How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

One thing that stands out to me isthe courage all the ladieswho have escaped from their abuse show more courage to continue to find that they ARE truely courageous.

I hope you all find that someone special who WILL treat you the RIGHT way with lots of LOVE,CARING & AFFECTION.

 

[Amfig]

One thing that stands out to me isthe courage all the ladieswho have escaped from their abuse show more courage to continue to find that they ARE truely courageous.

I hope you all find that someone special who WILL treat you the RIGHT way with lots of LOVE,CARING & AFFECTION.

Gil, have you read the whole thread? As an issue, this is not about the feminization of victimization. Not a "women's issue" but a people issue.

No need to be ashamed of being male in connection with this issue. Men can be victims, too. And don't worry that you outwigh her by 75 pounds and stand a foot taller. When women get physically abusive they are much more likely to even that score with a gun or a knife. Hell, during the prior marriage I took all the guns from the house and more than once was able to get a little rest (hardly sleep) by jamming a chair under the knob to the bedroom door and securing a wrecking bar to my right wrist with duct tape.

Men do report it less. Simple reason, really. Here wher I live the so-called "pro-arrest" and "no drop prosecution" policies of the law enforcement community all mean that when a 911 domestic call is made, "Some swinging dick is about to go down."

 

[Native Alien]

Amfig,

Can i ask a question of you? and this is my own natural curiosity, so bare with me while i get this out...

do you think that in most cases with female against male DV that there is more mental and emotional abuse?

i agree that this is not a gender issue this is a people issue just like child abuse is not a age issue and where you find one you usually find the other...it may not be so obivous with the children but it is there none the less....

 

[Don K Dyck]

Mental Abuse

Amfig,

Can i ask a question of you? and this is my own natural curiosity, so bare with me while i get this out...

do you think that in most cases with female against male DV that there is more mental and emotional abuse?

i agree that this is not a gender issue this is a people issue just like child abuse is not a age issue and where you find one you usually find the other...it may not be so obivous with the children but it is there none the less....

Hi Alien, don't have any Oz stats on this, but it is possible.

In my own case when growing up there was only mental abuse, but it was sort of "indirect" . . . an alcoholic mother single parent who had suffered from being shoved into a boarding school against her will, shifted from a small family private school where she had been immensely happy, volunteer war service, failed war marriage . . . frustration with self, more than anything . . . the "I have done everything required of me by society, now why hasn't society made me happy and contented" thing. Add in a lot of long hours and hard work, a hard drinking few hours each day between shifts, the hyperactivity insomnia that frequently accompanies thiis syndrome . . . and the child becomes recipient of the "kick the dog" thingy when life gets stressful, or PMS hits, or any other disapppointment occurs . . .

Until he gets physically big enough to strike back and reciprocate the unwanted behaviour. Size allows you to define the acceptable behaviours, but the emotional mania still exists in the parent and words replace fists . . . adults have a much greater control of language than kids, and know how to inflict doubt and emotional pain . . . there seems to be a "I cannot do anything about my own life BUT I CAN control your life" attitude . . . so the child withdraws . . . to escape at the first possible opportunity . . . never to return . . .

There are alternatives!! . . . and there are non-abusive relationships!! . . . but people have to experience these "normal" relationships to learn how to enjoy a "normal" life . . .

So, from hard experience . . . for those brave individuals who want a better life than they currently experience, and who have decided to escape their abusive relationship . . . screw up your courage and do it!!! There is a better life out there . . . go out and build it!!

But also find a reputable personal development development course or professional counsellor to assist your emotional recovery . . . it may not be easy, but it will be extraordinarily fulfilling . . . take your time, only miracles happen immediately . . . allow yourself 12-18 months to equilibrate with your new non-abusive environment before considering a new relationship . . . there will be somebody there when you are sufficiently changed, re-modelled to enjoy your full potential . . . you usually need to have your own head together before you can form a successful, satisfying relationship . . . and the possibility of falling back into a new abusive relationship is very real . . . define acceptable behavioural boundaries and stoutly defend those boundaries . . . don't worry (it is frequently interest paid on something that may never happen) and decide to be happy . . . it is a much more satisfying, fun life

 

[Mr. Dork]

Who are these men who do these things?

I just dont.....its making my head swim reading all of this....

beating women? Rape? Kicking someone who is pregnant?

Ok that last one just.....it almost seems like you all must be making that up. I believe you, i do, its just that....I would give anything....my TALENT, if i could meet a special woman, whose interests and sexual goofyness matches mine, someone who wanted to be a parent as much as I do. Hell, ive looked at my finances to see if I could adopt as a single.....the idea that you a person would ever do that....ever....I just....its inconcievable...i just cannot wrap my brain around the mindset that these oversized boys must have..

I really dont mean to diminish the pain you have felt in your lives, its just very upsetting to hear this.

The first love of my life was Anne, she was wonderful in many ways that I cannot put into words. Anne also had a history that ultimately doomed our relationship. I was the first love anne had known since her divorce. Her marriage had been abusive, which was part of a pattern, she literally, had never had a man in her life that wasnt abusive. Her father who split on her and her mother, a series of Step guys, and even her final stepfather, who died of cancer during our relationship. I honestly believe that Anne did not understand a man who wanted to calm down when he was pissed off. She would pick and pick and pick, trying to get a fight. We would argue, but at the time, it never occurred what she wanted. She never felt I really loved her.

Eventually, one Valentines day, we finally ended it. I cried, and lost her respect. That sucked, but i had a few beers and felt sorry for myself and wrote a screenplay (which wasnt very good, ended up in a drawer) I moved on, and so did she, Marrying the next man she met. I pray that she broke her pattern, but nothing ever told me she did. She moved away with the new hubby, and I havent heard from her since.

I've loved and lost for a variety of reasons, but every now and then, I regret losing Anne. Then I realize that I wasnt there to fix her, I was there to hold her hand, if she wanted to do it herself.

D

 

[Amfig]

Amfig,

Can i ask a question of you? and this is my own natural curiosity, so bare with me while i get this out...

do you think that in most cases with female against male DV that there is more mental and emotional abuse?

i agree that this is not a gender issue this is a people issue just like child abuse is not a age issue and where you find one you usually find the other...it may not be so obivous with the children but it is there none the less....

I do not know whether there is "more" mental and emotional abuse when a male is abused by a female partner. Women who are in abusive relationships are certainly mentally and emotionally, as well as physically abused. While I have websearched on male victims of DV and come up with a lot of interesting links, the mental emotional issue is not addressed directly. Women who are abusers do engage in mental and emotional abuse. I think, and it is only my theory, that a part of the reasoning behind it is to provoke the male. That helps maintain the myth of female victimization-I provoked him until he hit me and now the cops can take him down.

The hows and whats of the abuse are something I don't care much about going into. Took me a long time and a lot of therapy to put those into my past, and I'm happy leaving them there.

Thanks for the question, though.

 

[Native Alien]

thanks for the honest reply there Amfig...

I couldn't find much on it when i searched for it either...

and i know what you mean about the therapy, and the time...

 

[Ladybird]

((How do you live with yourself when you hate yourself? Everyone keeps telling me that I need to learn to love myself. How? I look in the mirror and all I see if a fat slob that will never be anything else. How can I love what I see? I try diets, I gain weight. I try not eating and I don't lose because I'm too damn weak to stick to it.Everytime I try, I fail. It's never going to change. I'll always be the weak-willed spineless slob he tossed away. I hate me, I hate my life, and I hate that I feel this way. And I hate being alone. No one is ever going to want me like this though.))

This is the way I feel each day. This is what I have to fight against. Each morning I get up and face myself in the mirror. Each day it's the same thing. For 16 years that's how I lived. These are the things I was told over and over. *Fat, ugly, stupid, no one else would ever have you, you should feel lucky I even put up with you* Day in and day out. On the days he didn't say these things it was because I was unconsious and couldn't hear them. Years of having everything I said belittled or punished.
How?.......How can I stop feeling this way? I close my eyes and I hear his voice. Four years later and I still hear every word he said, feel every blow he gave me. Please, God, someone tell me how to make it stop. I can't even say the words out loud. Years of being afraid to talk to anyone. I've tried to get help but how can they help me if I can't say it? I try. God knows I try. I have trouble even typing the words. I tried writing them to give the doctors and couldn't even make myself give it to them.
Please, someone tell me what to do. I'm losing this battle day by day.

Kiki my dear friend, I feel your pain, because I know it.

I'm overweight too.. I have been most of my adult life.

For as long as I can remember, going back to age 10 onwards, my mother told me I was fat. She'd make a point of buying clothes for me that were 'flattering', while my sisters wore whatever they liked, because they had nice figures. I grew up knowing I was fat and unattractive. My sisters were often sent away on holidays together, while I was kept at home. I was singled out by my mother as much as she could. She manipulated me in the cruelest fashion.

When I look back at photos of myself back then kiki, I wasn't fat.. I wasn't even plump... I had a lovely figure. I was a very attractive kid, only I never knew it.

Keeping within my comfort zone, I then married a control freak, whose method of control was to criticise me. Guess what kiki... I got fat. Tell someone long enough, and it will happen.

And as you know, the ultimate humiliation occurred to me just a few nights ago..... because I'm fat.

What a lot of fucking bullshit!!

Kiki... we know who we are on the inside, bugger the coating. I know that inside me is a warm and loving woman who gives of herself to anyone that needs it. She's witty, flirty and sensitive. What does it matter if I carry a few extra kilo.

Now... you look inside yourself, and telll me what you see. Be honest, don't be coy or shy... but be really honest. Tell me who you are kiki. Introduce me to real woman, the woman that I see here every day. The woman who is sensitive enough to write beautiful poetry. The woman who has a lovely sense of humour. The woman who cares about other people. That's what I see. Tell me exactly who you are kiki.. show me your love.

 

[kikmosa]

Kiki my dear friend, I feel your pain, because I know it.
............................
Now... you look inside yourself, and telll me what you see. Be honest, don't be coy or shy... but be really honest. Tell me who you are kiki. Introduce me to real woman, the woman that I see here every day. The woman who is sensitive enough to write beautiful poetry. The woman who has a lovely sense of humour. The woman who cares about other people. That's what I see. Tell me exactly who you are kiki.. show me your love.

God I'm not sure what I see anymore. I've hid the real me for so long I think she's permanently lost. For so long I've tried to be what everyone else wanted me to be. It's so dark inside of me. And I'm just a lost little girl that just wants to be found. I don't wanta be in the dark no more. Want out. I feel like I'm beating my fists against a stone wall. Don't want to be alone anymore. It hurts.

 

[Ladybird]

God I'm not sure what I see anymore. I've hid the real me for so long I think she's permanently lost. For so long I've tried to be what everyone else wanted me to be. It's so dark inside of me. And I'm just a lost little girl that just wants to be found. I don't wanta be in the dark no more. Want out. I feel like I'm beating my fists against a stone wall. Don't want to be alone anymore. It hurts.

Sweetheart, I understand what you're saying. I've played roles for years too, and I know how hard it is to break out of them and to become yourself.

The secret is that it takes time.. you need time to reflect and feel your inner self. Don't be afraid of what's there.. but welcome it, and explore it.

You know that deep inside you're a warm and loving woman. I know it too.. I've seen that in you many times here at Lit. So explore that part of yourself first.. then other bits will emerge for you to look at.

Don't look at the whole honey... just at small pieces. Treat it as a jigsaw puzzle... and before you know it, all of the pieces will fit together.

 

[Native Alien]

Ladybird that is such sound advice....

Kikmosa...i know how hard it is to face a long night alone...really i

do...but there is one thing that you need to remember above all else, and that is there is always light in the morning. You are such a warm, wonderful person. So giving, and caring with your friends. Just give yourself the time that you need to find you. It will happen honest it will...

 

[Amfig]

Ladybird that is such sound advice....

Kikmosa...i know how hard it is to face a long night alone...really i

do...but there is one thing that you need to remember above all else, and that is there is always light in the morning. You are such a warm, wonderful person. So giving, and caring with your friends. Just give yourself the time that you need to find you. It will happen honest it will...

Friends is a very important point. While I was in the relationship I drank a hell of a lot to endure it. About a year before I got out of the relationship, I joined AA and quit drinking. AA gave me a network of friends who supported bothe sobriety and sanity. I hung out with one of my AA friends on weekends for the better part of a year, working on a project (we built a boat) together.

I didn't date, or even worry about it. But I hung out a lot with friends who supported me emotionally.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Friends in Deed . . .

Friends is a very important point. While I was in the relationship I drank a hell of a lot to endure it. About a year before I got out of the relationship, I joined AA and quit drinking. AA gave me a network of friends who supported bothe sobriety and sanity. I hung out with one of my AA friends on weekends for the better part of a year, working on a project (we built a boat) together.

I didn't date, or even worry about it. But I hung out a lot with friends who supported me emotionally.

Geez, that would have been a lot easier than doing it solo, Amfig . . . I found that Al-Anon was a great help after some four years . . . wish I had found ir earlier, but . . . better late than never . . . bit of a story there . . .

The only trouble with drinking is that the following morning you STILL have the same problem PLUS a bonus hangover to make life harder . . . a bit self destructive for me . . .

Al-Anon is in every city, check your telephone book . . . the only requirement is that you have been affected by the behaviour on an alcoholic family member or "friend" . . . a very valuable and effective programme . . .

 

[Gil_T2]

Kiki my dear friend, I feel your pain, because I know it.

I'm overweight too.. I have been most of my adult life.

For as long as I can remember, going back to age 10 onwards, my mother told me I was fat. She'd make a point of buying clothes for me that were 'flattering', while my sisters wore whatever they liked, because they had nice figures. I grew up knowing I was fat and unattractive. My sisters were often sent away on holidays together, while I was kept at home. I was singled out by my mother as much as she could. She manipulated me in the cruelest fashion.

When I look back at photos of myself back then kiki, I wasn't fat.. I wasn't even plump... I had a lovely figure. I was a very attractive kid, only I never knew it.

Keeping within my comfort zone, I then married a control freak, whose method of control was to criticise me. Guess what kiki... I got fat. Tell someone long enough, and it will happen.

And as you know, the ultimate humiliation occurred to me just a few nights ago..... because I'm fat.

What a lot of fucking bullshit!!

Kiki... we know who we are on the inside, bugger the coating. I know that inside me is a warm and loving woman who gives of herself to anyone that needs it. She's witty, flirty and sensitive. What does it matter if I carry a few extra kilo.

Now... you look inside yourself, and telll me what you see. Be honest, don't be coy or shy... but be really honest. Tell me who you are kiki. Introduce me to real woman, the woman that I see here every day. The woman who is sensitive enough to write beautiful poetry. The woman who has a lovely sense of humour. The woman who cares about other people. That's what I see. Tell me exactly who you are kiki.. show me your love.

LADYBIRD....As someone who has had the pleasure to have met you in person there is no way you could be described as UNATTRACTIVE yes you do carry a few extra kilo's but it is because you have such a big heart a tiny body would colapse tring to carry such a big kind heart.
As usual you have given us your heart felt thoughts here to let a friend know that she like you are very special people.

KIKI.....All you have to be is the wonderful lady you are, you have the ability to write wonderful stories & your poems are fantastic too.....Just as fantastic as the lady who has overcome so much that most people would have crumbled under, I'm sure R/L will advance to where you can love and trust again.

 

[Amfig]

Re: Friends in Deed . . .

The only trouble with drinking is that the following morning you STILL have the same problem PLUS a bonus hangover to make life harder . . . a bit self destructive for me . . .

Yeah, drinking to excess is a hell of a way to live. Don't recommend it to anyone. Great way to anesthetize oneself beyond feeling, but when you quit, you gotta feel it all.

Don't really recommend any 12 step program for anyone who doesn't need it. Friends are where you find them. Church. Therapy groups. Work. Yacht club. Wherever. But hang out with people who are willing to love you and recovery from the abusiveness is easier.

 

[Native Alien]

i know one thing for sure, and that one thing is that we can't do it all alone...Kikmosa, if nothing else call your local hospital and ask what support groups they host or are associated with.

you will be amazed at what you find...while i agree with Amfig on the fact that the 12 steppers aren't for everyone ( i was one of them that it wasn't for) they usually have a good idea of what other programs and groups are in their area.

another thing is a surivivor's group...it may sound crazy, but they have all survived one kind of serious abuse or another. i know that without the help of likeminded friends and some family, i wouldn't have made it this far...

and time, always time, a long time, and nothing is going to undo what has been done overnight....

 

[Ladybird]

LADYBIRD....As someone who has had the pleasure to have met you in person there is no way you could be described as UNATTRACTIVE yes you do carry a few extra kilo's but it is because you have such a big heart a tiny body would colapse tring to carry such a big kind heart.
As usual you have given us your heart felt thoughts here to let a friend know that she like you are very special people.

Gil, I think those are the sweetest and kindest words that have ever been used to describe me.

Thank you so much my friend, it's people like you that make my heart swell....... with love.

 

[Gil_T2]

Gil, I think those are the sweetest and kindest words that have ever been used to describe me.

Thank you so much my friend, it's people like you that make my heart swell....... with love.

Just telling it as I see it ! and I'm sure there are plenty who agree with me.

 

[Ladybird]

This is something that was sent to me several months ago. It helped me see things a lot more clearly, and to let go of a lot of baggage. I hope that it can do the same for some of the other victims of abuse that post on this thread.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

~o~ One old love she can imagine going back to...

and one who reminds her how far she has come...

~o~ Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to.

~o~ Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

~o~ A youth she's content to leave behind...

~o~ A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...

~o~ A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

~o~ One friend who always makes her laugh….

.. and one who lets her cry.

~o~ A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.

~o~ Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honoured..

~o~ A feeling of control over her destiny.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

~o~ How to fall in love without losing herself.

~o~ How to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

~o~ When to try harder... and when to walk away...

~o~ That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips,
or the nature of her parents...

~o~ That her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...

~o~ What she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

~o~ How to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

~o~ ...whom she can trust, whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

~o~ Where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods... when her soul needs soothing...

~o~ What she can and can't accomplish in a day...a month...and a year...

~o~ Good friends are like stars....you don't always see them, but you know they are always there.


Apologies to the gents here, but perhaps one of you could rework this from a male point of view...

 

[Gil_T2]

THIS THREAD IS TO IMPORTANT TO LET DIE

so here is a gentle


BUMP


To keep it up there

 

[Bandit58]

When I heard this song I thought of this thread -

Never Again - Nickelback

He's drunk again
It's time to fight
She must have done
Something wrong tonight
The living room
Becomes a boxing ring
It's time to run
When you see him
Clenching his hands
She's just a woman
Never again
I hear her scream
From down the hall
Amazing she can
Even talk at all
She cries to me
Go back to bed
I'm terrified that
She'll wind up
Dead in his hands
She's just a woman
Never again

Been there before
But not like this
Seen it before
But not like this
Never before
Have I ever
Seen it this bad
She's just a woman
Never again

Just tell the nurse
You slipped and fell
It starts to sting
As it starts to swell
She looks at you
She wants the truth
It's right out there
In the waiting room
With those hands
Lookin' just
As sweet as he can
Never again

Seen it before
But not like this
Been there before
But not like this
Never before
Have I ever
Seen it this bad
She's just a woman
Never again

Father's a name
You haven't earned yet
You're just a child
With a temper
Haven't you heard
"Don't hit a lady"?
Kickin' your ass
Would be a pleasure

He's drunk again
It's time to fight
Same old shit
Just on a different night
She grabs the gun
She's had enough
Tonight she'll find out
How fucking
Tough is this man
Pulls the trigger
Just as fast as she can
Never again

Seen it before
But not like this
Been there before
But not like this
Never before
Have I ever
Seen it this bad
She's just a woman
Never again

 

[Native Alien]

Thank you all very much for the poems and the songs...

yes, it is sad to think that in this day and age we are all still talking about this as an issue.

just remember that abuse doesn't have to be physical, there is emotional and mental abuse too, and most of the time the people that are being abused this way are the ones that we least see. so if someone you care about is acting a little strange check and make sure that they are not being abused. listen when they talk and offer somewhere that they can spend a few quiet hours and sort themselves out....

sometimes the greatest thing that we can give is ourselves to help others.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thank you all very much for the poems and the songs...

yes, it is sad to think that in this day and age we are all still talking about this as an issue.

just remember that abuse doesn't have to be physical, there is emotional and mental abuse too, and most of the time the people that are being abused this way are the ones that we least see. so if someone you care about is acting a little strange check and make sure that they are not being abused. listen when they talk and offer somewhere that they can spend a few quiet hours and sort themselves out....

sometimes the greatest thing that we can give is ourselves to help others.

Well said NA if we can help others our own existance will be greatly rewarded which will beenough for us to feel happy with.
I'm sure there have been abusers rigth through history and sad to say they will continue to exist in our future but we can make their FUN less enjoyable by adding pressure to increase penalities for those that continue to carry on in this horrid way.

 

[UCE]

Are you THE Dream?

Psst! Are you the Dream that _I_ used to know, Dream? I don't want to presume, but the darling sig line reminds me a lot of the Dream I used to know.

Unda

Sweetheart ,,I am here for you ,

 

[UCE]

This is a long thread and I haven't read it all so forgive me if I repeat something said a lot already. Dealing with people who have been abused is very tough. Of all the traits people have mentioned that you need to practice, I think patience is the most important one, because it can take a very long time, years, for somebody to heal as much as they're going to heal from that type of treatment. And until they heal, they're going to act like abused people act, which is often irrational and often difficult even for the ones closest to them.