Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

For the Mrs?

Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.

“Your wife must like rolls,” he said.

“How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.

“Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.”



Money Troubles

I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. “Can’t you live within your income?” asked the judge.

“No, Your Honor,” she said. “It’s all I can do to live within my credit.”

 

[JackLuis]

I wanted to put this in "Quote of the Day" but I couldn't find the thread?


"If you believe that Newt Gingrich isn't a Washington insider, then you probably believe that Bill Clinton didn't inhale." -Mitt Romney

:caning: Bad Newt!

That was Zen of the Day on the Daily Show.

 

[Handley_Page]

Two women were sat together on a park bench, discussing the world.
"You know," said one, "It's so hard for a woman to find men who are good looking, caring & sensitive . ."

The other one interrupted with:
"I know, and those that are already have boyfriends. . ."

 

[DG Hear]

Water

My friend was working at an amusement park when a couple stopped him. “Excuse me,” said the woman, pointing to a pond. “What is that water made out of?”

Bemused, my friend replied, “Two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen.”

“See?” she said to her boyfriend. “I told you it wasn’t real.”


Too Short

The insurance industry loves its acronyms. The first time I saw the term proof of ownership was in a client’s file that read “Insured has POO on damaged items.”

 

[DG Hear]

Just received this from a friend
DG

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES

1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could probably fit another pair of tits in there..

4 - How do you make 2 kg of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

5 - Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

7 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

8 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

9 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

10 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because often women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

11 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

12 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
It's called a Wedding Cake.

13 - Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

 

[DG Hear]

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty joke, two of the female students in the class decided to walk out on the next joke.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of hookers in Los Vegas?"

With that, the two female students stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The bus doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

 

[DG Hear]

I LOVE THIS !!!!! IT'S SAID TO BE TRUE!!!

The IRS sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!!
I guess it was because of my response to the question :

"List all dependents?"
I replied -
"12 million illegal immigrants;
"3 million crack heads;
"42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
"2 million people in over 243 prisons;
"Half of Mexico ; and
"535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

 

[DG Hear]

COFFEE HURTS
>
> I was eating lunch on the 20th of
> February with my 6-year-old granddaughter and I asked her,
> "What day is tomorrow?" She said "It's President's
> Day!"
>
>
> She is a smart kid, so, I asked
> her, "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for
> something about Washington or Lincoln, etc.
>
>
> She replied, "President's Day is
> when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he
> sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."
>
>
> You know, it hurts when hot coffee
> spurts out your nose.
>

 

[ga400us]

*snort*

COFFEE HURTS
>
> I was eating lunch on the 20th of
> February with my 6-year-old granddaughter and I asked her,
> "What day is tomorrow?" She said "It's President's
> Day!"
>
>
> She is a smart kid, so, I asked
> her, "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for
> something about Washington or Lincoln, etc.
>
>
> She replied, "President's Day is
> when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he
> sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."
>
>
> You know, it hurts when hot coffee
> spurts out your nose.
>

 

[DG Hear]

Three mischievous Senior Ladies were sitting on a bench outside a Retirement Center


When an older Gentleman tenant walked by.

And one of the old ladies yelled out saying,

"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said,

"There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said,

"Sure we can! - Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but eager to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said,

"You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,

"How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

 

[Handley_Page]

How many diplomats does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, first, there has to be a UN security resolution demanding a change -- but only if the light bulb can be proved to be burned out and not just in a quantum state of flux.

Second, there should be an increase in the number and frequency of international inspectors and inspections to determine that the light bulb is not just burned out, but a genuine threat to the rest of the world. There has to be a "smoking filament" or else the changing of the bulb would be considered unnecessary since the light bulb poses no threat to world stability, let alone in breach of said resolution by illuminating anything other than it's own space.

Third, there should be endless debate about the ramifications of light bulb change. How do we know the next light bulb will be a more co operative light bulb and illuminate our lives?

Fourth, France will in no way support a violent action in changing the light bulb. There must be a peaceful solution to this light bulb change; violent action is unacceptable.

Fifth, without a broad coalition that supports light bulb change, any action to change the bulb will be considered a breach of the "spirit" of the UN resolution regarding the light bulb.

 

[Handley_Page]

Not exactl humour, but could be useful:

Things for the New Year but, Who knew ?

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For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: Get warm water and put Dawn dish washing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't refreeze. (Wish I had known this for the last 40 years!).

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To remove old wax from a glass candle holder, put it in the freezer for a few hours. Then take the candle holder out and turn it upside down. The wax will fall out.

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Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).

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Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.

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Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S (in the UK, Brillo)Pads, I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. Now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get 'sharpened'' this way!


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Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works every time! (Now, where to put the body?) LOL

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Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks.. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.

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Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely a light scent in each room when the light is turned on. Be sure light bulb is cool before spraying it.

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Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels and linen.

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Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 hours prior to burning.

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To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!

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To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top.

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Spray your TUPPERWARE with non-stick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains. I do this all the time and it works great!!

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Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

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When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

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Cure for headaches:
Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. (I prefer to soak the lime in Gin and rub it on my tongue first) AMEN!!!!

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Don't throw out all that leftover wine:
Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces...
(Left over wine? What's that?

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To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.

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Ants, ants, ants everywhere. Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself. You can also use comet, will do something. Works for me.

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Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.

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When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily. True!

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Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer...
Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush.

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Clean a vase.
To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water, and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.

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Polish jewelry.
Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

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Clean a thermos bottle..
Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (Or longer, if necessary).

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Unclog a drain.
Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, and then run the hot water.

 

[DG Hear]

Years of Romance

Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.

As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.

When he saw me, he shouted, "Are those potato chips?"

 

[DG Hear]

The Right Diagnosis

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”

“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”

The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

 

[DG Hear]

SPAGHETTI

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born..

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

 

[DG Hear]

Good Genes?

The topic for my third-grade class was genetics. Smiling broadly, I pointed to my dimples and asked, “What trait do you think I passed on to my children?”
One student called out, “Wrinkles!”

 

[DG Hear]

Cupid

I don’t know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

 

[Handley_Page]

A newly married husband saved his wife's number on his mobile as "My Life"

After one year of marriage, he changed the number to "My Wife"

After 2 years of marriage, he changed the number to "Home"

After 5 years of marriage, he changed the number to "Hitler"

After 10 years of marriage, he changed it to "Wrong Number".

 

[Handley_Page]

He asked what was to him a logical, non-frivolous question: "Why are married women fatter that single women ?"

And she replied:-
"It's your fault. Single woman comes home sees what's in the 'fridge and goes to bed.
Married woman comes home sees what's in bed and goes to the 'fridge."

 

[JackLuis]

THe M.A.M kit do you need it?

 

[DG Hear]

Sailing vs. Shopping

After we had lunch with another couple, the women went shopping, and the men opted to go sailing. Bad decision—a storm blew in while we men were out on the water.

Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had to climb overboard and shove it back into deep water.

As my friend stood there—ankles deep in muck, muscles straining against the weight of the boat, and rain pelting his face—he grinned broadly and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping!"

 

[Boxlicker101]

Sailing vs. Shopping

After we had lunch with another couple, the women went shopping, and the men opted to go sailing. Bad decision—a storm blew in while we men were out on the water.

Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had to climb overboard and shove it back into deep water.

As my friend stood there—ankles deep in muck, muscles straining against the weight of the boat, and rain pelting his face—he grinned broadly and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping!"

If the shopping would have been for women's shoes or clothing, I agree 100% with him.

 

[CarlusMagnus]

Setting up the computer

He wasn't very computer literate, but she was. So when he finally got himself a computer, he had his wife help him set it up. Once the hardware was up and running, they had to create his master account. The machine asked him for a password. She told him that he should pick a password that he could remember easily so that he wouldn't have trouble getting into his account when the machine asked him for his password.

Being a bit of a jerk, he winked as her and said "penis". He entered the word and pressed return.

His wife burst into a hysterical fit of laughter...

The computer had responded: "Too Short: Entry Refused."

 

[Handley_Page]

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous! Her specialities include men's ailments and dietary disorders specialist.

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional. I have seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."

I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny."

 

[Handley_Page]

After making love, as they lay relaxing he said:
"You don't tell me any more if you have orgasms"

She opened one lazy eye and whispered:
"I don't want to bother you when you are at work . . ."