Humor Thread

[Zobor]

Illegal and Illogical Story
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it. Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?" Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!" Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. " Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?" Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?" Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed. Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question. He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

 

[Zobor]

Yes, I AM a Senior Citizen

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it wqs NOT the senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or,
God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships
and interactions with others!!


And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.

Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?

What about the last verse of My Country 'tis of Thee?
"Our father's God to thee,
Author of liberty,
To Thee we sing.
Long may our land be bright,
With freedom's Holy light.
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God our King."

Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!



YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps.... with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over.

I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.



I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic,
waiting in long lines, crowds, lawyers, unruly kids,
Toyota commercials, Dan Rather, barking dogs,
politicians and a few other things I can't seem to
remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like......?

I'm beginning to realizing that aging is not for wimps.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these
days, and when did they let kids become policemen?

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how
could I be alive at 150?

And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?

I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just
lost the key to the storeroom door.



Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am
having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me,
I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send
it to many more too!


Now- Have I already sent this to you???????

If so, I'll try not to do it again (for a while..)l

Do all things with eternity in mind

 

[Handley_Page]

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'


Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.


Men can read smaller print than women;
women can hear better..


The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%


Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar



Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.


In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'

 

[DesertPirate]

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an
earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow,
and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into
earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies
sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity
prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

(I always wondered how this trend got started)

 

[DG Hear]

Thanks all for keeping up with the thread. Happy New Year to all of you.
DG

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle, replies the inventor."

"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton," replies the inventor. "That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

 

[JackLuis]

Thanks all for keeping up with the thread. Happy New Year to all of you.
DG

--

"In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

Oh DG, that sooo bad, LOL

 

[DG Hear]

Just heard from a friend in Minnesota


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


He says it has been snowing heavily for three days now.

His wife has done nothing but stare through the window.







If it doesn't stop soon, he’ll probably have to let her in.

 

[DG Hear]

A TRUE IRISH GHOST STORY

This happened a while ago in Belfast, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock story, it's true.


John Bradford, a 20 year old Queen's University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No cars were travelling that night. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.....

'Look Paddy...there's that freaking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.'

 

[Weird Harold]

Words of Navajo Wisdom
About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface.

Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."

 

[TE999]

Euphemisms for business layoffs:

Dissing the gruntled.

Causing 404's on the career servers.

Implementing employee Catch and Release program.

Butt harvesting on the cubicle farm.

Eternity leave.

Down shafting.

Enlarging the cult of Oprah.

Hiring a bunch of people, only backwards.

Issuing transfers to Monster.com.

Transfers to Recliner Division.

Initiating Carpal Tunnel Prevention Program.

Moving workforce to within a dead dog, a stolen pickup and a bad woman of a Blues song.

Returning slackers to the wild.

Separating the wheat from the chaff that doesn't kiss enough ass.

H. R. Rufstuf.

Helping stem the dangerously high employment rate.

Reallocation of employee pension plan resources.

 

[DG Hear]

Judas Asparagus

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.
The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because
mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.
Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,
but they said
they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau
sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really
loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out
of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues
included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These
include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of
Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon
who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise
to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed
by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem
in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door!
Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.
He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the
end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

 

[DG Hear]

Received this from an A/H friend
DG

A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do toot a lot."

Us senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The tv remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

 

[Weird Harold]

A psychology student was to help a professor in conducting a personality test. The room was set up with various props in order to move through the assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room started through the test.

"How does this glass of water look to you?"

Person 1: It is half empty.

Student writes 'pessimist' in his report.

Person 2 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?"

Person 2: It is half full.

Student writes 'optimist' in his report.

Person 3 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?"

Person 3: Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there.

The student looks totally blank and goes to consult with the professor.

"Oh them!", the professor says, "I forgot to warn you about the engineers! They have no personality."

 

[Crudebug]

I am perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built near Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant. The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two gay night-clubs be opened next-door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque. We could call the Clubs "The Turban Cowboy" and "You Mecca Me So Hot".

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and has an open barbecue with spare ribs as its daily special. Across the street, a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret” with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop with its name in flashing neon lights.

If you agree in promoting tolerance and you think this is a good plan, pass it on.

http://img1.uploadhouse.com/fileuploads/7469/74693213c99587cd9faaee60c55951aa36688bd.jpg

I'm sorry. I shouldn't hate Muslims because they aren't all terrorists.

In reality it's only about 1% of their total population. There are 1.5 billion Muslims..........

Wait.. !!!!!... 1% of 1.5 billion = 15 million terrorists.
w t f.
.
.
.
I f'n hate Muslims.​

 

[DG Hear]

The little bastards!


What is a calorie?

Calories are the little sweet nothings that get into your wardrobe at
night and sew your clothes tighter.

MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS!

 

[DG Hear]

A young Arab lad asks his father:

What is this weird hat that we are wearing?

Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!

And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?

It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!

And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?

These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!

Tell me Abba?

Yes my son?

Why are we living in Dearborn , Michigan and still wearing all this shit?

 

[JackLuis]

20 sexy facts:

Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium!

The word “gymnasium” comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means “to exercise naked.”

The greatest recorded number of children one mother had was 69 children.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores.

An adulterous Greek male was sometimes punished by the removal of his pubic hair and the insertion of a large radish into his rectum.

In India it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitute than buy a condom!

The “normal” person spends 600 hours having sex between the ages of 20 and 70.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were: Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Americans spend twice as much money on porn than they do on cookies.

Condoms exposed to smog and other pollutants, are 25% less effective.

The word, “Hockey” is Archaic slang for “semen.”

People who chew a lot of ice have a higher sex drive.

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don’t.

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great Phaoroh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal.

27% of women think money makes a man sexier.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

85% of men who die of heart-attacks during intercourse, are found to have been cheating on their wives.

Male and female rats may have sex, up to twenty times a day.

For every ‘normal’ webpage, there are five porn pages.

 

[DG Hear]

Thanks Jack, that was some great info. Now I hav to wait around a supermarket checkou and see which women by the Romance magazines.

 

[Miss_Pixie]

Sex is also an effective remedy for headaches.

 

[Handley_Page]

Sex is also an effective remedy for headaches.

/off topic
That's not what my wife said a while ago
/topic

 

[Miss_Pixie]

That's not what my wife said a while ago

I'd hate to tell your wife she's wrong, but sex and an orgasm always breaks up my headaches...

 

[DG Hear]

/off topic
That's not what my wife said a while ago
/topic

I'd hate to tell your wife she's wrong, but sex and an orgasm always breaks up my headaches...

There you go HP!!! You have to give your wife an orgasm, not just have sex with her. LOL (all in fun HP)

 

[TMNT_FAN]

Lol...no worries HP I had to figure out that it took more than sex too...

 

[DG Hear]

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering
from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if
they're okay, then it's you.

= = = = = = = =

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks
were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had
written across the bottom:

"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much
in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her
of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:

"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to
try it out on her mother."

 

[DG Hear]

I received this from an A/H friend. Yes I have a few.
DG

LEXIPHILES

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.