How do you help someone get over being abused

[Bandit58]

Apart from the friends I've made on the net only my lover and a couple of close female friends know what I went through. I never told anyone about the date rape that happened until I started having flashbacks a few weeks after I moved out. I live alone and it was so scary, all the feelings of pain and shame and fear came up again and this all happened when I was 18 years old - 25 years ago.

He was drunk and we'd gone on a rugby trip for the weekend (he used to play). I'd gone to bed earlier because I had a headache and so I was asleep when he came into the room at about 2am. I heard him staggering about getting undressed and then he got into the bed and rolled over and grabbed me. He pushed my legs apart and entered me and god it hurt so much.....I tried to push him off but he was too strong and just kept going, all I remember is pain and fear cos he wouldn't stop, I remember trying to tell him to get off but he wouldn't listen. It seemed to go on for ages......when he finished he just rolled over and went to sleep and I lay there petrified and in shock. Why I stayed with him I'll never know.......if I'd broken up with him then I would have saved myself years of grief. But I was afraid even then......of his reaction, of being alone......he was my first boyfriend and the first person to show interest in me, my self esteem was non existent and I thought no one else would want me.

Over the years I thought I hated sex, but it was much later that I knew it was sex with him that I hated. He did a good job of blaming me for my lack of response. When I told my lover what happened to me he was appalled......he called it rape. Once a week I was raped by my own husband. It wasn't so bad in the beginning.......I didn't know any different and when the kids came along I concentrated on them.......but they grew up and I started doing anything I could to avoid going to bed with him, hoping he would be asleep when I finally did.......it worked sometimes......and when I was menstruating that's when I caught up on my sleep because he wouldn't touch me then......I could relax

It took years to get up the courage to leave. Now I see the real person he is......he only speaks to me when he has to because of the kids and last time I went to pick up my son and he was there he didn't even come out of the house. I don't think he knows how to show affection, if he ever felt any for me......in all our married life I never saw his parents show affection to each other. He would never hold my hand or kiss me in public.......the one time I tried he shook me off. I've only ever seen him cry twice......the first time was when his best friend was killed in a shooting accident and the last time was when I told him I was leaving. Too little too damn late.....I didn't care anymore he killed anything I ever felt for him over the years. If it wasn't for the kids I wouldn't bother having any contact with him. Just seeing him brings back all the bad feelings......

ElvenAngel I know that feeling of relief when you finally tell someone what happened to you......I hope you can get some counselling to help you deal with it.....it will never fully go away but you can learn not to let it hurt the same. I haven't had any professional help but I have good friends and a wonderful man who have given me so much love It has only been a few months for me so if I think I need it I most certainly will go and see someone.......

 

[ElvenAngel]

THANK YOU all so much
I am not sure if i have the words to say how much I appreciate your help and support.

It just feels like there has been a great weight lifted to know that you are all out there and that you care.

I am not sure i am ready to talk about t face to face with somone,It is much easier to talk to someone when you can't see the expression on their faces. Hopefully soon i will be able to make that step, Finding this thread, has helped me start down the road towards healing.

Thanky you everybody here not just for your replies to me but for every word that you have written, and for the hope that you have unfailiingly give to so many people. I hope that i can do the same for others and any of you if you need me

And Gil in answer to your original question ' how do you help someone get over being abused' I think you did the best thing you could ever have done by simple starting this thread.
Reading it i can see howmany people have been helped so much by reading and writing posts. you can see it in they way they have changed and grown since their first posts.
so thankyou

last night, after reading everyones replies I sat down and wrote this, this is everything i feel and everything i have felf that i can put into words Here goes...

A single flame teased by a fickle breeze
Glows golden in the thickness of the night
The shadows dance like a wind through the trees
Flickering, subtle brush strokes of sable velvety and light

Cheeks throbbing with the pain on unshed tears
She shivers as the breeze plays with her hair
And chills her fragile body, inflaming her fears
A single tear falls but she does not care

It glows like a drop of pure molten gold
Reflecting candle light, crystal perfection
A gilded cage, what was it made to hold?
A diamond spider’s web of deception

Unseeing eyes, watching spectres of the past
Silently cursing her turn of fate
Can she break free of her own chains at last?
To forgive herself, and relinquish hate?

Fading the flame writhes as if tormented
Transient existence diminished
Shadows dance, demonically demented
Darkness engulfs all, hope is finished

Tears fall slowly at first, gathering speed
But now she weeps for herself, wasted breath
Bittersweet sorrow, nurtured from cruelties seed
A cruel joke of like a sad smile for death

Sable velvet night feathered wings enshrouding
Covering smothering chocking darkness
Surrounding suppressing, night spirits crowding
A smothering blanket of fearful blackness


Thank's for listening, just writing it all down as helped me see alot of what people have said inside me,
now i am going to practice saying
'it wasn't my fault, let it go' everytime i start to remember.

Thank you everyone for leting me see that step to take.
and to everyone, my hope that your own personal demons are conqured wit the help of the good people we have all found here and others in R/L.
Kikki I hope you don't mine if i share some of your anchors do you. thankyou

hugs and kisses
xxx


got to log off now , but i'll be back soon
xx

 

[kikmosa]

THANK YOU all so much
I am not sure if i have the words to say how much I appreciate your help and support.

It just feels like there has been a great weight lifted to know that you are all out there and that you care.

I am not sure i am ready to talk about t face to face with somone,It is much easier to talk to someone when you can't see the expression on their faces. Hopefully soon i will be able to make that step, Finding this thread, has helped me start down the road towards healing.

Thanky you everybody here not just for your replies to me but for every word that you have written, and for the hope that you have unfailiingly give to so many people. I hope that i can do the same for others and any of you if you need me

And Gil in answer to your original question ' how do you help someone get over being abused' I think you did the best thing you could ever have done by simple starting this thread.
Reading it i can see howmany people have been helped so much by reading and writing posts. you can see it in they way they have changed and grown since their first posts.
so thankyou

last night, after reading everyones replies I sat down and wrote this, this is everything i feel and everything i have felf that i can put into words Here goes...

A single flame teased by a fickle breeze
Glows golden in the thickness of the night
The shadows dance like a wind through the trees
Flickering, subtle brush strokes of sable velvety and light

Cheeks throbbing with the pain on unshed tears
She shivers as the breeze plays with her hair
And chills her fragile body, inflaming her fears
A single tear falls but she does not care

It glows like a drop of pure molten gold
Reflecting candle light, crystal perfection
A gilded cage, what was it made to hold?
A diamond spider’s web of deception

Unseeing eyes, watching spectres of the past
Silently cursing her turn of fate
Can she break free of her own chains at last?
To forgive herself, and relinquish hate?

Fading the flame writhes as if tormented
Transient existence diminished
Shadows dance, demonically demented
Darkness engulfs all, hope is finished

Tears fall slowly at first, gathering speed
But now she weeps for herself, wasted breath
Bittersweet sorrow, nurtured from cruelties seed
A cruel joke of like a sad smile for death

Sable velvet night feathered wings enshrouding
Covering smothering chocking darkness
Surrounding suppressing, night spirits crowding
A smothering blanket of fearful blackness


Thank's for listening, just writing it all down as helped me see alot of what people have said inside me,
now i am going to practice saying
'it wasn't my fault, let it go' everytime i start to remember.

Thank you everyone for leting me see that step to take.
and to everyone, my hope that your own personal demons are conqured wit the help of the good people we have all found here and others in R/L.
Kikki I hope you don't mine if i share some of your anchors do you. thankyou

hugs and kisses
xxx


got to log off now , but i'll be back soon
xx

Anchors are there to be shared. That makes them stronger. Your welcome to all of my anchors in any way you need them. And if you have trouble reaching my anchors then here, take my hand and I'll pull you to them. I've been drowning in that river before. Thank God that Gil reached out his hand and anchored me. And through him I've reached other anchors. If my hand can help you reach the anchors then take it. I hold it out to you. Anytime and for any reason. Pm me anytime.
One by one we'll build a wall of anchors until no one drowns in that river. And one day we will so cover the river that it will cease to flow. We will contain it and in the end stop it from being.

 

[Gil_T2]

Beautiful words KIKI

Anchors are there to be shared. That makes them stronger. Your welcome to all of my anchors in any way you need them. And if you have trouble reaching my anchors then here, take my hand and I'll pull you to them. I've been drowning in that river before. Thank God that Gil reached out his hand and anchored me. And through him I've reached other anchors. If my hand can help you reach the anchors then take it. I hold it out to you. Anytime and for any reason. Pm me anytime.
One by one we'll build a wall of anchors until no one drowns in that river. And one day we will so cover the river that it will cease to flow. We will contain it and in the end stop it from being.

KIKI
Lets hope we turn that river into less than a puddle for anyone who needs us.

BANDIT
Your life has been horrid but the life you have now with a loving, caring man is now it should be for every one & hope that you & he can get together on a more permanent basis.

ELVIN ANGEL
PLEASE don't worry about what look they will haveon their face when you tell of what you had suffered as I can't see any PROFESSIONAL thinking anything but sympathy for what you have been through, counciling is hard but essential to rid the demons.Please feel free to PM or email us anytime you need us.

 

[Spenser41]

Hi all. I was invited by Kiki to be apart of this thread. After reading many of my posts, she felt I could be an encourager on to some on here. I have gone back and have started to read all of your stories and in time I will be up to speed on everyone.
Just wanted you to know that I am honored to be asked to be apart of this thread and want to say well done mate to Gil for starting it. I too am a very sensitive man and it boils my blood when I hear of a woman being abused. In my life time I have not only counseled with people but have even rescued a few as well.
I also was in an abusive marriage by my ex, and that may sound bad coming from a man and one day I will share that with you. But just know that I am honored to be asked to visit and I hope to get to know you all.
Thanks again and God Bless

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi all. I was invited by Kiki to be apart of this thread. After reading many of my posts, she felt I could be an encourager on to some on here. I have gone back and have started to read all of your stories and in time I will be up to speed on everyone.
Just wanted you to know that I am honored to be asked to be apart of this thread and want to say well done mate to Gil for starting it. I too am a very sensitive man and it boils my blood when I hear of a woman being abused. In my life time I have not only counseled with people but have even rescued a few as well.
I also was in an abusive marriage by my ex, and that may sound bad coming from a man and one day I will share that with you. But just know that I am honored to be asked to visit and I hope to get to know you all.
Thanks again and God Bless

When you read through you will see you are not alone but because we are guys wedo find it very difficult to plurt out me too.
I worked with a guy who always had black eyes,cuts, scratches etc & we just thought it was him getting drunk &beat up but it was his MRS who was beating the hell out of him he was eventually found dead.... He had killed himself rather than go on.
If only we had known then what the coroner released in his report.

 

[kikmosa]

When you read through you will see you are not alone but because we are guys wedo find it very difficult to plurt out me too.
I worked with a guy who always had black eyes,cuts, scratches etc & we just thought it was him getting drunk &beat up but it was his MRS who was beating the hell out of him he was eventually found dead.... He had killed himself rather than go on.
If only we had known then what the coroner released in his report.

Too many people, men and women both, keep silent too long. And many choose death rather then living like that. I tried suicide three times during my marriage and failed all three times. Once through alcohol, once through pills and even once by trying to make him mad enough to beat me to death. Death is not a solution. Help is a solution. Don't be silent, tell everyone you can. Yes, many will turn their backs, not want to get involved, but if even one listens then you can get help. Divided from all others we're weaker, but united we can put a stop to this evil.

 

[Gil_T2]

Too many people, men and women both, keep silent too long. And many choose death rather then living like that. I tried suicide three times during my marriage and failed all three times. Once through alcohol, once through pills and even once by trying to make him mad enough to beat me to death. Death is not a solution. Help is a solution. Don't be silent, tell everyone you can. Yes, many will turn their backs, not want to get involved, but if even one listens then you can get help. Divided from all others we're weaker, but united we can put a stop to this evil.

Yes if you just post it here it is a start to your healing &we are blessed with several kind & caring ppl who areonly to happy to help anyone who comes here.Do NOT worry about what your friends will think of you because if they are friends they will want to help & understand what you have been through.If they don't they were NEVER really friends.

 

[kikmosa]

Yes if you just post it here it is a start to your healing &we are blessed with several kind & caring ppl who areonly to happy to help anyone who comes here.Do NOT worry about what your friends will think of you because if they are friends they will want to help & understand what you have been through.If they don't they were NEVER really friends.

If after all of this, you feel you still can't talk to the people around you, then talk to one of us. We've been there, we've gone through simular experiences. I won't say the same because it's never the same from one person to another. But we won't turn our backs and walk away. We won't try to tell you what you should have done or not done. All we will do is listen and support you as you heal. If you can't talk to us, then please, go back to the first few pages where people were listing the resources for help and find someone you can talk too. Don't try to hold it all in and deal with it by yourself. I tried that and I almost ended it because of the hell going through my mind. Only through Gil reaching out and supporting me when he did am I still here. I'm not going to say that it's easy or that it will go away fast. All I say is that together, we can make it through this and we WILL survive.

 

[Richard49]

I see from various posts through LIT that so many people have been abused in their relationships HOW as someone who cares do you help them to realise life can and will be better ?

It makes me ashamed to be a male at times.

Women abuse men also
Sometimes it is physical
sometimes verbally
sometimes financially
sometimes emotionally

just say I am someone that knows

 

[Richard49]

PTSD

I run an internet discusion list for those that suffer from PTSD
Though mine is combat related most on the list have been
abused by someone they cared aboutSubscribe:

PTSD_Group-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

This is a list for people that are looking for what works

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: How do you help someone get over being abused

Women abuse men also
Sometimes it is physical
sometimes verbally
sometimes financially
sometimes emotionally

just say I am someone that knows

RICHARD if you read through the posts you will see that there are several males who have been abused on this thread.I know as I am one of them.

When I started this thread I was in the middle of trying to save a lady who was going to end her life due to the abuse she had endured & even though she was free from it the DEMONS were still with her.The result is that this fine lady is still with us& trying to rebuild herself also to realise that she isn't the worthless person that the abuser had made her think she was.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: PTSD

I run an internet discusion list for those that suffer from PTSD
Though mine is combat related most on the list have been
abused by someone they cared aboutSubscribe:

PTSD_Group-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

This is a list for people that are looking for what works

Thanks for thelink but PLEASE email me via LIT with details as I wouldn't like to advise the ppl here to use it without knowing who,how & why first.

 

[kikmosa]

B

U

M

P

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!

 

[Gil_T2]

B

U

M

P

!

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!

!

BUMP....................................


BUMP............................

 

[Gil_T2]

BUMP....................................


BUMP............................

I hope we are bumping this thread because we are NOT needed.

 

[kikmosa]

In many of the posts on here it has been said that it requires paitence to deal with the abused. Please, it may require it for a very long time. Even years down the road there can be times of sadness and pain. A person can go a long time and be fine and be hit in the next hour with memories that they thought had been dealt with. Don't give up on us. Understand that for us it can be just like it was yesterday all over again. But we have become stronger and will deal with it faster then the time before and even faster the next time. We've learn to survive it and will continue to do so. Just keep on being paitent.

 

[Gil_T2]

In many of the posts on here it has been said that it requires paitence to deal with the abused. Please, it may require it for a very long time. Even years down the road there can be times of sadness and pain. A person can go a long time and be fine and be hit in the next hour with memories that they thought had been dealt with. Don't give up on us. Understand that for us it can be just like it was yesterday all over again. But we have become stronger and will deal with it faster then the time before and even faster the next time. We've learn to survive it and will continue to do so. Just keep on being paitent.

Dear KIKI I & all the others who are here for you ARE HERE FOR YOU anytime you need an ear Or shoulder to lean on.

 

[Bandit58]

I still have to see my ex because of the kids.......if it wasn't for that I wouldn't care if I never saw him again. Every time I do all the old feelings of inadequacy come up I try not to let it get to me but just the other day he told me he was going to apply to get child support out of me for our daughter who lives with him. The minimum he can get is $10 a week......he'll be lucky to get it because I'm living on what he's paying me for the marriage settlement plus unemployment benefit. I'm also paying $30 a month to her school for her fees and other expenses. He knows this.....the fact that he even brought the subject up stinks.

I hate the way he can still make me feel bad......it's been almost a year now. I know I shouldn't let him do that......and I do stand up to him a lot more than I used to, but old habits are hard to break I guess

 

[Gil_T2]

I still have to see my ex because of the kids.......if it wasn't for that I wouldn't care if I never saw him again. Every time I do all the old feelings of inadequacy come up I try not to let it get to me but just the other day he told me he was going to apply to get child support out of me for our daughter who lives with him. The minimum he can get is $10 a week......he'll be lucky to get it because I'm living on what he's paying me for the marriage settlement plus unemployment benefit. I'm also paying $30 a month to her school for her fees and other expenses. He knows this.....the fact that he even brought the subject up stinks.

I hate the way he can still make me feel bad......it's been almost a year now. I know I shouldn't let him do that......and I do stand up to him a lot more than I used to, but old habits are hard to break I guess

Dear Bandit please don't fall into his game as he is only trying to drag you back down but you now know he is full of crap & that you are a wonderful MUM,LOVER & LADY who is smarter than he could ever hope to be.
Your success threatens him he is just a looser.

 

[Noor]

In many of the posts on here it has been said that it requires paitence to deal with the abused. Please, it may require it for a very long time. Even years down the road there can be times of sadness and pain. A person can go a long time and be fine and be hit in the next hour with memories that they thought had been dealt with.

Yes, that happened to me last week after I posted. It is like post traumatic stress.

 

[Gil_T2]

Yes, that happened to me last week after I posted. It is like post traumatic stress.

NOOR we are here for you anytime we are needed....If I'm not here please contact any of the wonderful ppl here.

What triggered your attack ?

 

[sweet_little_cookie]

Gil,

You get a big kiss for starting this thread. I'd like to nominate you (and everyone else who's showing such great support) for casual sainthood. It's just like regular sainthood, but you can be alive, and it doesn’t matter whether or not you do the whole church/god thing. It’s an equal opportunity award.

I'd also like to send out tons of applause and hugs to the brave people who've told their stories. You are all SO brave to be telling your stories. I admire you lots.

I was raped twice. I’m barely two decades old.
And for four years I never told.

Being fifteen, and going in to school with fingerprints on my neck and teeth marks on my face exposed me to the amount of ugly there is on this planet.

My mom called me a slut. I didn’t bother to tell her what went on. I couldn’t get a word in, first of all... I didn’t want to admit to anyone that I had any vulnerabilities, especially so close to having had them exploited.

When I finally got the balls (but I don’t have any... I'm a girl!) up to tell my friends what'd happened, one of my best friends decided to try to take advantage...
This guy didn't get as far, because my posture precluded his removing my pants.
Ow.

My trauma was far less severe, but I still flinch when a guy I don’t know tries to talk to me.
I am afraid to be alone (in or out of public) with a guy.
I check the lock about six times a night.

I really can’t imagine how hard it must be for you, but you're succeeding. You're out of hell; you’ve got a great support system, and friends. You’re all damned courageous people. Rock on.

Big cheers to everyone for surviving!
Big BOO's to the cause of our sufferings!

Wow. Reading this really shows how young I am.

 

[Gil_T2]

Gil,

You get a big kiss for starting this thread. I'd like to nominate you (and everyone else who's showing such great support) for casual sainthood. It's just like regular sainthood, but you can be alive, and it doesn’t matter whether or not you do the whole church/god thing. It’s an equal opportunity award.

I'd also like to send out tons of applause and hugs to the brave people who've told their stories. You are all SO brave to be telling your stories. I admire you lots.

I was raped twice. I’m barely two decades old.
And for four years I never told.

Being fifteen, and going in to school with fingerprints on my neck and teeth marks on my face exposed me to the amount of ugly there is on this planet.

My mom called me a slut. I didn’t bother to tell her what went on. I couldn’t get a word in, first of all... I didn’t want to admit to anyone that I had any vulnerabilities, especially so close to having had them exploited.

When I finally got the balls (but I don’t have any... I'm a girl!) up to tell my friends what'd happened, one of my best friends decided to try to take advantage...
This guy didn't get as far, because my posture precluded his removing my pants.
Ow.

My trauma was far less severe, but I still flinch when a guy I don’t know tries to talk to me.
I am afraid to be alone (in or out of public) with a guy.
I check the lock about six times a night.

I really can’t imagine how hard it must be for you, but you're succeeding. You're out of hell; you’ve got a great support system, and friends. You’re all damned courageous people. Rock on.

Big cheers to everyone for surviving!
Big BOO's to the cause of our sufferings!

Wow. Reading this really shows how young I am.

SWEET_LITTLE_COOKIE
First of all you must realise YOU DID NOTHING wrong ppl should befree to go & do as they please without being assulted & I'm sorry but your mum is wrong for putting the blame on you for your being raped.There is no need for anyone to do this because there are girls/ladies out there very will to have sex with almost anyone or they can pay a prostitute as some of them will let rough play happen.Are you getting help to over come the demons still haunting you?

Yes everyone who has posted their own hell needs encouragement as getting it out there is just the first step to finding that there will bea true man out there who will treat them as they should have always been treated with love& respect.I actually draw my strength from KIKIasshe has survived such a horrid past yet is trying to get on top of things with our help, her struggle goes on every day.

 

[Spenser41]

Re: Re: How do you help someone get over being abused

Women abuse men also
Sometimes it is physical
sometimes verbally
sometimes financially
sometimes emotionally

just say I am someone that knows

I am sorry if people misunderstand that my ex abused me physically. She did not. It was more verbally, financially and emotionally. Sorry... did want to clear that up.