Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

Said the first caveman to the second:

"Somethings just not right.
Our air is clean, our water pure, we get plenty of exercise, everything we eat is organic and free range, and yet
Nobody lives past thirty."

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Actually, HP, the type specimen for the Neanderthals was about 65 when he died. The specimen is known as "The Old Man of La-Chapelle-aux-Saints." Your dealing with the average age at death, very different than the maximum life span.

 

[DG Hear]

I received some senior Bumber Stickers. Hope you enjoy them.
DG

More to come later
DG

 

[DG Hear]

MORE BUMBER STICKERS:

That's half of them, more later. Oped they came through. Someone let me know before I send the rest.
DG

 

[Tio_Narratore]

All but one of them came up as "invalid attachment" for me, DG.

 

[DG Hear]

All but one of them came up as "invalid attachment" for me, DG.

I know why. It's the way things are set up. I'll repost them, the jpg. has to be at the bottom.
Thanks

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

O.K. DG, knock it off. You're getting way too close to home with this. (LOL)

Mike

 

[DG Hear]

O.K. DG, knock it off. You're getting way too close to home with this. (LOL)

Mike

Haha, 6 pics to go.

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

Haha, 6 pics to go.

OH, damn. OK, I'll skip them.

Not likely, I read this thread first thing in the AM to start my day off on the right foot.

My thank you to all the posters that have started my days off with a laugh.

MK

 

[DG Hear]

More bumper stickers.
DG

JustaSCOUNDREL, sorry you don't like them. All in fun.

 

[DG Hear]

Here's the last three
DG

That's all folks!

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

DG, I was just kidding you a little. I did read every one you posted and got a kick out of them all. Thank you.

Mike

 

[BonBon1976]

I received some senior Bumber Stickers. Hope you enjoy them.
DG

More to come later
DG

~~ In response to the speeding bumper sticker ~ My friend calls it CRAFT disease (Can't Remember A Fricken Thing) ...

 

[Handley_Page]

Strategic Responses to "Do I Look Fat?"

Strategic responses to the ever dangerous "Do I look Fat" question:

"No, not to Stevie Wonder."

"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."

"Does this tie make me look stupid?"

"No hablo ingles."

"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things kinda balance out."

"If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."

"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."

"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."

"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."

"No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."

"Whoa! A talking couch!!"

"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"

 

[Handley_Page]

Police Quotes:

"The idea that the police cannot ask questions of the person that knows most about the crime is an infamous decision." - Edwin Meese

"My ignorance of science is such that if anyone mentioned copper nitrate I should think he was talking about policemen's overtime." - Frederick Donald Coggan

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off." - Tommy Cooper

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk." - DC Mayor Marion Barry

"When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality." - Al Capone

"The police are not here to create disorder. The police are here to preserve disorder." - Mayor Richard Daley

 

[DG Hear]

Nasty joke

A man was sitting in the stands with his wife. Men kept coming up to her and fondling her breasts and putting their hands in her panties.

"Why do you put up with this?" asked a bystander.

"Because if i leave her at home everybody fucks her."

 

[Handley_Page]

Sad to read that the creator of classic party game Twister has died.

Top bloke and will always be remembered for giving me the chance to see my cousin's crack.

 

[Handley_Page]

"Well, an Wedding Anniversary. How long is it now?"

"16 years"

"And what's your secret?"

"Chemistry; I'm on Valium and he's on Viagra."

 

[DG Hear]

Why do farts stink?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.
-----------
Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they are worth it.
-------------
Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: About 45 Pounds.
Q: And between a husband and a boyfriend?
A: about 45 minutes.
------------
Pupil: Can sexual exhaustion be an excuse for not doing this weeks assignment?

Teacher: No, you'll just have to write with your other hand!

 

[Handley_Page]

A work colleague just said to me "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower, ya fat fuck"

"No, just your daughter's head" I replied.

 

[Handley_Page]

"I've been trying to convince my wife we should make a 'sex tape' "

"Well, that's not so strange or unusual these days. As conservative as we are, even my wife & I filmed our last lovemaking. Granted, it was on Betamax."
"

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Comedian Jeff Foxworthy was asked if he filmed the birth of his child. "We didn't film the birth, but I've got some great shots of her conception."

 

[DG Hear]

This hit me as funny.

Men As Toilets
Men are like toilets. Either they are taken or they are full of shit!!
-------------------------------
Deep Thoughts

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?

Is there another word for synonym?

 

[Handley_Page]

If you’ve ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!


Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”

The CEO said, “Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

From across the room a voice said, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

 

[DG Hear]

More Deep Thoughts:

A hungry termite walks into a pub and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry, we don???t serve food in here."

I read that most accidents in the home happen in the kitchen. So I moved the cooker to the bedroom.

If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the oposite of PROGRESS?

Love And War
Make love not war. Unless you want to do both. If so - get married.

All the thoughts for now.
DG