I'm in an odd space

[perks]

My husband's mother just called. His grandmother is dying, her mom. She is married, has three sons all whom are married.

She and I have never been too close. We've been at odds on occasion. I'm not the type of person to let people walk over all over me for the sake of smooth familial relations. We're both made of the same stuff. I respect her.

She called me in tears. Understandably so, I mean, I don't know how I'm going to deal with losing my parents. It's difficult enough losing anyone, and I've dealt with lots of death.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that she told me I was the only one she could turn to. The only one she could cry on. She needed to be strong for the family, but she knew I could handle it, when she couldn't.

I just got off the phone with her. My heart hurts for her. I realize I love her very much, and I wish she didn't have to go through this. I'm just shocked about her trust. I really didn't think she liked me.

I have lots of questions for you all. How do you cope with shouldering grief? How do you support the supporter? I'm pretty scattered right now, maybe I'm just babbling. Thanks for listening anyway, or reading, that is.

 

[Juspar Emvan]

THer is a difference between respect and like. And respect is closer to love.

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[Black_Bird]

Perky...

... Just remember two things: Be her voice of comfort and reason, and listen. That's all you have to do. That's what she needs from you right now.

 

[Kitte]

That is such a difficult situation to be in, the best I think you can do is let her cry. Let her know that it is ok to not be strong all the time. Make sure that you have someone to lean on when it gets a little too much for you. Make sure that BOTH of you take time for yourselves to deal with your grief. Once the inital rush of grief is over it lingers, take advantage of this new found trust to help her find things to occupy herself as she works through this. Trite as it sounds, maybe a Spa day together. I know all the women of my family had one after my grandmother died. It gave us a chance to let go for a little bit and bond as women. Good Luck, and my deepest sympathies.

 

[Dillinger]

She opened up to you... and you realize that you care for her too...

Now you can be there for her.

Everyone needs someone to be strong for them, to support them. Especially those who have always been the strong ones. And, its even harder for them to admit it.

She respects you, she's turned to you for help. Now you will be strong for her.

 

[Guest]

 

[Mae13]

Oooh, it's hard to know how to comfort someone. I've done it often in my job, and have even taken classes on how to be a better 'bereavement counselor' and I still am not sure what to say to folks unless I get a good "feel" for them.

Sometimes the simplest thing to say can be the best, and that's "I'm sorry". I've always shied away from phrases like "It's God's will, etc..." but then most of my experiences have been with women losing their babies, which can be a bit different than losing someone who has had a long life.

I always enjoy focusing more on their life. Like in your case...she could be encouraged to talk about the strong things she had done in her life, the joys they had shared as your MIL was growing up, good memories, etc. Sometimes people get so caught up in the sorrow at the endgame that they forget what a long, beautiful ride the life has been. Sometimes they just need someone to help remind them of that.

I find being very honest in these situations is certainly the best. Grieving people are cannily adept at reading through BS lines from people that say things they don't really mean. Perhaps thank her for the honor she has given you in thinking of you as someone she might be able to share her grief with. Be up front, tell her you don't really know what to do, or maybe say, but that you are there to listen if/when she needs it. Sometimes helping with mundane things can be a great relief; they tend to focus on other things at the time. Even just a comforting home-cooked meal that they don't have to worry about preparing can be a special thing. Of course, I don't know if she lives close to you or not...so that might not be an option.

Being honest sometimes also means you have to know when to draw your own lines. When you have to pull back and keep some energy for yourself and your own family. There is balance, but it can sure be hard to find in situations like this. Know what you can give, and what you have to keep for yourself. Don't let your spirit get sucked dry because she needs support now. There is a way to spread it out.

Bleh, I will be quiet now. I don't know if that was helpful at all, now I feel as if I'm the one rambling.

*hugs* to you ducky
mae

 

[Starfish]

Somtimes moments like these reveal to us the most important things in life.

She doesn't even know it consciously, but the lack of closeness between you two is standing out to her in some way. Probably, in light of her own mother's mortality, she is seeing you as her daughter now, rather than the woman her son married. She may see that the love she has for her mother, can go be shared with you and depending on you a bit for this time of hardship is the very door that needs to be opened for that to happen.


I can't tell you how to do it, but remember...
Life is short, so love your family no matter what water has gone under the bridge.

 

[perks]

thank you all very much.

I appreciate your thoughtful words and support.

Do you find when you're dealing with one death it reminds you of the others?

Sorrow is so completely overwhelming.

 

[glamorilla]

It's hard.

She's lucky to have you. Just being able to give someone who's going through that a break and a friendly ear does a world of good to that persons frame of mind.

Kinda cool to find out she trusts you.

Spa days rule.

 

[seXieleXie]

i'll give you some advice perky, but what i'd really like to do is give you a big hug.

first of all, you need to allow yourself to greive, even if the greif is mostly over other people's deaths or just over the sorrow you are watching others experiance. don't push it aside, don't minimize it. it's important to take good care of yourself, especially when you're trying to take care of others.

spend time with people you love. that can help heal these wounds and ground you in the good things you have in life.

i'm sorry for your sorrow, perky.

 

[Laurel]

((hug)) Great advice here, perky. I don't have anything worthwhile to add, so I'll just say you and your family are in my thoughts.

 

[Sillyman]

I live for shouldering grief. I actually enjoy it in an odd way. I enjoy the closeness that it causes. I like to listen to people's sorrows and problems, help them out when I can, and commiserate when I can't.

I deal with death well. I haven't lost anyone real close to me yet, but I have lost several relatives who were very special to me who I wish I could have had greater contact with later on. I have strong coping mechanisms for this sort of thing so I find it easier to deal with people who need support.

I think you have a good thing hapening perky. Death is sad, but maybe a new relationship with your mother-in-law is on the horizon, and everyone can use friends. Take care.

 

[cherrylips_au]

Everyone's given really good advice.
To answer your second question about if someone's death brings back memories of others I feel that it does. In someways you actually regrieve for the others you have lost while grieving for the recent one.
Perky baby my thoughts are with you and your family at this time.

 

[perks]

I will try to take your advice. I think everything is converging at once and it's very difficult. I do think this is a good opportunity for my MIL and I to get closer. I am thankful for that.
It's just hard, you know. I'm not very good emotionally.

 

[Sillyman]

Emotions are screwy little things. You just have to deal with them as best you can.

 

[tulip2lipservice]

You are strong Perky!

Major hugs my friend. I understand what your mother in law is going through. Just hang tough Perky. You are a rock at times and a comfort. I dont think you realize how much you comfort others. My wishes to the family. Major huggles.

Peace,
Tulip

 

[tigerjen]

Perky,

The best thing I can say here is to be there for her,
esp. in a time of sadness. Stay strong, sweetie!



tigerjen

 

[BigDawg69]

Perkster, I am sorry to hear of your sorrow. It is hard for me to imagine you not bubbling over with contagious giggles and generous smiles. Your strength for her will come in your ability to listen and simply be there. There is really nothing you can say that will assuage the anguish of her bereavement. Let her cry, let her scream and be mad. Hold her and tell her it will be ok. She needs to breakdown and she needs someone to stand a watch her, hold her and not breakdown with her. That's what she needs you for. I know you well enough (I think) that you will be supremely good for her.

I send you tons of hugs and kisses, and you know if you need anything, I'm here for you my friend.

 

[cliper2]

Good advice here. I can relate. Being there to listen is the most important thing. The exact words you use to comfort her aren't as important as the act. Don't be afraid to gently pull out the good memories.

And don't forget this is a stressful time for you. Make sure you have someone you can talk to.

 

[perks]

And don't forget this is a stressful time for you. Make sure you have someone you can talk to.

that's the rub, isn't it.

I'm quite thankful for Lit.

 

[TWB]

Whatever your feelings about someone, grief is one of those human conditions that we can all relate to, and give support. Part of the human condition is also competition, and not being close to a mother in law is not all that strange, unfortunately. My mom has always competed with SO's, even when she liked them. Sometimes people don't talk about how they feel until pushed to the edge.


Someone gave me this today. He lost his mother recently and she left this for her children to read after she was gone:

Death is nothing at all. It does not count. I have only slipped awy into the next room. Nothing has happenned. Everything remains exactly as it was. I am I and you are you , and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by the old familiar name. Speak of me in the easy way which you always used. Laugh as we always laughted at the little jokes that we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the houselhold word that it always was. Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is absolute and unbroken continuity. What is death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner. All is well. "

Hope the thoughts help you while supporting your family, Perky.