Humor Thread

[YoursSINSerely]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to
jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have
ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why
are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

 

[DG Hear]

What can you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes.


What's the difference between pussy and parsley?
Nobody eats parsley.

What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog?
When eating pussy at least you can see the asshole in front of you.
(sorry, this one made me laugh)

 

[DG Hear]

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales .


At the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the very blonde waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us… Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”



The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr.... Gurrr.... King."

(loved this one, Thanks HP)

 

[DG Hear]

Air Force Joke

Twin brothers are hoping to enlist in the U.S. Air Force. The recruiting officer says to the first twin, "Any skills of a military nature?"

"I'm a pilot," he replies.

The recruiter knew he had struck gold. He stood up and shook the man's hand. "Welcome to the Air Force...And what about you?" the officer asks the second twin.

"I chop wood." he replied.

"Sorry. We really don't need any wood choppers," says the officer.

"But you enlisted my brother."

"Yeah, well he's a pilot," says the officer.

The twin shakes his head, rolls his eyes and responds, "Maybe so, but I have to chop the wood before he can pile it!"

 

[Weird Harold]

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

 

[DG Hear]

Army Joke

"I suppose once you get discharged from the Army, you'll barely be able to wait until I die so you can spit on my grave," growled the drill sergeant.

"Not, me," responded the private. "Once I'm out of the Army, I'm never gonna stand in line again.

 

[DG Hear]

The Auction

The bidding was fast and furious at a local action when at one point, the auctioneer received a note to read aloud. "A gentleman at today's auction has lost his wallet which contains $10,000. He has offered a $1,000 reward for it's return."

From the back of the room, a voice boomed out, "One thousand-five hundred!"

 

[DG Hear]

Bar Jokes

A bartender walked over to a guy with a frog on hs head and said, "Hey, where did you get that?"

"Believe it or not," the frog croaked. "It started out as a wart on my butt."


Two guys are sitting at a bar and become quite tipsy. The first guy says, "Say, where are you from?"

The second guy says, "I'm from Miami."

The first guy replies,"Really? I'm from Miami, too. What high school did you go to?"

The second guy answers, "St. Joe's."

"Incredible!" remarks the first guy, "Me too!"

"Wow!" says the second guy. "What year did you graduate?"

"83"

"My gosh. I graduated in 83 too."

"Looks like we're in for a long one tonight," the bartender sighs to one of the other customers. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

 

[avidreader_01]

A bartender walked over to a guy with a frog on hs head and said, "Hey, where did you get that?"

"Believe it or not," the frog croaked. "It started out as a wart on my butt."


Two guys are sitting at a bar and become quite tipsy. The first guy says, "Say, where are you from?"

The second guy says, "I'm from Miami."

The first guy replies,"Really? I'm from Miami, too. What high school did you go to?"

The second guy answers, "St. Joe's."

"Incredible!" remarks the first guy, "Me too!"

"Wow!" says the second guy. "What year did you graduate?"

"83"

"My gosh. I graduated in 83 too."

"Looks like we're in for a long one tonight," the bartender sighs to one of the other customers. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

lol, where do you get all of those jokes from?

 

[Dianthus]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life! After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

 

[DG Hear]

lol, where do you get all of those jokes from?

Some are sent to me, other I look up and others I read in joke books that I have. Just received this one from a fellow a/h'er.

Important Health Message:

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A turtle doesn't run, does nothing .. yet lives for 450 years.

 

[SamScribble]

The head of security at London Zoo got a call from one of the keepers. ‘There’s been a bit of a disturbance at the elephant enclosure,’ the keeper said. ‘I’ve got three boys here. I think you should talk to them.’

The head of security races across to the elephant enclosure where all is now quiet. ‘Are these the boys?’ he asked, nodding in the direction of three ten-year olds.

‘That’s them,’ the keeper said.

Suddenly, the boys all begin to talk at once.

‘Stop!’ the security man said. ‘One at a time. You, what’s you name and what were you doing?’

‘My name’s Tom,’ the first boy said, ‘and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant’s enclosure.

‘And you?’ the head of security asked the second boy.

‘My name’s Harry,’ the boy said. ‘And that’s what I was doing too: throwing peanuts into the elephant’s enclosure.

The head of security nods towards the third boy.

‘Well, my name’s Michael,’ the boy said. ‘But my friends usually call me Peanuts.’

 

[Weird Harold]

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

+++

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

+++

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

 

[DG Hear]

A middle aged fellow stops into a bar for a nghtcap. He strikes up a conversation with the bartender and says, "I just went to my night school class."

"Really... what'd you learn?" asks the bartender.

"I learned to write."

"Hey, on your first day? That's terrific! What did you write?"

"Dunno...I can't read."

 

[SamScribble]

A man walked into a bank and called out to one of the tellers: ‘Hey, you with the face like a pig’s arse! I want open a account.’

‘Sir,’ the teller said, ‘there’s no need to use that kind of language.’

‘Listen, you fat slag, I’m the customer – or I will be in a moment – and I’ll use whatever fucking language I want to use.’

‘Not with me, you won’t,’ the teller told him. ‘Perhaps you’d better have a word with my supervisor.’

‘Fine,’ the man said. ‘Just tell the lazy son of a bitch to get his arse out here. NOW.’

The teller went off and, in due course, returned with her supervisor.

‘Now, sir,’ the supervisor said, somewhat frostily, ‘what seems to be the problem?’

‘The problem,’ the would-be customer said, ‘is that I’ve just won eight million on the bloody lottery and I want to open goddamn savings account with your poxy bank.’

‘Oh, I see, sir!’ the supervisor said. ‘And I suppose this dozy good-for-nothing bitch is being her normal bloody unhelpful self, is she?’

 

[oggbashan]

Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.


The first surgeon says,
'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'


The second responds,
'Yeah, but you should try Electricians!
Everything inside them is colour-coded.'


The third surgeon says,
'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'


The fourth surgeon chimes in,
'You know I like Construction Workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'


But the fifth surgeon shut them all up,
When he observed, 'you're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the asshole -
And they are interchangeable'

 

[Weird Harold]

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out,

"What was all that about?"

He replied,

"Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

 

[Weird Harold]

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

 

[Chiara_searches]

When talking about that I like to use power tools (not sexually mind you), the person with whom I was speaking and I both thought we should start a Lit thread: "How powerful is YOUR vibrator." It was a funny thought...hope you find the humor, too.

 

[DG Hear]

When talking about that I like to use power tools (not sexually mind you), the person with whom I was speaking and I both thought we should start a Lit thread: "How powerful is YOUR vibrator." It was a funny thought...hope you find the humor, too.

Humor is different for everyone. Welcome to the humor thread and thank you for posting here. Feel free to come back often.
DG

Weird Harold, you are posting some really cute stuff.
Thank you
DG

 

[DG Hear]

more bar jokes

A seal walks into a tavern and the bartender says, "What'll you have?"

"Anything but a Canadian Club."


I like this one, made me smile.

A Skeleton goes into a bar and says, "Give me a beer... and a mop."

 

[Weird Harold]

Beethoven
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

 

[SweetMerry]

A guy walks into a bar.

The second guy ducks.

 

[SamScribble]

A couple of guys are chatting in a bar. They’ve got as far as exchanging names.

‘So,’ Michael says, ‘if you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would it be?’

Bradley thinks for maybe five seconds. ‘It would have to be Green Bay,’ he says.

Michael looks at him in disbelief. ‘Green Bay! Are you kidding? Green Bay is a dump. It’s good for just two things: cheap whores and the Packers.’

‘I’ll have you know my wife comes from Green Bay,’ Bradley says.

‘Oh, yeah?’ says Michael. ‘And what position did she play?’

 

[Handley_Page]

[forgive me if you've seen it, but I thought it funny: ]


So after landing my new job as an Edgars greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Edgars. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Edgars.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.