Humor Thread

[BuckyDuckman]

An elderly husband and wife were watching a faith healer on TV. The faith healer turned to his TV audience and said, "If you promise to send me a fifty dollar donation, I will heal you. Just put one hand on top of the TV and the other hand on the part of your body that ails you."

The old woman had been having experience stomach pains for months upon months. Desperate, she put one hand on the TV and the other on her stomach.

The old man was having problems of a more intimate nature and placed one hand on the TV and the other on his groin.

That's when his wife looked at him and said, "He's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead!"

 

[Emily124]

http://www.trolino.com/image?id=20417

 

[DG Hear]

An oldie but goodie. I received it again today. This is mainly for the ladies.

The Washcloth

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologists later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'

Never going back to that doctor. Ever.

 

[Handley_Page]

Finding her young son scooping ice cream in the kitchen, a mother raged,
"Dinner is going to be ready soon. Put that ice cream away and go and play."

"But mum" wailed the child, "There's no one to play with."

"OK," said the mother wearily, "I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

"Lets play mummy and daddy. You go upstairs and lie on the bed."

So the mother went upstairs and lay on the bed.

The boy put on his father's fishing hat, lit up one of his cigars, went
upstairs and opened the bedroom door.

Seeing him standing there, the mother asked,"Now what do I do?"

The boy answered, "Get your ass out of bed you whore and fix that kid some
fucking ice cream!"

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Bobby and Susie are comparing body parts behind the schoolhouse when Bobby wiggles his boy parts and starts to sing, "I have something you don't have." Susie runs home in tears.

But the next day, when they are in the same situation and Bobby again displays his junk, Susie just shrugs. "I talked to my mommy and she said with what I have, I can get as many of those as I want!"

 

[Handley_Page]

The Balloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost.

She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost.. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my bloody fault."

 

[CarlusMagnus]

The Balloonist

"...You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

I hate to rain on your parade, but she must be talking to Jesus. That's somewhere out in the North Atlantic.

 

[OzDave]

I hate to rain on your parade, but she must be talking to Jesus. That's somewhere out in the North Atlantic.

Like that really matters in the context of the gag. Do pedants ever get jokes?

 

[Handley_Page]

I hate to rain on your parade, but she must be talking to Jesus. That's somewhere out in the North Atlantic.

OK. I'll get my brolly. . . .

 

[Handley_Page]

A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop.

The dad says ‘I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a
vanilla.’

He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: ‘What do you want,
fat-head?’

The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, ‘Why did you call him that?’

‘I'll tell you why,’ says the dad. ‘There's really only three things a man wants in life.

First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside?
That's mine.

Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in
town.

Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too
until fat-head here came along.’

 

[BuckyDuckman]

There was no way to know he was interrupting the Genie in the Bottle until the grouchy old bastard popped up and said, "Look, I have to grant you three wishes. But because I'm pissed, whatever you wish for, I'm going to give your worst enemy double of it."

The man finding the bottle nods and first requests, "...a beautiful, 100 room mansion on a pure, white sand beach; fulling loaded with every gizmo, gadget, and toy a man could ever want."

The genie nods and a moment later they are standing in the front yard of his beautiful 100 room mansion and life is good until the genie nods his head twice and right next door a beautiful 200 room mansion appears that's twice as beautiful as the man's new home and in the front yard stands his worst enemy.

Non-pulsed, the man makes his second request. "I want a beautiful woman in each one of those rooms waiting eagerly to cater to my every whim, desire, or fantasy, no matter how sick or twisted it might be."

The genie smiles, said he appreciated the man's imagination, and nodded. A moment later, a beautiful woman is hanging from every window, beckoning the man to come and join her. And life was good until the genie nods twice and the man's worst enemy now has two beautiful women hanging from every window, calling out to him.

Still non-pulsed, the man turns to the genie for his final wish. "And now, dear genie, I would like you to beat me half to death."

 

[Handley_Page]

There was no way to know he was interrupting the Genie in the Bottle until the grouchy old bastard popped up and said, "Look, I have to grant you three wishes. But because I'm pissed, whatever you wish for, I'm going to give your worst enemy double of it."

The man finding the bottle nods and first requests, "...a beautiful, 100 room mansion on a pure, white sand beach; fulling loaded with every gizmo, gadget, and toy a man could ever want."

The genie nods and a moment later they are standing in the front yard of his beautiful 100 room mansion and life is good until the genie nods his head twice and right next door a beautiful 200 room mansion appears that's twice as beautiful as the man's new home and in the front yard stands his worst enemy.

Non-pulsed, the man makes his second request. "I want a beautiful woman in each one of those rooms waiting eagerly to cater to my every whim, desire, or fantasy, no matter how sick or twisted it might be."

The genie smiles, said he appreciated the man's imagination, and nodded. A moment later, a beautiful woman is hanging from every window, beckoning the man to come and join her. And life was good until the genie nods twice and the man's worst enemy now has two beautiful women hanging from every window, calling out to him.

Still non-pulsed, the man turns to the genie for his final wish. "And now, dear genie, I would like you to beat me half to death."

I heard this one with a different ending:

"Now Genie, take half my sex drive"

 

[BuckyDuckman]

I heard this one with a different ending:

"Now Genie, take half my sex drive"

Good ending. probably would be better with that ending.

 

[DG Hear]

I failed the mandatory Health and Safety

course at the Senior Center today.


One of the questions was: "In the case of

a fire, what steps would you take?"



"Fuckin' big ones" was

apparently the wrong

answer.

 

[Handley_Page]

I was watching TV when my girlfriend said, "I heard you wanking last night."

"Oh come on," I said, "Don't you ever, you know...?"

"Ever what?" she replied.

"You know..." I said, "Don't you ever, you know...?"

"Come on, say it. Don't I ever what?" she replied.

I said, "Don't you ever shut up?"

 

[BuckyDuckman]

An old man and old woman are sharing the Sunday newspaper when the old woman rolls up her <i>Parade</i> magazine and swats her husband of nearly 50 years across the head. "Hey, what was that for?" the old man cried out.

"For nearly 50 years of BAD sex!" said the angry woman.

A few minutes later, the old man rolls up the sports section he had been reading and swats his wife on the back of the head. "Hey! What was that for?" she cried out.

"For ever knowing the difference," said the old man.

 

[Handley_Page]

Two Columbia Yuppies, neighbors for years, were constantly trying to "out-status" each other.

The first man mentioned that his daughter had just been accepted at Vassar.

"That's nice," replied the other, "but the main thing the girls really learn there is fornication."

The first man became irate and said, "I'll have you know my wife attended Vassar!"

The neighbor smiled and said, "Take it from me, she could use a refresher course."

 

[Handley_Page]

Strange Hospital Chart Notations

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the aediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his air-plane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.

Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

 

[DG Hear]

Obituaries

You’d die of embarrassment if these phrases appeared in your obituary:

“She leaves behind a brother and 117 cats.”

“Passed away in a failed stunt that has already been viewed more than 40 million times on YouTube.”

“Was always quick to point out others’ grammatical errors.”

“Survived by his parents and his animatronic wife, Elizabot.”


Beauty of the Beholder

An elderly patient paid me a wonderful compliment. "You’re beautiful," she said. I must have looked skeptical because she was quick to assure me that she was sincere. "It’s just that I rarely hear flattering comments about my looks," I explained.

She smiled understandingly. "That’s because you’re fat. But it doesn’t mean you aren’t pretty."

 

[Handley_Page]

Ouch !

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly ...

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

 

[DG Hear]

Menu Options

A customer pulled up to my drive-through window at the fast-food restaurant where I work and requested something from the lunch menu.

"I’m sorry, but it’s 10:15," I told her. "We’re only serving breakfast now."

After thinking it over, she asked, "Do you have anything on your breakfast menu that tastes like lunch?"


A Little Too Literal

If you’re interested in becoming a lawyer, you’ll need a degree. But as these court transcripts reveal, the question is, in what?

Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Attorney: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Witness: "Guess."

Attorney: "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight."

 

[CarlusMagnus]

Elmer, an 87-year-old widower, lived in an assisted-living facility. One of his closest friends there was Roberta, who was an 85-year-old widow.

Late one afternoon, Elmer and Roberta were sitting on a bench in an infrequently visited part of the park that adjoined their facility. They got to reminiscing about their younger days and the lives they had shared with their late spouses.

"What do you miss most about being married?" Roberta asked.

"Sex, to tell you the truth," replied Elmer.

"Why, you old fart!" said Roberta. "At your age, you couldn't get it up with an erector set."

"I know," he answered. "But I still miss it."

They sat there in silence for a few minutes, each lost in memories of days gone by.

"Roberta," he said at length, "could you do something for me?"

"What's that?" she asked.

"Could you...ummm... Could you...uhhh..." Elmer, clearly embarrassed, was having some trouble getting his request out. He steeled himself, and blurted out, "Could you just hold my... my... my manhood for a little while."

Robert was shocked. "I can't believe you asked me to do such a thing, you dirty old man," she said, giving every appearance of being annoyed with him.

They sat there for a while, silently.

And then Roberta, feeling some inner stirring herself, said, softly, "Yes, Elmer. I'd be happy to do that for you."

They looked around them. No one was in sight. Elmer unzipped, and Roberta took his manhood out of his trousers. They sat there silently again, Roberta now holding Elmer's manhood. After 15 or 20 minutes, Elmer said, "Thank you. That felt very good." She removed her hand, he zipped up, and they went to dinner.

The next day found them sitting on the same bench at the same time, and Roberta again held Elmer's manhood.

It became a part of their daily routine; every day they sat on that park bench before dinner and Roberta held Elmer's manhood.

And then, one morning, Roberta went for a walk by herself in the park. From a distance, she saw Elmer sitting on "their" park bench with Charlotte---an 82-year-old widow who also lived in the same facility. As she got closer, she saw that Charlotte was holding Elmer's manhood.

Furious, she stomped up to the two of them. "You old son of a bitch!" she said to Elmer. "What's she got that I don't have?"

Elmer looked up at her and, smiling, said, "Parkinson's disease."

 

[Saucyminx]

CM you just caused a scene in the waiting room at the pep boys. I burst out laughing and now everyone is looking at me like i'm a weirdo--which I guess I am.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Three elderly priests are sitting on a park bench one afternoon and decide between the three of them to confess their biggest sins against the church. The man who makes the suggestion volunteers to go first.

"Brothers, I'm an alcoholic. I've even been known to get drunk on the sacrificial wine."

His two brother priests remind him of all the good work he's done, re-assure him and the second priest gives his ad-hoc confession.

"Brothers, I'm have a gambling problem. I've even taken from the collection plate to fund my gambling problem."

His two brother priests remind him of all the good work he's done, re-assure him, and all eyes turn to the third priest who sits quietly for a long, long time before confessing,

"Brothers, I don't know how to say this, but I'm an incessant gossip who just can't keep a damn secret to himself."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

A priest, a Baptist Reverend, and a Rabbi learn they are each avid fishermen and learn they enjoy fishing the same local lake every Monday morning. The Reverend says he has a nice, flat bottom boat that will float the three of them and suggests they meet together the next Monday to spend the morning together.

Once out on the lake, a few hundred feet from shore, the Reverend announces, "Sorry guys, but I forgot the cooler of Cokes I brought in my car." Standing up, he steps over the side of the boat and walks across the water to shore, to his care, and then back across the water, to the boat with his cooler.

The priest stands up and announces, "I'm sorry. I forgot that I brought some sandwiches for us. I'll go get them." Like his fellow Christian, the priest stands up, steps out of the boat, and walks across the water to fetch the sandwiches.

Not to be outdone, the Rabbi announces, "I brought some sunscreen. I'll be right back." He stands, steps over the side of the boat and sinks down to the bottom of the lake.

The Reverend looks to the priest and asks, "Think we should have told him about the rock shelf?"