How do you help someone get over being abused

[Don K Dyck]

im trying real hardits just im alone and no one o talk to. my dog cant talk he just looks at me like im stupid for even trying to talk to him. what i wouldnt give just to be held and comforted by a women right now. nothing more just want to feel agian

Hi tbon . . . welcome to Gil's thread where people sort out their whatevers . . .

Also welcome to your new beginning, where you build the future that you want for yourself . . .

Separation, divorce, decree absolute . . . ah, I remember them well . . .

The thing that frustrated me most was the unwillingnness of people to listen to what I wanted to say, to allow me to vent my feelings, to verbally sort out how I was going to progress. This was not helped by living alone in town or on a small farm. It didn't seem to matter because I took all my attitudes and perceptions with me wherever I went . . . unchanged of course.

In the unfortunate event that I have to endure the same situation again I think that I would do it differently. I would make a point of joining many different social groups and making an active social life with new people so that I could define myself the way that I want to be, using the reflections from these new people to help create the changes in my self-perception.

The most difficult thing that I found about the post-divorce period was the lack guidance. The depression was a bitch, but there was no body to turn to who could/would give guidance or tell me that I was OK, just going through the horrors like everybody does.

Indeed, the only bit of advice that I got was when I cornered one recent divorcee and pressed hard for a definitive answer to a fairly specific question along these lines. After a short thought she said, "Yep, that sounds about right for where you are at the moment. Keep going, it gets better with time."

Some advice . . . but realistic . . . the world is actually different to how we perceive it . . . what appears to be important to us in our grieving for the lost relationship and its unrealised dreams is mere bagatelle within the wider context of the world . . . contrary to oue own opinions, we are not the centre of the universe . . .

The past is our history, it makes us who we are today. The future is today's dreams made real by our actions in the present, today. Remember the past and learn from your experiences. Plan for the future, you will be living there sooner than you realise. Live in today, with all your heart and without regret for anything.

Don't brood on the lost dreams of the past but create new dreams for your new exciting future. Dream big and make them happen.

So remember that 'it is always darkest before the dawn' and 'when you see the light at the end of the tunnel at least you know that you are moving in the correct direction'.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Well, I've made it through another year, though at times it seemed I wouldn't (Due to external forces, like that silly hurricane or pneumonia), and I'm still standing.

I'm doing all right, I suppose. I decided against counseling -- I just don't think I have the energy to weed through all the shite to find the prince(ss) amongst frogs in terms of the counselors out there. I am making progress, I think, it's just slow going.

My third anniversary of being separated from my husband (Just passed my 2nd anniversary of being divorced in December) is coming up Feb 1, and on one hand I'm so damned proud of how far I've come as far as getting my head on straight. On the other hand, I find myself thinking "Why aren't I further along?"

Self sabotage seems to be my forte at the moment. As in, "I know I'd be happier/more clear headed if I did < insert something here>." So I do it, start to feel better, and then stop. Every. Single. Time.

So yeah, persistance and follow through are something I definitely need work on.

Just a funky past few days. It'll pass.

(Happy New Year everyone !)

Hi Lyrical Fool . . . congratulations on completing another year of your new life.

So have you set any new goals for the next twelve months?

 

[wicked woman]

Hi tbon . . . welcome to Gil's thread where people sort out their whatevers . . .

Also welcome to your new beginning, where you build the future that you want for yourself . . .

Separation, divorce, decree absolute . . . ah, I remember them well . . .

The thing that frustrated me most was the unwillingnness of people to listen to what I wanted to say, to allow me to vent my feelings, to verbally sort out how I was going to progress. This was not helped by living alone in town or on a small farm. It didn't seem to matter because I took all my attitudes and perceptions with me wherever I went . . . unchanged of course.

In the unfortunate event that I have to endure the same situation again I think that I would do it differently. I would make a point of joining many different social groups and making an active social life with new people so that I could define myself the way that I want to be, using the reflections from these new people to help create the changes in my self-perception.

The most difficult thing that I found about the post-divorce period was the lack guidance. The depression was a bitch, but there was no body to turn to who could/would give guidance or tell me that I was OK, just going through the horrors like everybody does.

Indeed, the only bit of advice that I got was when I cornered one recent divorcee and pressed hard for a definitive answer to a fairly specific question along these lines. After a short thought she said, "Yep, that sounds about right for where you are at the moment. Keep going, it gets better with time."

Some advice . . . but realistic . . . the world is actually different to how we perceive it . . . what appears to be important to us in our grieving for the lost relationship and its unrealised dreams is mere bagatelle within the wider context of the world . . . contrary to oue own opinions, we are not the centre of the universe . . .

The past is our history, it makes us who we are today. The future is today's dreams made real by our actions in the present, today. Remember the past and learn from your experiences. Plan for the future, you will be living there sooner than you realise. Live in today, with all your heart and without regret for anything.

Don't brood on the lost dreams of the past but create new dreams for your new exciting future. Dream big and make them happen.

So remember that 'it is always darkest before the dawn' and 'when you see the light at the end of the tunnel at least you know that you are moving in the correct direction'.

tbon

Don gives good advice...says she who was once there as well.

*this post is one of the reasons I admire you Don*

 

[Gil_T2]

im trying real hardits just im alone and no one o talk to. my dog cant talk he just looks at me like im stupid for even trying to talk to him. what i wouldnt give just to be held and comforted by a women right now. nothing more just want to feel agian

Don't discount your dog as they know your emotions, fantastic listeners & bloody loyal friends who love you regardless, if walking isn't to painful get the dog & go for a walk with him around areas where ladies hang out, coffee shops & the like, I've had great success in meeting ladies that way.

 

[Gil_T2]

Well, I've made it through another year, though at times it seemed I wouldn't (Due to external forces, like that silly hurricane or pneumonia), and I'm still standing.

I'm doing all right, I suppose. I decided against counseling -- I just don't think I have the energy to weed through all the shite to find the prince(ss) amongst frogs in terms of the counselors out there. I am making progress, I think, it's just slow going.

My third anniversary of being separated from my husband (Just passed my 2nd anniversary of being divorced in December) is coming up Feb 1, and on one hand I'm so damned proud of how far I've come as far as getting my head on straight. On the other hand, I find myself thinking "Why aren't I further along?"

Self sabotage seems to be my forte at the moment. As in, "I know I'd be happier/more clear headed if I did < insert something here>." So I do it, start to feel better, and then stop. Every. Single. Time.

So yeah, persistance and follow through are something I definitely need work on.

Just a funky past few days. It'll pass.

(Happy New Year everyone !)

Sadly weeding through those best suited to council you isn't easy & i gave up on it very early when I was told by mine "Your a man get over it !!!!!!!!" great & he got the job how? it is a mine field out there but it is vital for recovery as it took me almost 10 years to over come my fears of failing, that said I now have a fantastic lady in my life who copes with anything life chucks at us & I have a multitude of health problems.

Life is good
it might not be now but it will again so hang in there.

 

[tbon45]

thanks don thats exactly how i feel there is so much i want to say and so many questions. but when i do try to talk im to get over it and move on. some people just dont know how hard it is to let go. way back when it would have been no big deal for me but in the last 6 yrs my feelings have changed ive become more sentimental about things. i try to make goals or have dreams but ive given up on them because every time i do they get ruined. i would walk my dog gil but my back dosnt alow me to not enough strength. hes a 7mth old 70lb yellow lab he can pull 2 6yr old kids through the snow like nothing. he is a good dog just like having a bunch of 2yr olds running around the house. i understand its gonna take time but when the only friend i have that i get to talk to or hang it with moves next week i dont know what im going to do. if it wasnt for him stopping by once a week i would have already been dead.

 

[Bandit58]

"When the world has done you wrong
and you get washed up on the rocks,
just sit down take your shoes off
and squeeze the water from your socks."

Tbon I do feel for you. That said you've had some great advice from people on here. I've hesitated to reply to you because I was one who left her own husband, though there was no infidelity involved on either side. Even though he was an emotionally abusive jerk I stayed with him for years longer than I should have because I was afraid of being alone.

But that time alone was great. Because I had time to put things in perspective, to learn about the real ME that had been put aside in favour of husband, kids and farm. This may sound harsh but instead of having a pity party, get on the net or go to the library, and READ. Self help books (even Dr Phil!) are great. You can learn much about what makes you tick and what not to do to keep yourself from making the same mistakes again.

Divorce is hard no matter who does the leaving. Your life has changed and there's no going back. I went through crap with my ex trying to do the right thing in regard to the division of property. I ended up with 2/3 of what I was entitled to but to save him having to sell the farm and my daughter having nowhere to call her home, I did it. He's still paying me and will be for the next 7 years. I also pay him child support for her which is ridiculous considering he's paying me more than the child support is worth

You have to make the best of what life has dealt you. I've found love with Gil and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me despite all the problems we have.

Despite how it seems now, you WILL get through this

 

[Don K Dyck]

thanks don thats exactly how i feel there is so much i want to say and so many questions. but when i do try to talk im to get over it and move on. some people just dont know how hard it is to let go. way back when it would have been no big deal for me but in the last 6 yrs my feelings have changed ive become more sentimental about things. i try to make goals or have dreams but ive given up on them because every time i do they get ruined. i would walk my dog gil but my back dosnt alow me to not enough strength. hes a 7mth old 70lb yellow lab he can pull 2 6yr old kids through the snow like nothing. he is a good dog just like having a bunch of 2yr olds running around the house. i understand its gonna take time but when the only friend i have that i get to talk to or hang it with moves next week i dont know what im going to do. if it wasnt for him stopping by once a week i would have already been dead.

heheheheh . . . you can always tell a winner . . . they are the ones that get up that one more time than they are knocked over . . .

Only from your post . . . it seems that you have some medical issues . . . I think Gil is better qualified to discuss the magic of the Internet in broadening your social group in such situiations . . .

 

[Don K Dyck]

tbon

Don gives good advice...says she who was once there as well.

*this post is one of the reasons I admire you Don*

Ahhh . . . the wicked woman returns to beguile us . . .

 

[wicked woman]

Ahhh . . . the wicked woman returns to beguile us . . .

beguile? on an abuse thread? that would be pretty cold of me, no?

 

[tbon45]

in all honesty i do feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me but when i stop and think for that moment and say hey this feels good but then this guilt kicks in and then i think that i was wrong. does that make sense and is it normal?

 

[Gil_T2]

in all honesty i do feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me but when i stop and think for that moment and say hey this feels good but then this guilt kicks in and then i think that i was wrong. does that make sense and is it normal?

What guilt are you feeling ???????

Saw you posted that she would have left earlier if it wasn't for the Op NO GUILT there for you.

Not getting to see the kids NO GUILT there for you,isn't it her keeping you from them?

Get reading, GOOGLE some subjects like how to improve your mobility or any subject that takes the mind away from the things that are bringing you down.

There are a hell of a lot of very fine ppl here on LIT with so many health problems yet like me they are getting on with living & not letting the past ruin life.I'm on a machine for renal failure 10 hours a day, arthritis of the spine, neck & other limbs, diabeties, rotator cuff syndrome etc etc etc & even with all this I've found a wonderful lady who is loving & caring, So chin up & get going on improving yourself even if only of mind at the present it all helps & of course chatting to the many wonderful ladies of LIT.

OH & read,study & understand the thing on Mr G's thread
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=70892

 

[tbon45]

i get the guilt feeling when when i start to feel good. like im wrong for thinking that im gonna be ok. im sure it will be like that and go away in time. my mobility is limited because i have rods that run from my tailbone to just belowe my shoulder blades. i have a pic if you want to see it

 

[tbon45]

hey gil just thought i would post how im feeling today. so far im doing alot better. i do feel happier not where i want to be yet bot getting there. now if i can have a good day on thursday it will be a big jump for me. i might get my settelment.

 

[australwind]

i get the guilt feeling when when i start to feel good. like im wrong for thinking that im gonna be ok. im sure it will be like that and go away in time. my mobility is limited because i have rods that run from my tailbone to just belowe my shoulder blades. i have a pic if you want to see it

You should never ever feel guilty about feeling good...... I have been through the process and I learned to separate the guilt from the greiving....


I tred really hard to keep it together and I failed at that (and so did he!) ...but what I did realise was that I was allowed to be happy. I was sad about what had been lost but learned to accept that it wasn't my "fault".

It takes two people to make a relationship work and it takes two to break it. No taking on the guilt allowed.....mourn the loss as you would any other, but know you have peace and joy and happiness which you deserve to look forward to.....

 

[tbon45]

thats what ive been telling myself all day her lose my gain. she will never find anyone that will care for her as much as i did.

 

[australwind]

thats what ive been telling myself all day her lose my gain. she will never find anyone that will care for her as much as i did.

Its the person you will care for in the future who will be the really lucky one .... you will know so much more about yourself and what your lover means to you.

 

[tbon45]

true it just will take me awhile to get over the trust issue

 

[australwind]

true it just will take me awhile to get over the trust issue

Funnily enough, trust wasn't a quality in him that I doubted. It was his total rejection of me, his failure to see just how badly I was in need of his love and support in a time of crisis and he let me down badly.


I had an affair straight after my marriage broke down.....and that had the potential to make me wonder about trust as I was right royally screwed over then.

What I really found necessary was to rebuild my faith in myself and my own sense of worth. It had nothing to do with the other people in my life and whether I could trust them...I had to learn to respect and trust myself first. All the rest fell into place soon after......

 

[Gil_T2]

i get the guilt feeling when when i start to feel good. like im wrong for thinking that im gonna be ok. im sure it will be like that and go away in time. my mobility is limited because i have rods that run from my tailbone to just belowe my shoulder blades. i have a pic if you want to see it

hey gil just thought i would post how im feeling today. so far im doing alot better. i do feel happier not where i want to be yet bot getting there. now if i can have a good day on thursday it will be a big jump for me. i might get my settelment.

First of all guilt for feeling good should only be if the feeling good came at some one elses expence.

There will be ups & downs but feeling good is the way to be.

Sorry I haven't got more to say but i'm having my own bad day.

 

[tbon45]

why is that

 

[Gil_T2]

Its the person you will care for in the future who will be the really lucky one .... you will know so much more about yourself and what your lover means to you.

Rebuilding trust is hard but not impossible & the wonderful lady in my life now made it so easy so hang in there as there are many fine ladies out there.

 

[wicked woman]

Sorry I haven't got more to say but i'm having my own bad day.

(((((Gil))))))

 

[m.j.h]

Just a Bump to get to the top of the page.

 

[tbon45]

hi gil how are you doing. well me not good my buddy is off to chicago.and now im left with no one. he was the only friend that i had. he has helped me alot when i needed it but now im on my own. its a bun day for me.