Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Hearing Loss

I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.

"Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t."


Right Answer

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”

“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”

“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”

“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”

 

[CarlusMagnus]

BOB & THE BLONDE


Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

 

[BuckyDuckman]

The Old Guys

Three old guys were sharing a park bench and complaining about the ravages of their advanced years.

"I'm so constipated all the time," complained the first elderly gentleman. "I'd give anything to take a healthy crap."

"Tell me about it," the second old man said. "My prostrate is swelled up so big, I haven't taken a decent leak in years."

The third old man shook his head and said, "I don't have either one of those problems. Every morning, like clockwork, I take a healthy crap at exactly 7 a.m. And every morning, like clockwork, I take a healthy pee at exactly 7:15 a.m. I just wish I could wake up before 7:30 a.m."

 

[Handley_Page]

Eight Words With Two Meanings


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) ad
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all available channels every 5 minutes.

 

[fuckwaffle]

Don't know if you've heard this one...

There was a flood just recently and news choppers broadcast pictures of an old man atop his house as the flood waters raged around him. A rescue boat motored up to the house and the men in the boat tried to coax the man down.

"No, that's okay, go rescue someone else, god will save me," the old man told them.

The rescue boat left to rescue others. A short while later another boat came to the house. The rescue workers tried to get the old man in the boat to no avail.

"That's okay gentlemen, god will rescue me from my dilemma," the old man replied and the boat sped away.

Soon the inevitable happened and the house was swept away and the man died.

As the old man stood at the pearly gates, he beseeches god. "Oh lord why did you abandon me in my time of need?"

"My son, I did not. I sent two boats to save you."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

A salesman walks into a bar in a town that's new to his route and he sees the oddest sight he's ever seen. Done at the end of the bar stands a horse, a real horse, sipping pina coladas. Sitting on the floor next to the horse is washtub filled with dollar bills. After drinking a couple beers, the salesman can stand it anymore and asks the bartender about the horse.

"It's a competition. We're trying to see who can make the horse laugh. Toss a buck in the bucket and give it a shot."

Always up for a challenge, the salesman tossing a buck in the tub, whispers something in the horse's ear, and sure enough, the horse begins to laugh. Laughing so hard, the horse spews pina colada across the bar. It's a huge laugh. Everyone in the bar cheers twice. First, for seeing someone win the bet and second, when the salesman offers to buy the house a round.

Six months past before the same salesman walks into the same bar to see the same horse standing at the end, sipping pina coladas and still laughing ever now and then. This time, however, the wash tub is filled with five dollar bills. The bartender recognizing the prize winner as soon as he sees him and says, "Man, I'm glad to see you back. That horse hasn't stopped laughing since you were last here. The competition this time costs five bucks and the trick is to make the horse cry. You up?"

The salesman nods, tossing a fiver into the wash tub, and walks to the far side of the horse where he does something. Sure enough, the horse begins to cry. (I know, "why the long face, right?") After buying everyone in the bar another drink, the bartender asks if the man will share his secrets.

"Sure thing," says the salesman. "It was easy. The first time, I told the horse, 'Mine's bigger.' And this? I proved it to him."

 

[YoursSINSerely]

A Different Kind of Golf Story

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

 

[mynameisben]

"Not everybody pays."

I did not see that coming.

hahahahahahahhaha!

 

[Handley_Page]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God. 'The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, why are ALL of grandma's hairs white?'


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet aren't empty.'


The children were queued up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE .... God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch queue, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate biscuits.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

.

 

[Handley_Page]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie.
I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.
Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said;
"Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

 

[Handley_Page]

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini
skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my
pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this,
I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can
do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the
pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves
over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Out for a walk in the park, the old man heard a tiny voice. Looking down, he saw a toad talking to him. "Hey mister!" said the toad in a beautiful female voice. "I'm actually a beautiful princess turned into a toad by an evil witch. If you kiss me, I'll turn back into that beautiful princess and be yours forever."

The old man smiles, tucked the toad in his pocket, and went along his walk. A few minutes later, the toad pokes her head back up from the his pocket and reminds him, "One kiss and then we can do anything you want."

The old man smiled and kept walking. Again, the toad pokes her head up and says, "Mister? Don't you believe me?"

"Oh, I believe you. It's just that at my age, I'd rather have a talking toad."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

A man goes into his local bank three times a week and makes a big deposit into his personal account. For months, the bank manager watches the man and begins to wonder where he gets his money. Concerned the man might be engaging in drugs or with the mob, he discreetly calls the man into his office and asks about the deposits.

"I'm just a gambler," the man explains. "And I never lose money on a bet."

"Impossible. Everyone loses money on bets unless they're a swindler."

"Nope. I do things fair and square, but I only make bets on odd things."

"Such as?"

"Well, for example, I might bet you that at precisely this time, next Tuesday, your balls will turn square."

The bank manager starts laughing. "You're not serious, are you?"

"Sure I am. Care to take the wager?" The decide on the lofty sum of $2500 and agree to meet again on Tuesday, at precisely 11:00 a.m. for the bet.

On Tuesday, the bank manager spends his day holding his family jewels, worried there was an angle he hadn't considered. While he didn't believe in witchcraft or magic, he grew more and more concerned. He worked his morning with one hand stuck deeply inside his pocket, fondling his nuts to make sure they remained oval shaped.

A few minutes before 11, the happy gambler arrives at the bank, strolls to the manager's office, and flashes a big smile. "Well?"

"They're still as round as ever."

"This is a rather sizeable bet," the gambler says. "You don't mind if I ask you to proof your case, do you?"

"Gladly," the bank manager says, undoing his pants and exposing his perfectly normal nut sac.

"I'm very sorry to ask you this, but would you mind if we get some better light on the matter?" the gambler asks, directing the bank manager towards the window where he watches as the manager proudly caresses his balls, rolling them in his hand, and demonstrating they are far from square. "Fair enough," the gambler agrees, allowing the manager to zip up.

The gambler pulls out a wad of $100 bills and begins counting them out to the manager who can't resist crowing about his victory. "I guess you lost that time, didn't you Mr. Gambling Man!"

"Not really," the gambler said with a smile. "You see that man standing across the street? I bet him $5000 that at precisely 11 a.m. this morning, you would play with yourself in your front window."

 

[DG Hear]

Had a little problem at the grocery store today.

Apparently when the cashier said "Strip down, facing me", she was talking about my debit card.

 

[DG Hear]

Ivy League Music

A month after Donald MacDonald started at Harvard, his mother called from Scotland. "And how are the American students, Donald?" she asked.

"They’re so noisy," he complained. "One neighbor endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night."

"How do you put up with it?"

"I just ignore them and play my bagpipes."

 

[Handley_Page]

MAN RULES:

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids
makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point:
"Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

 

[Emily124]

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/p403x403/598667_381190718613673_356632720_n.jpg

 

[DG Hear]

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stopdrinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"Im not bitter. Now that Im so improved, she just isnt good enough for me."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

when we were first married, I quickly released my sexual needs were more than my wife's, so I worked out a system with her that still works:

On nights when she's interested in sex, she just needs to reach beneath the covers and give my willy a quick tug or two and I'll take care of the rest.

On nights when she's not interested in sex, she just needs to reach benath the covers and give my willy a 200 tugs and I'll take care of the rest.

Perfect system!

 

[Handley_Page]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

 

[puzzlepiece]

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/p403x403/598667_381190718613673_356632720_n.jpg

That's funny!!

 

[DG Hear]

We've been getting lots of people posting to the thread. Just letting you know that HP and I welcome all to post here. It's a lot more fun when readers post to the thread.
Thank you to all that post here.
With Respect
DG Hear

 

[Handley_Page]

My three-year-old son was trying to open a yoghurt this morning.

After a few minutes he started getting stressed and said, "Stupid fucking lid."

My wife looked at me and said, "Where's he got that from?"

I said, "The fridge."

 

[JackLuis]

Suicide or Murder?

tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge,........ so they stopped and parked their Harleys.


Their leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked her... "Well, before you jump, why don't
you give me a kiss?"

So she does...And it was a long, deep, lingering, spine-tingling kiss.

After she's finished, the biker leader says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".

The authorities think she may have been pushed.

 

[Boxlicker101]

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/p403x403/598667_381190718613673_356632720_n.jpg

That's funny!!

It is funny, but it would be more authentic if it said "...until yo momma jumped on one."