Humor Thread

[redpaint]

cause of all the educational e-mails over the past year......

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.



I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.



I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.



I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)



Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.



I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!



I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.



Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.



I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.



I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating In their special e-mail program.



I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.



I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.



I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a Water Buffalo on a hot day.



Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.



Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.



I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.



I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.



I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.



And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.



I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked With a needle infected with AIDS.



I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.



I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.



I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.



I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.



I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their Recipe.



Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.



And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it p robably was placed there by a sex molester waiting Underneath my car to grab my leg.



I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!



Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....



A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.



Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late..

 

[redpaint]

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? (taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)



Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.



A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!



Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.



They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run.



It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.



When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks. "They don't say, 'Hurry up.'"



Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out.



Grandparents don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like "Why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"



When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.



Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us



They know we should have snack time before bedtime and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.



A 6-year old was asked were his Grandma lived ..."Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."



Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!



It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.'

 

[redpaint]

John and Hy were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon.



They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow and were holding up the men's game.



"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" John asked.



"I guess not," Hy replied.



"I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," John said. "Enough is enough."



He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.



"Oh God," John said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask them!"



"Why?" Hy asked.



"One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!" John said, still shaking.



"No sweat," hy said -- but just as he was getting close, he turned around and came running back too.



"What happened?" John asked. "Well, let me tell you," Hy said. "It's a small world!"

 

[redpaint]

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.



The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role-playing.



The following week they met up again to compare notes.



Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"



The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"



The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask."



"Well?!," exclaimed the other two. "What happened?!"



"When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"

 

[DG Hear]

Hey Red, go to that long one that got copied about four times and hit edit and take some of the copies out. Was pretty good stuff though, just didn't need to read it four times. haha
only you can edit it.
DG

 

[redpaint]

Hey Red, go to that long one that got copied about four times and hit edit and take some of the copies out. Was pretty good stuff though, just didn't need to read it four times. haha
only you can edit it.
DG

Yikes Not sure how I did that. But it should be a bit shorter now.

 

[DG Hear]

Yikes Not sure how I did that. But it should be a bit shorter now.

You did good. Some cute stuff also. We must get a lot of the same e-mails from people.
Keep up the cute posting.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

The Surrogate

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and after much deliberation decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long.

Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted !!

 

[DG Hear]

Sexist Jokes

It has long been contended that there are male Jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex Jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. Of course a woman sent it to me.
DG

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall,
exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......

on one condition'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly And meaningfully said...


'Clean my house.'

(YOU GO, GIRL!)

 

[DG Hear]

Elderly Foreplay

Just picturing this made me smile,
DG


The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed; she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.

She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

'Gladys!' he exclaimed.' For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in .... You look like an asshole.'

 

[DG Hear]

LIFE IN THE 1500'S- and stuff you didn't know!

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ..dead ringer..

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

 

[DG Hear]

Rodney

Rodney, a must listen too. Show them to me!
Click on link.

http://www.tagtele.com/swf/embed3.0...umbs/20071026052202446-1.jpg&ts=48bac000&k=50

 

[redpaint]

You did good. Some cute stuff also. We must get a lot of the same e-mails from people.
Keep up the cute posting.
DG

Been thinking that myself. Small world out there

 

[redpaint]

I can't rember if I have posted this one before or not.

The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages.
The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room,which is still under construction.
The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
The National Debt Roomwhich is huge and has no ceiling.
The "Tax Cut" Roomwith entry only to the wealthy.
The "Economy Room"which is in the toilet.
The Iraq War Room: after you complete your first tour, they make you go back for
a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.
The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun
gallery.
The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
The Supremes Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
The Airport Men's Room,where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
The "Deciderator Room"complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice,
coins, straws, and emergency backup plastic Jesus fact checker
The museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's
accomplishments.
Admission: Republicans - free; Democrats -$1000 or 3 Euros

 

[DG Hear]

Doctor's appointment

A beautiful 19-year-old girl goes to the doctor.

He take one look at her and decides he has to see her naked. He has her get undressed and has her lay on the examining table.

He looks into her eyes and starts to rub her breasts. After a while he says, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

She says, "Yes you're checking me for cancer, right?"

He agrees with her and continues on. A little while later he begins rubbing on her firm stomach. And after a while he asks, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

She says, "Um, yes. You're checking my appendices. Right?"

He's getting really hot looking at and touching delectable teen. He can't take it any more and he drop he's pants and climbs up on the examining table. And without a word he mounts the girl and beginning to screw her wildly.

It doesn’t take very long before he blasts off in her in huge passionate surges of pleasure.

Afterwards as he lies on top of the teen's body still inside her, he says, "Do you know what I just did?"

She says, "Sure, you're catching VD, that's what I came in for."

 

[DG Hear]

Norwegian joke

An oldie but I like it.
DG

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It 's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of
your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for
his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole. 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?'

 

[DG Hear]

Li'l Johnny

When Li'l Johnny came home with the news that he'd had sex for the first time, his mother was less than pleased. Slapping him across the face, she sent him off to his room without any supper.

When Li'l Johnny’s father got home and heard the news, he went up to see his son.

"Well, my boy," he admonished, secretly pleased, "I hope you learned something from this experience."

"You bet I did," admitted his son. "Next time I use Vaseline ... my ass is killing me!"

 

[DG Hear]

Overdue

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck, saying, "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell. He's been sent to collect on past due bills owed to the utility company. "Hello, are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know that?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files," says the man from the electric company.

"What're you saying? It's in your files?"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." And she sent the man away.

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull. He rushes to the electric company office the first thing the next morning and confronts the clerk at the counter.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? What for, what if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

 

[redpaint]

The lumberjack
A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack.
"Take your axe and go cut it down!"

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the little man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back...
"Oh sure, that's what they call it now!

 

[redpaint]

Unusual order
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:

$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, -

"You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

 

[redpaint]

Cough Cure
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.

"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

 

[redpaint]

Hot air ballon ride
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

 

[redpaint]

Insurance salesman
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!"

"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."

He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.

"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jone's and this one is Mrs. Johnson's."

"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention -
so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

 

[redpaint]

Smart Dog
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.

The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

 

[TE999]

Microsoft versus General Motors

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the auto industry saying if GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry we'd be driving $25.00 cars that would get 1,000 miles to the gallon.

GM's PR Department countered with the following:

If our company had developed cars like Microsoft developed computer programs our cars would:

1) Crash twice a day for no reason at all

2) Every time the lines in the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car

3) Occasionally your car would stop running for no reason, requiring you to pull over, roll up the windows, shut off the ignition, restart it and open the windows. For some reason, you would accept this.

4) Turning left or right would make the car stall and refuse to restart, reinstalling the engine would make it run again.

5) Macintosh would build a car that was solar powered, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive...but would only run on 10% of the roads.

6) The oil, fuel, water temperature, battery and other warning lights would be replaced by one reading 'This vehicle has performed an illegal operation and will shut down'.

7) The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure you want to do this?' before deploying.

8) For no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out until you simultaneously turned the key in the lock, lifted the door handle and yanked on the radio antenna.

9) Every time a new model of car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10) You'd press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

11) When all else failed and the car refused to start, you could call 'Customer Service' overseas and be directed in barely comprehensible english how to repair the car yourself.

12) Cars would be complicated, not user friendly, frustrating and incomprehensible.

Microsoft was unavailable for comment on GM's statements.