many other parts of her body such as
her limbs, eyes, and ears came in pairs, and she felt that having
only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically
balanced", as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this,
you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you
needed only half of those, but I see that you are right.. I will fix it
up right away."

God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed it into
the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation now?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You
see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow
has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.
How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you..... now let's see, where
did I put that useless boob?"

Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that business about the rib?

******It's just a joke guys*******

 

[CaLadyInRed69]

The Nudist Colony

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....

"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!

 

[CaLadyInRed69]

Yes... another Lawyer joke.... not that there is anything wrong with them, lol

A doctor, a garbage truck driver, and a lawyer die and go to Heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they will each have to answer one question correctly to enter into the Divine Kingdom.

The doctor is chosen to be asked first. St. Peter thinks, "Hmmm...a Doctor would be a nice addition to Heaven." So, he asks the doctor, "What was the name of the ship that hit an iceberg and sank into the sea?" The doctor replies, "That's easy. Titanic." St. Peter allows him to enter into Heaven for correctly answering the question.

He next turns to the garbage truck driver. He thinks, "Well, he could belong in Heaven, but we don't really need him." So, he asks, "How many people drowned?" The garbage truck driver replies, "That's simple. 2,212." St. Peter says, "That's right!" He then turns to the lawyer, and says, "Name them."

 

[veryblueeyes]

The difference between bathing suits now and from way back when, are that the bathing suits from the past required that you opened the suit to see the butt. The bathing suits of today require that you open the butt to see the suit.

 

[Joey3308]

Things not to say on your Valentine's date...

1. Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?

2. I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

3. No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin.

4. I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

5. People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.

6. I used to come here all the time with my ex.

7. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

8. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

9. I like clay. It's mushy.

10. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

11. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

12. I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.

13. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

 

[Joey3308]

This young lady was invited out for a night with the girls. She told her
husband, "I'll be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around
3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, she stumbled on home.

Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing he'd probably wake up, she cuckooed
another 9 times.

She was so proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution
(even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning the husband asked what time the young lady got in, and she
told him, "About 12:00." He didn't seem disturbed at all. She began
thinking, "Whew! Got away with that one!"
A minute or two later, the husband said, "I think we need a new cuckoo
clock." "Why do you say that," she asked. "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed Three times, then said, 'OH SHIT,'" cuckooed 4 more times, cleared
its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice and then
tripped over the cat and farted.

 

[redrider4u]

There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened. "I'm not sure, but I think she choked".

 

[Joey3308]

Big Moe Wants Some

This big ole' trucker is driving through Dallas one night and decides to stop at this bar that a buddy of his had told him about. He parks his rig and goes inside. He walks up to the bartender says in this dumb-hick voice,"Big Moe wantsa get f*uked."

The bartender looks at him and tells him it'll cost him 10 bucks.

Big Moe drops a ten-dollar-bill on the bar.

The bartender tells him to go across the street to the hotel and knock on room 14 he'll get want he wants there.

So Big Moe goes over to the hotel and knocks on door number 14. This HUGE James Earl Jones type voice barrels from inside, "What the HELL to you want?"

"Big Moe wantsa get f*uked," our friend answers.

"Well," the voice replies. "Slip 20 dollars under the door."

So Big Moe slips the cash under the door.

He's waitin for awhile and nothin happens. A few minutes later he decides to knock again.

The big voice asks again, "What the Hell do you want?"

"Big Moe wantsa get f*uked," he answers.

The man on the other side shouted through the door, "What Again!"