How do you help someone get over being abused

[kinkybrat]

KB: How sad but true..."It doesn't matter how many times hubby tells me "i'm not him" "i would never hit you" ......he does either of those and i can't help(or stand) the reaction it creates from me. Our minds are made to block out traumatic experiences after they happen because if we didn't we would surely hurt ourselves or others. "

It has been 5 years since I've divorced and at times there will be little things that makes people, who were abused, react a certain way. It takes time but at least you know what the "triggers" are and perhaps down the road you will truly be able to find a way to stop the reactions.

Whenever I "react" my bf says the same things ("i'm not him" "i would never hit you") and passionately apologizes. In the beginning I would keep to myself and/or distanced myself from him and everyone else by going off into the night driving and finding a place to be alone (which was stupid and unsafe of me to do) until I calmed or felt safe again. He now knows what makes me "react" and doesn't shield me from it...he helps me deal with it and go through it and I've begun to realize it's grown lesser and lesser with time.

This thread and everyone here has helped me in a big way and I hope it will for you too, Everyone here is willing to listen and to offer suggestions without passing judgement (which drew me here from the beginning).

We react to protect ourselves emotionally and physically but if it means hurting ourselves or others then do what I did and find someone you can talk to, perhaps counseling, and/or come here to express yourself.

Thank you shadow_dreamer,

I used to do the taking off and driving thing too, that would just lead me to a bar getting drunk and leaving with someone i barely knew......using sex to kill any pain i was feeling.

I know that i just need to talk out whatever i'm feeling with hubby, and i do try that....but, alot of times he just doesn't get it because it's not something he's been through personally. I will definately come here and talk when i need to, it has helped me already to know that i can open myself up totally without feeling like i'm going to be judged. Thank You ALL for that.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thank You Don,

I know a few things (that i've read) from my childhood. I have a learning disablity and had to do evaulations all the time. A few yrs ago i went and took all that paperwork out and read through everything, there were points in some of it that mentioned the people who were evaluating me thought i had been abused by my own father. My HUGE issue with this is that i even went and talked to my mother about it, she thinks nothing happened and went on to admit to me that she had been abused herself by a family member so thats why when we were children she always wanted to know where we were going, who with, how long. I remember NOTHING from before we moved here to MA (i was in the 4th grade).....and sit and wonder why the hell don't i even remember my own childhood? It just all beginning to add up.

When i was going through an extremely hard time (and sometimes still) i've always used sex with people i barely know or who i know will be just awful for me as a way to kill whatever pain i'm feeling at that time. Hurts alot less then suicide.

I will definately get that book, that you for the suggestion.

Oh, i know.....it happens to so many children. In the past month i've heard about it happening to at least 3-4 peoples kids that i know and they were all hurt by close family members.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE OR REASON FOR ABUSE OF ANYONE LET ALONE ABUSE OF CHILDREN IT MAY BE HAPPENING BUT CAN'T BE ACCEPTED EVER.

These ppl doing the abuse must be searched out & made to pay for their crimes.

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

When i was going through an extremely hard time (and sometimes still) i've always used sex with people i barely know or who i know will be just awful for me as a way to kill whatever pain i'm feeling at that time. Hurts alot less then suicide.

I

I used alcohol. I would get so drunk I wouldn't care what was happening to me anymore and for a while that worked really well. It hurt a lot less than other options but I have to say it was in no way less destructive. I do hope that in admiting that you have (and sometimes still do) use sex in that way that you can try and replace it with a more healthy behavior.
If you ever need someone to just listen, please feel free to pm me.

 

[Gil_T2]

I used alcohol. I would get so drunk I wouldn't care what was happening to me anymore and for a while that worked really well. It hurt a lot less than other options but I have to say it was in no way less destructive. I do hope that in admiting that you have (and sometimes still do) use sex in that way that you can try and replace it with a more healthy behavior.
If you ever need someone to just listen, please feel free to pm me.

PM's are an option anyone who comes here can use with many of the regular posters on this thread so if you want to use PM;s please do as the whole idea of this thread is to help all who come here.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Thank You Don,

I know a few things (that i've read) from my childhood. I have a learning disablity and had to do evaulations all the time. A few yrs ago i went and took all that paperwork out and read through everything, there were points in some of it that mentioned the people who were evaluating me thought i had been abused by my own father. My HUGE issue with this is that i even went and talked to my mother about it, she thinks nothing happened and went on to admit to me that she had been abused herself by a family member so thats why when we were children she always wanted to know where we were going, who with, how long. I remember NOTHING from before we moved here to MA (i was in the 4th grade).....and sit and wonder why the hell don't i even remember my own childhood? It just all beginning to add up.

When i was going through an extremely hard time (and sometimes still) i've always used sex with people i barely know or who i know will be just awful for me as a way to kill whatever pain i'm feeling at that time. Hurts alot less then suicide.

I will definately get that book, that you for the suggestion.

Oh, i know.....it happens to so many children. In the past month i've heard about it happening to at least 3-4 peoples kids that i know and they were all hurt by close family members.

Hmmm . . . sadly, your experience was similar for many people of your generation. What happened in the home was nobody else's business . . . PERIOD!!!

So domestic violence flourished in too many places and social mores required that everybody else ignore it. Not good.

Sadly, your mother didn't react appropriately by today's standards. But her "Do Nothing" approach was considered the only reaction at that time. Not good.

Self destructive behaviour is a too common response to stress of any kind by people who have been abused. They think that they have tpo harm themselves to prove that thye are worthless as they have been conditioned. But the fallacy of this logic is that the next morning you wake up with the same problem, plus a hangover headache and lowered low self-esteem.

But things have changed here in Oz. There are a lot of professional people who are required by law to report suspected child abuse of any kind.

The missing childhood syndrome occurs when any traumatic event happens. It is a way that the mind protects itself from a reality that is overwhelmingly unbearable.

I had a friend whose father took two shots to commit suicide in the family living room when she was four years old. It took her literally 50 years to get over it and remember most of the details of that sad evening.

Be gentle with yourself. Now that you have told your mind to remember, it will. Little scraps of memory will float to the surface and want resolution. Take the time to consider them, don't blame yourself for any of them, and then let them go, never to be remembered again.

Indeed, it often helps to say something like, "I have considered this part of my past life and now I set it free, never to be remembered again".

This process may take several years, it cannot and should not be rushed, just let it happen. But also be aware that it is happening, often at the oddest moments. But take the time to work through each incident and release it. Over time you will realise that you have been carrying an awful lot of baggage that has been weighing you down. Be prepared to seek professional advice especially from somebody trained in Bradshaw's methods.

But mostly, be kind to yourself. You are a very special person who has much to offer.

 

[Ladybird]

Question:

After spending many (30) years in a marriage with a controlling, dominating, moody husband, how do I trust someone else? How do I find the courage to move on to a new relationship, when the only man I've known treated me so badly? How do I know it'll be any different? I'm scared, afraid.

 

[peaceharmony57]

"After spending many (30) years in a marriage with a controlling"

My heart goes out to you LB.... Been 15 yrs in mine and for my daughters sake mostly I Need to get out. People tell me, ya just do it.......... Wellll.... I know where you are coming from... I know the fear you are talking about... I wanna be free .... I need to, in order to have any sense of self............... God Bless........

Peace

 

[Don K Dyck]

Question:

After spending many (30) years in a marriage with a controlling, dominating, moody husband, how do I trust someone else? How do I find the courage to move on to a new relationship, when the only man I've known treated me so badly? How do I know it'll be any different? I'm scared, afraid.

Uhmmmm . . . could this be a case of co-dependency??

As off-spring of our parents we learn many of our behaviours by osmosis from our parents.

If a male parent is drunk and abusive, then male children often grow up thinking that it is all right to be drunk and abusive to THEIR partners, just like good ole Dad.

If a male parent is absent, then boys often have no male role models to learn from, or they morer likely pick their own from among their mates Dads. But this scenario is complicated by input from Mother hating Dad and so possibly poisoning the boys relationships with girls or women.

For girls there are similar experiences. If mother is domineering or overbearing, then the daughter will be the same. Remember the old adage, "To see what the daughter-in-law will be like in 20 years, go look at the mother now". It is often very true.

Girls are also affected by the quality of their relationship with their father.

From menarch onwards, girls form an increasingly stronger bond with father. It is a sort of "love affair" with the daughter trying out her flirting techniques on Dad. Now society expects that Dad will be mature enough to realise what is happening and play along without letting himself get involved.

Sometimes that doesn't happen. Sadly, far too often, fathers, or uncles, or other adult male members of the family, take advantage of this normal process of adolescent female behaviour and force or entice or coerce the girl to have sex with them.

This can have a devastating effect on the girl. Confusion, self hatred, self blame are all usual consequences, and they are all inappropriate. The young girl was not to blame for the actions of an adult who should have known better. That is why there are statutory rape provisions in our laws.

Often mothers refuse to believe daughters when they report sexual interference from Dad. It is often too horrible for mothers to think about. There is the total rejection of mother by her partner in favour of her offspring. It can be mind-numbing. And it may have happened to the mother in her youth.

So the confused girl thinks that she has to bear the guilt and shame and self-hatred alone and in silence. If the interference is repeated, and frequently it is, "Don't tell anybody, this will be our little secret", the girl can be quite badly traumatised.

Subsequently the girl may become promiscuious because "If Daddy can do it the I should be able to do it with any of the boys", or even any of Daddy's mates, or even the married boss at work.

In schools girls with these experiences frequently sit up the back distracted from academic work by their emotional problems that their girlfriends are poorly equipped to help. Indeed, many of the girlfriends may have similar problems. Self-esteem drops through the floor and often an unwanted early pregnancy occurs "unexpectedly".

But was it "unexpected"? Probably not. Possibly it was an attempt to get some control of their lives by having something to look after other than themselves. "It happened to me, but I'm damn sure that I won't let it happen to my daughter". Or maybe it was an attempt to escape from the prevailing situation of economic dependence and parental abuse.

Sometimes they get married. Early divorce is a sorry statistic in Oz. Marriages last on average less than 10 years. If marriages persist, then other so-called advanced promiscuous behaviour may occur. Multiple partners, not a bad thing of itself between consenting adults, can indicate an internal dissatisfaction with one's self as well as a high libido.

And frequently abused children of both sexes have a high libido because that way they have some control over their lives. Their ultra-performance in bed means that they must "be all right", even though they feel unsettled. There may be a tendency to "shift the goal posts" when success is at their finger-tips because they have done everything right to be successsful. But success is not sufficient. The pain is still there.

How does a person, male or female, deal with this situation?

The best way undoubtedly is professional help, supportive family members and friends. Talking it out is a common technique. John Bradshaw's Reclaiming the Inner Child technique is very successful. It is a long process, years rather than months, and thankfully very slow.

So, "How do you trust your feelings in a new relationship"?

Firstly, you decide what your boundaries are. Many abused people do not have boundaries because their personal circumstances meant thatthey never learned to establish them. There are some things that are just "off limits".

What behaviours from your new partner are totally unacceptable?

How many chances will you give any partner if these new boundaries are challenged?

Secondly, the present comes in packages called "a day". These are lived one at a time. The past gives us experience. We learn from that. <No point in making the same mistake twice and getting the same stupid result and pain>.

But the future we want comes from the decisions we make today.

 

[Don K Dyck]

"After spending many (30) years in a marriage with a controlling"

My heart goes out to you LB.... Been 15 yrs in mine and for my daughters sake mostly I Need to get out. People tell me, ya just do it.......... Wellll.... I know where you are coming from... I know the fear you are talking about... I wanna be free .... I need to, in order to have any sense of self............... God Bless........

Peace

And "Get Out" is the best thing that you can do . . . for both your daughter AND yourself. Do it soon!!

 

[Bandit58]

Question:

After spending many (30) years in a marriage with a controlling, dominating, moody husband, how do I trust someone else? How do I find the courage to move on to a new relationship, when the only man I've known treated me so badly? How do I know it'll be any different? I'm scared, afraid.

It's hard....very hard......but I told myself, how will I know, if I don't take the chance? And when the other has been through similar things, and both are afraid to say what they feel for fear of being hurt again, it makes for more problems.

Talk......tell him what you've been through. I was lucky cos Gil already knew, because we'd been friends on this and other threads before friendship turned to something more. But we skirted around saying anything for months......me because I'd just had a relationship go belly up and I was hurting big time, and Gil because he'd been hurt in the past. But when we finally met in November last year all the doubts were just swept away. I knew he was nothing like my ex......by the time we met we had known each other online for just over a year and had been chatting most days for over 4 months, with emails and PMs before that.

23 years I spent in a marriage with someone I grew to despise. He was manipulative, moody and controlling too. That first step, to trust someone else, is a biggie. But if you don't take the chance, you could miss out on something wonderful. I'm so glad I took the chance with Gil

PM box is always open, and I know Gil's is too hon

 

[peaceharmony57]

I need to get that CD from TOm Petty... learning to fly.. for my walks!! PerrrfecTT

peaceee

 

[Bandit58]

I need to get that CD from TOm Petty... learning to fly.. for my walks!! PerrrfecTT

peaceee

Hi peace......I thought it appropriate, for me, because I always thought myself trapped in that marriage......now I am "learning to fly", to be me, without fear......*Hugs*

 

[jeffshi]

Re: Thankyou Bandit

It worries me how these scumbage can feel good about themselves miss treating anyone.
I do enjoy playing a MASTER but it is the lady who offers the submission in the game and would never abuse her gift and if the lady I'm seeing isn't into it it's never mentioned and up until an ex askedme to try it I had never even thought of it and as I said it is a wonderful gift that she wanted me to be a part of.
Anything a lady is not happy with should never be done as I wouldn't wan't anything I didn't want done to me.

As I said at times I'm ashamed to be a male.


I wish you all the happiness you desire in your life and thanks for your post.

16 years of hell! oh, my God! it was unbelievable. i'm so sorry to hear about that. i wish it would not have happened to you.
may God bless you.

 

[Ladybird]

Thank you everyone for your resonses.

Truth is my father was alcoholic and he molested me from an early age. My mother was aware but did nothing. But that's history. My ex husband was very controlling, and I think that's the problem. Recently I've come to know a man that I know would like a close relationship with me, but I'm afraid. The only relationship I've had was with my ex, it was abusive, and the only kind I know.

So my question is... how do I learn to put that behind me and look forward, without the fear of similar happening to me again? I want love, I want to love and be loved, but I'm afraid. Afraid of history repeating itself.

How do I make it happen?

 

[kikmosa]

Question:

After spending many (30) years in a marriage with a controlling, dominating, moody husband, how do I trust someone else? How do I find the courage to move on to a new relationship, when the only man I've known treated me so badly? How do I know it'll be any different? I'm scared, afraid.

LB, hun, sometimes we just have to do things on faith. We know that not all men are like our ex's. We know that there are good ones out there (re: Gil, Don, Nostress, etc.) We just have to believe that we can and will find one. If this new man loves you, or says he does, then give him the chance to prove it. Let him show you through his actions if he does for real. Talk to his friends if possible and find out what kind of man they think he is. Watch how he interacts with other people when the two of you are out. Above all else, don't shut him out just because of fear. Tell him of your fears. Don't give up your chance to be happy because of your ex. Don't let him win.

 

[Don K Dyck]

LB, hun, sometimes we just have to do things on faith. We know that not all men are like our ex's. We know that there are good ones out there (re: Gil, Don, Nostress, etc.) We just have to believe that we can and will find one. If this new man loves you, or says he does, then give him the chance to prove it. Let him show you through his actions if he does for real. Talk to his friends if possible and find out what kind of man they think he is. Watch how he interacts with other people when the two of you are out. Above all else, don't shut him out just because of fear. Tell him of your fears. Don't give up your chance to be happy because of your ex. Don't let him win.

Good advice Kiki . . . you've come a long way . . . . . . keep going!!

LB . . . decide what you want and the go for it . . . don't worry about an unknown future . . . start today planning the future YOU want . . . then it won't be unknown, it will be as satisfying as YOU want to make it . . .

And if things unfortunately go awry, always remember Don's Rule . . . the relationship stops when the abuse starts . . . it is time to move on . . . to seek YOUR goals with a person more able to help YOU achieve them . . .

Many of us have survived foul relationships then gone on to find the happiness and serenity that all people deserve . . . by forming a new relationship with a new partner . . . but you can't find happiness with a partner if you are not prepared to start a relationship . . .

Take your time, don't rush . . . grant yourself the luxury of time to consider . . . not just a few days or even weeks but say several months . . . being alone can be very hard, but it is far preferable to being in a foul relationship . . .

Your many friends on Lit will freely attest that YOU have something very special to offer . . . don't rush to throw it at somebody . . . rather be confident that you are a loving person who deserves to be given respect and consideration . . .

 

[Spenser41]

Hi folks

I have posted a few times on here. This has been such a great thread for people who need to unload and get some help.
I have also started a thread called the Sheltering Tree. There is a link at the bottom, but... LOL I have yet to get the link to work.
So... just go to the thread - THE SHELTERING TREE - a place to run to... on the playground area. There you will find people going through real life crisises (like death of love ones, cancer, loss of jobs, etc.) but we use the thread to lift people up in prayer or share encouraging words. I do not share this with you to have leave this thread.... LORD NO!... but to say, let us know your struggles as well, and let us be Trees you can run and find shade in the bad times!

Just think of our thread as a compliment to this thread. And to wrap this up, I just want you to know that I am lifting all of those that come and share up in prayer.

Thanks for all of the fine people who are in this room that have been trees of shealter for those that have been in a life of abuse.
That is the true meaning of friendship.

Bless you all!

 

[Don K Dyck]

Thank you everyone for your resonses.

So my question is... how do I learn to put that behind me and look forward, without the fear of similar happening to me again? I want love, I want to love and be loved, but I'm afraid. Afraid of history repeating itself.

How do I make it happen?

Hi LB . . . was on another site when I saw this . . . it seemed to ring a bell . . .

From August Newsletter www.lovewhereyoulive.com.au

HOT TIPS: How to Get Lucky

Think lucky, feel lucky and you’ll be lucky. Picture yourself as that person that just lands on their feet every time. If you need something it will just be there. So, how do you do this? #1 TRUST. #2 Assume that you are lucky. #3 Don’t doubt. Over come every doubt with a positive confirmation that’ll everything will be just fine and it will be. You may like to try one of Lillian Too’s affirmations “I am attracting love luck and wealth into my life”. I often like to work with the following affirmation “I am the luckiest person in the world”. Try writing it out 10 times a day and see what happens. Always remember what you think becomes your life.



Do Something for Yourself

Do ‘something’ for yourself that will make you feel amazing. Remember when you give to yourself you will receive. Recently, one of my clients decided to move from a small shared unit in the city to a one bedroom apartment down by the water. The rent was going to be considerably more expensive but she’d have her own beautiful space to do as she wished. Within seven days she found her self in a blossoming new relationship with a great guy that she’d secretly liked for ages. Amazing, and now she’s on a roll giving to herself almost daily with just little things. She said “I feel like things are definitely on the way UP.” Good girl!



Why not try and give something to yourself that you’ve been wanting for ages. You may just get a nice surprise!

 

[Gil_T2]

I'm not having a geed day today but am pleased so many have pulled the tread through with their positive posts to all who have come looking for good advice & have recieved it from the others who have posted here, thankyou all.

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

I'm not having a geed day today but am pleased so many have pulled the tread through with their positive posts to all who have come looking for good advice & have recieved it from the others who have posted here, thankyou all.

I'm sorry that you are not having a good day. I do hope that things get better soon.

 

[Ladybird]

I have to thank you all for your responses to my very genuine question.

Kiki, knowing what you've come thru your answers are very important to me.

Don, thank you my friend for what I know is your genuine interest, I shall take the time to read thru the link and absorb what I can.

It's just so hard to trust another when my experience has been other wise. I'm sure I'll get there, but I'm so afraid.

Thank you.

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

Lady,
To me there is a very big difference between being afraid and letting the fear have control. I was very afraid when I first got into a relationship with my now husband. I just had to make the choice to take it one day at a time.

LB . . . decide what you want and the go for it . . . don't worry about an unknown future . . . start today planning the future YOU want . . . then it won't be unknown, it will be as satisfying as YOU want to make it . . .

And if things unfortunately go awry, always remember Don's Rule . . . the relationship stops when the abuse starts . . . it is time to move on . . . to seek YOUR goals with a person more able to help YOU achieve them . . .

I agree with Don on this. If it had come to a point where there had been signs things were going to turn abusive as they had in my past relationship then I would have been gone very quickly. Being hurt again was not part of my future plans.

Good luck and do your best to not let the fear get the best of you!

 

[kinkybrat]

I've learned that i need to trust myself and the life decisions i make.


The other day hubby and I were laying together on the couch and our almost 2 yr old climbed up on us, he was mostly on hubby and he(hubby) put his arm up to keep him from falling off of us. The arm that was under my neck......of course it "had" to go right across my neck and some of my face. NO reaction. NONE.


Then, today i was getting both the kids off the playset in the backyard and my oldest son's shoulder went right into my neck. NO reaction, no freakin out. No panic attack.


I'm finally beginning to understand the whole idea that i *have* to take care of myself first and foremost before i can take care of anyone else even if that includes my family.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

just stopping by

Just wanted to stop in and say "HI" and give a big HUG to everyone while I'm still able to sit wide awake. Still dealing with some other medical problem, pain and awaiting surgery. It's very frustrating but I take things one at a time and very slowly. Life sure looks different when one moves slower than normal, lol.

Aloha to all who joined the thread. Gil hope you have better days ahead. Take care everyone and until next time....


((((((((HUUUUGGGSSS TO ALL!))))))))

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

I've learned that i need to trust myself and the life decisions i make.


The other day hubby and I were laying together on the couch and our almost 2 yr old climbed up on us, he was mostly on hubby and he(hubby) put his arm up to keep him from falling off of us. The arm that was under my neck......of course it "had" to go right across my neck and some of my face. NO reaction. NONE.


Then, today i was getting both the kids off the playset in the backyard and my oldest son's shoulder went right into my neck. NO reaction, no freakin out. No panic attack.


I'm finally beginning to understand the whole idea that i *have* to take care of myself first and foremost before i can take care of anyone else even if that includes my family.

I think it is so great that you didn't have a reaction in either of those instances. I hope things keep going well for you!