IHC's Relationship Advice Thread

[GiggLeGasm]

Guys make sure you sit through at least one episode of Real Housewives of Cuntville and Dance Moms and 16 and pregnant. It allows you to bitch and moan about the crap she watches without her smarts as retorts of "you haven't even seen it"

hold on a minute - I've watched Duck Dynasty and at least 3 shows about antique-hunting garbage pickers! I think we're even.

 

[IhateClowns]

hold on a minute - I've watched Duck Dynasty and at least 3 shows about antique-hunting garbage pickers! I think we're even.

No no no. You are just a good egg. At least with Duck Dynasty you laugh from time to time. They are more relatable than a bunch of rich uptight twats who can't do anything better than stab each other in the back.

Antique finders is at least educational. you learn about history and the value of hard work and negotiating. Dance Moms teach really large women how to push their 8 year olds into becoming school shooters and bulimics. Women living vicariously through their kids as they eat twinkies and sip their diet cokes.

 

[IhateClowns]

When ever there is a mutual massage or masturbation planned between the two of you, always make sure you are first. The second person always gets the raw end of te deal. The last thing I want to do after getting a massage is turn around the favor. Fuck that massages are supposed to relax you an now you want me to work? Not happening.

 

[IhateClowns]

If she isn't willing to rub your back or massage your scalp don't even bother to ask her to lick your taint. It isn't happening.

 

[BlackCashmere]

Guys make sure you sit through at least one episode of Real Housewives of Cuntville and Dance Moms and 16 and pregnant. It allows you to bitch and moan about the crap she watches without her smarts as retorts of "you haven't even seen it"

OMG...lmao...

 

[Que]

When a woman holds your hand in public by interlacing her fingers in yours resembling a knuckle sandwich, don't fret fellas. Simply fake a sneeze and quickly un clasp the vice grip. Then move your hand back to hers holding it in a more comfortable position for yourself. She can't complain because she is too busy sincerely blessing your fake sneeze and you have Jedi mind tricked her because you still end up holding her hand in a way that allows blood to flow through your fingers.

That my friend, is genius.

I have a problem at times. I have a friend that I bump into at her work...we HAVE had a couple of disappointingly platonic outings away from her workplace.

She does that claiming move...she is always giving me her pack of smokes or her cellphone to hold when she has to do some business. How do I avoid that leash? (dont get me wrong if that leash was leading me anywhere I'd bark bark to heel...but we know it isnt, right?)

 

[IhateClowns]

That my friend, is genius.

I have a problem at times. I have a friend that I bump into at her work...we HAVE had a couple of disappointingly platonic outings away from her workplace.

She does that claiming move...she is always giving me her pack of smokes or her cellphone to hold when she has to do some business. How do I avoid that leash? (dont get me wrong if that leash was leading me anywhere I'd bark bark to heel...but we know it isnt, right?)

The leash is always tough to get off your neck when it is on there. Obviously she is marking her territory. Hell you might as well just lift her leg and pee on your calves. Have her listen to Katie Perry's "Roar". She needs to feel empowered enough to hold in to her own crap.

If that doesn't work but get a huge purse. Women put everything in those damn things. There is nothing better than standing next to the car in sub zero weather, watching your significant other rummage through her purse. It is just awesome.

If none if those work then tell her your arthritis is acting up from jerking off so much because she won't touch you. You just can't hold anything. If she rebukes that then while holding her smokes put them down somewhere and forget them. Lose her stuff more than once and she won't ask anymore.

 

[IhateClowns]

Ways you can tell if you are with a girl or a woman

A girl wants attention. A woman wants respect.

A girl thinks she is a princess and expects everyone to treat her like one. A woman has high and reasonable standards and expectations.

A girl throws temper tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants. A woman communicates her wants and desires with the understanding she doesn't always get what she wants.

 

[monoblanco]

New favorite thread!!!

Thank you "Oh Knowledgeable One" for bestowing your sage advice upon us...

I don't really need any specific advice, but feel free to expound on the subject of your choosing.

 

[IhateClowns]

Men, please realize that the words "I do" not only mean no blow jobs for the rest of our existence, but it also means we have to kill every spider seen from here on out a well.

 

[IhateClowns]

The KEY to any marriage or relationship where you live together is having separate bathroom sinks. They are a MUST HAVE. Your marriage or relationship will fail if you share a sink.

 

[IhateClowns]

Guys if you complain about not getting head very often if at all let me explain to you how to alleviate that situation.

The next time you and your woman get together, you take control and work your way down to her baby cannon. Once tere you give her the best oral sex she has wet had. I mean you eat that pussy like Jesus is next to you and it is the last supper. You bathe in that vagina. Even if you do t like to do it you make it a pint to give her the bat she ha ever had. Make her cum gallons. Scream over and over.

Then when things settle down and she is trying to process what just happened you jerk off as quickly as possible not giving her a chance to help you out. When she asks what just happened you explain that you wanted it to be about her. You wanted to make her feel as good as possible and that you wanted to jerk doff to feel the same. Say nothing more and get up and go some where else.

Leave her there alone with post orgasmic glow stewing in her own pussy slop trying to understand why jerking off feels better than anything she can do to you. Plus you made it all about her.

She will return the favor within te next few times you get down and dirty again.

 

[IhateClowns]

Want better communication in your relationship? Good then. You aren't the only one.

 

[tiny_tits]

When should a woman make the first move

 

[IhateClowns]

When should a woman make the first move

When she realizes that he isn't wearing a ring and doesn't have a discoloration where a ring should be. Guys like when women make the first move unless your are boiling a bunny on the stove. An aggressive confident is very sexy.

 

[IhateClowns]

It is a lot easier for two women to have sex in the shower than it is a heterosexual couple. Over 8million slip and fall accidents happen each year. This is the reason men think about two women together all the time. We are safety conscious.

 

[IhateClowns]

Terry Allen Lester of Waseca, Minnesota packed gun powder, BBs, and buck shot into vibrators which he planned to give to ex-girlfriends as gifts before detonating them.

The real concern here is what woman would accept a vibrator from an ex boyfriend?

 

[IhateClowns]

A man in Long Island wants the kidney he donated to his wife returned as part of their divorce settlement. There are a few problems with this idea: 1. Removing the kidney would kill her. 2. It’s a silly idea. 3. It would set a dangerous precedent in terms of bodily matter donation. What if a deflated mother wanted her breast milk back? What if any man could just demand his sperm back? (Yes, I went to the Elle Woods School Of Law.) Jerry Orbach would not approve.

So to summarize women will not only break your heart, but will steal your organs as well. Be careful men.

 

[hotternow]

Oh my freaking goodness!!!!! I'm laughing so hard...*snert

Thank you for a terrific thread!

 

[luvthedesserts]

It is a lot easier for two women to have sex in the shower than it is a heterosexual couple. Over 8million slip and fall accidents happen each year. This is the reason men think about two women together all the time. We are safety conscious.

^^^^ That right there is so true. I was circling the drain not so long ago from attempting a very delicate maneuver. I haven't showered since.

 

[IhateClowns]

Oh my freaking goodness!!!!! I'm laughing so hard...*snert

Thank you for a terrific thread!

Hopefully this is educational for you. A how to in keeping your relationship spicy and sassy.

 

[IhateClowns]

^^^^ That right there is so true. I was circling the drain not so long ago from attempting a very delicate maneuver. I haven't showered since.

You need to limber up and make sure the shower curtain is studded into the wall. I have my curtain anchored in the wall as well. It isn't because of shower sex tjough. It is for those massive shower curtain, leg straightening shits that come after a holiday meal.

Last thing I need is to be flinging a shower curtain off of me while escaping on coming backsplash. Then you have the tough decision of wiping first or putting the shower curtain back up before people come to check on you. My suggestion? Put the shower curtain back up and just hop in the shower to clean up. Just make sure you clean that luffa really well after.

 

[luvthedesserts]

You need to limber up and make sure the shower curtain is studded into the wall. I have my curtain anchored in the wall as well. It isn't because of shower sex tjough. It is for those massive shower curtain, leg straightening shits that come after a holiday meal.

Last thing I need is to be flinging a shower curtain off of me while escaping on coming backsplash. Then you have the tough decision of wiping first or putting the shower curtain back up before people come to check on you. My suggestion? Put the shower curtain back up and just hop in the shower to clean up. Just make sure you clean that luffa really well after.

See, I'm more inclined to think it's better for the shower curtain to be easily detachable so it can cover my carcass when a make the mistake and think I can be all sexy and properly clean the, Little Toaster Strudel, from behind. Did you know the ass crack makes a perfect channel for water to go straight to the lungs? There was a bright light and I saw all my relatives laughing at me. **shudders**

 

[IhateClowns]

See, I'm more inclined to think it's better for the shower curtain to be easily detachable so it can cover my carcass when a make the mistake and think I can be all sexy and properly clean the, Little Toaster Strudel, from behind. Did you know the ass crack makes a perfect channel for water to go straight to the lungs? There was a bright light and I saw all my relatives laughing at me. **shudders**

Invest in beach towels. They work better and produce less mildew. As for you parting of the red seas canal, I have never had to breathe directly out of my anus before. Will give it a shot next time I have a stopped up nose.

 

[IhateClowns]

Don't ever go to the mall with your wife or girlfriend. Even if she says she is going to Victoria's Secret. You will end up going to a bunch of other stores and even if you go to Victoria's Secret you end up fidgeting with a semi hard-on for the rest of the day. Not a lot of fun. Especially if you are wearing jeans.