How to be Wild

[WretchRoad]

She was no authority, but she might as well let him think that. In truth, most of her practice came from the passenger seat, trading her services for rides. Drugs were a now and then treat, when she could afford them. Or, in most cases, they were gifted by people who simply wanted to share.

Regardless, she admired the vintage lighter for a moment before placing the smoke between her lips and flicking up a flame. Her cheeks sucked in, inhaling until a bright red cherry burned into the end, and she flipped the lighter closed, handing it back.

Ash puffed a few times quick, filling her lungs with the earthy smoke. Exhaling smoothly, she passed the joint to Daniel.

"It's like, citrus. Or something. Really nice, Daniel. Or should I call you Mr. Escobar?"

 

[Knightofsloth707]

Daniel inhaled, held it, then blew the smoke out through the side of his mouth. "Ah, I've already broken rule number one of running a criminal enterprise: don't get high on your own supply. It's all downhill from here."

They passed the joint back and forth a few times, the air filling with the pungent odor.

Daniel could feel the familiar redness creeping into his eyes and the tingling of nerve endings throughout his body - as if someone had cranked up their sensitivity.

The record player in the great room had stopped. Daniel took the last hit and extinguished the joint in an ashtray on the desk.

"Let's find a new record to put on," he said.

Earlier, her hand had felt right in his - like it belonged. Now, without thinking, he held his hand out again for Ash to take.

 

[WretchRoad]

Her hand slid right into his without thinking. It was obvious to her that was how they came into the room, and that was how they should leave it.

The internal debate on caution and need that took up the majority of her thoughts throughout the day didn't feel so significant anymore.

It was more important to get the music going again, to pet Roland along the way, and not to let go until he needed both hands to select another record.

But there was something else, something big she had to tell him because this whole thing was becoming something.

It could wait.

A new melody played through the speakers and she began to dance.

 

[Knightofsloth707]

Daniel released her hand, begrudgingly, so that he could flip through his records. He knew exactly the one he was looking for.

There it is. He slipped the record eagerly out of its sleeve and placed it on the player. Carefully, he set the needle onto the record. A moment later the silky voice of Sam Cooke filled the room, crooning "Nothing Can Change This Love".

He turned to find Ash swaying, her eyes closed as the music flowed around her. She looked more beautiful than he'd ever seen her before. He heart swelled. All he wanted in the world at this moment was to dance with her.

Normally his brain would give him a million reasons to hold back, but the whiskey in his blood and smoke in his lungs held sway.

He stepped towards her, his right hand sliding easily behind the small of her back. Their hips pressed together gently, swaying to the music.

Their hands reached for each other, instinctually, as if drawn together by a magnet. Her right hand slid into his left.

 

[WretchRoad]

A few hours ago, the message would have come through loud and clear.

Now? They were simply two bodies moving to the music, stepping in time as they rocked from side to side across the floor.

His hand was so warm.

She should have stopped him when his hips pressed against hers, but the responsible part of her mind had long been drowned out, leaving behind only feeling. She lived with the rhythm now —until she opened her eyes to find him looking right at her, at all of her, and a cool shiver ran through her chest right down between her legs.

Fuck, she thought.

Or maybe: Fuck it.

In a perfect world, they could simply dance like this all night without any further thought or expectations, but there were always caveats. Needs. Desires that couldn't just let two people move together like they were without it leading to something more.

Her thoughts spun back to those expectations. She lost the rhythm. One step out of time, her foot moved where his was, she tried to correct. To catch herself her leg swung out, hitting the coffee table before losing her balance entirely.

 

[Knightofsloth707]

Normally Daniel would have been able to catch Ash easily and set her back on her feet, but his head was spinning with the whiskey, the pot, and the electrifying sensation of her body against his. When she lost her balance, Daniel didn't notice until too late. He overcorrected and fell onto his back, with Ash landing directly on top of him.

He blinked a couple times, then laughed.

She was breathing hard, their mouths so close that her warm breath caressed his face. He reached out, pushing a strand of loose hair behind her ear, while his eyes searched her face, settling on her lips, softly opening and closing as she breathed.

He cupped her face with his hand, gently stroking her cheek with his thumb, then brought his lips up to hers.

 

[WretchRoad]

Having him, a body, solid, beneath her — it made their desire real. His breath, rising and falling under her chest, tinged with whiskey, it made him undeniable.

She wanted to live in that moment when he caressed her cheek, and closed her eyes, leaning into his touch.

Their lips touched, barely.

Everything dull became bright. All the significance the pot and the drink absconded with came racing back into her thoughts.

Ash pulled away, scrambling back up to her feet. "I'm sorry," she said, pacing backwards. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't... sorry."

 

[Knightofsloth707]

Daniel's eyes closed as their lips met. For a brief instant her soft lips were against his, then she was on her feet, recoiling away from him.

The change in circumstances were so abrupt his hazy mind couldn't keep up. He looked at her in confusion. What did I do wrong? Did I completely misread the moment?

He wanted to say I'm sorry. Or are you ok?

Instead, all he could mutter were meaningless sounds as she backed away from him.

 

[WretchRoad]

"It's not you," she blurted, then wished she hadn't when she realized how cliché that sounded.

She gripped her head in both hands and a nervous laugh erupted from her lips. "I just should have... told you."

Probably when they held hands, and maybe even before that, when she started hoping for more than just friendship.

"And not that it's what you want, I don't want to assume, but one thing always leads to the other so I just... didn't want to start when... Fuck," she let out an exasperated sigh, long and shaky.

"I've never had... sex."

 

[Knightofsloth707]

Daniel sat up, regarding her sympathetically.

"I'm sorry, Ash, I didn't mean to push too far. We were having a nice time, and I thought..."

He sighed and put his head in his hands. "I've never been good at reading signals."

Roland, sensing that something was amiss, trotted into the room at his best pace and nuzzled up against Ash's hand.

Daniel looked up and smiled at the sight of Roland tenderly rubbing his grey snout against her hand. At least one of us knows how to interact with women.

He mulled his next words over carefully. "Do you want to talk about? If not, I understand."

 

[WretchRoad]

"No, no, there were signals..." she admitted, her voice pinching high. "And it's not like I haven't been with anyone, just not like that."

She looked at the old lab because it was easier than looking at Daniel, than watching that sympathy play out on his features. She idly scratched him behind the ears as she thought.

She hated the word 'virgin' for it's fickleness, when virginity was first meant to be something held strongly, then given up. And, as she grew out of her teens among dreadlocked youth and aged hippies, she learned it was something one must get rid of.

"My upbringing was really... religious," she began, then hastily interjected, "I'm not. I'm not saving myself for marriage or something, but that kind of shit does a number on your... Fuck. What I'm trying to say is — I like you, but I don't know what to do with that and I don't want to lead you on. Not when I won't take things that far. Not when I can't stay."

 

[Knightofsloth707]

"I might understand better than you think."

Daniel paused, idly picking at his cuticles. His eyes stared off into the distance. "I moved to New Orleans when I was 24," he said finally.

"Until then I'd lived here my entire life," he said, gesturing at the house.

"I went because I was lonely," Daniel's eyes met hers for a moment, before turning them to the floor. "But I had no idea what I was doing. I hadn't so much as even kissed a girl, let alone anything else. Even just talking to them made me nervous."

"Then one night I met someone. I was in a bar, drinking away my sorrows and she came and sat next to me."

He paused again. "That night I was with a woman for the first time. I guess I didn't really understand the kind of connection that is built between two people when they're together like that. For me, it was too much, too fast."

"The feelings it brought out in me were so strong - I didn't know what to do with them. She became my whole world after that night. We were never meant to be more than a chance encounter, but I fell for her anyway. And when it ended, it hurt both of us deeply."

He smiled wanly. "I know you're leaving, deep down, and if I get invested I'll just hurt myself again. The last thing I want to do is hurt you too."

 

[WretchRoad]

From the gray around his ears and how stricken she was by his features, she would never have guessed his love life could be summarized in a short tale.

Ash came down to his eye level, sitting on the floor just across from him. "Sorry for assuming that's what you wanted. I get anxious about it." The pot had something to do with the rising tide of emotions, but she had a history of failing all on her own when it came to intimacy.

"And thanks for telling me that, it does, actually, make me feel a bit better. That it can be so... emotional. Sometimes I think that's what I'm afraid of. Not the thing itself, but everything around it."

She reached out again, timid, just sliding her hand across the carpet to see if he would meet her halfway.

"I don't want anyone to get hurt."

Because she couldn't stay anywhere for long. She still had nightmares about the last time she tried.

 

[Knightofsloth707]

Daniel took her hand and squeezed it.

"I don't want anyone to get hurt either."

Left unsaid was the fate of the last character in his story - a skinny, self-important pimp named Jimmy Lefavre. A vile joke of a man who had the temerity to lay hands on her, and then ship her away.

On the next full moon Daniel tracked him to a deserted alley and tore his throat out.

"Let's get some sleep," Daniel said. "It's been a long day."

 

[WretchRoad]

It already hurt, knowing she was leaving. She felt it in the way he held her hand, the way he had looked at her when he walked down the stairs, and the way she watched him when he wasn't looking.

"Sleep, right." She nodded bruskly.

"I made your bed, I don't want to take it from you again." Especially not after seeing where he'd slept instead.

 

[Knightofsloth707]

Ash made to turn away, and Daniel put his hand lightly on her shoulder.

"Look, the truck will probably be fixed tomorrow...but for whatever time you're here, I want you to know that you don't need to worry about me doing anything you're not comfortable with, ok?"

 

[WretchRoad]

The contact stilled her, but his promise brought relief. Rather than feeling exposed, she now felt understood. She turned to face him, taking his hand in both of hers. "Thank you."

She was surprised by how much she trusted him right then. He made it seem like her comfort mattered more than the possibility of having her. She just hadn't expected gratitude to feel like loss.

It was inconvenient, she thought as she curled into a blanket, staring at the ceiling of his study, how much she had liked being wanted by him.

 

[Knightofsloth707]

Daniel climbed the stairs to his room, with Roland trudging behind him.

His head was still reeling from all that had happened. He collapsed into bed and threw the covers over him.

The pillow smelled like her, as did the sheets. Daniel found it strangely comforting, somehow. That despite her rejection, a part of her was still here with him. Soon the warmth of the bed lulled him to sleep.

 

[Knightofsloth707]

An awkwardness persisted between them the next morning, but by the time breakfast had been served and packed away, it had largely passed.

They resumed work on the truck as they had the day before, Daniel providing the muscle and Ash the pleasure of her company. After a few hours it became evident that the truck would not be fixed anytime soon and, with hidden relief, they hung it up for the day and retired back to the house.

So began a happy rhythm for the two. Their days were filled with the domestic work of any household - cooking, cleaning, and gardening. The nights with drinking and talking, familiarity shattering the armor they wore, bit by bit.

Roland watched as their anxiety melted into an easy friendship, then friendship blurring into something more. Each day they worked on the truck less and less, until its purpose was all but forgotten.

Ash discovered an ancient piano in one of the rooms. After roughly tuning it, they took turns, playing bits of songs they could remember, or sitting together on the bench to see if, between the two of them, they could produce a passable rendition of Fur Elise

And so they went, the sole occupants of an island amidst a sea of green, content to remain apart from the world. Their lives uneventful except for the brief moments of intimacy they each treasured.

Her head resting on his shoulder. His hand sliding across her back as he passed by. The playful teasing of her bare feet on his leg under the table. Hands clasped together as they walked.

Their thoughts for each other became all consuming. Her smile filled his dreams at night. His scent in her nostrils, making her heart soar. Both trying desperately to avoid admitting to themselves what was happening. Afraid that the dream would shatter if they examined it.

Daniel knew that they would have to wake from their dream soon. Nine times he had added an X to his calendar since she'd arrived, and now only today remained before the moment he had been dreading. When the full moon would slide out from behind the clouds and he would become a monster, just like his father before him.

He was determined to make today special. To cherish what time he had left with Ash before he had to send her away.

He awoke early that morning, threw on a tank top, and padded out to the garage. The truck would need to be ready for tomorrow.

 

[WretchRoad]

Her heart twisted in her chest the second she saw Daniel working on his truck.

The day had been coming, it had been waiting for her all along. Yet, in quiet moments, she allowed herself to rationalize a life with him, tucked away in their little oasis. A life where no one could reach them, where no one would think to look for her out there in an overgrown, forgotten estate, miles away from the nearest town.

Despite her hopes, reality settled a little heavier every day, forming a tightness in her throat whenever she tried to bring it up, leaving whole chapters of her story unsaid without the courage to bring it up.

They couldn’t stay out there forever. Every time she met someone was another risk, another chance to bring her past crashing down on both of them. Daniel had invited her into his world, given her a place to rest — the last thing she wanted to be was the reason his peace came undone. The road had been calling her name since the beginning, she only managed to ignore it for a little bit.

Now, watching Daniel work, she wondered how she was supposed to keep up a stoic façade while he prepared to ship her off and out of his life, probably forever. She couldn’t stand out there without showing him how much it hurt.

Too afraid to speak for fear of breaking, she turned to the only thing that let her say what she couldn’t bring herself to admit. Not next to him on that flattened box, no.

Taking up a seat on the porch in one of those polished wooden chairs, she wrested the narrow instrument from her pack, the strum stick. Strings twanged like a ukulele under her fingers, a soft tune that never carried too sharp or too far. Her voice, raw and untrained, took up the melody.

“Take me back to the place where I first saw the light to the sweet sunny south.
Take me home. Sweet, Georgia rain, Louisiana, you're home to me…”

 

[Knightofsloth707]

Every part and nut and bolt had been checked. Although Daniel was far from an expert, he was as certain as can be that the truck would run now. The work was done. All that was needed was to turn the key and start the ignition.

Daniel listened to the notes of Ash's voice as they drifted down from the house. Could he really go back to a lonely life without her voice in it? Without her laugh or the Carolina twang that snuck out when she was excited or drinking.

To start the engine would be to confirm the end of their brief sojourn. Everything in him wanted to step out of the truck. To throw the keys into the tall grass, run to her, and sweep her into his arms. But she had to leave. She wouldn't be safe when the time came. He hoped she would understand, even though he couldn't tell her why.

With his head hanging low, he turned the key and the truck's engine roared to life.

 

[WretchRoad]

“Way down south, you're home to me…” she drew out the last note as the deep, sputtering idle of the engine filled the yard.

When Daniel looked for her again on the porch, she would be gone.

Tall weeds bent under the soles of her patched up runners. She kept walking, pushing through the grass without bothering to find the path. She didn’t know where she was going, she only knew she couldn’t face him right then, not with her eyes burning and a voice that wouldn’t obey her.

Before long, she found herself back at the graveyard.

The flowers she’d noticed just over a week ago had succumbed to the heat and humidity. Whatever colour they had brought to the place had long faded away.

Ash stood among the graves, breathing through the tightness in her chest. She’d always felt at peace in a cemetery, where the mood was solemn and uncomplicated. No one asked her to be all right. The dead made no demands.

She noticed the single flower.

Her gaze dropped to the inscription.

“Christ, you were only seven years old…”

Then she noticed the date of death on the vault next to it. It was the same.

 

[Knightofsloth707]

"Samantha was my sister," Daniel said softly from behind her.

"She was my best friend, as a kid." He walked over to her vault, resting his hands atop it. His eyes were far away.

"We were only a year apart. She used to take the pictures from the hall - you know, the creepy ones - and move them into my room to scare me." He smiled sadly.

"And this is my mother," he said, fiddling with the dead gardenias atop her vault.

"My father is in the corner," he said, gesturing without looking.

"He was an evil son of a bitch. Mama told us he wasn't always like that. He was charming, once. But I don't remember that part. I just remember his sneering smile. He was like a dangerous animal, loose in the house. Strutting around, drenched in whiskey. The trick was to stay out of his path. Not draw his attention."

"Mama and him would fight a lot. One night it got real bad. He was drunker than usual and it got physical. Mama came up the stairs, bleeding, shouting at us to get in her room. She hustled us in and locked the door. Samantha and I were scared to death. Mama's arm was bleeding and she was trying to grab something to defend us with."

Daniel paused, looking down at his mother's vault. "Father came straight through the door like it was nothing. Samantha, she didn't even have time to try to get out of the way. Before I knew it she was on the ground. I backed into the corner with Mama. I remember his eyes, they were weird, like they belonged to someone else. Well, he came for us and Mama blew his head off with a round of twelve gauge."

Daniel stared blankly at the vault for a long time. When he looked up at Ash, the corners of his eyes had filled with tears. He wiped them gently with the back of his hand. "Samantha was already gone. And Mama, she'd just lost too much blood."

Against one wall a small stone bench, covered in leaves, sat in the mottled shade of a willow tree. Daniel walked to it and brushed off the leaves. He sat and gestured for Ash to join him.

He leaned towards, forearms on his thighs. "The help left before long. No one wanted to stay in the house. Not after that. Only Miss Dupree stayed - the au pair my mom had hired. It was just the two of us for a long time. When I turned sixteen she packed up and moved away."

He looked at Ash. "And that's what I'm doing in this lonely house all by myself. It's probably why I've never had a real relationship. One that lasted, at least."

"I've never told anyone any of this, but...I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to understand me. I don't know," he said, embarrassed and wiping his eyes.

 

[WretchRoad]

The look of horror on her face was absolute. She imagined an accident, a car crash, maybe even drowning. But not what Daniel had told her. Her heart broke all over again for him, for the weight of those memories and the house he still had to live in.

Daniel might not have spared his father’s grave a glance, but Ash stared straight at it, hoping the dead could feel her anger.

Careful not to disturb the solemnity of the moment, she lowered herself beside him.

“I’m so, so sorry Daniel.” She slipped an arm around his side, giving him room to lean into her if he wanted to.

“I can never understand what that’s like, but…” and she wiped a tear from her cheek, “I know what it’s like to have an evil sonofabitch for a dad.”

She paused, not wanting to make this about herself. But Daniel’s silence gave her room to continue.

“I have two sisters and three brothers. I’m the youngest," she began, "We lived in what they called an ‘intentional community’ but really it was a bunch of old houses out in nowhere, North Carolina, with a little church my father built. He was the preacher.”

“All my life, he told us what was right and wrong. Claimed he could hear Jesus Christ himself. At services, he’d pretend to have holy powers, strike people with the back of his hand and watch them roll around on the floor speaking nonsense.” She shook her head recalling that, her mouth pursing like she still felt embarrassed for them.

“My sisters were married off at eighteen to men in the church. They called it love, said it was God’s will. I call it my father bartering bodies. Prudence went to the county Sheriff’s son, both of them members of the church. ”

He breath hitched as she drew in, her accent coming in thicker as she retrieved buried memories.

“I started planning my escape at seventeen, stole a little at a time from the collection plate. Bought a used phone to get on the internet without my dad knowing. Found that goat farm in Colorado offering food and board.” She shook her head, “God I was terrified the first time I stuck my thumb out — but ended up riding with a long haul trucker who coordinated with his buddies to get me the rest of the way.” She shrugged. “Some people can be real nice if you give ‘em a chance, that’s what I’ve learned.”

“Other’s…” Her eyes drifted toward the overgrown grave. “Some can’t stand to lose control. Dad and his most “devoted” tracked me down. When I wouldn’t go back, they started calling in complaints about the farm. Animal welfare showed up. I figured it was time to leave when two goats died from poison.”

Ash looked down at her hands.

“I’ve been running ever since, because, after that — dad claimed I stole more money than I did. Way more. Still got an arrest warrant.”

She shrugged again, as though that was just the way it went with fathers. “Not to say I got it any worse. So maybe you understand me a little better, too.”

 

[Knightofsloth707]

To Daniel, the cruelty of his father was mundane, expected. But the callousness with which Ash's father treated her shocked him. She had lost not only her family, but her home as well.

Looking in her face, he could imagine her at seventeen - a little less confident and a little less world-weary. And then he imagined the kind of man who would be willing to crush such a face, his own daughter, to satisfy his bruised ego. In his mind he saw his father's smiling sneer on the preacher's face.

Daniel swallowed, fighting back the rage that had begun welling up inside him. The rage he reserved for men who hurt women: his father, the pimp, the preacher. Now was not the time to give in to that.

Daniel looked at her, his blue eyes open, unguarded, gazing through hers to see the pain underneath. A look of shared understanding comprehensible only by those who experienced a loss such as theirs.

He wrapped his arm around Ash and leaned in, their heads resting comfortably against each other. They sat in empathy for a while, sharing each other's pain and letting it dispel, at least temporarily, through the contact of their bodies. A moment of quiet understanding while the cicadas buzzed and the wind gently rustled the leaves of the trees.