Humor Thread

[Miss_Pixie]

A solution to an age old question, as solved by my 5 year old cousin...

I asked him, "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" and he thought about it for a second and said, "The Chicken, duh, god would have looked silly sitting on an egg!"

There you have it folks. Out of the mouths of babes!

 

[Handley_Page]

LEXIPHILES

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

 

[DG Hear]

How can a man make his wife scream twice?
Fuck her in the ass dry then wipe his dick on the drapes.

What's the best thing to come out of a dick?
The wrinkles.

What 2 things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
Her legs

How can you tell when your girlfriend gets too fat?
When she sits on you and you cant hear the stereo anymore.

 

[DG Hear]

Wine does not make you FAT ...


- it makes you LEAN ....

(Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.) ​

 

[DG Hear]

This was sent to me by a lady friend.

God's Humor

While creating husbands, God promised women that good
and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.
And then he made the earth round.

That God - he's such a joker.

 

[SeaCat]

Stole this one from a friend of mine.

An Olympic wrestler from the United States is about
to face the international champion, a huge Russian,
in his weight class. As the match is about to begin,
his coach warns him, "Don't let him get you into the
Double Pretzel Bend -- no one can get out of that hold
once it's applied!" The wrestler agrees to do his best
and runs to the center of the mat to meet his opponent.

Well, the match starts and as things would go, the American
wrestler finds himself caught in the Russian's double
pretzel bend. His shoulder blades are getting pushed
closer and closer to the mat -- it's almost over. He
looks up towards the ceiling and sees this guy's testicles
hanging inches from his face. So he thinks, what the
****, I'm about to lose the match -- so he chomps down
... HARD!

The next thing you know, there's an unnerving scream
of pain, the American and Russian wrestlers seem to
explode off the mat, and when the all is said and done,
the American ends up on top of the Russian and pins
him. As he walks off the mat, his coach greets him
and says, "That was incredible, I've never seen anyone
escape the Double Pretzel Bend. How in the world did
you do it?" The American wrestler replies,

"Anything is possible after you bite your own nuts!!!"


Cat

 

[DG Hear]

Sent to me by a fellow a/h'er

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[DG Hear]

Some of my best postings are sent to me by A/H friends.
DG

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they
moved to Noordhoek where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they
don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because
they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got it
fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't
do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats
on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in
it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and
go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.

And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones
who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and
says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I
will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

 

[DG Hear]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a
200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

 

[Weird Harold]

...submitted by UPS pilots...

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..

I wish people would quit trying to "update" old jokes.

As far as I know, UPS doens't fly anythingtha has a target radar.

This list was funny in it's (I think) original version when I saw it as a list of WWII bomber pilot gripes, back when I was in Vietnam.

 

[DG Hear]

I wish people would quit trying to "update" old jokes.

As far as I know, UPS doens't fly anythingtha has a target radar.

This list was funny in it's (I think) original version when I saw it as a list of WWII bomber pilot gripes, back when I was in Vietnam.

It was sent to me, I thought it was funny and posted it. Sorry, you didn't like it. Different strokes for different folks.

 

[oggbashan]

Sales Pitch...

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance.

This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.

Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated:

"If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."

"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."

"Now... Which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"

 

[oggbashan]

Cannibals in the Navy...

Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns of World War II. When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating. So please do not indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor."

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later, the Admiral returned and said, "You're all working hard, and I'm very satisfied with every one of you. However, one of our Chief Petty Officers has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shook their heads. After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Chief?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You idiot! For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, Commanders, and even one Captain, and no one noticed a thing. And then YOU had to go and eat a Chief!"

 

[oggbashan]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.

If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.

If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120
minutes to "Happy Hour."

 

[oggbashan]

An Engineer in Hell

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

[DG Hear]

Had this before but it's pretty good.
DG

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their in car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

 

[DG Hear]

Major truths about men and women

Men Are Just Happier


NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dumbo and Big John.

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

[DG Hear]

My Kind Of Teacher

A former Master Sergeant having served three tours in Nam with the Army's Airborne Rangers, took a new job as a school teacher. Just before the school
year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was an Airborne Ranger were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year!

Hooah!

 

[Handley_Page]

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to bring.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting sh*tloads of firewood"

 

[Handley_Page]

Brit humor


I took a dyslexic bird home last night, and she ended up cooking my sock!

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and
stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realized she was just on standby.

Just Fostered a Muslim kid all 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.

Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke, all I said was,
"golly you're tall."

They've had to cancel the panto 'jack & the beanstalk', in Birmingham,
Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester & Luton because the giant couldn't
smell any Englishmen.

Muslims' have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone who's English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

Just bought a racehorse called "My Face"; it may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in crowd screaming 'come on my face'.

The other night I said to my wife, let's play Chilean miners.
She said, "So do you want me to go down your shaft until I reach the bottom" I said no just take off for 4 months.

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

 

[Handley_Page]

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

 

[OzoneRed]

Benoit B Mandelbrot is well known as the father of fractal geometry.

Less well known is the fact that his middle initial, B, stands for "Benoit B Mandelbrot".

 

[OzoneRed]

My favorite "How many" joke

How many lawyers (or accountants, or auditors) does it take to change a light bulb?

Three of them. One to change the light bulb, and one to confuse the issue.

 

[DG Hear]

There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about"?

He said, " F*cked if I know I've never got this far before"

 

[1sickbastard]

Q: What's the difference between jelly and jam?
A: I've never had a copy machine have a paper jelly.