Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Best Fishes

A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm.

“Do you make fish cakes?” he asked.

“Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger.

“Great,” said the man. “It’s his birthday.”

 

[DG Hear]

In Your Dreams

On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me 
a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”

“Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.

 

[StrangeLife]

I'm constipated.

No shit?

 

[DG Hear]

Two girls, one from Georgia, one from Connecticut, are going to be roommates in college in Virginia.

On move-in day, they are unpacking and settling in, when the southern belle asks "So where y'all from?"

The northern girl replies with a huff: "Well! I'm from Connecticut, where they teach us not to end a sentence with a preposition!"

The Georgian girl responds: "Oh, I apologize! Where y'all from, cunt?"

 

[Handley_Page]

A guy walks carefully into a Bar and declines the proffered seat.

"I needs a really good drink - like a whole ago; ye gods!"

"Sure," said the barman, "Bad day?"

"Yes; I had to go in for a routine prostate check-up and after the doc had left the room, this nurse rushes in and says something no man ever wants to hear:
"Who the hell was that ?"

 

[Handley_Page]

Did it hurt ...

... when you fell from the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down?

 

[Handley_Page]

New Word Definitions:


Smile - A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Dictionary - The only place where divorce comes before marriage.

College - A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.

Office - A place where you can relax after your strenuous homelife.

Yawn - The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Committee - Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Classic - A book which people praise, but do not read.

Marriage - It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master degree.

Experience - The name men give to their mistakes.

Tears - The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.

Atom Bomb - An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher - A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

 

[Handley_Page]

Proverbs - The Strange Version

1.. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

2. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

3. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

5. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

6. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

7. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

8. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

9. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

10. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

11. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

12. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

13. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never run out of material.

 

[Handley_Page]

Anyone tried this yet?

Beer Concentrate

 

[DG Hear]

A good one for all my veteran friends and others who might understand it.

Two 70 year old veterans sitting on a park bench talking.

Dwayne asked Lonnie. "Do you remember that stuff they used to put in our coffee during the war, to make us forget about women?"

Lonnie replied "I think you mean salt peter.”

Dwayne. "Yep, that's the stuff. I think it's beginning to work!"

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Noisy Cell Phone User

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly when the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

 

[BonBon1976]

*chuckle*

A Wisconsin senior citizen drove his brand new
Corvette convertible out of a Milwaukee dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-94 towards
Madison, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State
Patrol car behind him, blue and red lights flashing.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he tho ught, 'What am I doing? I'm too old
for this,' and pulled over to await the Trooper 's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to
the Corvette, looked at his watch and said,
'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is
Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding
that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago,
my wife ran off with a Wisconsin State Trooper.
I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied

 

[StrangeLife]

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly when the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."...

I'm so gonna try this for real someday....

 

[ga400us]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly when the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

Love it!

 

[SandraMustard]

I'm so gonna try this for real someday....

That ploy requires a somewhat questionable situation for the caller. It won't work if some exec is telling a coworker to finish some report. What works in just about any situation is to intently LISTEN and have facial reactions, maybe interject comments or ask, "So what did he say?" Invade their privacy, annoy THEM.

 

[DG Hear]

Why don't women blink during foreplay?

They don't have time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is the thinnest book in the world?

"What men know about women."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?

Lazy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you get your dishwasher to work?

Slap her!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A widow.

 

[Handley_Page]

Groan

CRIME WATCH:

A man was assaulted and mugged at LEGOLAND.

Police are putting the pieces together so they can build a case.

 

[Handley_Page]

The Making of a Baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?' She had turned white.

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

 

[SweetMaj]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?' She had turned white.

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

I love it!!!

 

[SandraMustard]

HP! I nearly wet myself.

 

[Handley_Page]

Two blokes:

"I heard you're planning on getting a new tattoo; what is it this time, then ?"

"Oh, my girlfriend's name - on my penis"

"Won't your wife have something to say about that?"

"I ain't worried. She'll never see it"

 

[Handley_Page]

Twinkle twinkle little hoe,
Name a guy you didn't blow.

 

[DG Hear]

Happy Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband,

"When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

 

[Handley_Page]

Why U cannot use yourt phone on a plane

This had me in stitches:

 

[Handley_Page]

"I'm so fuckin' wet; give it to me NOW"

She can scream all she wants; she ain't having the umbrella.