redpaint
Literotica Guru
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Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
- Start date
- Status
redpaint
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Posts
- 3,160
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
redpaint
Literotica Guru
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only_more_so
Man
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- Jul 3, 2005
- Posts
- 2,678
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
only_more_so
Man
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Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
- Joined
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- 30,088
A country boy and a big city lawyer are seated together on a cross country flight.
The country boy's tired and wants to sleep, but the lawyer figures he'll have some fun with the rube.
"Hey, let's play a game."
"Okay"
"We'll ask each other questions. If I ask you one you can't answer, you give me $10.00. If you ask me one I can't answer, I'll give you $500.00."
"Sounds fair."
"How far from the earth to the moon?"
The country boy shrugs and hands over $10.00.
"My turn. What goes up the hill on three legs and comes down again on four legs?"
The lawyer thinks and thinks, then calls some friends who do computer searches. No one can find the answer.
The frustrated lawyer pulls $500.00 out of his wallet and hands it to the country boy, who thanks him and falls asleep.
The lawyer's curious and angry. He shakes the country boy and says, "I give up. What goes up the hill on three legs and comes down on four?"
The country boy opens one eye, shrugs, gives the lawyer $10.00 and goes back to sleep.
--------
Don't mess with country folks.
The country boy's tired and wants to sleep, but the lawyer figures he'll have some fun with the rube.
"Hey, let's play a game."
"Okay"
"We'll ask each other questions. If I ask you one you can't answer, you give me $10.00. If you ask me one I can't answer, I'll give you $500.00."
"Sounds fair."
"How far from the earth to the moon?"
The country boy shrugs and hands over $10.00.
"My turn. What goes up the hill on three legs and comes down again on four legs?"
The lawyer thinks and thinks, then calls some friends who do computer searches. No one can find the answer.
The frustrated lawyer pulls $500.00 out of his wallet and hands it to the country boy, who thanks him and falls asleep.
The lawyer's curious and angry. He shakes the country boy and says, "I give up. What goes up the hill on three legs and comes down on four?"
The country boy opens one eye, shrugs, gives the lawyer $10.00 and goes back to sleep.
--------
Don't mess with country folks.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
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- 6,689
Doctor or diplomat?!
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 22 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
'So what do you think about that, Doc ?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
Then began to tell a story.
'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
And never misses a season.'
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
OUT of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
It were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'
'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
Pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The doctor replied , 'My point exactly
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 22 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
'So what do you think about that, Doc ?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
Then began to tell a story.
'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
And never misses a season.'
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
OUT of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
It were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'
'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
Pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The doctor replied , 'My point exactly
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Copper Wire
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a
telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a
hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
One week later, 'Cowpens Daily News,' a local newspaper in West Virginia , reported the following:
After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Cowpens, West Virginia ,
Billy 'Bubba' Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Mr. Mitchell has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, West Virginia had already gone wireless.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a
telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a
hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
One week later, 'Cowpens Daily News,' a local newspaper in West Virginia , reported the following:
After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Cowpens, West Virginia ,
Billy 'Bubba' Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Mr. Mitchell has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, West Virginia had already gone wireless.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Subject: Manure
This might even be true.
Manure... An interesting fact
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported
By ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so
Large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when
Wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the
Process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane
Gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what
Could And did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone
Came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined
Just What was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the
Term 'Ship High In Transet' on them. Which meant for sailors to stow it high
Enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold
Wou ld not touch This volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T.', (Ship High In Transport) which has
Come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably didn;t know the history of the word!
Neither did I.
This might even be true.
Manure... An interesting fact
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported
By ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so
Large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when
Wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the
Process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane
Gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what
Could And did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone
Came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined
Just What was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the
Term 'Ship High In Transet' on them. Which meant for sailors to stow it high
Enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold
Wou ld not touch This volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T.', (Ship High In Transport) which has
Come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably didn;t know the history of the word!
Neither did I.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Ray Stevens "WONDER GLUE"....Real Cute...Turn Up Your Sound!
http://www.bentbay.dk/stuck_on_you.htm Click here: This is so cute
This should bring a smile to your face.
DG
http://www.bentbay.dk/stuck_on_you.htm Click here: This is so cute
This should bring a smile to your face.
DG
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Subject: TGIF
T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with
a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'
He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'
She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.
He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.'
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.'
The man smiled back to her and once again 'S-H-I-T.'
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?'
The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'
T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with
a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'
He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'
She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.
He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.'
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.'
The man smiled back to her and once again 'S-H-I-T.'
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?'
The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'
glynndah
good little witch.
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2005
- Posts
- 26,905
I KNEW THERE WAS A NAME FOR IT.....I JUST COULDN'T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS!! I recognize these traits.
AAADD
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that
the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to
my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally
knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide
to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter the flowers don't
have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't
find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I
did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
AAADD
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that
the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to
my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally
knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide
to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter the flowers don't
have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't
find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I
did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
glynndah
good little witch.
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2005
- Posts
- 26,905
Oh, I spend time here, almost always with a smile on my face. I just don't post that often.Hi glynndah, my good witch friend and teacher. Always nice to hear from you.
DG
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
- Joined
- Mar 20, 2006
- Posts
- 20,432
My best source of jokes is bow hunting for elk in Northwestern NM
Hope everyone gets one and they bring some at Christmas 
DG, like what you said on the political thread. I go there every now and then to fire em up for laughs, it's so predictable.
Hope everyone gets one and they bring some at Christmas
DG, like what you said on the political thread. I go there every now and then to fire em up for laughs, it's so predictable.
glynndah
good little witch.
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2005
- Posts
- 26,905
A joke or an elk?My best source of jokes is bow hunting for elk in Northwestern NM
Hope everyone gets one and they bring some at Christmas
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
- Joined
- Mar 20, 2006
- Posts
- 20,432
Father in law sends jokes every Friday
Haven't had elk since I moved to NC in 97
They are coming for Christmas
glynndah
good little witch.
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2005
- Posts
- 26,905
Will the elks be there just for Christmas or are they planning on spending a few days with you?Father in law sends jokes every Friday
Haven't had elk since I moved to NC in 97
They are coming for Christmas
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
- Joined
- Mar 20, 2006
- Posts
- 20,432
Will the elks be there just for Christmas or are they planning on spending a few days with you?
I didn't realize that good witches had as much smartass as sweet ones
The in laws will park either a slide in camper or their fith wheel trailer in our drive for a few weeks.
They are well trained, always bring their own guest room
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
DP, she is smart. she is a sweetheart, and she is my friend. I have four female friends on the A/H and two of them are witches.I didn't realize that good witches had as much smartass as sweet ones
The in laws will park either a slide in camper or their fith wheel trailer in our drive for a few weeks.
They are well trained, always bring their own guest room
DG
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
- Joined
- Mar 20, 2006
- Posts
- 20,432
DP, she is smart. she is a sweetheart, and she is my friend. I have four female friends on the A/H and two of them are witches.
DG
And if you are careless in the choice of words they will have a lot of fun with it
I am slowly getting better at this but slip and get lazy now and then.
See the above for proof
Got exactly what I expected.
I think we share 3 of those friends
Last edited:
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Eternal truths
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't
have film.
I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just
wish He didn't trust me so much.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
If the shoe fits......buy it in every colour.
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more
than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably
need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of
cheques.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness
of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away
three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long
enough to make them all yourself
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't
have film.
I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just
wish He didn't trust me so much.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
If the shoe fits......buy it in every colour.
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more
than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably
need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of
cheques.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness
of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away
three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long
enough to make them all yourself
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
These are actual directions found on certain products around theworld!
1. Directions found on a bag of frito corn chips.
"You could be a winner!!! No purchase neccessary!!! Details
inside!"
(you think to your self Shoplifters special)
2. On Tesco's Tiramisu Dessert (directions on bottom)
"Do not turn upsode down"
(Too late)
3. On Marks & Spencers Bread Pudding.
"Product will be hot after heating"
(Just as day follows night)
4. On most kinds of christmas lights.
"Indoor and outdoor uses ONLY"
(As opposed to what now?)
5. On Sainsbury's peanuts.
"WARNING CONTAINS NUTS!!!"
(Talk about your news flash)
6. Found on an American Airlines Packet of peanuts.
"Step One: Open packet. Step two: Eat nuts."
You think to your self (Step three: Fly Delta)
7. On a sweedish chinsaw.
"Warning! PLease do not try to stop with hands or
genitals!!"
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere!My GOD!)
If you know of any other, please post.
DG
1. Directions found on a bag of frito corn chips.
"You could be a winner!!! No purchase neccessary!!! Details
inside!"
(you think to your self Shoplifters special)
2. On Tesco's Tiramisu Dessert (directions on bottom)
"Do not turn upsode down"
(Too late)
3. On Marks & Spencers Bread Pudding.
"Product will be hot after heating"
(Just as day follows night)
4. On most kinds of christmas lights.
"Indoor and outdoor uses ONLY"
(As opposed to what now?)
5. On Sainsbury's peanuts.
"WARNING CONTAINS NUTS!!!"
(Talk about your news flash)
6. Found on an American Airlines Packet of peanuts.
"Step One: Open packet. Step two: Eat nuts."
You think to your self (Step three: Fly Delta)
7. On a sweedish chinsaw.
"Warning! PLease do not try to stop with hands or
genitals!!"
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere!My GOD!)
If you know of any other, please post.
DG
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Received this one.
We have this cooking product called "Sizzle and Stir". It consists of two jars, packaged one on top of the other (you use them to cook chicken in two stages in a frying pan).
On the lid of the bottom jar, which is totally obscured by the top jar, it says "If you can depress the lid of this jar, do not buy this product".
We have this cooking product called "Sizzle and Stir". It consists of two jars, packaged one on top of the other (you use them to cook chicken in two stages in a frying pan).
On the lid of the bottom jar, which is totally obscured by the top jar, it says "If you can depress the lid of this jar, do not buy this product".
- Status
