Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."

"That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start?"

 

[TxRad]

The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a
prostitute wanted for her services came to light. She wanted $800.00. The
Secret Service Agent offered $30.00. How ironic is it that the only person
in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired

 

[phantom4533]

The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a
prostitute wanted for her services came to light. She wanted $800.00. The
Secret Service Agent offered $30.00. How ironic is it that the only person
in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired

That's funny but, sadly, true.

 

[Handley_Page]

Two friends meet up in heaven:

Sylvia: Hi! Wanda.

Wanda: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

Sylvia: I froze to death.

Wanda: How horrible!

Sylvia: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to
get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

Wanda: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was
cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

Sylvia: So, what happened?

Wanda: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

Sylvia: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer; we'd both still be alive.

 

[DG Hear]

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs so he couldn't get back in.


40th Anniversary

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' '

 

[DG Hear]

Newly wed couple

this newly wed couple were on there honeymoon and where about to have sex:

wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.

husband: we're married now, u can tell me anything.

wife: i'm flat chested.

husband: i don't believe u..prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.

husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.

wife: we're married now u can tell me anything.

husband: im "weighed like a baby".

wife: i don't believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.

wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!

husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!

 

[DG Hear]

Knickerless

Joe is sitting on a train across from a
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

 

[DG Hear]

Proper Pronunciation

I bought a pint of Häagen-Dazs ice cream at the supermarket. As the cashier rang it up, I asked, “How do you pronounce that?” Speaking slowly and distinctly, he said, “Four dollars and seventy-nine cents.”


Special Pie

I was looking at the pies offered by a nearby café. They had cherry, apple, berry, peach, and Herman’s.

"What type of pie is Herman’s?" I asked the waiter.

"Apple," he said.

"Then why is it called Herman’s pie?"

"Because Herman called in to reserve it."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

The Golf Game

Two buddies were stuck on the course behind two women who were playing slowly. "Hey, I'm going to ask them if we can play through," said the first buddy, jogging down the fairway. He gets about halfway, turns, and jogs back to tell his friend, "Dude, I can't ask those women if we can play through. That's my wife and she's playing golf with my mistress!"

"I got it," says the buddy, making his own jog down the fairway. Like his friend, he gets halfway to his goal, stops, turns around and runs back. "Hey man, small world, you know?"

 

[BuckyDuckman]

The Flying Lesson

A man staggers into the bar, stumbles, catches himself, uses the bar for support and manages to take a stool before ordering six straight shots of liquor.

"Sorry sir, but I can't serve you if you're drunk," the bartender tells him.

"Not drunk," the man assures him. "I just finished my first flying lesson and I'm a little shook up."

Convinced, the bartender pours him the drinks and asks what happened.

"I signed up for a free flight lesson. This guy takes me up to about 10,000 feet when he engages the auto-pilot. Then he tells me how he's a black belt in three different forms of martial arts, a former champion wrestler, and an ex-golden gloves boxer. Then he tells me he's also a homosexual and I had two choices. I could either let him have his way with me or I could jump."

"Oh man, and you jumped?"

"Well sure, a little, at first."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Who Likes Pussy?

A man walks into a bar and orders six straight shots of the hard stuff. Sensing the guy has problems, the bartender asks what's up. "I just found out my oldest son is gay."

"Oh man, that sucks. Here, have a seventh shot on me." The bartender pours the extra drink.

A week later, the same man walks into the same bar with the same drink order. "Still pissed about your oldest son?" asks the bartender.

The man shakes his head, looking even sadder than before, and announces, "I just found out my youngest son is gay, too."

"Oh man, that sucks. Here, have a seventh shot on me." The bartender pours the extra drink.

Another week passes, the same man, the same bar, and the same drink order. "Dude, doesn't anyone in your family like pussy?" asks the bartender.

"Yes, my daughter!"

 

[phantom4533]

Too funny!!

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop,

"You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. 'I said: 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "Best come-back line ever."

 

[OzDave]

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop,

"You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. 'I said: 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "Best come-back line ever."

So he had been making out with a carriage?

 

[Hubs_in_hose]

(this joke is better told than read)
Q: What do you get when you cross a Leprechaun and a Nymphomaniac?
A: A lucky little fucker about two foot tall.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

(this joke is better told than read)
Q: What do you get when you cross a Leprechaun and a Nymphomaniac?
A: A lucky little fucker about two foot tall.

Alternative version:

Q: What do you get when you cross a Smurf with a prostitute?
A: A little blue fucker about THIIIISSSS big!

 

[DG Hear]

THE POSITIIVE SIDE OF LIFE:

How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.


Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.


Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.


Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?


Most of us go to our grave
with our music still inside of us.


If KMart is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?



You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.


Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.


Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.


We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colours....but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.


A truly happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.


Have an awesome day, and
know that someone
who thinks you're great
has thought about you today!.

 

[Handley_Page]

A man took his wife to the zoo, as they walked past the gorilla cage they noticed the gorilla had a hard-on while looking at his wife.

So the husband said to his wife "Lift up your skirt an show him your thong an' tease him a little"

She does and the gorilla goes mental.

"Now get your tits out" the husband says, when she does the gorilla goes fucking berserk.

The husband opens the cage and pushes his wife in and yells "Now tell him you've got a fucking headache."

 

[Handley_Page]

Reply to "Does She?" question:

"I would not describe her a s a slut, but rumour has it that her vagina has had more use than Google"

 

[DG Hear]

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

The Prince needed an heir, and for that, he needed a bride. As the most eligible bachelor in the kingdom, he decided he should marry a virgin. When he told his buddies he wanted to marry a virgin, they started laughing at him. "In this day and age? Good luck finding one!"

"Don't worry about me, I have a plan," the Prince assured them. "The perfect plan."

And so the Prince began taking the women he found most attractive and interesting out on dates, looking for "the one." Following his plan, at some point during the date, he would expose himself to the woman, point to his junk, and ask, "What is this?"

He heard it called all the usual words,
"Your royal dick."
"Your royal prick."
"Your royal cock."
"Your royal manhood."
Until finally, one woman smiled shyly, averted her gaze, and said, "Why that would be your royal penis, correct?"

The Prince was thrilled, convinced only the most innocent of a woman would refer to his man-meat as his penis. He wooed her, won her hand, and married her.

On their wedding night, his wife laid in their marriage bed, waited nervously for him. As he entered the chamber, he smiled at her. "Darling, would you like to know why I married you?"

"Why yes, dear Prince, you had your choice of so many fine women. Why did you pick me?"

Disrobing, he exposed his excited royal member to her, "Because you callled this a penis."

"Why, whatever else would I call it, dear?"

He smiled at her innocence. "Well, you could have called it my cock."

"Oh no dear, I would never do that. A cock is much bigger and usually black."

 

[Handley_Page]

My ex-wife could manipulate the muscles of her vagina so it felt like you were getting a blow job.

Pretty funny when you think about it because when she manipulated the muscles of her mouth she sounded like a c##t.

 

[Handley_Page]

A man took his wife to the zoo, as they walked past the gorrilla cage they noticed the gorrilla had a hard-on while looking at his wife.

So the husband said to his wife "Lift up your skirt an show him your thong and tease him a little"

She does and the gorrilla goes mental.

"Now get your titts out" the husband says, when she does the gorilla goes berserk.

The husband opens the cage and pushes his wife in and yells "Now tell him you've got a headache."

 

[JackLuis]

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-S8-JgXz0uKU/T7W7IZ20NBI/AAAAAAAAEN4/cV3QR5sfDPg/s1600/RandianJesus1.jpg

It's an acquired taste, I guess.

 

[DG Hear]

Prayer for Grandpa
This is just too beautiful not to share.

Dear God, please send clothes
for all those poor ladies on
Grandpa's computer.
Amen.

 

[Handley_Page]

An man saw teenage daughter in the local red light district tonight and was in shock.

"You're absolutely fucking degrading yourself! There's other ways of making money," she shouted at him.