Humor Thread

[sillypanda]

A student goes to see her professor during his office hours about her near-failing grade.

She says, "I can't fail this class - they'll kick me out of school!"

The professor replies, "I'm sorry young lady, but you've been slacking all semester and unless you get an A on the final, you're going to fail my class."

Adjusting in her seat she pleads "There must be something I can do, please! I'll do anything!"

The professor pauses. "...Anything?"

She narrows her eyes and leans in and breathily repeats, "ANYTHING."

He leans in, takes off his glass and asks, "Would you... study?"

(an old favorite )

 

[Tio_Narratore]

There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about"?

He said, " F*cked if I know I've never got this far before"

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian?

Someone who knocks on your door for no particular reason.

 

[1sickbastard]

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian?

Someone who knocks on your door for no particular reason.

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witless, I mean Witness with a member of the KKK?

Someone who burns big wooden question marks on your front lawn.

 

[avidreader_01]

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witless, I mean Witness with a member of the KKK?

Someone who burns big wooden question marks on your front lawn.

lol, i love that

 

[Handley_Page]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!"

The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

 

[trysail]

FORECASTING


It was the late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.


Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'


'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.


A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.


Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'


'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a lot of firewood.'

 

[JackLuis]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible
rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich ..

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when
you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00,
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;
what you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

 

[DG Hear]

Loved them Jack! Thank you

 

[1sickbastard]

How many UAW members does it take to change a light bulb?

Hey, that job belongs to the IBEW!
STRIKE!!!!!

 

[sillypanda]

lol - nice Jack!

And I have to ask, am I the first person to say they initially thought that was an elephant in your icon? I didn't see the albatross until I read the caption lol!

 

[1sickbastard]

A pretty lil'thing fell in love with a cowboy and the two were married.

A mother later, the bride moved back in with her momma. The poor girl was broken hearted.

Her momma asked her, "What's wrong suger? What happened between you and you fella? I though he said he'd love you 'til the cows came home."

"That's the problem, momma." The girl cried. "The cows did come home, and that's when I found out why they call'em cowpokes."




"Momma, don't let you babies grown up to be cowboys..."-Willie Nelson

 

[DG Hear]

lol - nice Jack!

And I have to ask, am I the first person to say they initially thought that was an elephant in your icon? I didn't see the albatross until I read the caption lol!

You're right!!! I thought it was an elephant till I read your post. Need new glasses or a new brain.
Sorry Jack

 

[JackLuis]

You're right!!! I thought it was an elephant till I read your post. Need new glasses or a new brain.
Sorry Jack

Elephant? Even my glasses don't make it into an elephant.
Perhaps I should go back to the Kitten Sniper?

 

[1sickbastard]

Elephant? Even my glasses don't make it into an elephant.
Perhaps I should go back to the Kitten Sniper?

Elephant?

What's small, feathered and puts out forest fires?
Smokey the duck.

What's large, grey and puts out burning ducks?
Smokey the Elephant! (stomp-quack, stomp-quack!)

 

[JackLuis]

Classic Cosby

Enjoy!

 

[DG Hear]

Classic Cosby

Enjoy!

Great stuff Jack
Thank you!

 

[Handley_Page]

Classic Cosby

Enjoy!

A better case for elocution, one has yet to hear.
Brilliant!

 

[Handley_Page]

Strange "Military" Quotes:

"Do not touch anything unnecessarily. Beware of pretty girls in dance halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers, uniforms, arms, dead horses, and men lying on roads -- they are not there accidentally." -
Soviet infantry manual, issued in the 1930's

One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American doctrine, is that the Americans do not read their manuals, nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine...-
From a Soviet Junior Lt's Notebook

"The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons." -Russian military doctrine.

..At a prewar diplomatic conference, the Nazi Foreign Minister Ribbentrop "sniffed" to Eden and Churchill that if there was another war, the Italians would be on Germany's side!
To which Churchill supposedly replied: "that seems only fair, we had them last time!"...

"The reason the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices it on a daily basis." - from a post-war debriefing of a German General

 

[Weird Harold]

You may need to think twice about this first one:

Spot On
I tried that thing today at the gas station where you try and stop the pump bang on what you want to pay, but let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on $20.03.

"Rats!" I shouted and walked into the shop to pay.

"Unlucky, pal," smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra."

"Thanks, pal," I said as I handed him my ten bucks and split.

+++

Bullying
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

+++

Really Drunk
I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."

Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."

She said, "Yes you are."

I said, "No I'm not."

She said, "Can you tell the time?"

I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not drunk."

 

[DG Hear]

Loved them Harold!

 

[Tio_Narratore]

...another academic joke...

A professor at the University of British Columbia was giving a lecture
on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject,
the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'

 

[stephen55]

...another academic joke...

A professor at the University of British Columbia was giving a lecture
on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject,
the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'

Now that, is so funny!

 

[stephen55]

A woman came home from her visit to the doctor and was standing nude in front of the mirror, admiring herself.

Her husband asked, "Why are you doing this?"

She replied that the doctor had complimented her on her youthful appearance. "He even said I have the breasts of a twenty year old."

To which her husband added, "Did he say anything about your forty year old ass?"

"No dear, your name didn't come up at all."

 

[OzDave]

I lost the trivia quiz last night by one point. The last question was "Where do most women have curly hair?"

Apparently the answer is Africa.

 

[Weird Harold]

A woman came home from her visit to the doctor and was standing nude in front of the mirror, admiring herself.

Her husband asked, "Why are you doing this?"

...

"The Doctor said I have the body of a woman half my age."

"Well, you better give it back to her. You're getting it all wrinkled."