how to survive divorce

[somberReality]

I'm going through a separation and impending divorce from a man I'd been with romantically since I was 16. (I'm 34 now.) There are days I'm happy being "single" and other days I miss being with him. Is this normal? Is there anything I can do to help me to move on without being angry with him (he left me though technically it had been "over" for a while) or never wanting to trust another man with my heart?

 

[mansome]

I'm going through a separation and impending divorce from a man I'd been with romantically since I was 16. (I'm 34 now.) There are days I'm happy being "single" and other days I miss being with him. Is this normal? Is there anything I can do to help me to move on without being angry with him (he left me though technically it had been "over" for a while) or never wanting to trust another man with my heart?

I've never been married or in a relationship for more than a year and a half.... If you want things to get better and not dwell in the past, i wish you all the strength in the world...

34 is still VERY young......

*hugs* to you

 

[cele2flowers]

I'm going through a separation and impending divorce from a man I'd been with romantically since I was 16. (I'm 34 now.) There are days I'm happy being "single" and other days I miss being with him. Is this normal? Is there anything I can do to help me to move on without being angry with him (he left me though technically it had been "over" for a while) or never wanting to trust another man with my heart?

I divorced 3 years ago. I'm the one that left, but it was still hard for me. I loved him, but only as a friend, not as a lover. Things just weren't working out with us and I made the big decision to walk. The following 2 months were hell for me. I was glad to be gone and on my own again, but there was a lot of hurt. I missed the IDEA of him, of having someone with me, of not being alone. It was a very lonely time for me. I went through counseling, which helped a bit. I'm sure if I had more friends around, that would've helped a lot too. Everyone kept telling me to "get yourself out there" and do something, but I was too busy wallowing in self-pity and depression. It did slowly go away though. A year later I was happy, felt secure on my own and now, 3 years later (almost to the day even!) I feel more secure in myself than I think I ever did before.

I don't know if this has helped or not, but what you're feeling is completely normal. And don't ever let anyone tell you that this isn't normal or you shouldn't feel the way you do. You have a right to feel any way you want about this!

Feel free to drop my a PM if you want to chat, I've got a good ear (or so I've been told).

 

[kajira311]

It's completely normal

Especially if you were the one who initiated the breakup, and there's no issue like infidelity to make you angry.

I broke up with the only dominant partner I'd ever had in 2002. Neither one of us had cheated, exactly, we had an open relationship which was never a problem. I just couldn't live with what our relationship had and had not become. And I found out it is a LOT easier to go away mad. When you end a relationship that is not working, and don't have one that is, you long for the good times you had with that person and wonder if you will ever find that which you seek.

FWIW, I haven't. But it is better to be alone than with the wrong person.

That's my story and I'm stickin to it.

 

[NippleMuncher]

First, my condolences that things didn't work out as you had planned. After that, there are few of us that have not been in a relationship, long or short term, married or not, that haven't had a hard break-up with a partner. I personally suffered the 10 years it took my parents to finally decide to divorce, all the familial heartache and painm then the years (yes years ) it took for the divorce to finalize. I've also experienced several painful break-ups, though have never been married which most certainly complicates matters even more.

All that I can offer is that you are not alone in your pain, we know what you're going through. It will take time to get your head back together and feel whole again, and hopefully, you'll be a stronger and more independent person for it. That is to say, you really can't be happy and fulfilled within a relationship until you are a happy and fulfilled individual in your own right. We are here for you , via PM or open forum, should you need to talk with someone.

 

[Phaedre]

somberReality, I'm recently separated from my husband with divorce looming after 23 years of being a couple. It was my choice but even so I have good days and bad days and yes, I do miss him. I am trusting that it will get better with time.

Feel free to PM me if I can help at all.

 

[somberReality]

Not doing very well at all these last few days, hence fulfilling my name. There are days i want to just crawl into bed and sleep it all away. I know it will get better and hearing other divorcees tell me that does help me. I think what hurts the most is that I had changed the last 3-4 years and the hubby didn't like the changes. So now i'm not how he wants me to be. Well, you know what? Fuck him. I'm who i am and if he doesn't like it, he can go fuck himself.

Had to vent.

 

[cele2flowers]

Not doing very well at all these last few days, hence fulfilling my name. There are days i want to just crawl into bed and sleep it all away. I know it will get better and hearing other divorcees tell me that does help me. I think what hurts the most is that I had changed the last 3-4 years and the hubby didn't like the changes. So now i'm not how he wants me to be. Well, you know what? Fuck him. I'm who i am and if he doesn't like it, he can go fuck himself.

Had to vent.

Please! Vent!!! And we all change, it's something that happens in life. Sometimes the couple just doesn't change in the same directions. The way I see it, if he can't accept you for you, that's his problem.

 

[DrHappy]

It's a grieving process, just like grieving about the death of a loved one. You'll have good periods and bad periods. Over time, the bad periods will begin to be less intense, and they will be further and further apart. Eventually, it won't feel so bad and I'll be able to appreciate the change. It will be a distant memory. I went through this several years ago and I know the feeling. Here are some things that helped me:

• Excercise: This is probably the best thing that you can do for yourself. It will pep up the chemicals in your brain and you'll feel better.
• Focus on one day at a time. Getting through one day's worth of obstacles is more manageable than trying to emotionally tackle a whole year.
• Realize that your emotions are temporarily exaggerated for the situation that you are in. Think about how you feel about it now, and then think about how you will feel feel five years from now. Which feelings do you think will be a more accurate representation of the situation that you are in?

When this happened to me, I had a hard time imagining myself ever escaping the heartache. Now, my life is wonderful and it wouldn't be this good if I were still in that relationship.

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

Not doing very well at all these last few days, hence fulfilling my name. There are days i want to just crawl into bed and sleep it all away. I know it will get better and hearing other divorcees tell me that does help me. I think what hurts the most is that I had changed the last 3-4 years and the hubby didn't like the changes. So now i'm not how he wants me to be. Well, you know what? Fuck him. I'm who i am and if he doesn't like it, he can go fuck himself.

Had to vent.

I understand what you mean about changing into someone your husband doesn't recognize. I'm not divorced yet. My husband and I have talked about it, cried about it, made up (sort of) and now I'm contemplating it again. It is a huge step you are taking. You are courageous to take the risk to be yourself and that courage will see you through. My thoughts are with you.

{{hugs}}

Ivy

 

[tbon455]

hi somberReality i know first hand what you are going through my ex left me high and dry when i was on hen surgery table if you do a search for tbon45 my old name you will see the people i talked to one that i still talk to from time to time is noor she is a great person and listener. i am married now and very happy with her she has helped me in many ways yes she is bull headed but yet so am i. lol keep your head up and try not to think about the what ifs. if you need someone to talk to jus eamail me and we can talk. be strong dont let the negatives get you down.

 

[Disrupted]

Not doing very well at all these last few days, hence fulfilling my name. There are days i want to just crawl into bed and sleep it all away. I know it will get better and hearing other divorcees tell me that does help me. I think what hurts the most is that I had changed the last 3-4 years and the hubby didn't like the changes. So now i'm not how he wants me to be. Well, you know what? Fuck him. I'm who i am and if he doesn't like it, he can go fuck himself.

Had to vent.

Do you mind if I ask what changes have occurred that your husband did not like?

What becomes of addressing one's dislike for change depends upon the approach taken in expressing those opinions and feelings as well as in realizing the nature of change. (That is, not all things are willing to change, but one has to be ready for it in order to adjust accordingly.)

Take care, and may everything go well for you in that transitional state.

 

[somberReality]

Well, one thing i found out about myself is (and i know people are gonna think i need to be committed to an insane asylum) my craving for blood. Whether this is psychological, emotional, or physical (low iron can cause it) he was unable to handle it. And there were things inbetween the sheets he wouldn't try, blood play being one of them. Along with financial issues spanning 5 years and trust issues on both sides, the marriage basically crumbled.

I changed. I'm more independent and not the "snuggling all the time" type, and he is. It was like i was the male mind and he the female mind. He was looking for more emotional support than i could give once i found out that he couldn't accept all parts of me (yes, the blood craving being part of that) and withdrew what emotional ties i had with him.

Yep, waiting for the "you're fucking crazy" pms now.

 

[cele2flowers]

Well, one thing i found out about myself is (and i know people are gonna think i need to be committed to an insane asylum) my craving for blood. Whether this is psychological, emotional, or physical (low iron can cause it) he was unable to handle it. And there were things inbetween the sheets he wouldn't try, blood play being one of them. Along with financial issues spanning 5 years and trust issues on both sides, the marriage basically crumbled.

I changed. I'm more independent and not the "snuggling all the time" type, and he is. It was like i was the male mind and he the female mind. He was looking for more emotional support than i could give once i found out that he couldn't accept all parts of me (yes, the blood craving being part of that) and withdrew what emotional ties i had with him.

Yep, waiting for the "you're fucking crazy" pms now.

Ummm...no, I'm not going to declare you crazy. Yes, craving blood is a bit unusual and not the norm. But I really doubt that you're going out and hunting people (or animals?) to satisfy the craving either. I have never met someone that enjoys blood play, but have been curious about it. To me, the fact that you're not going out and harming someone else is what separates you (sane) from the insane. I guess I would equate the blood to those people that get into watersports. It's unusual, but it's not deviant behavior.

 

[Disrupted]

Well, one thing i found out about myself is (and i know people are gonna think i need to be committed to an insane asylum) my craving for blood. Whether this is psychological, emotional, or physical (low iron can cause it) he was unable to handle it. And there were things inbetween the sheets he wouldn't try, blood play being one of them. Along with financial issues spanning 5 years and trust issues on both sides, the marriage basically crumbled.

I changed. I'm more independent and not the "snuggling all the time" type, and he is. It was like i was the male mind and he the female mind. He was looking for more emotional support than i could give once i found out that he couldn't accept all parts of me (yes, the blood craving being part of that) and withdrew what emotional ties i had with him.

Yep, waiting for the "you're fucking crazy" pms now.

Admittedly, I do not think that many would be able to accept or endure your "craving" for blood at a glance. (Whether it is something that would merit seeking professional aid, I can only guess.)

Again, communication is vital in being able to understand and address circumstances like that.

What stands out more is your mentioning of "trust issues" and the decline in support between you two. If personal needs, concerns, and thoughts cannot be expressed freely, the relationship gives the impression of individuals who are both on the defensive. That in itself serves as a gap between the couple; something such as the blood component can increase that division even further (unless it was the initial spark).

 

[Recidiva]

I'm going through a separation and impending divorce from a man I'd been with romantically since I was 16. (I'm 34 now.) There are days I'm happy being "single" and other days I miss being with him. Is this normal? Is there anything I can do to help me to move on without being angry with him (he left me though technically it had been "over" for a while) or never wanting to trust another man with my heart?

Yes, I think this is normal. Any major change is going to bring its own trials and doubts. I had two divorces, and although I KNEW I did the right thing, sometimes I'd be nostalgic for the good stuff, and forget the bad for those moments.

Even bad habits had good things to them, or they wouldn't be habits.

I think realizing that it's normal and okay to feel that way, and just let time do its work helps.

 

[Gil_T2]

Not doing very well at all these last few days, hence fulfilling my name. There are days i want to just crawl into bed and sleep it all away. I know it will get better and hearing other divorcees tell me that does help me. I think what hurts the most is that I had changed the last 3-4 years and the hubby didn't like the changes. So now i'm not how he wants me to be. Well, you know what? Fuck him. I'm who i am and if he doesn't like it, he can go fuck himself.

Had to vent.

Venting is a good way to lessen the emotional pain

If you can't be you in any relationship it is doomed, use this time to work on what YOU want in life, set targets to aim for etc.
I was devastated when my marrage went belly up but after facing some dating, finding new interests & eventually finding my now wife right here on LIT life has never been better.

 

[somberReality]

I appreciate all the feedback thus far. Another crappy day, but many good days inbetween them so it's easier to deal with the bad ones.

I noticed depression has been mentioned a lot as of late, and i'm glad the word isn't used "loosely." Because it is an illness and it does have treatments, allbeit not all treatments work for everyone.

The ex and i had a good long talk the other day about what went wrong for us in our relationship. He said his piece, I said mine, and we agreed to disagree. That's all we can do. He sees things his way, I see things mine. Although he did say a while back, he would take me back if i gave "those things" up, meaning things about me. I don't think so.

I've also been casually dating a man for a while. Nothing serious, but it takes my mind off things. I'm able to go see him and forget things for a while. Part of me wants to jump in with both feet and just fall head over heels for him, and it would be easy to do. The other part is scared to death about trusting him. Let's be honest...I don't trust much of anyone these days, not even myself. I just hate feeling like I have no control over anything.

The kids seem to be handling all this well, which I'm glad. I have 3 sons, ages 9, 6, and 5. They all start school (youngest in kindergarten) this coming monday and I'm not sure how to feel about that. They grow up so quickly. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to let them go. They have been my major source of strength through this.

I just don't want to be an old woman alone in her house. I want to be loved for me, all of me, faults and all. I want someone who is willing to wait to make love to me, to make it special and not rush things, but yet still let me know he is very interested and that won't change.

This continues to be my selfish wish.

 

[cele2flowers]

I appreciate all the feedback thus far. Another crappy day, but many good days inbetween them so it's easier to deal with the bad ones.

I noticed depression has been mentioned a lot as of late, and i'm glad the word isn't used "loosely." Because it is an illness and it does have treatments, allbeit not all treatments work for everyone.

The ex and i had a good long talk the other day about what went wrong for us in our relationship. He said his piece, I said mine, and we agreed to disagree. That's all we can do. He sees things his way, I see things mine. Although he did say a while back, he would take me back if i gave "those things" up, meaning things about me. I don't think so.

I've also been casually dating a man for a while. Nothing serious, but it takes my mind off things. I'm able to go see him and forget things for a while. Part of me wants to jump in with both feet and just fall head over heels for him, and it would be easy to do. The other part is scared to death about trusting him. Let's be honest...I don't trust much of anyone these days, not even myself. I just hate feeling like I have no control over anything.

The kids seem to be handling all this well, which I'm glad. I have 3 sons, ages 9, 6, and 5. They all start school (youngest in kindergarten) this coming monday and I'm not sure how to feel about that. They grow up so quickly. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to let them go. They have been my major source of strength through this.

I just don't want to be an old woman alone in her house. I want to be loved for me, all of me, faults and all. I want someone who is willing to wait to make love to me, to make it special and not rush things, but yet still let me know he is very interested and that won't change.

This continues to be my selfish wish.

It sounds like you've got a healthy outlook on things today. You're looking at things realistically, which is very important I think. It's nice to be out dating, but I wouldn't try for anything more than lightly dating right now. I look at it like this: you (emotionally) are an open sore that is trying to heal; dating is picking at that sore instead of letting it heal; if you fall head over heals for someone now (pretty much ripping the sore open), you aren't letting yourself heal completely. I would try to keep it on a "just friends" basis. If this man thinks your worth waiting for until you've emotionally healed, he will be your "selfish wish" come true.

I wish I could give advice on the kids, but since I have none, I probably don't have room to talk. All I can really say is to try not to lean on them too much. I would not be surprised if they are trying to be strong for you. This is going to be hard on them, it may just not have hit them yet. It's hard to say. And I'm only an outsider getting very small glimpses of the inside.

Keep hanging in there! All of us are here for you!

 

[SimpleGifts]

http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/sur/sr1.htm

Read it. Learn it. Live it. It helps.

From one who knows,

SG

 

[NippleMuncher]

I think what hurts the most is that I had changed the last 3-4 years and the hubby didn't like the changes. So now i'm not how he wants me to be. Well, you know what? Fuck him. I'm who i am and if he doesn't like it, he can go fuck himself.

Had to vent.

You are who you are, and you are going to grow and change as you go through life. The ONLY person you should be concerned about pleasing is yourself! Unless you are happy with yourself, love yourself, and enjoy who you are, you cannot share nor feel these feeling for someone else.

If the ex can't deal with your changes, yet you're healthier and happier for them, then you're far better off without him.

 

[Bandit58]

I left my first husband after 23 years, and I have to say that the sense of freedom was wonderful - after I got through the "What the hell am I going to do now" moments.

He was emotionally abusive and I have to say I didn't miss him in the slightest The shit he put me through while we were going through the property division gives me nightmares to think about, but I made it through the other side in one piece.

It's been over 5 years now and I've since married again, and have to say I've never been happier

This is a great opportunity for you to discover you. I did a lot of reading and worked through a lot of the emotional baggage I was left with. My self esteem is so much better too (although I still have my moments). Baby steps, take your time, you will make it

 

[LukkyKnight]

...days I'm happy being "single" and other days I miss being with him. Is this normal?

Normal and natural.

Is there anything I can do to help me to move on without being angry with him (he left me though technically it had been "over" for a while) or never wanting to trust another man with my heart?

Why be angry? It's sad when a dream ends; it's unfortunate when a romance does; it's generally tragic when a marriage ends even when it's the right thing by everybody's reckoning.

The way through it is to spend enough time being you that you know who you are as an individual instead of having part of the definition of your self-image be that you're part of a couple. Make some friends, pursue your passions, and don't by any means expect the first person you date more than once to be what you're looking for.

Eventually you'll probably let somebody back into your heart - most people do.

 

[somberReality]

You are who you are, and you are going to grow and change as you go through life. The ONLY person you should be concerned about pleasing is yourself! Unless you are happy with yourself, love yourself, and enjoy who you are, you cannot share nor feel these feeling for someone else.

If the ex can't deal with your changes, yet you're healthier and happier for them, then you're far better off without him.

You're right. I know this. I've never been on my own before, and it can be very exciting but it's also very lonely. I went from parents to college, college to marriage. This is all new to me and I'm not sure how to feel about it. I find myself distancing myself from everyone, and I don't want to do that. I feel like I'm fighting an internal war. I guess this is part of the process, huh.

 

[LukkyKnight]

You're right. I know this. I've never been on my own before, and it can be very exciting but it's also very lonely. I went from parents to college, college to marriage. This is all new to me and I'm not sure how to feel about it. I find myself distancing myself from everyone, and I don't want to do that. I feel like I'm fighting an internal war. I guess this is part of the process, huh.

We each go through a slightly different progression, but what you've said seems
fairly consistent with what I've experienced and observed.

Human beings are bound to notice change. City dwellers become accustomed to
the sounds of sirens and engines and so on, while those who live in rural areas
might find the smell of urban exhaust more unappetizing than cow manure.

After years of seeing yourself one way, you will surely notice differences, such
as feeling lonely at times. You're adjusting to a new reality, and since part of
that reality is singleness it's normal to choose to explore it, to enforce it by
"distancing" yourself, even if you expect to integrate romance, trust, intimacy,
and companionship in due time.

Hang in there.