Humor Thread

[Angellica1612]

From Reader's Digest:

A woman comes home to find her husband with the TV remote in hand, switching between a fishing show and an erotic movie. After several minutes of this, she says, "Honey, you might as well watch the erotic movie. You already know how to fish."

 

[DG Hear]

From Reader's Digest:

A woman comes home to find her husband with the TV remote in hand, switching between a fishing show and an erotic movie. After several minutes of this, she says, "Honey, you might as well watch the erotic movie. You already know how to fish."

Loved it and welcome to the humor thread. Please come back and visit and post often.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

In Memoriam

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”


Relaxing Location

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

 

[Handley_Page]

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.


"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see," commented the doctor calmly.

"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued.


"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!"


"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said.

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(Ready for this?)

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(I'm warning you......)





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(Still not too late.......delete now!)






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"You're simply going through the change!"

 

[Boxlicker101]

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.


"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see," commented the doctor calmly.

"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued.


"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!"


"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said.

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(Ready for this?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(I'm warning you......)





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Still not too late.......delete now!)






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"You're simply going through the change!"

Or the change is going through her.

 

[Handley_Page]

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession."

 

[Handley_Page]

Some Grandad Facts (1)

In future, I'll tell my Grandsons that I am older than the Internet and blow their minds all together.

 

[Handley_Page]

proofreading is a dying art

.
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.
It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!
They put in a correction the next day.


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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, really? Ya think?

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

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Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

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War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Oklahoma's new construction program!

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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

****************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

*******************************************

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

***************************************************

 

[DG Hear]

Shampoo Warning

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this our sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.
It's label reads,

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."


Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!!!

 

[DG Hear]

A Believer

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face … ...

Who Will Win?

I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another as an egg. I thought, Now, this could be interesting. ...

A Great Position

One of the less difficult blanks to fill in on our job-agency application is "Position Wanted." One job seeker wrote "Sitting." ...

 

[Handley_Page]

Question: The Ark was built in three stories and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom two stories?

Answer: They used flood lights.

 

[Handley_Page]

My boss phoned me today, he said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I replied: "Oh, yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I replied: "Of course, what is it?"

"Speed it up a little, I'm in the fourball behind you!!"

 

[DG Hear]

Doctor Jokes

Genes

They’ve just found a gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.


Attack

I overheard two EMT volunteers talking about the time they went to the aid of an elderly man. As one took down his information, the other opened his shirt to attach EKG cables.

"Any history of heart trouble?" asked the first volunteer.

"None," said the patient.

Looking at the telltale scars of bypass surgery, the second volunteer wasn’t so sure. "In that case," he said, "do you remember when the lion attacked you?"

 

[DG Hear]

Laughter Is The Soul's Medicine!!

Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________


TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________


TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

__________________________________

 

[Handley_Page]

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true)

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally,they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her Mom's horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her Mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the Mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the f*ck*n' dishes!!'

 

[Handley_Page]

A woman goes out shopping with her husband & spots a pair of boots she likes and simply has to have...

The husband says, "No chance love, they're way too expensive."

Later on in bed the wife is just falling off to sleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip.

She turns to him and says..."I don't think so mate. If you're not prepared to shoe the horse then you ain't riding it!!

 

[SweetMaj]

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true)

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally,they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her Mom's horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her Mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the Mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the f*ck*n' dishes!!'

I love this one, HP!

 

[Handley_Page]

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears the priest come in and says: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!!"

 

[DG Hear]

Good Genes?

The topic for my third-grade class was genetics. Smiling broadly, I pointed to my dimples and asked, "What trait do you think I passed on to my children?" One student called out, "Wrinkles!" ...


You’d die of embarrassment if these phrases appeared in your obituary:

“She leaves behind a brother and 117 cats.”

“Passed away in a failed stunt that has already been viewed more than 40 million times on YouTube.”

“Was always quick to point out others’ grammatical errors.”

“Survived by his parents and his animatronic wife, Elizabot.”

 

[Handley_Page]

She: "I think we should stop eating meat. "
He raises an eyebrow for the rest of the statement.
She: "It's a healthier option and is better for the Planet."

He: "Hang on a mo', we'll have to compete with the herbivores for our food - "
He drew breath and continued:
"and I didn't evolve to the top of the food chain just so I could eat ruddy leaves . . ."

 

[DG Hear]

Usual Suspicions

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

"You’re running around with another woman— admit it!" she demanded.

"What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You’re it!"

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.

"What are you doing?"

"Counting your ribs."

 

[DG Hear]

A Dime a Dozen

While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated.

"Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk. "I’m looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes."

Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, "Take your pick."


Senior Lingo

Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

 

[DG Hear]

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno "


Have a wonderful day and don't forget to laugh often!

 

[DG Hear]

HELLOOOOOOOOOOO, BLONDE JOKES

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

 

[DG Hear]

Received from a friend

IF MEN RULED THE WORLD: TOP 26 LIST

1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

3. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

4. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

5. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

6. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

7. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

8. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

9. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

10. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

11. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

12. Garbage would take itself out.

13. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

14. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

15. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

17. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

18. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

19. "COPS" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

20. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

21. The candle shops in the mall would sell candles that smell like whiskey and beer.

22. Women would have to obtain a license before wearing spandex or short shorts (sorta like conceal carry laws).

23. Women suffering from PMS would be required to wear a burka.

24. Gun racks would be standard on all American cars.

25. There would be a device that automatically raised and lowered toilet seats.

26. 2011 Cloning Act: "Only Jessica Alba may be cloned."