Humor Thread

[Edward Teach]

This supposedly won a first place in the annual Liars Contest.

I was plowing the Popcorn field with my mule when it got so hot the corn popped. With all the white on the ground and flying through the air, my mule thought it was snowing and froze to death.

 

[DG Hear]

Overconfidence

My sister Angela was impressed by a job applicant’s confidence. "How will you gain your coworkers’ respect?" she asked. The reply: "Mainly through my misdemeanor."


Plastic Surgery

After my ten-year-old daughter declared her disgust with cosmetic surgery, I dropped a bomb on her. "Don’t be too quick to judge," I told her. "Before college, I had a nose job."

She was completely thrown. "You mean," she said, "it was bigger?"

 

[Handley_Page]

A road crew supervisor Mick hired Paddy to assist with painting the white line down the middle of the road. He was sceptical about hiring him, but he appeared enthusiastic and told him that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lena told him so.

Mick explained to Paddy that his work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on the road, and he was set up with brushes and paint and got him started.

After the first day, Mick was pleased to find that he did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift. He told him that he did an excellent job and how pleased he was with his progress.

On the second day, Paddy completed painting 2 miles of road. Mick was surprised that on day one, he had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that he would pick up his speed again.

On day 3, Mick was shocked to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Paddy only completed painting 1 mile of road. He was called to the supervisor's office and asked what the problem was.

"On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. Can I ask you, what is the problem?"

"Well," Paddy replied, "I’ll tell you what, but I thought you would know. Every day I was getting further and further away from the paint can.”

 

[Handley_Page]

It's not often one reads the reviews; it's even less often they are believed.
However, these reviews (of a "Men's Grooming" product available from Amazon) have both the ring of truth and a really good belly laugh.

 

[phantom4533]

A young Native American Indian boy named Running Deer was approaching manhood and decided that he wanted to lose his virginity, so he approached the chief of his tribe and told him:
“Chief Sitting Bull, me want squaw for first time.”

The chief replied, “If you wantum squaw you need to practice poking pussy. You go’um to edge of reservation and you find totem pole. At top of totem pole you find knothole. You practice poking knothole there ‘till next full moon. Then you come back to me and we fix you up with squaw”
After practicing almost a month, and the moon was full once again, Running Dear approached the chief and said:

“Chief Sitting Bull, I have done what you said. I want squaw tonight!”
So the chief arranged for a young and beautiful squaw to be the one to take Running Deer’s virginity. He told the young Indian boy to go to a certain teepee that night when the moon was highest in the sky and a squaw would be waiting for him to enjoy.

That evening, when the moon was at its highest point, Running Deer finds the teepee, pulls open the flap, and finds a stunning squaw for him to take for his first woman.
Suddenly the squaw is screaming, and the chief, along with other braves, rush to the teepee and go inside, only to discover the squaw on her back, naked, and Running Deer poking her pussy with a long stick.

“Running Deer, what you do to squaw? This not how you take her for first time!!, he shouted.

And Running Deer replied, “Me checking for bees!!”

 

[DG Hear]

A Friendly Sale

I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $30 apiece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for me.

"Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?"

"Try for more, but I will accept $15," I said, and left.

When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly.

"Fifteen dollars each."

"Who bought them?"

"I did!"


Menu Options

A customer pulled up to my drive-through window at the fast-food restaurant where I work and requested something from the lunch menu.

"I’m sorry, but it’s 10:15," I told her. "We’re only serving breakfast now."

After thinking it over, she asked, "Do you have anything on your breakfast menu that tastes like lunch?"

 

[mynameisben]

Herman Cain, Sarah Palin, and a duck walk into a bar. Palin says to the bartender, "I'll have a Sex on the Beach and a Screaming Orgasm."

Cain cocks an eye at her and then orders next. "I'll have a Dirty White Mother with a Salty Dog chaser and a Black on Tan."

Finally, the bartender looks down at the duck and says, "Well...what do you want?"

The duck rolls his eyes and says, "I'm driving. Just put it on my bill."

 

[Handley_Page]

He was sat quietly at the table when she rushed in: "My gynaecologist tell me No Sex for three weeks"
He looked up, thought for a moment and replied "And what did your Dentist say?"

 

[CarlusMagnus]

He was sat quietly at the table when she rushed in: "My gynaecologist tell me No Sex for three weeks"
He looked up, thought for a moment and replied "And what did you Dentist say?"

And what about your proctologist?

 

[DG Hear]

Birds and Bees

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

 

[DG Hear]

Dead Pussy

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

 

[DG Hear]

What Is Butt Dust??

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? Read on and you will discover the joy in it!
These have to be original and genuine. No adult is THIS creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... After
a while he asked:

'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain
to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it
was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with
wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give
me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough..'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple who were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled
woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'


This particular Sunday sermon ended with ... 'Dear Lord,' the minister
began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...'

He would have continued, but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening intently, leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

 

[DG Hear]

Just received this

Mathematics:

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work andKnowledge will get you close, and Attitudewill get you there.
Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

 

[mynameisben]

Mathematics:

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work andKnowledge will get you close, and Attitudewill get you there.
Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

This joke does not stand up to mathematical scrutiny. First of all, the switch from minus signs to plus signs is without reason. Therefore

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% is incorrect.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
= 1-19-19-11-9-19-19-9-14-7 = -117 is consistent with the joke's original premise. If this result is given as a percentage, then ASSKISSING would correctly evaluate to -11700%

However, the convention in mathematics is to MULTIPLY adjacent variables and constants, not to add or subtract them. Therefore, ASSKISSING should never have been expressed as A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G in the first place. The mathematically correct way to evaluate ASSKISSING should be as follows:

ASSKISSING
= A x S x S x K x I x S x S x I x N x G
= 1 x 19 x 19 x 11 x 9 x 19 x 19 x 9 x 14 x 7 = 11379369078
= 1137936907800 %

And HARDWORK, KNOWLEDGE, ATTITUDE and BULLSHIT should be calculated in the same fashion.

HARDWORK
= 8 x 1 x 18 x 4 x 23 x 15 x 18 x 11 = 39346560
= 3934656000 %

KNOWLEDGE
= 11 x 14 x 15 x 23 x 12 x 5 x 4 x 7 x 5
= 44629200000 %

ATTITUDE
= 1 x 20 x 20 x 9 x 20 x 21 x 4 x 5
= 30240000
= 3024000000 %

BULLSHIT
= 2 x 21 x 12 x 12 x 19 x 8 x 9 x 20
= 165473289
= 16547328000 %

The five skills evaluated above can now be compared and listed in order, from greatest value to least:

ASSKISSING
1137936907800 %
KNOWLEDGE
44629200000 %
BULLSHIT
16547328000 %
HARDWORK
3934656000 %
ATTITUDE
3024000000 %

With rigorous mathematical analysis we find, once again, that ASSKISSING reigns supreme, but by a much greater margin than previously thought. BULLSHIT is still a valuable skill, but it is surpassed by KNOWLEDGE. HARDWORK and ATTITUDE bring up the rear. It should be noted, however, that all five skills evaluate to values far, far greater than 100%, a fact which renders the original joke moot.

But all is not lost. This joke can be salvaged in both spirit and mathematical precision with the following fix to the constants initialization vector. That is, simply make the following changes to the joke's premise (highlighted in blue):

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
-1% x (-1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26)


and all the original calculations work out to their original computed values. These changes also correct the sloppy mathematics that I'm shocked your two teachers with over 70 years of combined experience let slide.

With the corrections in place, I was able to look back over your math joke and LMAO!

Good one.

 

[Handley_Page]

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:


A wife asks her husband,

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,
And if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

 

[DG Hear]

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:


A wife asks her husband,

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,
And if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

I love it! That was funny and probably true.

 

[OzDave]

This joke does not stand up to mathematical scrutiny. First of all, the switch from minus signs to plus signs is without reason. Therefore

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% is incorrect.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
= 1-19-19-11-9-19-19-9-14-7 = -117 is consistent with the joke's original premise. If this result is given as a percentage, then ASSKISSING would correctly evaluate to -11700%

However, the convention in mathematics is to MULTIPLY adjacent variables and constants, not to add or subtract them. Therefore, ASSKISSING should never have been expressed as A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G in the first place. The mathematically correct way to evaluate ASSKISSING should be as follows:

ASSKISSING
= A x S x S x K x I x S x S x I x N x G
= 1 x 19 x 19 x 11 x 9 x 19 x 19 x 9 x 14 x 7 = 11379369078
= 1137936907800 %

And HARDWORK, KNOWLEDGE, ATTITUDE and BULLSHIT should be calculated in the same fashion.

HARDWORK
= 8 x 1 x 18 x 4 x 23 x 15 x 18 x 11 = 39346560
= 3934656000 %

KNOWLEDGE
= 11 x 14 x 15 x 23 x 12 x 5 x 4 x 7 x 5
= 44629200000 %

ATTITUDE
= 1 x 20 x 20 x 9 x 20 x 21 x 4 x 5
= 30240000
= 3024000000 %

BULLSHIT
= 2 x 21 x 12 x 12 x 19 x 8 x 9 x 20
= 165473289
= 16547328000 %

The five skills evaluated above can now be compared and listed in order, from greatest value to least:

ASSKISSING
1137936907800 %
KNOWLEDGE
44629200000 %
BULLSHIT
16547328000 %
HARDWORK
3934656000 %
ATTITUDE
3024000000 %

With rigorous mathematical analysis we find, once again, that ASSKISSING reigns supreme, but by a much greater margin than previously thought. BULLSHIT is still a valuable skill, but it is surpassed by KNOWLEDGE. HARDWORK and ATTITUDE bring up the rear. It should be noted, however, that all five skills evaluate to values far, far greater than 100%, a fact which renders the original joke moot.

But all is not lost. This joke can be salvaged in both spirit and mathematical precision with the following fix to the constants initialization vector. That is, simply make the following changes to the joke's premise (highlighted in blue):

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
-1% x (-1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26)


and all the original calculations work out to their original computed values. These changes also correct the sloppy mathematics that I'm shocked your two teachers with over 70 years of combined experience let slide.

With the corrections in place, I was able to look back over your math joke and LMAO!

Good one.

You just killed the humour.

 

[Handley_Page]

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the
following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol
containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell Happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering When you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
Retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over And over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers Are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the
morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
Converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
Tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
Laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting
your Ass kicked.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel Gode.

 

[Handley_Page]

The Minister addressed the Congregation:-
"Then God created Woman
And He saw that it was good.
And H promised men that good, obedient and faithful wives would be found in all corners of the world. . . . . ."
There was an interruption from the back
"And then He smiled; and made the Earth round. . "

 

[YoursSINSerely]

Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did
to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf,
it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

 

[sans_sheriff]

Two guys walk into a bar. The first one turns to the other one and says, "What, you didn't see it either?"

/drops mic

 

[DirtyDoc]

A guy is walking down the sidewalk and hears a voice whisper in his ear, Kill your boss! He pauses, looks around, sees that he's alone on the street, shrugs and keeps walking.

A few steps later the voice whispers again. Kill your boss! He stops, looks around nervously, then keeps moving.

A few more steps. Kill your boss! The guy stops, asks "Frank? Is that you?" Nobody answers, and after a few moments he continues walking.

A few more steps. Kill your boss!

The guy stops, and in confusion blurts "But I'm self employed!"

Isn't this Peter?

"No, my name is Sam!"

Oh, sorry! My mistake.

<<The joke has now come to a complete stop. You may now comence retching. >>

 

[Handley_Page]

A MOTHER'S DICTIONARY


AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am also.

DEFENCE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.

DUMB-WAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

 

[DG Hear]

A Farmer's Logic

You know there are so many TV channels,

each one starved for new programs.

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter

seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease,

arranged for an interview with a farmer who

might have some theories on the matter.

The interview went as follows:

The lady reporter:

I am here to collect information on the

possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.

Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed):

Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the

relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?

Farmer:

Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?

Reporter:

Sir, this is really valuable information,

but what about getting to the point?

Farmer:

I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine,

if I was playing with your tits twice a day ....

and only screwing you once a year,

wouldn't you get mad?

THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED ...

 

[DG Hear]

Just Following Directions

My wife is a by-the-recipe baker. But that attention to detail still hasn’t made her chocolate chip cookies taste any better. One day, after the cookies had been in the oven a while, I smelled a familiar odor. "They’re burning," I shouted.

"I know," she said nonchalantly.

"Aren’t you going to take them out?"

"No. They still have six minutes."


Exercise Route

My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. He set it up in the basement but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom. It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room.

Weeks later I asked how it was going. "I was right," he said. "I do get more exercise now. Every time I close the drapes, I have to walk around the machine."