How do you help someone get over being abused

[tbon45]

i do have an atturney involved. i did read all the replys it may not sound like it but i did everything that is said i have read and i take it all in and go from there. anyways gil how are you. i hope you are doing better.

 

[kikmosa]

Brrrr.....

Hello everyone form the chilly north. It was a beautiful, sunny day today... as long as you were inside, lol. If you went out it was cold, very cold. It was 10F at 8 am this morning with a wind blowing. That's -12C for those of you over seas. Brrrrrrr........ Hope everyone here is warmer than that.

Hugs and kisses for all..... (((((((((all)))))))) &

 

[Don K Dyck]

Hello everyone form the chilly north. It was a beautiful, sunny day today... as long as you were inside, lol. If you went out it was cold, very cold. It was 10F at 8 am this morning with a wind blowing. That's -12C for those of you over seas. Brrrrrrr........ Hope everyone here is warmer than that.

Hugs and kisses for all..... (((((((((all)))))))) &

Hi Kiki . . . {{{{{{{KIKI}}}}}}} . . . just to warm you up.

It is a lovely aussie summer day here . . . about 30C with some light cloud cover and a breath of wind.

It would be a great day for the beach . . . except the coasdt is 100 miles away.

 

[tbon45]

hey gil how are you doing? im doing ok i get to go back to work monday so ive taken a big step in the right direction.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hello everyone form the chilly north. It was a beautiful, sunny day today... as long as you were inside, lol. If you went out it was cold, very cold. It was 10F at 8 am this morning with a wind blowing. That's -12C for those of you over seas. Brrrrrrr........ Hope everyone here is warmer than that.

Hugs and kisses for all..... (((((((((all)))))))) &

Hugs KIKI well on the up side it won't be long now till it's getting warmer & we will be the ones in the cold (don't dump on me as I know it dosen't get as cold as it does for you but it is cold to us).

{{{{{{{{{{KIKI}}}}}}}}}}

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi Kiki . . . {{{{{{{KIKI}}}}}}} . . . just to warm you up.

It is a lovely aussie summer day here . . . about 30C with some light cloud cover and a breath of wind.

It would be a great day for the beach . . . except the coasdt is 100 miles away.

Although i'm here in city life we do have a pleasent sea breeze directly from Botany Bay & the bay it's self is under 4K 2 1/2 miles roughly.

 

[Gil_T2]

hey gil how are you doing? im doing ok i get to go back to work monday so ive taken a big step in the right direction.

Tbon i'm getting there & hope to be like i was before the latest infection.

Great news on getting back to work & think this will help you by keeping your mind busy.

 

[tbon45]

glad to hear your doin better. and thanks for the help.

 

[Gil_T2]

glad to hear your doin better. and thanks for the help.

We do what we can for anyone comming here & all of us have been through our own hell.

 

[tbon45]

believe me i really do appreciate it. noor also has helped me tremdously i talk to her daily and she has got me trhough the hard times when i needed someone to talk to at that point of time.

 

[Bandit58]

Just letting everyone know Gil is in the hospital, his peritonitis flared up again and because we were still using antibiotics we knew something wasn't right. He will be having an operation on Monday to remove the tube in his tummy that is causing all the problems, and having a vascath inserted in his neck so that he can go on haemodialysis.

He really has a tough time coming up so your good thoughts for him will be very much appreciated.

 

[tbon45]

he his in my thoughts i wish him well.

 

[Noor]

Bandit-please let Gil know I am thinking of him (and you too)

 

[wicked woman]

Just letting everyone know Gil is in the hospital, his peritonitis flared up again and because we were still using antibiotics we knew something wasn't right. He will be having an operation on Monday to remove the tube in his tummy that is causing all the problems, and having a vascath inserted in his neck so that he can go on haemodialysis.

He really has a tough time coming up so your good thoughts for him will be very much appreciated.

Thanks for letting us know. A speedy recovery and a careful hug to Gil. You take care of yourself too Bandit.

 

[Stegral]

thanks for reading ppl

Best Wishes for a good recovery
Wow... what a thread... tried starting at the beginning but there was just Waaayyy too much...read 3 pages on both ends & find some of the history similar in pieces to my own... the only difference is that mine goes further than the spouse or sig. other...
mine started at 12 years old & never really got better....
I have lost 3 children in court, 2 that I see rarely & supervised & 1 that I have no clue about anymore...I trusted their fathers to love & protect me & our kids...never happened....
I have had the mind games, the physical abuse, sexual assault, repeated shattered trust & alot more....
My scars run deep too but I don't think even time can heal these ones... there are too many to heal I am pretty much walking wounded......
I am wondering of my choice to re-enter into a relationship again, even though he treats me well alot of the time, there are things he does that make those warning flags shoot up in the air like: things he says to friends, places he surfs, pics he has, phone calls on his cell at midnight(&hang ups when I answer)....
As much as I try NOT to compare ex's with the person I am with... I find when I think about it I seem to be in a rut... big time...I keep picking the same type of guy....
you know the one... He pampers you with flowers & stuff when you are 'dating', come over & helps clean... does everything PERFECT just how it needs to be...
"Mr. He seems nice enough... until he shows his TRUE colours"...???
then just as you trust him enough to think it will work, you move in together & BAM he backslides into being almost exactly what you left before you met him... the wounds will always be there... any advice on how to break the cycle of choosing the ass's over & over again... cause I know 10+ years of councilling, psyciatric & positive influence training didn't even dent the problem... I am scarred for life... I poor pity the one that wants to be with the queen byiatch....
I have a lot of shit to dump but here is NOT the place...
Personally I wish I could have the restraint of some of the poster's that have "never had another relationship" I am so confused... I want someone with me but I don't want anyone near me.... I seem to do better on my own yet I crave intimacy/sex & find the casual stuff not really for me...

 

[Lyrical Fool]

((( Gil ))) and ((( Bandit )))

My thoughts are with you both.

 

[Lyrical Fool]

Best Wishes for a good recovery
Wow... what a thread... tried starting at the beginning but there was just Waaayyy too much...read 3 pages on both ends & find some of the history similar in pieces to my own... the only difference is that mine goes further than the spouse or sig. other...
mine started at 12 years old & never really got better....
I have lost 3 children in court, 2 that I see rarely & supervised & 1 that I have no clue about anymore...I trusted their fathers to love & protect me & our kids...never happened....
I have had the mind games, the physical abuse, sexual assault, repeated shattered trust & alot more....
My scars run deep too but I don't think even time can heal these ones... there are too many to heal I am pretty much walking wounded......

No, I don't think time *can* heal those wounds. But delving into self-issues and consciously choosing to work through/past them just might.

I am wondering of my choice to re-enter into a relationship again, even though he treats me well alot of the time, ...

That set off warning bells for me, but that just could be me. He treats you well "a lot of the time" ? What about the rest of the time?

As much as I try NOT to compare ex's with the person I am with... I find when I think about it I seem to be in a rut... big time...I keep picking the same type of guy....

That's fairly standard behavior. You're not the only one who has done/does/will do that.

the wounds will always be there... any advice on how to break the cycle of choosing the ass's over & over again... cause I know 10+ years of councilling, psyciatric & positive influence training didn't even dent the problem... I am scarred for life... I poor pity the one that wants to be with the queen byiatch....

Advice, but only because you asked for it. If you can't break the cycle, end the cycle. Seriously. You say you want the intimacy, etc., but are you really getting it in the people you're choosing? It's hard getting your head on straight...that I understand. It's hard and it's lonely and it's probably the most frustrating thing you can ever do. But until you target what draws you to those people (and, just as importantly, what draws THEM to YOU), you can't change it.

But you can do it if you really, really want to.

** hug **

 

[Bandit58]

I went to the hospital at around 10am, Gil's doing ok but stressing about being there and the surgery on Monday....his back is sore from the bed (again) but they have put a padded topper on the mattress which makes it not so bad as it usually is. He is hoping they will let him come home around Wednesday if all goes well.

He has a nicotine patch on his arm so he can try to quit the ciggies - he's really doing well he's smoked less than 10 a day for the past 2 days which is great considering how many he normally smokes. I'm just trying to be supportive and I know how hard it is going to be for him to quit a 40 year habit. I'm hoping that once he gets past the first couple of weeks that it will get easier!

Thank you Lyrical Fool for your very insightful post to Stegral, I would try to reply to it but my head isn't in the right place at the moment

 

[tramp333]

How to help abused?

Depending on the level of abuse and what type of it we're talking about of course? For some abuse victim's there really isn't a lot one can do, harsh as it may sound? For instance? In the case of a surviver of childhood sexual abuse I've known in the past, the effect's of all she'd endured went much too deep for anyone to be able to help her at all. Terrible and heartbreaking as it was to realize this? And in the end I was forced to flee from this person to avoid being the abused one myself? Turned out this lady was not only suffering from severe PTSD but was also a fullblowen schizofrenic, once her medication ran out and she refused to buy more.
What came first in her case? The effects of abuse or the symptoms of schizofrenia I of course have no way of knowing? I'd felt sympathetic for her from the beginning however? And although I'd resolved in my mind to prove to her there were better people on earth than the one's she'd been used to? And also that I'd show her once and for all what having a true friend actually like? I had to save my own sanity, not to mention my very life, and remove myself from her existance in the end. The schizo thing was something I hadn't counted on earlier on getting to know her. And it scared the hell out of me waking up to blood curdling scream's of "I'm GONNA KILL YOU YOU DIRTY MOTHERFUCKER", in the middle of the night, when all had been well before I'd fallen asleep?
So? Sorry I guess? And it still may seem cold and selfish of me to some of you readers? But sometime's you can not help, period! And to keep yourself from becoming the next victim of abuse, run like hell should you happen to meet one?

 

[Don K Dyck]

I went to the hospital at around 10am, Gil's doing ok but stressing about being there and the surgery on Monday....his back is sore from the bed (again) but they have put a padded topper on the mattress which makes it not so bad as it usually is. He is hoping they will let him come home around Wednesday if all goes well.

He has a nicotine patch on his arm so he can try to quit the ciggies - he's really doing well he's smoked less than 10 a day for the past 2 days which is great considering how many he normally smokes. I'm just trying to be supportive and I know how hard it is going to be for him to quit a 40 year habit. I'm hoping that once he gets past the first couple of weeks that it will get easier!

Thank you Lyrical Fool for your very insightful post to Stegral, I would try to reply to it but my head isn't in the right place at the moment

Hi bandot . . . give Gil my best wishes . . . I'm thinking for him . . .

<Psst!!! Don't give up on the anti-smoking campaign . . . keep him on it and keep him honest about it . . . >

 

[Don K Dyck]

Best Wishes for a good recovery
Wow... what a thread... tried starting at the beginning but there was just Waaayyy too much...read 3 pages on both ends & find some of the history similar in pieces to my own... the only difference is that mine goes further than the spouse or sig. other...

mine started at 12 years old & never really got better....
I have lost 3 children in court, 2 that I see rarely & supervised & 1 that I have no clue about anymore...I trusted their fathers to love & protect me & our kids...never happened....

I have had the mind games, the physical abuse, sexual assault, repeated shattered trust & alot more....

My scars run deep too but I don't think even time can heal these ones... there are too many to heal I am pretty much walking wounded......

Hi Stegral . . . welcome to Gil's thread where the survivors of abuse share their secrets . . .

I am wondering of my choice to re-enter into a relationship again, even though he treats me well alot of the time, there are things he does that make those warning flags shoot up in the air like: things he says to friends, places he surfs, pics he has, phone calls on his cell at midnight(&hang ups when I answer)....

You are wise to take the time when entering a new relationship . . . abuse screws our thinking and we tend to go into a new relationship that repeats or replaces the previous abusive relationship . . . not a good idea . . .

Too often survivors rush back into a relationship simply because they feel that they cannot survive when they are not in a relationship . . . and that simply is not true . . . history shows that individuals can survive alone, by themselves, under many extraordinary circumstances . . .

As much as I try NOT to compare ex's with the person I am with... I find when I think about it I seem to be in a rut... big time...I keep picking the same type of guy....

you know the one... He pampers you with flowers & stuff when you are 'dating', come over & helps clean... does everything PERFECT just how it needs to be...
"Mr. He seems nice enough... until he shows his TRUE colours"...???
then just as you trust him enough to think it will work, you move in together & BAM he backslides into being almost exactly what you left before you met him...

THis example shows what I mean . . .

So, why are you still selecting mates who have the same characteristics? The answer is, "Because that is what we do."

The solution is simple. We have to change our requirements for a mate, and we have to change ourselves as well.

Co-dependent relationships are rarely successful for both parties because each is seeking for the other rather than contributing to the whole.

Until a person can "love themselves" their is only a limited chance that they will be able to 'love another".

And learning to "love myself" is a damned difficult task for persons who have been abused. However, it is possible with suitable counselling, especially programmes like John Bradshaw, Reclaiming the Inner Child.

the wounds will always be there... any advice on how to break the cycle of choosing the ass's over & over again... cause I know 10+ years of councilling, psyciatric & positive influence training didn't even dent the problem...


I am scarred for life... I poor pity the one that wants to be with the queen byiatch....
I have a lot of shit to dump but here is NOT the place...

Too true . . . the wounds will always be there . . . particularly while ever you cultivate them . . . they will fade when you set out to "face your demons" and let go of the rubbish that is clogging up your life.

Personally I wish I could have the restraint of some of the poster's that have "never had another relationship" I am so confused... I want someone with me but I don't want anyone near me.... I seem to do better on my own yet I crave intimacy/sex & find the casual stuff not really for me...

Uhmmm . . . so far you are doing well . . . you have recognised that there is confusion . . . that is the first step. Now you want to reconcile that confusion. Good. A this point professional assistance is a sensible option.

The university of hard knocks is a tough school . . . and we have all graduated with flying colours . . . to live successfully and tell the tale . . .

If we can do it, then you and others can also . . .

 

[Don K Dyck]

Depending on the level of abuse and what type of it we're talking about of course?

For some abuse victim's there really isn't a lot one can do, harsh as it may sound? For instance?

In the case of a surviver of childhood sexual abuse I've known in the past, the effect's of all she'd endured went much too deep for anyone to be able to help her at all. Terrible and heartbreaking as it was to realize this? And in the end I was forced to flee from this person to avoid being the abused one myself?

Turned out this lady was not only suffering from severe PTSD but was also a fullblowen schizofrenic, once her medication ran out and she refused to buy more.

What came first in her case? The effects of abuse or the symptoms of schizofrenia I of course have no way of knowing? I'd felt sympathetic for her from the beginning however?

And although I'd resolved in my mind to prove to her there were better people on earth than the one's she'd been used to? And also that I'd show her once and for all what having a true friend actually like?

I had to save my own sanity, not to mention my very life, and remove myself from her existance in the end.

The schizo thing was something I hadn't counted on earlier on getting to know her. And it scared the hell out of me waking up to blood curdling scream's of "I'm GONNA KILL YOU YOU DIRTY MOTHERFUCKER", in the middle of the night, when all had been well before I'd fallen asleep?

So? Sorry I guess? And it still may seem cold and selfish of me to some of you readers? But sometime's you can not help, period! And to keep yourself from becoming the next victim of abuse, run like hell should you happen to meet one?

Hi tramp . . . a sad story indeed . . .

Based only upon the evidence that you have given above . . . I think you did the correct thing by getting out . . . quickly!

You wanted to save her from herself and she didn't want to be saved.

Like Lyrical Fool says, there are times when it is best to save yourself and get out permanently!!

It takes two people constantly working on the relationship to make it work.

You appear to have had only one.

 

[Gil_T2]

Best Wishes for a good recovery
Wow... what a thread... tried starting at the beginning but there was just Waaayyy too much...read 3 pages on both ends & find some of the history similar in pieces to my own... the only difference is that mine goes further than the spouse or sig. other...
mine started at 12 years old & never really got better....
I have lost 3 children in court, 2 that I see rarely & supervised & 1 that I have no clue about anymore...I trusted their fathers to love & protect me & our kids...never happened....
I have had the mind games, the physical abuse, sexual assault, repeated shattered trust & alot more....
My scars run deep too but I don't think even time can heal these ones... there are too many to heal I am pretty much walking wounded......
I am wondering of my choice to re-enter into a relationship again, even though he treats me well alot of the time, there are things he does that make those warning flags shoot up in the air like: things he says to friends, places he surfs, pics he has, phone calls on his cell at midnight(&hang ups when I answer)....
As much as I try NOT to compare ex's with the person I am with... I find when I think about it I seem to be in a rut... big time...I keep picking the same type of guy....
you know the one... He pampers you with flowers & stuff when you are 'dating', come over & helps clean... does everything PERFECT just how it needs to be...
"Mr. He seems nice enough... until he shows his TRUE colours"...???
then just as you trust him enough to think it will work, you move in together & BAM he backslides into being almost exactly what you left before you met him... the wounds will always be there... any advice on how to break the cycle of choosing the ass's over & over again... cause I know 10+ years of councilling, psyciatric & positive influence training didn't even dent the problem... I am scarred for life... I poor pity the one that wants to be with the queen byiatch....
I have a lot of shit to dump but here is NOT the place...
Personally I wish I could have the restraint of some of the poster's that have "never had another relationship" I am so confused... I want someone with me but I don't want anyone near me.... I seem to do better on my own yet I crave intimacy/sex & find the casual stuff not really for me...

I'm sorry i haven't been here but got paroled from the hospital ( i say paroled because it's so frustrating being un able to function like a human).


Stegral don't think of seeing what your new partner is doing as refering to the past but uise it as an experiece that you learn from & if this new guy is like the other get out imediately, if your seeing the warning signs get out now! red flags are what these things should be known as & if even one appears step away& take another look at what it was.

when iwas thought i was ready to try again i hooked up with a lady who was wonderful but wanted commitment which i couldn't accept so we split up, lucky for me she has remained a friend then it was ladies just for sex i found but it lacked emotion then i met BANDIT just over 2 years ago & we havebeen in a very satisfying relationship both with love & sex so don't give up hope there are good ppl out there who won't abuse you.

 

[tbon45]

glad to hear your out. get better soon.

 

[Noor]

Glad you are paroled already, Gil!