Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN...

~ Your potted plants stay alive.

~ 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

~ You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

~ You carry an umbrella.

~ You watch the Weather Channel.

~ Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

~ You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

~ Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

~ You're the one calling the police because those kids next door don't know
how to turn down the stereo.

~ You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

~ Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

~ You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

~ Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

~ You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 p.m.

~ Dinner and a movie: The *whole* date instead of the beginning of one.

~ MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.

~ You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

~ Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho's.

~ Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

 

[Handley_Page]

Quotes and Insults

A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!

I've only got one nerve left, and you're getting on it.

I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!

Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.

Make a mental note . . . oh, I see you're out of paper!

Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.

Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

Are you brain-dead?

Are your parents siblings?

 

[DG Hear]

What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years your job will still suck.

_________________

A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

________________

What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

About 45 pounds.

What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?

45 minutes.

 

[Handley_Page]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the other cell....

"I'm the groom."

 

[Handley_Page]

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change?
Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty?
Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says,
"Fluc you white people too"

 

[DG Hear]

That last one made me laugh HP.


Choking Procedure

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

 

[Handley_Page]

Two blokes, fishing.

"What are you expecting to catch with this new bait?"

"I'm hoping for a decent-sized Carp or maybe a Salmon."

"And what's the best thing you've ever caught?"

"Probably my twin daughters having Sex."

 

[DG Hear]

I've got a discharge...

A girl tells her Doctor: I've got a discharge.

Dr: Drop your knickers.
He fingers her & says how's it feel?

Girl: Very nice, but the discharge is in my ear.

 

[Saucyminx]

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only plastic wrap for shorts.

The shrink says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

and


A guy walks into a drug store and asks for deoderant.

"The ball type?" asks the clerk.

"No", the guy says "It's for my underarms."

 

[DG Hear]

Cute Saucy; Thanks for posting on the humore thread. Like seeing new posters.
DG

 

[BuckyDuckman]

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks, "Where can I find the talcum powder?"

Leading the way, the clerk says, "Walk this way."

"Young man, if I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder."

 

[Tio_Narratore]

A woman walks into a sex shop and asks to see the "personal vibrators."

The sexy clerk says, "Come this way," and begins walking seductively towards the dildo display.

"If I could come that way, young lady," the woman explains, "I wouldn't need a vibrator, would I?"

 

[DG Hear]

Lots of good newer entrants;
Thanks all, it's what makes the humor thread more interesting.
DG

 

[Handley_Page]

I'm going out with a muslim girl, but she's nothing like you would think.

She drinks like a fish and bangs like a shit house door in a gale!
Her phone has been off for a couple of days, so I rang her father last night
and he said she was getting stoned.

Now that's what I call one understanding and cool dad.

 

[Handley_Page]

In the comments on You Tube:

Probably the worst song for a prison guard to crank up on repeat the night before your execution.


The music was, fleetwood mac; don't stop thinking about tomorrow

Ouch

 

[DG Hear]

My kind of woman, haha

Two girls, one from Georgia, one from Connecticut, are going to be roommates in college in Virginia.

On move in day, they are unpacking and settling in, when the southern belle asks "So where y'all from?"

The northern girl replies with a huff: "Well! I'm from Connecticut, where they teach us not to end a sentence with a preposition!"

The Georgian girl responds: "Oh, I apologize! Where y'all from, cunt?"

 

[YoursSINSerely]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and

a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely

(she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what

brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

 

[YoursSINSerely]

My kind of woman, haha

Two girls, one from Georgia, one from Connecticut, are going to be roommates in college in Virginia.

On move in day, they are unpacking and settling in, when the southern belle asks "So where y'all from?"

The northern girl replies with a huff: "Well! I'm from Connecticut, where they teach us not to end a sentence with a preposition!"

The Georgian girl responds: "Oh, I apologize! Where y'all from, cunt?"

HEY! I know where I'm from.

 

[DG Hear]

HEY! I know where I'm from.

That was close to home wasn't it. LOL
Always good to hear from you.
DG

 

[CarlusMagnus]

HEY! I know where I'm from.

Yeah, but I know where I live!

 

[DG Hear]

What do you call a wife who knows where her husband lies down every night? - A widow!

____________

You can't buy love, but you most certainly can pay dearly for it.

____________

A man to his friend: "At my house I always say the last word".

His friend: "What is the word?"

The man: "I am sorry. Forgive me"

 

[Handley_Page]

Knock Knock

Whose there?

The Grammar Police.

Oh fuck.

 

[DG Hear]

Pregnancy Question

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's
office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...,"

to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on
her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

 

[CarlusMagnus]

Pregnancy Question

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's
office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...,"

to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on
her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Of course she can. She isn't in labor yet.

 

[Handley_Page]

Forgive me if this is a repeat. . .

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north after checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) ..

I inhale deeply and brace myself...RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. .. I am touching wax!!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and ... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.

'IT WORKS!!

It works!!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...?

THE HAIR IS STILL HERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......