Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

I absolutely love this thread. Thanks to DG hear for starting it. It's the perfect solution for those frustrating nights when I wake up at 3am and my body decides that 4 hours sleep is more than enough...I can't say that I agree but here I am.

ruby

Thank you for the nice comment. Handley and I are somewhat the backbone of the thread but everyone is welcome to post here. Feel free to add any quip, quote or joke you may find humorous.
Thanks again for visiting the humor thread.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

"My wife left me last Wednesday. She said she was going out for milk and never came back."

"Bugger, How are you coping?"

"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."

 

[CarlusMagnus]

"My wife left me last Wednesday. She said she was going out for milk and never came back."

"Bugger, How are you coping?"

"Not bad, I've been using that powered stuff."

powdered?

 

[DG Hear]

A real Oldie, remember it as a kid

Outhouse

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to
use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the
summer,cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting
on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push
that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little
boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a
large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the
creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after
supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad
replied,"Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you,
wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said,
"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry
tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in
that cherry tree."

 

[eatznfux2]

Outhouse floaters

Unfortunately, my response was censored by SOPA.

 

[Handley_Page]

I think we've seen this one, but I was reminded of it when I saw it again:-


A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition,
he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" ...

... "Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"

 

[dawei]

"My wife left me last Wednesday. She said she was going out for milk and never came back."

"Bugger, How are you coping?"

"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."

I've been drinking soymilk.

I think we've seen this one, but I was reminded of it when I saw it again:-


A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition,
he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" ...

... "Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"

Good one! The more I thought about it, the funnier it got.

 

[Handley_Page]

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?


He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Margaret, put your hat and coat on lassie."

She replied, "Awe Jock, that's nice. "Are ye taking me tae the pub with ye?"

"Naw, I'm switching the heat aff while I'm 'oot," he replied.

 

[JackLuis]

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Bk-sbMMQd9o/TxUAhrZ8znI/AAAAAAAAD0o/EFMBapLK93M/s400/repjesusSCDebate.png

 

[DG Hear]

Hair Remover

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The veterinarian told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she could go to the store for 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month. The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some Nair.

At the register, the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady responds: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady answers: "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

[SweetMaj]

Hair Remover

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The veterinarian told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she could go to the store for 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month. The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some Nair.

At the register, the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady responds: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady answers: "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."

Good one, DG!

Talking about hair remover:

I knew a guy once that used a hair shampoo labeled remove.

Guess what happened to him.

 

[Handley_Page]

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

 

[DG Hear]

Good one, DG!

Talking about hair remover:

I knew a guy once that used a hair shampoo labeled remove.

Guess what happened to him.

Thanks Maj
By the way, I love your butt and that isn't a joke.

 

[YoursSINSerely]

A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm
pregnant."

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has
anything to do with the Second Coming?"

She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one..."

 

[DG Hear]

Good one Sin!


Just received this one from a friend. Thought is sounded quite true.
DG

The Black Bra (as told by a woman) :

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. ...

Here's how it all went:
My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

 

[Handley_Page]

Pet Rules--Memo to the Family Dog and Cat

1. When I say move, it means go some place else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw or nose-print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.

8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.

9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.

10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here; you don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet(s) better than I like most people.

4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, and don't worry about the latest fashions.

 

[DG Hear]

The Logic of Grandchildren

( 1 ) My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


( 2 ). After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,"Who was THAT?"


( 3 ). A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire, it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"


( 4 ).A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather' s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."


( 5 ). I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"


( 6 ). When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure..." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."


( 7 ).Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."


( 8 ).A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."


( 9 ). A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."


(10).My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

 

[DG Hear]

Genius Salesman

A man walked into the bar at a hotel that was hosting a convention of personal hygiene product salesmen. He sat down at a table with some of his fellow salesmen.

Immediately one of the other salesmen says to him: "Hey Bill! We were just talking about you. Your territory sucks! Nobody was ever able to make a living in it before you. But now, you son-of-a-gun, you win the all-expense-paid trip to Vegas three years in a row, selling almost twice as much as anyone else in the whole Southwest region! How in the hell do you do it?"

Bill replied, "Its easy! I take a big engraved silver bowl and fill it up with fresh dogcrap. Next I garnish it carefully with parsley sprigs, celery stalks, scallions, olives and thin-sliced red bell pepper rings. I take this to the airport and set it on a table on an elegantly embroidered white tablecloth. I serve samples on cocktail wafers to all who pass by. As soon as someone takes a bite they usually say 'Jesus Christ!! This stuff tastes like CRAP!!'

I reply 'Yes sir! That's what it is!
Would you care to buy a toothbrush?"

 

[DG Hear]

Black and White

There is a little white boy with an all white family playing outside in the mud.
He rolls around and realizes he is covered in mud.He goes inside and tells his mom "Look mom I'm black."

She says come here. He went and she whooped him.
She said go tell your dad what you did.

He went to his dad and said "Look dad i'm black." He said come here and he started to whoop him.

Go to your grandma and tell her what you did. The grandma did the same thing. He went back to his mom and she asked "What have you learned today?"

The boy said "I've been black for five minutes and I already hate you white basterds!!!"

 

[DG Hear]

Love and Learning

Overheard at my garden-club meeting: “I never knew what compost was until I met my husband.”


One and Only

During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, “You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don’t think I could ever marry again.”

Her friend nodded sympathetically. “I know what you mean,” she said. “Once is enough.”


Winning Numbers

Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger?

A: He’s trying to figure out the combination.

 

[Handley_Page]

This is an old favourite, told a little more recently:-


Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension".

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother". The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what
shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, &held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered.........

"BET YOU'RE SORRY YOU NEUTERED ME."

 

[Handley_Page]

The strident, shrieking young Harpie was doing her level best to dissuade passers-by.

"Save a cow, eat a lettuce", she railed.

Her supports stood respectfully, waving placards upon which were the usual slogans:

"PETA saves the animals" and
"PETA says stop wearing animals"


Two blokes were passing and one said to the other:
"You know, I think people would probably kill fewer cows they weren't made of meat and leather."

They walked on by.

 

[DG Hear]

Your Move

I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, “Let’s make this more interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.


Too Short

The insurance industry loves its acronyms. The first time I saw the term proof of ownership was in a client’s file that read “Insured has POO on damaged items.”

 

[DG Hear]

The Dark Side Of Women...

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent, when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques... She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop.
She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your
husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your new career!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. Show me what you bought."

 

[Handley_Page]

Have we seen this before ?


Jan was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. Jan opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and Jan said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

Jan said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to Jan: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

Jan said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"