Humor Thread

[carrie-on]

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Hope this helps,

LOL thanks, I saw it just after i clicked submit! lol

 

[redpaint]

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age,
rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from
other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became
flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to
hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister
and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny
described everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off
most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured
sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He
must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to
feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good
as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started
panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been
getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis
got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I
know it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had
gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants
and stood there about 9 inches long. Honest! anyway, he grabbed it
in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got
really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started
calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the
ones I saw at the lake!

Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off.
All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her
back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took
a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it
from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a
scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel
put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and her
boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by
squishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend
sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because
it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and
her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting
anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel wasn't
dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels
are like cats... They have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about
35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time
because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted.

 

[redpaint]

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night
and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a
virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been
laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't
worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11
o'clock...12 o'clock...

Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs
Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with
her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck
between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it
came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the
time of your life!!!"

 

[redpaint]

My mother, who is 93, lives simply but comfortably in an assisted- living home. Even though she has ample savings, she is always worried about the state of her finances. My brother-in-law tried to ease her mind by telling her, "I've calculated that, given your expenses, you have enough money for at least the next 16 years."

"That's fine," Mom replied, "but how will I manage after that?"

 

[redpaint]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied

 

[redpaint]

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?' 'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.' The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?' 'You must pay first...... Those are the rules,' says the bartender So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. 'Okay,' the bartender says, 'here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it. Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. Third - There's a 90- year old lady upstairs who has never had sex.... You have to take care of that problem. The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...' 'Your call,' says the bartender..... 'but, your money stays where it is. As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila? He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks.. but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence! Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body. He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

 

[DG Hear]

Who's coming?

A truck driver came upon a couple making passionate love in the middle of the road.

He blew his horn, blinked his lights and yet the couple never missed a stroke!

The driver stopped, got out and shouted at them, "Are you crazy, didn't you here my horn, see my lights, didn't you know I was coming?"

The horny young man said, "Yes, I knew you were coming!
I knew she was coming and I knew I was coming!

I also knew you were the only one here with brakes!"

 

[DG Hear]

::: BREAKING NEWS ::: ​

In 2009 the government will start arresting
all the mentally ill people.

I started crying when I thought of you.

Run little buddy, run!

 

[DG Hear]

First Time Experience

It is her first time. As she lies back her muscles tighten. She puts him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches her. He asks if shes afraid and she shakes her head bravely.

He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and she shivers; her body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within her eyes and tells her to trust him--he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes her and she opens wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. She begins to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause her as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, she feels the tissue give way; pain surges throughout her body and she feels the slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at her concerned and asks her if it's too painful. Her eyes are filled with tears but she shakes her head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but she is now too numb to feel him within her.
After a few moments, she feels something bursting within her and he pulls it out of her, she lay panting, glad to have it over.

He looks at her and smiling warmly, tells her, with a chuckle; that she has been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

She then smiles and thanks the dentist...
After all, it was her first time to have a tooth pulled.

 

[DG Hear]

Sears Catalog

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'

The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

 

[DG Hear]

Schwartz

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he discovered the longest phallus that he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated intact. Your phallus has to be saved for posterity." So with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's organ and placed it in a jar of formaldehyde.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

 

[DG Hear]

The stray cat

One hot July day, we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

She had no name so we named her pussy cat.

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so, and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, the complaining type, said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.

My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El-Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El-Take-O.

The next day, hubby had an appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor (many of our friends and neighbors).

The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" and then he closed the door...

 

[DG Hear]

Wife in coma

When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately.

Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition.

After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was dead!

"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.

"I think she choked to death," said the husband

 

[redpaint]

::: BREAKING NEWS ::: ​

In 2009 the government will start arresting
all the mentally ill people.

I started crying when I thought of you.

Run little buddy, run!

YA gots to hide me man.... don't let them get me

 

[redpaint]

INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS


One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?' The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'

 

[TE999]

A man boarded an airplane with six children. After they were settled in their seats, a woman across the aisle leaned over to him and asked "Are all of these children yours?"

"No," he replied. "I work for a condom manufacturer and these are customer complaints."

 

[TE999]

The Dumbest Kid in Town

Little Johnny enters the town barber shop and the barber whispers to a customer, "This is the dumbest kid in town, watch while I prove it to you."

The barber takes two quarters and a dollar bill from the register, puts the dollar in one hand, the quarters in the other and asks, "Which do you want son?"

Little Johnny takes the two quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you," the barber says, "The kid never learns."

Later, the customer leaves the barber shop and sees Little Johnny walking down the street with a double dip ice cream cone.

The man says "Tell me Johnny, why did you take the quarters and not the dollar bill?"

Johnny licks his cone and replies "The day I take the dollar, the game's over."

 

[TE999]

A lady eight months pregnant gets on a bus and sits down. A man across the aisle keeps grinning at her. She moves to another seat and he begins to chuckle. She moves again and he starts laughing, then she moves a fourth time and he's in hysterics.

She complains to the bus driver, he calls the cops, the man is arrested and brought before a judge.

The judge says "Why were you annoying this lady?"

"Well, when she got on and sat down under a sign reading, ' The Doublemint Twins are coming', that made me grin.

Then she moved under a sign that read 'Brown's Liniment reduces swelling', that made me chuckle.

She moved again under another sign advertising deodorant reading 'William's Big Stick did the trick', that got me laughing.

Finally she moved under a sign reading 'Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident' and I just lost it."

Case dismissed.

 

[DG Hear]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

***********************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.

********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
**********************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
*******************************************

 

[redpaint]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/willow47501/149a68228851a8e2498b7bf4b335621f30d.jpg

 

[redpaint]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/willow47501/c43e2b28edf3485022fad318de323e579c7.jpg

 

[redpaint]

No Invasion in Alabama ........BREAKING NEWS This news just in: All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia , they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama .

 

[redpaint]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting."

 

[redpaint]

A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question, 'How did I get here?' Her mother told her, 'God sent you.' 'Did God send you, too?' asked the child 'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied. 'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted. 'He sent them also,' the mother said. 'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child. 'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently. 'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here.'

 

[redpaint]

I believe the democrats have suddenly developed a keen sense of morality. John Edwards has been banned from making a speech at the democratic convention for having an affair and lying about it.

In his place Bill Clinton will be speaking.

What am I missing?????