How do you help someone get over being abused

[Stegral]

there are good ppl out there who won't abuse you.

Thanks Gil_T2
The last relationships I have been in have been winding down from physical & mental abuse to mental abuse & the last 2 were just mind gamers... not really abusive, more manipulative...Personally I just CAN'T see the S/O I have now getting physical... it just isn't him... "Lover NOT a Fighter" is him perfectly...
problem I have is that it is soooo strange for me... Compared to what I am used to this just ain't right...
The similarities I draw on so vaugely are the small things.... me doing the housework instead of "sharing" it, or where he is surfing.... the phonecalls... those are the things the others did just before/while they were screwing someone else while still with me... I talk to him & he has probable explanations for it all.....
I want to trust him but any time I have before I get torn apart...
How do you learn to trust again when you were never really taught how to in the first place??"

 

[Stegral]

More thanks

Thanks for the welcome

Hi Stegral . . . welcome to Gil's thread where the survivors of abuse share their secrets . . .
Too often survivors rush back into a relationship simply because they feel that they cannot survive when they are not in a relationship . . . and that simply is not true . . . history shows that individuals can survive alone, by themselves, under many extraordinary circumstances . . .

This is true... I found it very hard to remain out of a relationship as the low self-esteem I have the NEED for acknowledgement by SOMEONE... along with the physical desire to have someone to have there with you.. I can't sleep alone in a bed....I have to sleep on a couch then & I did for over a year...

And learning to "love myself" is a damned difficult task for persons who have been abused. However, it is possible with suitable counselling, especially programmes like John Bradshaw, Reclaiming the Inner Child.

Finished it twice....I can almost bring it out... but then it hides again...with over 10 years of professional help, ink blots, cat scans, EEG's, more damn written tests it seemed as if I was taking a course in medical school .......

Too true . . . the wounds will always be there . . . particularly whenever you cultivate them . . . they will fade when you set out to "face your demons" and let go of the rubbish that is clogging up your life.Uhmmm . . . so far you are doing well . . . you have recognised that there is confusion . . . that is the first step. Now you want to reconcile that confusion. Good. At this point professional assistance is a sensible option.
The university of hard knocks is a tough school . . . and we have all graduated with flying colours . . . to live successfully and tell the tale . . .
If we can do it, then you and others can also . . .

I think I may try therapy again as there has to be some kind of progress in these fields since I gave up on it helping me...You almost sound like a counciller with this quote...LMAOOO
Right now I am mildly medicated so I am only slightly moody...I should go back in for re-evaluation & see what I am now.... there are so many different labels in the disorder pile now... I must touch at least half a dozen or so at any given time......

Thanks for taking the time to reply after letting me rant

 

[Gil_T2]

Depending on the level of abuse and what type of it we're talking about of course? For some abuse victim's there really isn't a lot one can do, harsh as it may sound? For instance? In the case of a surviver of childhood sexual abuse I've known in the past, the effect's of all she'd endured went much too deep for anyone to be able to help her at all. Terrible and heartbreaking as it was to realize this? And in the end I was forced to flee from this person to avoid being the abused one myself? Turned out this lady was not only suffering from severe PTSD but was also a fullblowen schizofrenic, once her medication ran out and she refused to buy more.
What came first in her case? The effects of abuse or the symptoms of schizofrenia I of course have no way of knowing? I'd felt sympathetic for her from the beginning however? And although I'd resolved in my mind to prove to her there were better people on earth than the one's she'd been used to? And also that I'd show her once and for all what having a true friend actually like? I had to save my own sanity, not to mention my very life, and remove myself from her existance in the end. The schizo thing was something I hadn't counted on earlier on getting to know her. And it scared the hell out of me waking up to blood curdling scream's of "I'm GONNA KILL YOU YOU DIRTY MOTHERFUCKER", in the middle of the night, when all had been well before I'd fallen asleep?
So? Sorry I guess? And it still may seem cold and selfish of me to some of you readers? But sometime's you can not help, period! And to keep yourself from becoming the next victim of abuse, run like hell should you happen to meet one?

ALL ABUSE is unforgivable but abuse of kids is just the lowest of lows.

As for you experience with that young lady I think that you'll find it was more the schizo than the abuse causing the trouble there.

I met a young lady who had escaped an abusive hubby & we seemed to be going well as friends, she then asked if we could go further 7 we ended up married after 3 years, things seemed great but she changed & the abuse started first verbal then physical with me trying to understand why as i had always shown her respect & love but it only got worst till we parted, 'id had enough & gave up the fight, i actually had no fight left in me, but a friend of her family told me she had a break down & finally had gotten the professional help she had to have, i haven't heard about her for 10+ years & really have closed the door to that part of my life & moved on, now i am in the most loving relationship of my 50+ years with a lady who I met on the board right here we both have never been happier so i think your statment is not right.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thanks Gil_T2
The last relationships I have been in have been winding down from physical & mental abuse to mental abuse & the last 2 were just mind gamers... not really abusive, more manipulative...Personally I just CAN'T see the S/O I have now getting physical... it just isn't him... "Lover NOT a Fighter" is him perfectly...
problem I have is that it is soooo strange for me... Compared to what I am used to this just ain't right...
The similarities I draw on so vaugely are the small things.... me doing the housework instead of "sharing" it, or where he is surfing.... the phonecalls... those are the things the others did just before/while they were screwing someone else while still with me... I talk to him & he has probable explanations for it all.....
I want to trust him but any time I have before I get torn apart...
How do you learn to trust again when you were never really taught how to in the first place??"

physical, mental, mind games are all abusive as you are not being considered, warning bells rang loud reading your first post about the calls etc & again in this one to be in a loving relationship HONESTY, RESPECT & HONOUR are the only rules & if they don't meet these they are NOT threating you right.

HONESTY.....RESPECT.....HONOUR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! demand it it is your right.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thanks for the welcome


This is true... I found it very hard to remain out of a relationship as the low self-esteem I have the NEED for acknowledgement by SOMEONE... along with the physical desire to have someone to have there with you.. I can't sleep alone in a bed....I have to sleep on a couch then & I did for over a year...

We all want to feel wanted, there is nothing wrong in that but accepting someone just for that reason isn't good the couch is a better option.



Finished it twice....I can almost bring it out... but then it hides again...with over 10 years of professional help, ink blots, cat scans, EEG's, more damn written tests it seemed as if I was taking a course in medical school .......



I think I may try therapy again as there has to be some kind of progress in these fields since I gave up on it helping me...You almost sound like a counciller with this quote...LMAOOO
Right now I am mildly medicated so I am only slightly moody...I should go back in for re-evaluation & see what I am now.... there are so many different labels in the disorder pile now... I must touch at least half a dozen or so at any given time......

you might even try a peer group as being with other who know what abuse is like (like this thread) can help you a lot.

Thanks for taking the time to reply after letting me rant

a bloody good rant is very therapeutic so feel free to rank at your pleasure we are not here to condem but to hold out a helping hand & a caring hug when needed.

 

[wicked woman]

Really good to see you back ((((Gil))))

 

[Gil_T2]

Really good to see you back ((((Gil))))

Always great to see you too {{{{{wicked woman}}}}}

 

[Bandit58]

Something to think about

Published on www.stuff.co.nz:

Women 'just as likely to beat up men'
09 February 2006
By KAMALA HAYMAN

Young women are as likely to kick, punch and verbally assault their partners as they are to be victims of such attacks, new Christchurch research shows.

The School of Medicine survey of more than 800 people found "very similar" levels of domestic violence – ranging from minor psychological abuse to severe assault – inflicted by men and women. Both sexes reported similar rates of injury.

Lead researcher David Fergusson said agencies dealing with domestic violence should not assume men were the perpetrators or that women hit out only in self-defence. "In fact, women initiate violence more than men."

He said domestic violence typically involved both parties. "If one partner was violent, so was the other one. This contrasts quite sharply with the dominant popular view that domestic violence is largely perpetrated by men on women."

Seventy per cent of those surveyed, all aged 25, reported some conflict in their relationships. About 5 per cent described severe physical assaults such as choking, kicking, punching and body slamming.

Both sexes suffered an increased risk of anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts after domestic violence.

The only difference was in the experience of fear, said Fergusson. "Women exposed to more extreme violence were more likely to report being fearful of their partner."

Fergusson said that of the 828 people questioned, none had reported police involvement, and only three needed medical treatment after an assault. Two of the patients were men.

Fergusson called for more research to understand why population studies such as his found no gender differences in rates of domestic violence, while police statistics and women's refuges reported a predominance of male offenders. He said it was possible the more extreme violence was inflicted by men.

Canterbury University sociologist Greg Newbold said the latest research was consistent with international studies. "Men and women attack one another with roughly equal frequency."

He said a change of mindset was needed to understand the complex dynamics of domestic violence. "Physical violence is not something which just goes one way."

A national crime survey published in 2003 by the Justice Ministry found 26 per cent of women and 18 per cent of men who had partners had experienced physical violence.

In Britain, several safe houses for battered men have opened, with a government report estimating that one in six men suffered repeated abuse at home.

Canterbury University masters student Jenny Cross said it was difficult for male victims of domestic violence to be recognised as such by the police.

"There are lots of barriers for male victims. They are more reluctant to call police and then to have their complaints taken seriously," she said.

Christchurch MensTrust member Donald Pettitt said even if violence inflicted by women did not result in serious injury, it should be taken seriously. "If women are modelling violent behaviour to their children, that perpetuates the cycle."

In Christchurch last year, 78 per cent of nearly 1800 domestic violence incidents reported to police were males assaulting females.

 

[eudaemonia]

Thanks for posting this, Bandit58.

Recently, an ex-lover revealed to me the abuse he suffered at the hands of his wife during their 24-year marriage. Much of it was psychological, but towards the end of the relationship she struck him. He is so fragile, wounded now, and very nearly succumbed to suicide. He's doing better now, but I fear it will take him many years to recoup a sense of dignity and self-worth. His shame is so deep. I never onced guessed at how rotten their marriage was. Shocking.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thanks for posting this, Bandit58.

Recently, an ex-lover revealed to me the abuse he suffered at the hands of his wife during their 24-year marriage. Much of it was psychological, but towards the end of the relationship she struck him. He is so fragile, wounded now, and very nearly succumbed to suicide. He's doing better now, but I fear it will take him many years to recoup a sense of dignity and self-worth. His shame is so deep. I never onced guessed at how rotten their marriage was. Shocking.

Although Bandit's post is on domestic violence being about equal so are the research deatails posted some where in the early section of this thread on abuse which also had almost equal figures.
I worked with a guy who to all of us had a huge drinking problem which saw him turning up for work battered & bruised & when ask he never remembered but when he was found dead in his home the coroner found it was his wife who had abused him for years & he never fought back once till she took it to far & killed him, she got jailed but was only a short term.

 

[m.j.h]

Although Bandit's post is on domestic violence being about equal so are the research deatails posted some where in the early section of this thread on abuse which also had almost equal figures.
I worked with a guy who to all of us had a huge drinking problem which saw him turning up for work battered & bruised & when ask he never remembered but when he was found dead in his home the coroner found it was his wife who had abused him for years & he never fought back once till she took it to far & killed him, she got jailed but was only a short term.

And ther is the big problem in that most men in that type of situation won't/can/t hit back as they are not that type to hit a woman.

 

[eudaemonia]

And ther is the big problem in that most men in that type of situation won't/can/t hit back as they are not that type to hit a woman.

Yes, absolutely.

What occurred to me when I was listening to my friend talk about his wife hitting him was that if he ever hit her back that she could claim she was the one assualted. This never sounds good in divorce proceedings let alone during custody hearings.

 

[Lyrical Fool]

Congratulations GIL !!!

/thread hijack on

Just saw your Ticker Counter doo-hickey, and saw that you've made 11 days.

I just made 5 days myself.

Didn't think I'd make it this far, but have no intentions of going back.

Congratulations again

/thread hijack off

 

[m.j.h]

/thread hijack on

Just saw your Ticker Counter doo-hickey, and saw that you've made 11 days.

I just made 5 days myself.

Didn't think I'd make it this far, but have no intentions of going back.

Congratulations again

/thread hijack off

Just to continue the highjack for a minute.

Well done on the 5 days for you and 11 for Gil.
I believe the nicotine is out of the system after 3-4 days and the rest is breaking the habit of wanting to light one up.
Keep it up both of you and good luck and good health to follow.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Just to continue the highjack for a minute.

Well done on the 5 days for you and 11 for Gil.
I believe the nicotine is out of the system after 3-4 days and the rest is breaking the habit of wanting to light one up.
Keep it up both of you and good luck and good health to follow.

^^^^^ LIke MJH said . . . Well done both of you!!! ^^^^^

You are both over the 'hump' as it were and done the hard yards. Now it is just one day at a time. Stick with it

<somehow bandit, I cannot imagine Gil getting over humping . . . >

 

[Gil_T2]

^^^^^ LIke MJH said . . . Well done both of you!!! ^^^^^

You are both over the 'hump' as it were and done the hard yards. Now it is just one day at a time. Stick with it

<somehow bandit, I cannot imagine Gil getting over humping . . . >

17 days now & no easing of the craving so no longer believe the bulldust abut 3 days but hanging in there although it is the hardest i've ever tried in quitting, Oh how i wish i'd never had the first one, i now am sure i have an addictive persona.

 

[Mitsouko]

Our local televison station showed a video of a 66 yr old man attacking his wife in a building walk way, pushing her to the floor and trying to strangle her. It was a very vicious attack. She wouldn't press charges said they had been drinking and she got him mad, luckily it was seen on video and stopped, and the tape will be used to charge him.

In seeing the tape, it is hard to imagine how she doesn't get that her life was in danger.

Good Luck with the not smoking Gil!

 

[Gil_T2]

Our local televison station showed a video of a 66 yr old man attacking his wife in a building walk way, pushing her to the floor and trying to strangle her. It was a very vicious attack. She wouldn't press charges said they had been drinking and she got him mad, luckily it was seen on video and stopped, and the tape will be used to charge him.

In seeing the tape, it is hard to imagine how she doesn't get that her life was in danger.

Good Luck with the not smoking Gil!

sadly to many abused ppl are convinced that there beatings are their fault for causing it, this is sad as any real man would of done all he could to defuse the situation ( it was a man in this post OK), abusers as with the posts above are both sexes from the studies done around the world so with the macho thing being considered could the male abuse be even higher than the reports mention as it is almost a 50/50 call.

it's 1.15am here so it is now day 19 in my quest to stop smoking.

 

[Mitsouko]

sadly to many abused ppl are convinced that there beatings are their fault for causing it, this is sad as any real man would of done all he could to defuse the situation ( it was a man in this post OK), abusers as with the posts above are both sexes from the studies done around the world so with the macho thing being considered could the male abuse be even higher than the reports mention as it is almost a 50/50 call.

it's 1.15am here so it is now day 19 in my quest to stop smoking.

It maybe true that abuse is equal shared between the sexes, but the physical extent of it isn't. Woman out weigh men as far as hospital visits due to abuse and in the USA the most like person to attack and kill a woman is her husband or lover.

 

[la mariposita]

I have posted in this thread before with my experience. I just wanted to add in case no one mentioned it: Therapy helps so much. There is no reason why you need to continue suffering after the trauma. You owe it to yourself after dealing with that horrible part of your life. Beware of "therapists" without degrees. Therapist is not a legal term. Psychologist and psychiatrist are legal terms. You may come across "therapists" who think they can practice without degrees (ever so subtly) so be wary. Go to someone that you feel comfortable with and can talk to without him/her being insensitive or pushy. The first person you meet may not be the right person for you.

Hope this helps!

 

[kikmosa]

17 days now & no easing of the craving so no longer believe the bulldust abut 3 days but hanging in there although it is the hardest i've ever tried in quitting, Oh how i wish i'd never had the first one, i now am sure i have an addictive persona.

((((((((Gil)))))))) Hun, they can say what they want but it's a lot more then 3 days for the craving. It's been 24 years since I've quit smoking and I still want one when the stress gets bad. But it does get easier to say no to them as time goes by. I just want you to know that I'm very proud of you for even trying this. Best wishes and good luck.

 

[Gil_T2]

It maybe true that abuse is equal shared between the sexes, but the physical extent of it isn't. Woman out weigh men as far as hospital visits due to abuse and in the USA the most like person to attack and kill a woman is her husband or lover.

i'm not going to argue with you over facts & figures but consider that men ae more likely to claim attack by another male rather than say female did it because we all likely brought up with boys don't cry crap & be tough be macho crap so rethink the numbers of ladies to men visiting hospitals after abuse, in no way am i making excuses for any sex as anyone who abuses is a low life.
as for the killers of women being hubby or lover the same facts exist for the guys too even though there are many going down in crime, drugs, gang wars etc, if you isolate the home murders i think you'd be shocked by how many men are really attacked by their Mrs or lover.

 

[Gil_T2]

((((((((Gil)))))))) Hun, they can say what they want but it's a lot more then 3 days for the craving. It's been 24 years since I've quit smoking and I still want one when the stress gets bad. But it does get easier to say no to them as time goes by. I just want you to know that I'm very proud of you for even trying this. Best wishes and good luck.

21 today 21 today....yes this is day 21 of my quit smoking attempt.

{{{{{{{{{{{{KIKI}}}}}}}}}}}} Kiki i'm so prowd of you for the strength you have shown me over the time we have got to know each other & i'm so thankful that you PM'd me when you did, your a wonderful lady that i admire greatly.

 

[Gil_T2]

I have posted in this thread before with my experience. I just wanted to add in case no one mentioned it: Therapy helps so much. There is no reason why you need to continue suffering after the trauma. You owe it to yourself after dealing with that horrible part of your life. Beware of "therapists" without degrees. Therapist is not a legal term. Psychologist and psychiatrist are legal terms. You may come across "therapists" who think they can practice without degrees (ever so subtly) so be wary. Go to someone that you feel comfortable with and can talk to without him/her being insensitive or pushy. The first person you meet may not be the right person for you.

Hope this helps!

saldy as with many parts of life there are those who use any form of ripping ppl of with there poor services on offer & therapy is no different, one i had listened as i told him all & his assessment was "your a guy suck it up 7 get over it" yeah right & this was a government approved therapist.

Always only see one that makes you feel comfy, isn't watching his watch etc.

 

[Don K Dyck]

21 today 21 today....yes this is day 21 of my quit smoking attempt.

{{{{{{{{{{{{KIKI}}}}}}}}}}}} Kiki i'm so prowd of you for the strength you have shown me over the time we have got to know each other & i'm so thankful that you PM'd me when you did, your a wonderful lady that i admire greatly.

Go Gil !!!!

<Psst!! How many days until Nostress gets into his tutu . . .

. . . and Bertie sits on your knee only in tiara and fishnets . . .