How do you help someone get over being abused

[Noor]

hi gil how are you doing. well me not good my buddy is off to chicago.and now im left with no one. he was the only friend that i had. he has helped me alot when i needed it but now im on my own. its a bun day for me.

You will make new friends!!! Hang in there.

 

[Don K Dyck]

beguile? on an abuse thread? that would be pretty cold of me, no?

Uhmmm . . . is a 'pretty cold' another form of bird flu or something?

A wicked woman is usually very hot . . . in my experience

. . . and sexciting

 

[Don K Dyck]

thats what ive been telling myself all day her lose my gain. she will never find anyone that will care for her as much as i did.

Hi tbon . . . uhmmm . . . I'm glad that you've now got over this one, it is often a big hurdle and shows that you are moving in the correct direction, seeing the light as it were . . .

Whether she does, or whether she doesn't is really irrelevant . . . what is important now is your future . . . without her in the equation . . .

Dream big and make it happen . . .

. . . we were meant to be rampantly successful,
so dream your future and
go out and make it happen!!

 

[tbon45]

i try not to dream any more because they never come true. if i make it through the day the i accomplished some thing.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Funnily enough, trust wasn't a quality in him that I doubted. It was his total rejection of me, his failure to see just how badly I was in need of his love and support in a time of crisis and he let me down badly.


I had an affair straight after my marriage broke down.....and that had the potential to make me wonder about trust as I was right royally screwed over then.

What I really found necessary was to rebuild my faith in myself and my own sense of worth. It had nothing to do with the other people in my life and whether I could trust them...I had to learn to respect and trust myself first. All the rest fell into place soon after......

Thoughtful post, AW . . .

The first relationship after a relationship breakdown may not last . . . for many reasons . . . some of our making, some made by the other side . . . it is a frequent occurrence and part of the healing and growing process for us . . .

What we often forget in our rushed modern society is that the first person that we have to learn to love is . . . ourselves

This means believing in ourselves, taking care of ourselves both physically and emotionally, and not beating up on ourself if something doesn't go exactly as we want . . .

Robert Schuller has written extensively on what he calls "self love" . . . that is, caring for Number 1 so that Number 1 can play an active caring part in the commmunity. Look him up on Google and see what you can find out about his amazing life story . . .

 

[Don K Dyck]

First of all guilt for feeling good should only be if the feeling good came at some one else's expense.

There will be ups & downs but feeling good is the way to be.

Sorry I haven't got more to say but i'm having my own bad day.

And herein lies the key to happiness . . .

'Feeling good is the way to be'

 

[Don K Dyck]

hi gil how are you doing. well me not good my buddy is off to chicago.and now im left with no one. he was the only friend that i had. he has helped me alot when i needed it but now im on my own. its a bun day for me.

What's this rubbish???

'Only friend that you had'????

OK . . . 'your on your own' . . . do something about it!

Make it so that you're not 'on your own'!

There must be social groups that you can join, community groups that you can take part in, the Internet that you can explore . . .

The limitations to our personal greatness are found inside our heads, not among the challenges out in the world . . .

My mate Wayne is cripppled from the waist down since birth . . . he holds down a full time government job, drives an automatic car, plays piano . . . and bench presses 130Kg . . . about three (3) times his own body weight . . .

Indeed, he has represented Oz at the Paraolympics and is ranked in the top ten in the world for his weight division . . .

He believes that he is leading an ordinary life . . .

 

[Gil_T2]

Thoughtful post, AW . . .

The first relationship after a relationship breakdown may not last . . . for many reasons . . . some of our making, some made by the other side . . . it is a frequent occurrence and part of the healing and growing process for us . . .

What we often forget in our rushed modern society is that the first person that we have to learn to love is . . . ourselves

This means believing in ourselves, taking care of ourselves both physically and emotionally, and not beating up on ourself if something doesn't go exactly as we want . . .

Robert Schuller has written extensively on what he calls "self love" . . . that is, caring for Number 1 so that Number 1 can play an active caring part in the commmunity. Look him up on Google and see what you can find out about his amazing life story . . .

As you say the first relationship after usually fails as mine did,she was a very nice person but wanted more than i could give at the time & it ended but we remain friends.

tbon45 I'll not recover fully for about a month+ but some days are better than others at the moment.You friend might have moved & although you haven't got anyone to help you with the physical there are plenty here who seem willing to help with the mental side of things (chatting etc) here on LIT so hang in there & it's up to you to seek new friends.

 

[Don K Dyck]

i try not to dream any more because they never come true. if i make it through the day the i accomplished some thing.

Oh dear . . . Churchill's 'black dog depression' . . . this is a real yukky head space to be . . .

Bin there . . . done that . . . didn't like it . . . not going back!!

Dreams only come true when you write them down on a piece of paper, read them back to yourself and then stick them on the fridge door . . . where you can see them every time you go there seeking food substitutes for 'feeling good'.

You must read this dream paper at least once a day to prepare your mind for the good things that are coming . . .

Dreams come true . . . when you work at them . . . when you gear up your mind to be ready to accept the necessary changes that must occur in our thinking to facilitate the dream . . .

DREAMS + ACTION = REALITY

So DREAM BIG . . . then make it happen!!



<Pssst!! . . . tbon . . . this depression thinggy . . . it's the wrong way to go . . . you're not seeing the light . . . >

 

[australwind]

Thoughtful post, AW . . .

The first relationship after a relationship breakdown may not last . . . for many reasons . . . some of our making, some made by the other side . . . it is a frequent occurrence and part of the healing and growing process for us . . .

What we often forget in our rushed modern society is that the first person that we have to learn to love is . . . ourselves

This means believing in ourselves, taking care of ourselves both physically and emotionally, and not beating up on ourself if something doesn't go exactly as we want . . .

Robert Schuller has written extensively on what he calls "self love" . . . that is, caring for Number 1 so that Number 1 can play an active caring part in the commmunity. Look him up on Google and see what you can find out about his amazing life story . . .

I'll give him a whirl sometime, Don. Thanks for the "heads up". Always interesting to read another perspective on how to make it happen in life.

 

[Gil_T2]

BUMP

I hope all is well with everyone.

 

[Lyrical Fool]

Re: Dreams

Something I've discovered is that without dreams, I lose hope.

In my honest opinion, the actualization of dreams is secondary to their potential. In other words, the goal is in CHASING dreams, not necessarily having them come true.

In short, it's all about the journey. And yet, without the journey, the dreams would not be possible.

Yes, we all (well, maybe not all of us, but generally speaking) want that "happily ever after" with that "perfect person." My life is ironic in that I had to discover "happily ever after" by myself before I was ready to share it with someone else. (And I don't think I'm quite there, yet)

Your mileage may vary.

Just figure out what you're passionate about, build dreams around those things, and hold fast to them. The ride's bumpy along the way, but it's the only way to get there.

The bottom line is that there WILL be bad days as well as good. Unfortunately (or, fortunately, IMO) there is no shortcut.

 

[tbon45]

yes it is nice to have dreamsand chace them but what is the sense when some is there to take them away.

 

[Lyrical Fool]

My update since the hurricane:

I found myself, out of necessity, encountering one of the men from my past, and it didn't exactly as I had hoped. I realize that he still has (as of that point, have not tested it since then) a sort of power over me that I can't seem to take back. I will have to meet him at least once more to get back what he is holding for me (my cats since I lost my house in the storm and have no way to keep them as of yet), but until I figure out what that "power" is, I will simply not be in his vicinity.

A few months afterwards, I took a chance in meeting someone I had "met" online, and it turned out to be an amazing experience. I may or not be seeing him again, but it was good for me on so many levels; it was exactly what I needed.

Issues at work were piling up, and I found myself more assertive in a "take no shit" sort of way. I stood up to my manager (whom I was rather intimidated by) to ask for a schedule change, with set days off. It sounds a small thing, really, but it was a milestone for me.

And I've re-enrolled in college this semester for the first time in 12 years, despite what seemed like every possible thing standing in the way.

In short, the end of 2005 and beginning of 2006 has been all about conquering fear.

And I'm doing all right, if I do say so myself.



Now, if I could just shake this nasty cold which I've had since Christmas, I'd be just this side of perfect.

 

[Lyrical Fool]

yes it is nice to have dreamsand chace them but what is the sense when some is there to take them away.

No one can take your dreams away.

You can choose to give them up, or you can choose to modify them.

But no one can take them away.

 

[tbon45]

thats what i thought but the ex destroyed it all. now i have to start over but every time i do some is all ways stopping me. if you have yahhoo im im on tbon44

 

[Lyrical Fool]

Can't chat now...I'm SUPPOSED to be getting ready for work (and already looking for distractions.. )

You say your ex "destroyed them," but I stand by my original statement.

NO ONE can take your dreams away.

Hope your day brightens

 

[tbon45]

ok when you can get with me i will explain

 

[Don K Dyck]

ok when you can get with me i will explain

Uhmmm . . . tbon . . . I think lyrical fool is correct . . . you appear to have chosen to give up our dreams . . .

So . . . it is back to the drawing board and dream up something new . . . that is very BIG and very challenging . . . and then work to make it happen . . .

Great posts and excellent advice Lyrical Fool . . . thank you . . .

 

[Lyrical Fool]

Don

Tbon, I don't mean this harshly, but I HAVE been in your shoes. I have been at rock bottom.

And I stand by my original statement because I HAVE recreated my dreams, and modified others.

And I'm not saying it's easy. It's certainly not fun at times. But it IS possible.

And you can say that your ex destroyed your dreams all you want to; it's your right. But do you really want someone else to be responsible for your life? And a dreamless one, at that?

*hug*

 

[tbon45]

dont get me wrong i want to have dreams a nd hope. but itsjust hard when i keep getting shot down. now the other dreams i have from time to time when i do get to sleep i for sure dont want. there is nothing wrong with a good wet dream but when its about the ex taht is just wrong on so many levels

 

[tbon45]

oh yeah i forgot i have been talking to noor and she has helped me a lot. thank you noor. and thanks to everyone on this post that has given advice. i know i made some bad choices before my ex left and i have to live with that but the reason for her leaving has nothing to do with that she had been planning it way before that. it is hard to move on when you dont want to even though you have to. i have so much going on and none of it is in my favor and out of my control and because of that im pinned in a corner and no way to get out.

 

[Lyrical Fool]

oh yeah i forgot i have been talking to noor and she has helped me a lot. thank you noor. and thanks to everyone on this post that has given advice. i know i made some bad choices before my ex left and i have to live with that but the reason for her leaving has nothing to do with that she had been planning it way before that. it is hard to move on when you dont want to even though you have to. i have so much going on and none of it is in my favor and out of my control and because of that im pinned in a corner and no way to get out.

I'll share a secret with you that changed my life.

Get pissed off. Seriously.

Sit and stew and mope and hurt as much as you can. Sooner or later (in theory) you'll get pissed off about how much control you DIDN'T have over the ending of the relationship, over your life, over your emotions, over ... whatever, and you'll be angry enough to change it. You just may find yourself doing things you never thought you would just for the possibility of changing your circumstances.

When someone told me to get pissed off, I thought it was the most ludicrous thing in the world, but something I've learned : "If it's stupid and it works, it ain't stupid."

Anger is an incredible tool, when harnessed.

Another thing ... find ONE THING in your life, however small, to be grateful for. Analyze the hell out of it -- figure out why you're grateful for it and try to imagine how your life would be without it, how many other people don't have it.

And do that every day.

If nothing else, for the five minutes or so you devote to it every day, you're a little bit happier. If you stick with it, though, your perception of your life slowly shifts, and you start focusing on what you HAVE and not what you don't have.

 

[tbon45]

thats the problem with my anger i cant control it i say and do things i dont mean. im not physical though

 

[Don K Dyck]

oh yeah i forgot i have been talking to noor and she has helped me a lot. thank you noor. and thanks to everyone on this post that has given advice.

i know i made some bad choices before my ex left and i have to live with that but the reason for her leaving has nothing to do with that she had been planning it way before that.

Uhmmm . . . women are usually the party to leave a relationship . . . and they often plan it for years . . . 2-3 years seems to be common . . .

it is hard to move on when you dont want to even though you have to.

And here is the nub . . . You don't want to move on . . . so you won't

Bin there, dun that . . . there is a much better way . . .

Start out by following Lyrical Fool's sensible advice . . .

i have so much going on and none of it is in my favor and out of my control and because of that im pinned in a corner and no way to get out.

Rarely . . . very rarely . . . are we pinned in a corner with no alternatives whatsoever . . . we may perceive that as the situation . . . but is is rarely the real case . . .