Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

"Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

"Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"

"Monday."

 

[oggbashan]

Safety Rope

 

[estragon]

A Modest Proposal

From someone, somewhere in cyberspace:

Draft Old Men--and Woemn

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join amilitary unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'mtired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, serial number and date of birth would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side,nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 60...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

 

[Handley_Page]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers? She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other? She looks very closely and says there’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are-my-test-results-back?"

 

[Handley_Page]

While strolling out in the countryside this morning, I noticed my Member of Parliament slip from the bank of the river and fall into the water. He obviously couldn't swim and was struggling to stay afloat. If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.

Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Emergency Services.

It is now 2 p.m and I fear he has drowned, and no authority has yet responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.

 

[SweetMaj]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers? She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other? She looks very closely and says there’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are-my-test-results-back?"

Good one, HP.

 

[DG Hear]

Small Town USA

Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.

"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell."



The true shit starters

Most guys dont start shit.. most women do.. .. Its just us guys that get caught up in all of it...

 

[Handley_Page]

Three men, a Canadian farmer, an Arab terrorist and an American Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie..

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.'
'POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

The Arab terrorist was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF!
Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable. '

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says:
'Fill it with water.'

 

[Handley_Page]

Tablets

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

 

[DG Hear]

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 And heading towards 70 or beyond!

1. Kidnappers are not very Interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, You are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run-- Anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People no longer view you as a Hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex, but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience.

"Good friends are like stars...You don't always see them, but you know they are always there."

 

[DG Hear]

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!
It will save you the walk!

 

[SweetMaj]

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!
It will save you the walk!

I love this, DG.

 

[Handley_Page]

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing, I picked it up, and said:
"Who's speaking please?"
And a voice said: "You are."

 

[DG Hear]

The Lolly With The Little Hole
This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange ..............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.

None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God! They're arse-holes!


The teacher had to leave the room.

 

[Handley_Page]

Teacher: What comes after 69?

Student: Mouthwash

Teacher: Get out!

 

[Handley_Page]

"Son, now you've started dating", said his Mum, "I'm going to give you some serious advice. Don't play with a girl's heart; she has only one."

And her son replied: "OK Mum".

Father looks up from his paper and said: "Play with her boobs, though; she has two of them"

 

[Handley_Page]

Two cosmopolitan ladies were sitting on their loungers on a hot beach.
One turns to the other and says:
"My fantasy is having to men at the same time. . . ."
The other lady was speechless but nearly choked on her drink.
The speaker continued: "One cooking and the other cleaning. . ."

 

[Handley_Page]

Two blokes were talking as they worked upon an old car:

1st: "My girlfrind is getting on my nerves; she keeps hinting to get married and I don't know how to get her to stop it".

There was a pause as the second man thought about it, whilst picking up a more appropriate spanner for the nut:
"Well, when next you go round to her house you might make a pass at her Mother. . ."

He tightened the nut, and added . . .

"or her Father."

 

[DG Hear]

Description: 2 doctors are laying in bed after having sex.

The guy says "You must be an OBGYN because you can work that pussy."

The woman says "You must be an anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a thing."

 

[RedMonkeyButt]

Three men were stranded on an island when they came upon a native tribe. The chief said, "Each of you will go into the jungle and find ten pieces of your favorite fruit and return with them."

The men left and the first one returned with ten apples. The chief told him, "I will now shove each of these apples into your ass. If you move or make a noise, you will die. If you can take all ten of them without moving or making a noise, you will live."

The man took three of the apples into his ass and started whimpering in pain. He was promptly killed and went to heaven.

The second man came out of the jungle with ten cherries. The chief told him the same thing as he told the first man, and promptly began. When the chief had put the ninth cherry in and was reaching for the last one, the man started laughing. He was promptly killed and went to heaven with the first man.

In heaven, the first man looked at the man, incredulous, "You were almost there. Why did you start laughing?"

The second man, still laughing, told him, "I saw the third man coming out of the jungle with pineapples!"

 

[DG Hear]

The Birthday Present

On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough.

"Kids," he said over the din, "if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me."

Our six-year-old shot back: "Too late, I already got you another present."


Hearing Loss

I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.

"Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t."

 

[DG Hear]

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, evenhow to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarkedhis friend.

"Im not bitter. Now that Im so improved, she just isnt good enough for me."

 

[Handley_Page]

'LIFE' THOUGHTS BY 'DUCKY'

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.


Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
(A completely brilliant question)

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -
and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
(Another completely brilliant question)


And remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

 

[DG Hear]

Good Stuff HP. Thank you for being a BIG part of the Humor thread and help keeping it going.

With Respect
DG

 

[Handley_Page]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have give praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath:

"I just want to tell my wife the word is STERNUM."