Humor Thread

[Weird Harold]

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

+++

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.

"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."

"Batted .007," his wife added.

 

[DG Hear]

An Oldie but still cute. Just received it from a friend.
DG

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cook ing around here and you should
do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

 

[DG Hear]

A drunk walked into a bar. He needed five stitches.


A talking dog goes into a bar and says, "How about a drink for the talking dog?"
The bartender responds, " OK, the toilets right around the corner.

Well, that's it for my bar jokes for now.
DG

 

[Weird Harold]

Top 5 reasons why computers must be female

5. No one but their creator understands their logic.

4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

+++

Top 5 reasons why computers must be male

5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.

3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.

2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system.

1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.

 

[Handley_Page]

I just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house.

Turns out she is a Slovak.

 

[Handley_Page]

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

 

[oggbashan]

Paraprosdokian

Definition: A figure of speech that uses an unexpected ending to a series or phrase.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a
bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you
with experience.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train
people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an
emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be
devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
they can't get away.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have
no imagination whatsoever.

 

[DG Hear]

The Three Pigs

Three pigs are in a barnyard. The first one says, "Oink, oink."

The second pig says, "Oink, oink, oink."

The third pig says, "Moooo."

The other two pigs do a double take. Overhearing the third pig, the farmer askes, "What did you say?"

"Moooo."

"That's crazy," says the farmer. "Pigs don't say, 'Moooo!"

"I know," the third pig says. "But I'm trying to learn a second language."

 

[JackLuis]

http://smirkingchimp.com/themes/chimpy/images/fuckedyouall.jpg

 

[SamScribble]

These animal observations remind me of Winston Churchill’s thoughts on pigs:

‘I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. But pigs treat us as equals.’

 

[DG Hear]

This one was a quote from Lee Trevino:

My family was so poor, they couldn't afford to have any kids.
The lady next door had me.

 

[DG Hear]

Did you hear the one about the blonde who saw a sign in the ladies room that said, "Employees must wash hands"? She waited and waited all evening for one to come but finally had to do it herself.

 

[DG Hear]

The 100 MPH Goat

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting and, as they
are walking along, they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says: "Wow, that's some hole;
I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says:" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to
hit bottom."

The first hunter says: "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and
two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and, with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other,
looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says: " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hudert miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said: "That's impossible.

I had him chained to an old transmission!"

 

[DG Hear]

Harriet's husband Herb, an inveterate automobile enthusiast, died suddenly one day. When she went to take care of the funeral arrangements, the local undertaker asked her how she wanted the obituary to read.

Harriet asked, "What's the cost?"

"A dollar per word," replied the undertaker.

"Okay," Harriet said. "I want it to read 'Herb is dead'."

The undertaker responded, "I'm sorry. It's a six word minimum."

Harriet thought for a second and then said, "Okay, 'Herb is dead. Corvette for sale'."

 

[Cowgurlhat]

The Chicken or The Egg?

Late one night, a chicken and an egg were laying in bed next to each other. The chicken was obviously content with himself, smoking away on a cigarette; the egg, on the other hand, was feeling very frustrated.

Rolling onto its side, the egg huffed, "Well, I think we now know the answer to that question!"

 

[SamScribble]

A woman was quietly sitting in the corner of a bar, minding her own business, when guy walked up to her and asked if she would like to play a little game.

‘I don’t think so,’ the woman said. ‘ I’m a bit tired.’

‘Come on,’ the guy said, ‘just a little quiz.’

‘I’m not very good at quizzes,’ the woman said.

‘Tell you what,’ the guy said, ‘we’ll take turns asking the questions. If you can’t answer my question, you pay me a pound, but if I can’t answer your question, I’ll pay you fifty pounds.’

The woman really did look tired but, eventually, she agreed. ‘Your question first,’ she said.

‘How far is it – in miles – from the earth to the moon?’ the guy asked.

Without saying a word, the woman reached into her purse, fished out a one pound coin, and handed it over.

‘Now it’s your turn,’ the guy said.

‘OK. What’s red with blue stripes, goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’

For fully fifteen minutes the guy sat there frowning and muttering to himself and, eventually, reluctantly, he reached into his wallet for a ten and two twenties. ‘There you are,’ he said. ‘There’s your fifty. Now, tell me, what is red with blue stripes, goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’

Again, without saying a word, the woman reached into her purse and handed over a one pound coin.

 

[Cowgurlhat]

^^ *giggles* Love that!

 

[temptationislandman]

LOL...nice

 

[DG Hear]

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sednn.


Q: What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
A: Poultry in motion.

 

[DG Hear]

Nasty jokes

How can a man make his wife scream twice?
Fuck her in the ass dry then wipe his dick on the drapes.

What's the best thing to come out of a dick?
The wrinkles.

What 2 things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
Her legs.

Did you hear about the new deodorant called umpire?
Its for foul balls.

What's brown and sounds like a doorbell?
Dung.

 

[DG Hear]

"Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in."

---Rita Rudner​

 

[DG Hear]

Bytes of Humor

Q. Where do computers go on vacation?
A. To the Big Apple.

Q. What's the best way to park a computer?
A. You back it up.

Q. What did the football punter do to the computer?
A. He booted it up.

Q. What happens when you cross a computer with an elephant?
A. I don't know, but you get plenty of memory.

 

[DG Hear]

A guy goes to confession. He says, "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. I was skiing when I spotted my boss on the same slope. He didn't recognize me because I was wearing a ski mask. So, I skied over to where he was, gave him a push and roared with laughter as he rolled over and over down the hill, breaking his leg in three places."

"Why are you telling me this again?" asked the priest. "That's the fifth time you've confessed this transgression."

The guy answers, "I know. I just like talking about it."

 

[Weird Harold]

Mike and Pat are walking down the street, admiring all the dogs in their various shapes and sizes.

“Pat, sure an’ I’m thinking of getting meslf a dog.”

“A dog’s a foine thing, Mike. What sort of dog are ye thinking o’ getting?”

“Well Pat, I’m thinking I moight get one o’ those Labrador Retriever dogs.”

“A Labrador Retriever dog? Have ye gone DAFT, Mike?”

“Why? What’s wrong with Labrador Retriever dogs?”

“Faith, haven’t you noticed how many o’ their owners go BLIND?”

 

[bookwormju]

2 women on the way back from a night out stop in a graveyard for a piss

1 wipes her fanny with her knickers and the other with a wreath

the 2 husbands were in the pub the next day and the first man said "i better

watch my wife as she came home last night with no knickers"

the other man says "that`s fuck all, mine had a card wedged in her arse saying

"we`ll never forget you from all the boys at the firestation"