Interfering in Sibling Relationships

[Rubyfruit]

This thread is probably better suited to the day crew, but what the fuck. I'm bored.

Parents, to what extent do you let siblings work out their differences together? At what point do you step in?

From the first time Evil Twin One learned that she got a really neato reaction from Evil Twin Two by pulling the binkie out of her mouth, their relationship has been set in stone. Twin Two is the victim and Twin One is the aggressor.

Frankly, I'm for letting them work out their differences. I would only step in if it came to blows. Well, that's not exactly true. If their fighting starts to annoy me, I tell them they can't play together unless it's nicely. Separation. They hate that.

But anyway, for the most part, I will tell them to work it out between themselves.

I think it's my dog obedience training background. Pack animals will develop a natural hierarchy all by themselves.

Are we as humans much different?

Curiously,

Ruby

 

[RosevilleCAguy]

This thread is probably better suited to the day crew, but what the fuck. I'm bored.

Parents, to what extent to you let siblings work out their differences together? At what point do you step in?

From the first time Evil Twin One learned that she got a really neato reaction from Evil Twin Two by pulling the binkie out of her mouth, their relationship has been set in stone. Twin Two is the victim and Twin One is the aggressor.

Frankly, I'm for letting them work out their differences. I would only step in if it came to blows. Well, that's not exactly true. If their fighting starts to annoy me, I tell them they can't play together unless it's nicely. Separation. They hate that.

But anyway, for the most part, I will tell them to work it out between them.

I think it's my dog obedience training background. Pack animals will develop a natural hierarchy all by themselves.

Are we as humans much different?

Curiously,

Ruby

I have two kids. I make it so that any conflict they have has much worse results than if they work together. I think it it easier as they are different genders. They are also both involved in martial arts, which actually seems to make them more likely to work things out then fight.

 

[Guru]

 

[amelia]

i've seen this play out over and over again in my classroom. one is the victim and one is the aggressor. i normally give the 'victim' the right words to say to stick up for his/herself and then i try to stay out of it..as long as it's not physical or verbally abusive. (in the classroom it's normally annoying things like bumping into someone..taking toys..scribbling on the others paper..more then physical things) i only step in if i feel i need to. i think sticking up for yourself is an important lesson for kids to learn.


if you're interested, siblings without rivalry is a great book. it's easy to read, real life and informative.

 

[Matthew D]

From personal experience Ruby, twins have their own set of dynamics relationship wise. Usually, the oldest it the most agressive, the most talkative, etc. While the youngest twin usually is more laid back of the pair. I am a twin and I have twin cousins that act the same way, also growing up there were 4 other sets of twins in my class. So that is my observation.
On getting involved. I kinda just listen in on the conversation if it get kinda loud then make a decision based on what is going on. It is a hard call to figure what to do at times

 

[freakygirl]

I do what my parents did.

I give them each a big stick... send them outside and tell them that the "winner" has to clean up the blood. So far.. so good. But they are getting older so I'm thinking it might be time to stop doing that.

Seriously... I allow it to go on until I can't handle the fighting anymore. My kids have always been really close. Not alot of fighting. Except now that my oldest is 15 and he is annoying anyway.... he bugs his younger sisters and brother just to see their reaction. I've tried to tell the younger ones.. no reaction means Ben shuts up sooner. But that doesn't seem to work anymore either.

They can't seem to not react.

Don't even get me started on Mr Freakys brats. Those four have some serious issues.. and I'm glad they don't spend time here anymore.

 

[Rubyfruit]

Thank you for your input, Guy and Guru, and I agree, Guru, the world is very much like that. That's why I try to step back as much as possible.

Amelia, I'm glad you spoke up. Thank you. It's always interesting to hear the opinion of a teacher. I asked about how ET1 was behaving in school and was surprised to hear that she isn't a bully, doesn't take toys from other kids and gets along just fine.

ET2 does tend to be the victim, but I was assured they don't continue to foster it.

 

[Bob_Bytchin]

We have 4 kids, all 2 years apart. Our oldest has always tried to be the boss, but the middle two don't stand for it. If we let them handle problems on their own, the middle two would beat the crap out of the oldest. So we let things go so far, then we step in and mediate as best we can.

As long as kids won't get hurt, it's best to let them handle things on their own. But if you have two that stick together against one, then you definitely need to put your nose in their business.

 

[Minout]

Interfere, don't interfere, it doesn't really matter. What does matter is how you do it. Don't take sides. Don't sympathize with the "victim" and punish the "aggressor". Kids love to play their parents like violins. Treat them equally when they fight. They should both get the same reaction. Don't get sucked in by the tears they could be the manipulative kind.

Minout

 

[freakygirl]

Thank you for your input, Guy and Guru, and I agree, Guru, the world is very much like that. That's why I try to step back as much as possible.

Amelia, I'm glad you spoke up. Thank you. It's always interesting to hear the opinion of a teacher. I asked about how ET1 was behaving in school and was surprised to hear that she isn't a bully, doesn't take toys from other kids and gets along just fine.

ET2 does tend to be the victim, but I was assured they don't continue to foster it.

My mother is a twin (the younger of the two) and she is still the "victim" and my aunt is the "aggressor".

I don't think it ever goes away.

 

[Lancecastor]

My two are 17 months apart and I read a lot of books about chiuldhood development and parenting when they were young, as I was raised by wolves. Their mom is a highly educated early intervention reading specialist, which helped, as they have my brains and her good looks.

So, mine were taught at a young age to interact cooperatively without seeking parental intervention for every poke or sibling tease dance in front of the tv at the critical moment in Power Rangers or whatever.

Sticking to strict time routines for food and sleep early on also paid of in a huge fucking way later. Mine will now beg to go to bed at the cottage because it's after their bed time, which I find rewardingly perverse.

"Aw come on kids, can't you stay up just an hour longer???"

Fucking robots.

;-)

L

 

[cherrylips_au]

Ruby I too have twins as well as a third child so the dynamics can be very interesting to watch at times.

As they are still young yet to go to school I only step in if they seem to have lost what it is they are fighting over.


I'm also lucky as they don't tend to fight often anyway.


Matthew D my experience has been the complete opposite of yours as my twin1 is the quieter one with twin 2 being more dominant. I'm not sure how much the fact that twin 1 is a boy and twin 2 a girl plays on that but they have gone against the 'normal' twin 1 and twin 2 stereotypes basically from day one.

 

[Rubyfruit]

I agree Minout and frankly I'm more worried about how to foster ET2's defensive strategy. ET1 has wrestled her six-year old brother to the ground over a ball and won.

ET2 is incredibly sensitive. Telling her "no" in the most neutral voice imaginable will bring on tears. Tears that I've never played into. I'm tough with her, but she's very sensitive, probably always will be. I'm not sure what to do about it.

 

[Calamity Jane]

I let mine duke it out as much as possible. They get along pretty well, but when the older one is tired, all the little one has to do is look at her crosseyed and it's "MOOOOOOMMMMMMM SHE'S LOOKING AT ME AGAIN!!!!!" At which point, I lock them in their rooms.

 

[Minout]

Ruby,

have you ever read "Raising your Spirited Child" by someone who's name escapes me and I can't look on the cover cause my mother has it. It gives lots of great advice about how to deal with children who feel "more" than others. I have a very sensitive 4 year old daughter and the strategies offered have worked wonders.


Minout

 

[penguindance]

 

[Minout]

Just did a search it is written by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It's a bit like Rudolf Dreikurs' Children the Challenge. Give scenerios and then info on how to implement changes. It is a pretty fast read and works for adults too!


Minout

 

[Rubyfruit]

Matthew D my experience has been the complete opposite of yours as my twin1 is the quieter one with twin 2 being more dominant. I'm not sure how much the fact that twin 1 is a boy and twin 2 a girl plays on that but they have gone against the 'normal' twin 1 and twin 2 stereotypes basically from day one.

It has been my experience that kids are born with their basic personality traits in place.

 

[Rubyfruit]

Just did a search it is written by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It's a bit like Rudolf Dreikurs' Children the Challenge. Give scenerios and then info on how to implement changes. It is a pretty fast read and works for adults too!


Minout

Thank you for that research, Minout. I've actually done quite a bit of reading, including that one. My first born is autistic, and before we knew that, I read everything I could on parenting, because I thought I was dealing with a typical child and just didn't know how.

 

[Purrde Flower]

I have 4 kids. They are all about 2 yearas apart. My oldest isn't very agressive unless provoked (she is the only girl) My second is very agressive. Constantly provoking the other two. The youngest is only 1.

I used to get onto them a lot when they fought a lot. I think it caused them to fight more to see who would get into the most trouble. Now I just ask them when they come crying to me.. Are you bleeding? Broken? Need to go to the Emergency Room. Then play nice before you get hurt.

Seems to be working out well. there have been a lot less fights now that I quit showing an active intrest in it. Oh I still pay attention to it. But my oldest is 7 and I don't know for sure if she has figured out you can be intrested in something with out showing it.