How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

BUMP

 

[Tatianis]

Been there also

My first marriage was not a happy one. His mental abuse started long before the physical, and I did not even realize it. He started by isolating me, running off my friends, being extremely jealous, up to the point i was afraid to say hi to guys that I had known my entire life. We started dating when I was 16, I thought his jealousy was just his way of making sure i was his completely and like most young girls, i was not all that bright in the ways relationships.

After we married, things just went down hill, I could not take the car to the grocery store, or anywhere else without him. I guess he was afraid that I would run off.
After we found out I was pregnant, I was so happy. I told him and he slapped me across the face, threw tea all ove me, and tried to puch me down the stairs. Luckily for me he did not succeed. I thought it was the end of it,because he did not do anything again until I was 5 months pregnant. he was throwing a party and one of his friends was being extremely rude. I told him to leave and then my ex, slammed me up against the wall, I fell down and he sat on my stomach and slapped the crap out of me over and over . The next day I left, I called and had my mom prepay a ticket and flew home.
Stupidly, I went back after a few months because he had went to "counseling".
Guess what nothing was better. When my daughter was 2 months old i left and never looked back.

My husband now, had to break through alot of walls to get me to trust him. We have had some extreme times,but nothing like it was with my ex.

My husband shows me love and tenderness that I had forgotten existed with a man. He brought my self esteem way up by laughing with me, complimenting me,and just being a true friend. ]
He always tells me how smart I am and how beautiful.

If you have ever been there, may God bless you.
If you are there now, try to get out. I know it is harder said than done,but keep your chin up and don't be embarrased. I was terribly embarrased and did nto tell anyone for years what happened.
It is not your fault! Believe in yourself and get out of the situation. Call the police and don't go back!

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Been there also

My first marriage was not a happy one. His mental abuse started long before the physical, and I did not even realize it. He started by isolating me, running off my friends, being extremely jealous, up to the point i was afraid to say hi to guys that I had known my entire life. We started dating when I was 16, I thought his jealousy was just his way of making sure i was his completely and like most young girls, i was not all that bright in the ways relationships.

After we married, things just went down hill, I could not take the car to the grocery store, or anywhere else without him. I guess he was afraid that I would run off.
After we found out I was pregnant, I was so happy. I told him and he slapped me across the face, threw tea all ove me, and tried to puch me down the stairs. Luckily for me he did not succeed. I thought it was the end of it,because he did not do anything again until I was 5 months pregnant. he was throwing a party and one of his friends was being extremely rude. I told him to leave and then my ex, slammed me up against the wall, I fell down and he sat on my stomach and slapped the crap out of me over and over . The next day I left, I called and had my mom prepay a ticket and flew home.
Stupidly, I went back after a few months because he had went to "counseling".
Guess what nothing was better. When my daughter was 2 months old i left and never looked back.

My husband now, had to break through alot of walls to get me to trust him. We have had some extreme times,but nothing like it was with my ex.

My husband shows me love and tenderness that I had forgotten existed with a man. He brought my self esteem way up by laughing with me, complimenting me,and just being a true friend. ]
He always tells me how smart I am and how beautiful.

If you have ever been there, may God bless you.
If you are there now, try to get out. I know it is harder said than done,but keep your chin up and don't be embarrased. I was terribly embarrased and did nto tell anyone for years what happened.
It is not your fault! Believe in yourself and get out of the situation. Call the police and don't go back!

I'm so pleased that you have had this disasterous episode end for you and that your now hubby showsyou that you are a worthwhile person.
I hope that you can drop in to the thread and offer your thoughts for others in similar situation.

 

[The Dipsomaniac]

Re: Been there also

My first marriage was not a happy one. His mental abuse started long before the physical, and I did not even realize it. He started by isolating me, running off my friends, being extremely jealous, up to the point i was afraid to say hi to guys that I had known my entire life...

...After we found out I was pregnant, I was so happy. I told him and he slapped me across the face, threw tea all ove me, and tried to puch me down the stairs. Luckily for me he did not succeed. I thought it was the end of it,because he did not do anything again until I was 5 months pregnant. he was throwing a party and one of his friends was being extremely rude. I told him to leave and then my ex, slammed me up against the wall, I fell down and he sat on my stomach and slapped the crap out of me over and over . The next day I left, I called and had my mom prepay a ticket and flew home.

I cant believe that some guys are like that. To treat someone you supposedly love and/or care about, - wow you wouldnt want to be there enemy would yah! Fucking arsehole.

At least you left when you did huh?!

 

[kikmosa]

........

 

[Bandit58]

I got me some love today

My wonderful man came to spend some time with me......we had 4 wonderful hours together this afternoon.....
The time we get together is so precious. I feel complete when I'm with him, learning to trust and feel again. He is gentle and loving and kind, his pleasure is in giving me pleasure......and I just want to give back to him what he gives to me.

I hope everyone else who's been through pain can find someone as wonderful as he is

 

[Don K Dyck]

Great Idea . . .

Why not talk of love

Can you hear them on the streets?
Can you hear them in the homes?
Those angry words they speak
They just go on and on
I hear them on the TVS.
I see them in the news
I wish that they would go away
And just let me be

Why can’t people
speak of only love
Why does hate
have to be
Why not speak
of things that should be
Why not talk of love

Can you see the blows still falling
upon our ragged souls
Can you see me stagger
as hatred takes its toll
I know that there is
a better way for us
The anger is killing us
But they just won’t see

Why can’t people
speak of only love
Why does hate
have to be
Why not speak
of things that should be
Why not talk of love

This world is slowly dieing
as hatred rules the day
But we can turn it round
if you’ll stand up and say

Why can’t people
speak of only love
Why does hate
have to be
Why not speak
of things that should be
Why not talk of love

Hi Kiki, Lovely sentiments . . . I have found that the world generally gives back what you send out . . . so send out love and it shall be returned . . .

 

[Gil_T2]

B



U



M



P

 

[kikmosa]

((How do you live with yourself when you hate yourself? Everyone keeps telling me that I need to learn to love myself. How? I look in the mirror and all I see if a fat slob that will never be anything else. How can I love what I see? I try diets, I gain weight. I try not eating and I don't lose because I'm too damn weak to stick to it.Everytime I try, I fail. It's never going to change. I'll always be the weak-willed spineless slob he tossed away. I hate me, I hate my life, and I hate that I feel this way. And I hate being alone. No one is ever going to want me like this though.))

This is the way I feel each day. This is what I have to fight against. Each morning I get up and face myself in the mirror. Each day it's the same thing. For 16 years that's how I lived. These are the things I was told over and over. *Fat, ugly, stupid, no one else would ever have you, you should feel lucky I even put up with you* Day in and day out. On the days he didn't say these things it was because I was unconsious and couldn't hear them. Years of having everything I said belittled or punished.
How?.......How can I stop feeling this way? I close my eyes and I hear his voice. Four years later and I still hear every word he said, feel every blow he gave me. Please, God, someone tell me how to make it stop. I can't even say the words out loud. Years of being afraid to talk to anyone. I've tried to get help but how can they help me if I can't say it? I try. God knows I try. I have trouble even typing the words. I tried writing them to give the doctors and couldn't even make myself give it to them.
Please, someone tell me what to do. I'm losing this battle day by day.

 

[Gil_T2]

((How do you live with yourself when you hate yourself? Everyone keeps telling me that I need to learn to love myself. How? I look in the mirror and all I see if a fat slob that will never be anything else. How can I love what I see? I try diets, I gain weight. I try not eating and I don't lose because I'm too damn weak to stick to it.Everytime I try, I fail. It's never going to change. I'll always be the weak-willed spineless slob he tossed away. I hate me, I hate my life, and I hate that I feel this way. And I hate being alone. No one is ever going to want me like this though.))

This is the way I feel each day. This is what I have to fight against. Each morning I get up and face myself in the mirror. Each day it's the same thing. For 16 years that's how I lived. These are the things I was told over and over. *Fat, ugly, stupid, no one else would ever have you, you should feel lucky I even put up with you* Day in and day out. On the days he didn't say these things it was because I was unconsious and couldn't hear them. Years of having everything I said belittled or punished.
How?.......How can I stop feeling this way? I close my eyes and I hear his voice. Four years later and I still hear every word he said, feel every blow he gave me. Please, God, someone tell me how to make it stop. I can't even say the words out loud. Years of being afraid to talk to anyone. I've tried to get help but how can they help me if I can't say it? I try. God knows I try. I have trouble even typing the words. I tried writing them to give the doctors and couldn't even make myself give it to them.
Please, someone tell me what to do. I'm losing this battle day by day.

Kiki my sweet friend I know it's not easy and being alone only heightens the pain of not feeling wanted.You need to get to a shrink who dealswith abuse to get you over the crap your ex fed you, yes you are a large lady but there are many who have love and one I knowof on LIT who recently met in R/L a guy from the BBW pics thread and she is happier than she has ever been except he had to go back to his home state but they areglad they got the precious time they had together.You are SMART,SEXY, DESIRABLE LADY.I'm sorry I'm not hereas often as I'd like for you but email and MSN are likely the easiest way to catch me.

Big hugs and know you are in my thoughts and heart.


PLEASE SEEK OUT PROFESSIONAL HELP.

 

[Native Alien]

I am not going into details, i refuse to on the board...it is my thing.

If you want me my email is in my profile, and if you want i will give you my yahoo....

hell, if you want i will give you my phone number...if you want me to call you i can do that too.....

as a female, I have been there and then some...i refuse to let the

bastards win....and you can be the same way....all you need to

do is get in touch with me and i will help you. even if it means me

saying to the doctors what you can't....just let me know what I

can do to help and i will do my best for you....

 

[Bandit58]

My husband would tell me things like "You've got it good here, you don't have to go out and work, who else would put up with you, lazy bitch" and "Is that all you got to do" he'd say when I came out from being online, from talking to people who actually cared what I had to say and who shared some of the same interests as me. I had years of it, because he went out and worked all the hours god sent and left me to raise the kids and look after the house. I can't remember him ever saying he loved me or thought I was attractive or anything like that. When you never hear it, you start to think you aren't. He never read books or listened to music, things I love to do. He would make me turn my music off when he came inside. "Why should I put up with that crap" yeah right.

It made me feel that anything I did wasn't worthwhile. I would hide myself away under baggy sloppy clothes, subconsciously trying to keep him away from me, so he wouldn't want to have sex with me..............didn't work. I felt so trapped. No money of my own, no job, no self-esteem......horrible. Emotional abuse batters your soul. It's only since I've left him that I realise just how emotionally battered I was. I haven't told my family any of this. They still think he's this wonderful person......but they didn't have to live with him. All I've said is that I couldn't stay with someone I didn't love, and they've reluctantly accepted that, but they still think I'm silly (my mother's word) to have left what seemed to them to be this wonderful life. I'm not a child. I'm a grown woman with my own mind......and they still haven't realised that.....

Now I have a wonderful man in my life. He treats me so well, we love each other passionately, I'm discovering how wonderful it is to actually make love rather than just be fucked when my husband felt like it. I still have a lot of work to do, to relax and let things happen, but the feeling of being loved and cherished for ME is incredible. I wish I'd had the courage to get out sooner.....

 

[BrownEyes26]

Great thread.

I am a general lurker on the GB and trot over this way every now and again. I am a survivor too. Seeing the support here is great.

I recently came out as a survivor of sexual abuse after twelve years of silence. My sister, myself and two other girls were molested by my uncle when I was three. We didn't report. And when my sister and I started to change during puberty, our father began to molest us also.

My journey of healing began with a desire to change my behaviours, such as sexual permissiveness and inability to develop intimate relationships.
I have been going to a therapist, talking to friends and writing in a journal. There is a great book called "The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis that can help women who have been sexually abused as children to heal themselves. But I really recommend that you go to see a couselor if one is available.

Just this past weekend, I refused to give into sexual advances from a man I had been dating. I really think this is due to my deicision to change my behaviours. I am really proud of myself.

Knowing that you are not to blame and that you are not broken, helps the process.
Sorry if this sounds disjointed, I am very tired.
Take care all...BE26.

 

[Gil_T2]

Great thread.

I am a general lurker on the GB and trot over this way every now and again. I am a survivor too. Seeing the support here is great.

I recently came out as a survivor of sexual abuse after twelve years of silence. My sister, myself and two other girls were molested by my uncle when I was three. We didn't report. And when my sister and I started to change during puberty, our father began to molest us also.

My journey of healing began with a desire to change my behaviours, such as sexual permissiveness and inability to develop intimate relationships.
I have been going to a therapist, talking to friends and writing in a journal. There is a great book called "The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis that can help women who have been sexually abused as children to heal themselves. But I really recommend that you go to see a couselor if one is available.

Just this past weekend, I refused to give into sexual advances from a man I had been dating. I really think this is due to my deicision to change my behaviours. I am really proud of myself.

Knowing that you are not to blame and that you are not broken, helps the process.
Sorry if this sounds disjointed, I am very tired.
Take care all...BE26.

Hi Browneyes
Again I'm made to feel ashamed to be a male seeing how many people think thewy have the right to mistreat their partners who they are meant to love.It also saddens me that you as many of the ladies I know here on LIT and in R/L have been abused by relatives and/or imediate family.

there are others here who might beable to benifit from your positive outlook on life, feel free to drop by often and let us know if there is anything I/we can do to help those needing it.

 

[Native Alien]

Gil you stop it right now...not all men are abusers just as all women aren't.....

we all know this and we realize it more and more everyday....

 

[S.Daedalus]

Gil you stop it right now...not all men are abusers just as all women aren't.....

we all know this and we realize it more and more everyday....

I've tried getting ahold of you..where you been??

You make a good point...a VERY GOOD POINT!

Want to know more..ask me...i'll show you my side.

- Stephen

 

[Native Alien]

left you a pm.....

people don't realize that there are nearly as many men that are abused as there are women....

men just don't tend to report it is all.

 

[Bandit58]

people don't realize that there are nearly as many men that are abused as there are women....

men just don't tend to report it is all.

My lover is in an emotionally abusive relationship. His wife deprives him of sleep, she yells at him over the least little thing, she controls the finances and he gives in to her just so he can have some peace. I am amazed at the similarities between the relationships we've both had. We are so determined to make ours work, because we know what it's like to be in the wrong relationship with the wrong person

Together we will heal each other

 

[kikmosa]

Hi Browneyes
Again I'm made to feel ashamed to be a male seeing how many people think thewy have the right to mistreat their partners who they are meant to love.It also saddens me that you as many of the ladies I know here on LIT and in R/L have been abused by relatives and/or imediate family.

there are others here who might beable to benifit from your positive outlook on life, feel free to drop by often and let us know if there is anything I/we can do to help those needing it.

Don't be ashamed to be a male. It's the good ones like you that give us hope that we can find one like you. You give us comfort when we need it and show us that there are good ones out there. Yes there are a lot of abusers out there, both male and female. But there are far more that are not abusers. The statistics sound and are horrible but if you compare the number of abusers to the number of people there really are you'll see it's really a small sick portion of the population. It's too many but even one is too many. But the number of non-abusers is so much greater. We're learning this fact where it counts most, in our hearts. You are not part of the problem, you are part of the solutation. We thank God for the men and women like you, that care and show it. Your our lifeline and anchor to reality. Never stop caring. We love you Gil. To us you are a hero.

 

[Native Alien]

Gil,

I happen to agree with everything that kikmosa said....it is the men like you that show the compassion that we all so desperately need and want....

Bandit, good for both of you. it can actually help when the man in your life understands what you are feeling and hang in there...i know that it is tough but you have my faith in the both of you...

my email is in my profile and if i can help anyone in any way feel free to use it.....

 

[BrownEyes26]

Thanks for the response, Gil.

Other people are criticizing you for being ashamed of the behavior of your gender. But I recognize that this is a common theme.

Coming from a dominant portion of society, such as being white or male, can make a person feel guilty for crimes/oppressions carried out by people like you. For example, there are white people who have extreme guilt for a past marred by racial and gender oppression. But Gil, try not to feel too bad, just try to change (or maintain) the way you treat women in RL.

Just a thought...BE26.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thanks for the response, Gil.

Other people are criticizing you for being ashamed of the behavior of your gender. But I recognize that this is a common theme.

Coming from a dominant portion of society, such as being white or male, can make a person feel guilty for crimes/oppressions carried out by people like you. For example, there are white people who have extreme guilt for a past marred by racial and gender oppression. But Gil, try not to feel too bad, just try to change (or maintain) the way you treat women in RL.

Just a thought...BE26.

FROM a very early age I learn to respect ALL ladies regardless and I will never change that.

I'd be interested to hear from those that are being criticle of my views of being ashamed of my sex becase of these less than common animals who feel they have the right to MENTALLY & PHYSICALLY ABUSE anyone but believe like in real life these people are COWARDS anyway.

How any male could read the posts here and NOT feel guilty has me stumped.

Don't get me wrong....I'm no angel and have kinks of my own but only with the consent of the lady I'm with andas long as both consent (without pressure) there are no taboos in my mind.

 

[Hornymama]

Kiki.......

I am so sorry for what you went through sweetheart. My heart aches for you. I have read stories of things like you went through but never met anyone who has actually had to endure it. I was married before and was never abused but neglected and cheated on. There were a couple times where i was very afraid but luckily he passed out before it went any further.

I wish i knew what to do to help you. I do know that all men are not like this animal' I am now married to a wonderful man who worships me. So don't ever give up. there is someone out there for you. Please don't do anything. Take time to heal and please seek the help you need. We all love you and are here for you. I have read many of your posts and you are a beautiful lady. If you ever need anyone to talk to please feel free to Pm me. I'm here for you. You have so many people who care on here so please take advantage of us.I wish I could hold you and make the hurt go away.

 

[Bandit58]

I've just been re-reading this thread.......it does take a hell of a lot of courage to get out and away from the relationship (if that's what it can be called ) I had never lived on my own before, I went virtually straight from my parents' house to my husband's and I was with him close to 24 years. I never had to stand up for myself and truth is I didn't know how to, I was too afraid.....afraid of his reaction, of his sulking, his temper (he never hit me but he didn't need to, his disapproval was enough, the saying about sticks and stones is NOT true, words and actions hurt too ) I was always a shy little thing, I tried to please everyone and never took the time to think about what I wanted until it was too late.

Now when I look back I wonder how I managed to put up with it for so long. I've come to the conclusion that it was fear - of the unknown, of being alone, of losing my kids, of my family's reaction......and his......which in the end turned out to be like that of a stunned mullet, that I would actually leave, he never thought I would. The sense of freedom is absolutely amazing, the kids have been wonderful (they're 19 and 14 and live with him but he is a good father I will give him that) and my family have accepted things and don't really treat me any differently. I've learned to do things for myself, like driving 5 hours to be with the man I love so much, to a place I'd never been before.....I used to panic at the thought of that but I've done it twice now and I will do it again in a week's time. I have been going out to the local club on my own, reacquainting myself with people I grew up with but due to never going anywhere much I lost contact with. I have a part time job that I love and good friends to work with. At last I am living instead of existing

 

[Don K Dyck]

Change Takes Courage . . . You Have It!!

I've just been re-reading this thread.......it does take a hell of a lot of courage to get out and away from the relationship (if that's what it can be called ) I had never lived on my own before, I went virtually straight from my parents' house to my husband's and I was with him close to 24 years. I never had to stand up for myself and truth is I didn't know how to, I was too afraid.....afraid of his reaction, of his sulking, his temper (he never hit me but he didn't need to, his disapproval was enough, the saying about sticks and stones is NOT true, words and actions hurt too ) I was always a shy little thing, I tried to please everyone and never took the time to think about what I wanted until it was too late.

Now when I look back I wonder how I managed to put up with it for so long. I've come to the conclusion that it was fear - of the unknown, of being alone, of losing my kids, of my family's reaction......and his......which in the end turned out to be like that of a stunned mullet, that I would actually leave, he never thought I would. The sense of freedom is absolutely amazing, the kids have been wonderful (they're 19 and 14 and live with him but he is a good father I will give him that) and my family have accepted things and don't really treat me any differently. I've learned to do things for myself, like driving 5 hours to be with the man I love so much, to a place I'd never been before.....I used to panic at the thought of that but I've done it twice now and I will do it again in a week's time. I have been going out to the local club on my own, reacquainting myself with people I grew up with but due to never going anywhere much I lost contact with. I have a part time job that I love and good friends to work with. At last I am living instead of existing

Hi Bandit, that's a great story of courage and bravery. Escaping from a bad relationship is difficult, and it is too easy to fall back into the old patterns, either with the same person, or with a different person having similar attitudes. Letting go of it all and striking out alone is so brave and so important, because it proves to ourselves that "I CAN".

Everybody needs to realise for themselves that they are important, that thier personal happiness is important, that they have to be kind to themselves. After leaving a relationship there is always doubts . . . will I survive? (yes) . . . what will happen to me? (whatevr good things you want to happen) . . . what will my friends think? (if they are friends they will be supportive, if not, you don't need them and are better off without them).

Most importantly, it takes about 18 months to 3 years to recover from the loss of a permanent relationship. Some people suggest one year for each decade. Regardless, it is importnat NOT to rush in to a new relationship with the first available person because frequently the old patterns are simply replaced, creating the same problem all over again. If possible, attend some reputable personal development/growth course or at least seek professional counselling assistance.