Humor Thread

[stickygirl]

True story
I was getting my hair done and the hairdresser was trying to make small talk over the noise of the hair-dryer noise at the next seat
"Do you work with hens?" she said.
I paused for a moment, trying to figure out the half-heard words and wondering if some feathers had spilled out my down jacket.
"Pardon?" I finally replied over the continuing background noise.
"I said," She spoke a little more loudly."Do you work with hens?"
I was baffled and shrugged pointing at the next chair when the hair-dryer was finally switched off.
"I SAID," she tried again."DO YOU WORK WEEKENDS?"

 

[Handley_Page]

Being happy does not mean that everything is perfect.
It just means you've probably found the right medication.

 

[stickygirl]

A man is dating a blind woman.
On their first time in bed she's coos "Wow - that must be the biggest cock I've ever felt"
"Go on with you - you're pulling my leg."

 

[Handley_Page]

One beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales ..

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress, 'Before we order,
I wonder if you could settle an argument for us'.
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'

The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr . gurrr . King'

 

[Handley_Page]

An Australian ventriloquist, visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi :-

" G'day, mate, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f****g' liar……'

 

[nicecthulhu]

entirely true story, with the names changed

So, a bunch of us are sitting in the dressing room and putting on our equipment as game time draws near.

The captain calls out to see if anyone else is coming as we've a goalie and enough players for two lines, but we'd like one or two more to show up. We're grown men and the ladies may not believe this but sometimes we're lazy and like a good long rest between shifts.

"Albert and Gord are supposed to be here, but I think that's it for today," someone replies.

In walk Albert and Gord at the last minute. Albert has a wicked grin on his face and is carrying his hockey bag and stick, while Gord is empty-handed.

"Gord, where's your stuff?" asks someone. Gord was often injured. A bee sting on his hand kept him from hockey for a couple of months, one summer.

"I'm not playing. I'm injured," replies Gord, sheepishly. Many of us groan, wondering what happened to him now.

"Tell them what happened," urges Albert, in a seemingly friendly manner. He stands back and watches for our reaction as we all turn to Gord.

"Well, I pulled my groin and strained my hand."

The room goes quiet for several seconds, none of us quite believing what we have just heard Gord say. Then the laughter and the ribald jokes begin.

Gord tries desperately to correct his mistake, but it is no use. "I don't mean that! I strained my hand after I pulled my groin, not while..." he begins, but then he realizes he is only digging himself deeper.

 

[Handley_Page]

Wife, by text, to husband at work:

"Windows at home frozen - what do I do?"

Husband -
"spray some de-icer or pour warm water on them"

Wife a few minutes later -

"Done that, now computer won't work at all”.

 

[Handley_Page]

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets, a young
mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her
kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back
of his head and shoved his face into one of the water holes.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother was
running towards them in a panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as she
shook the older boy's shoulders in anger combined with relief.

"We were just playing 'church' Mummy," he said.
"and I was just baptising him.....'in the name of the Father, the Son and
in the hole-he-goes."

 

[DG Hear]

Puns

A Believer

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face … ...

Who Will Win?

I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another as an egg. I thought, Now, this could be interesting. ...

A Great Position

One of the less difficult blanks to fill in on our job-agency application is "Position Wanted." One job seeker wrote "Sitting." ...

 

[Handley_Page]

Before the 2001 inauguration of George W Bush, he was invited to a 'get acquainted tour' of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked outgoing President Bill Clinton if he could use his bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. “Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!”

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill: “I found out who pee'd in your saxophone.”

 

[DG Hear]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".

 

[YoursSINSerely]

A Shoe Story

A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of boots she loves.The husband says: ?”No chance love, they’re way too expensive”

Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip.She turns to him and says. ”I don’t think so mate.If you’re not prepared to shoe the horse then you sure as hell aren’t riding it”

 

[Handley_Page]

In the year 2012, the Lord came unto Noah, and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector About the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbours claim that I've violated the Neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my Back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to Go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power Lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the Passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them That the sea would be coming to us, but they would Hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban On cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I Needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was Confining wild animals against their will. They Argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study On your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to
work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They Insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally With endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 Years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, And a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."

 

[RedMonkeyButt]

I was the resident stallion handler when we bred horses. This little song strikes really close to true and it's funny as hell once you get past the yuck feeling. I give you, The Sheath Cleaning Song, sung to the tune of Hello Mudda, Hello Fadda.

How's it hangin'?
So much cleaner.
Aren't you glad I
Washed your wiener?

I'll admit it's
Kinda creepy
that I had to stick my arm up in your pee-pee.

It was sticky.
It was gunky.
It felt icky..
It smelled funky.

It was cruddy,
It was crusty--
When you stuck it out, it creaked like it was rusty.

After half an
Hour of toilin'
And of squirtin'
Baby oil in,
You're as fresh there
As a daisy.

Either this means I love you or else I'm crazy!!!

 

[DG Hear]

Here are six reasons why you should think
before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that
you could immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by
one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, '
No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy,
with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty
in a while. I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No' .. I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and
I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens
when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a
female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too they were laughing so hard!

 

[Handley_Page]

A very Australian joke:-


Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, having a rest.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael! Look what I have made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."

God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich, powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by God's work, then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah", said God, "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth!
There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket and rugby players, who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then declared, "But you said there will be BALANCE!?"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the load of whining, sheep-loving bunch I'm putting next to them."

 

[DG Hear]

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were:
The story had to contain the following three things:

(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class.

"Good God! I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."

 

[DG Hear]

Good Experience

When a woman applies for a job at a citrus grove, the foreman asks, "Do you have any experience picking lemons?"

"Well," she answers, "I’ve been divorced three times."


With Regular Use

When asked her opinion on punctuality, an applicant for an office job assured me she thought it was extremely important. "I use periods, commas, and question marks all the time," she said.

 

[Handley_Page]

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply:

"I outlived the bastards."

 

[DG Hear]

Crazy Work Excuses

We know you’d never do it, but some people concoct crazy stories so they can skip work. Here are a few, collected by hiring managers:

• Employee said a chicken attacked his mom.

• Employee had a hair transplant that went bad.

• Employee called in sick from a bar at 5 p.m. the night before.

• Employee had to mow the lawn to avoid a lawsuit from the homeowners’ association.

• Employee’s finger was stuck in a bowling ball.

• Employee fell asleep at his desk while at work and hit his head, causing a neck injury

 

[DG Hear]

New Words

There are over a million words in the English language, but we can always use more. Here are some that wordsmiths contributed to the Merriam-Webster Open Dictionary website:

Epiphunny (noun): The moment of sudden revelation when one gets the joke.

Nagivator (noun): A bossy person who rides in the passenger seat and gives directions to the driver.

Phooey Vuitton (noun): A sub- standard, counterfeit Louis Vuitton product.

Wuzband (noun): A former husband.


Hearing Loss

I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.

"Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t."

 

[Handley_Page]

An Arab enters a taxi ...

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel and certainly no radio .........

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: “What are you doing, man?”

The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get out and wait for a camel”

 

[DG Hear]

Drinking Buddies

Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor.

"One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop."

Being Reasonable

Everyone has a right to make money. A sign posted at a local pub reads "Be safe: Don’t drink and drive. But please still drink."

 

[Handley_Page]

A woman was driving down the highway about 140 mph, when she noticed a
motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing Down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 160.

The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a garage looming Ahead. She screeched to a stop and
ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three cops were standing there waiting for her.

Then, without batting an eye, She said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought
I would make it."

 

[Handley_Page]

Dedicated to the Ladies who suffer:

He: "I bought some Olympic condoms today; I think I'll try the gold one tonight"

She, "Why don't you wear the Silver and come second ?"