Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"

 

[DG Hear]

The teacher asked Little Johnny: "How can you prove the earth is round?"

Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."

 

[desertslave]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

 

[Handley_Page]

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again.

How to walk, how to talk, How to feed herself ...

...and How to not argue with me at the top of the stairs again.

 

[DG Hear]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

 

[Handley_Page]

Dan's digging in the garden, watched by Earl:

Earl: "What you planting?"
Dan: "The seeds of doubt."
Earl: "That's the worst joke I ever heard;"
he stopped, thought and then added:
"Or is it the best?"

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Dan's digging in the garden, watched by Earl:

Earl: "What you planting?"
Dan: "The seeds of doubt."
Earl: "That's the worst joke I ever heard;"
he stopped, thought and then added:
"Or is it the best?"

Oh no... let's not head in that direction, LOL!

Did you hear about the Zen Buddhist monk who became a hot dog vendor on the streets of New York?

For $3.00, he'll make you one with everything.

 

[LaRascasse]

A schizophrenic zen Buddhist is at two with the universe.

 

[OzDave]

Oh no... let's not head in that direction, LOL!

Did you hear about the Zen Buddhist monk who became a hot dog vendor on the streets of New York?

For $3.00, he'll make you one with everything.

Have a look at this aussie breakfast show host:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlIrI80og8c








.

 

[DG Hear]

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.

One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

 

[jehoram]

Did you hear about the Zen Buddhist monk who became a hot dog vendor on the streets of New York?

For $3.00, he'll make you one with everything.

But when you give him a $5.00 bill and ask for your change, he's likely to say "Change must come from within."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

But when you give him a $5.00 bill and ask for your change, he's likely to say "Change must come from within."

Good one!

A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.

 

[DG Hear]

BRAZILIAN OCTOPUSS ( RARE SIGHTING )

AM FORTUNATE TO HAVE A FRIEND THAT LIVES IN COPACABANA BEACH IN RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL.
HE WAS ABLE TO SEND ME A PICTURE OF THE VERY
RARE BRAZILIAN OCTOPUS TEMPLAMOSLO DURO MAN.
IT IS NOT ONLY RARE BUT IT IS THE LARGEST OCTOPUSS IN THE WATERS THAT BORDER SOUTH AMERICA.
IT IS ALSO A DELICACY.

I HOPE THAT YOU CAN APPRECIATE THE NATURAL BEAUTY OF THIS ANIMAL

 

[DG Hear]

Low Sperm Count

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

 

[Handley_Page]

More court humour

Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago.
From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:

What is your brother-in-law's name?
Borofkin.
What's his first name?
I can't remember.
He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
I refuse to answer that question.
Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
I refuse to answer that question.
Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
No.

Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?

Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

What is your name?
Ernestine McDowell.
And what is your marital status?
Fair.

Are you married?
No, I'm divorced.
And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A lot of things I didn't know about.

And who is this person you are speaking of?
My ex-widow said it.
How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
I will be three months November 8th.
Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
Yes.
What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
I should be.
How many times have you committed suicide?
Four times.

Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Were you acquainted with the deceased?
Yes, sir.
Before or after he died?

Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

What happened then?
He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Did he kill you?
No.

Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
No.
What was he doing with the dog's ears?
Picking them up in the air.
Where was the dog at this time?
Attached to the ears.

When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
Oral.
How old are you?
Oral.

What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
She is my daughter.
Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

...and what did he do then?
He came home, and next morning he was dead.
So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
It was covered?
Yes, bandaged.
Then, later on.. what did you see?
I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Could you see him from where you were standing?
I could see his head.
And where was his head?
Just above his shoulders.

What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and she did!

Do you drink when you're on duty?
I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
The victim lived.

Are you sexually active?
No, I just lie there.

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Yes, I have been since early childhood.

The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

What is the meaning of sperm being present?
It indicates intercourse.
Male sperm?
That is the only kind I know.

(Showing man picture.) That's you?
Yes, sir.
And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

 

[DG Hear]

Good stuff HP. LOL

 

[DG Hear]

How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

If it's the flu, you'll get better.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men want their brides to wear white?

Because they want their dishwasher to match their fridge and stove!

 

[Handley_Page]

Soccer:

If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes,
I'd take some of my single friends to the bar.

 

[DG Hear]

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures, mouthing "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE."

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the heck was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"

 

[glynndah]

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures, mouthing "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE."

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the heck was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"

My FIL, a warrant officer in the Army, and his aide's wife, a very boisterous six foot tall blonde, used to tell this story quite often. I say "tell", but it was more like act it out from opposite ends of the officer's club. Said more than once to my MIL by the FIL's commanding officers, "Can't you control your husband?". Her reply, "No, but you're more than welcome to try."

 

[Handley_Page]

A woman was in hospital.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica
in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my
dear, they're the sticker's off bananas"

 

[Handley_Page]

Bloody Computers !

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
________________________________________

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, but when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contract which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make old People mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

 

[ScouriesWorld]

okay I usually don't post on this thread even though I believe the good doc (a MANU winner) is doing a wonderful job as THREADMASTER but when our own members make inadvertent jokes (or are they?) I say why not share them?

Some comedy from two of our leading ladies commenting on the summer contest:

QUOTE tigergirl:

Which don't differ, as far as I can see, from last year's

QUOTE Laurel

- We will allow authors who have won in our monthly contests within the last 6 months to win in this special contest...

 

[TxRad]

What would be funny is for you to get bounced out of here like scouries last propaganda alt for spamming threads.

 

[Handley_Page]

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked,

"What kind of ammo 'ya got?"