How do you help someone get over being abused

[Brinnie]

you cannot directly help anyone, they have to have the will to help themselves...

You can inspire them, but that's it.

 

[Gil_T2]

you cannot directly help anyone, they have to have the will to help themselves...

You can inspire them, but that's it.

If you read this thread you will see that we have helped ppl & yes they have to want help too but having ppl who care is on important aspect of recovery & that is wht this thread is for.I originally started it to help just one person I had made contact with on LIT who wasn't dealing with life to well & so the thread began but many others have also found this thread a big help in their battle to deal with abuse.

 

[Don K Dyck]

you cannot directly help anyone, they have to have the will to help themselves...

You can inspire them, but that's it.

Uhmmm . . . Gil started this thread 93 pages ago . . . I have lost count of the number of people who have made contributions . . .

Has anybody been helped by this thread? . . . I dunno . . . it is still going and people are still responding to it . . . just go back a few pages and see what people have said for themselves, voluntarily, about the impact this thread has had on them and their lives . . . then there are over 23,000 lurkers, and who knows what they got from the thread, if anything . . . but it continues because there appears to be a need for it . . .

The only limits in our lives are those that we put there ourselves . . .

 

[wicked woman]

Gil and Don...you've both been kind...taking the pink comment seriously. While everyone is entitled to their opinion...the pink is making a reputation for herself of being fluff...working her way through a number of 'ignore' buttons. I'd take her comments with a grain of salt. Clearly this thread has done untold good.


btw you're looking very spiffy Gil....congrats to you and Bandit...that's absolutely wonderful.

 

[Gil_T2]

Gil and Don...you've both been kind...taking the pink comment seriously. While everyone is entitled to their opinion...the pink is making a reputation for herself of being fluff...working her way through a number of 'ignore' buttons. I'd take her comments with a grain of salt. Clearly this thread has done untold good.


btw you're looking very spiffy Gil....congrats to you and Bandit...that's absolutely wonderful.

HI WW we are so happy but also sad that so many friends we have made here on LIT won't be able to join us but you & all of them will be with us in our thoughts.
There should be some reports on the wedding from some of the AUSSIE LIT freinds who we hope attend.

 

[wicked woman]

HI WW we are so happy but also sad that so many friends we have made here on LIT won't be able to join us but you & all of them will be with us in our thoughts.
There should be some reports on the wedding from some of the AUSSIE LIT freinds who we hope attend.

Perfect....then I'll have to make myself an honorary Aussie for a bit, I think.

 

[HypnoticDreams]

Wow Long Time

Wow this has been going on for awhile about the abuse. I know that I've been through alot in the past. Has it helped anyone in the end or do you find it a place just to rant about your confusions or both? I am just curious

 

[Gil_T2]

Wow this has been going on for awhile about the abuse. I know that I've been through alot in the past. Has it helped anyone in the end or do you find it a place just to rant about your confusions or both? I am just curious

As the person who started this thread I am very pleased to say that we have helped & it is a worthwhile thread just for that reason.It has also been a plce for those who have suffered abuse to just find friendly ppl.

 

[Bandit58]

Wow this has been going on for awhile about the abuse. I know that I've been through alot in the past. Has it helped anyone in the end or do you find it a place just to rant about your confusions or both? I am just curious

When I first posted here I used this thread like a blog - it helped to put everything that happened to me in writing and the support of others was wonderful. I come from a small rural area where these things were not talked about. I didn't realise what my ex was doing was controlling and emotionally abusive. It took a friend online to point out that he was in fact abusing me even though he never hit me. I'd always thought of abusive relationships in the context of physical not emotional.

This thread definitely helped me, and it also helped me find a wonderful man who has shown me that not all men are jealous insecure assholes I hardly ever have nightmares now. I know what it's like to be really happy and loved unconditionally. Sure the odd thing will flash me back now and then but I have Gil and other friends made through this thread for help and support.

If you ever need to talk about anything that's happened to you, both Gil and I have open PM boxes

 

[Quoll]

Le Bump

 

[Ginger_grl]

Deleted.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Hi Ginger grl,

Thanks for the inspiring post . . . the breaking away is just the first step, and personal growth is not a static thing, it continues on throughout all of life . . .

But you make so many important points . . .

1. deciding to stop being a victim;

2. dreaming of a better future despite your reality;

3. choosing to make those dreams become your reality, as only each of us knows how;

4. then, as the television show says, "know one, train one" . . . reaching out to inspire others to make the effort to be happy by taking charge of their own lives, and living for themselves without excuses . . .

There is NEVER any excuse for physical or mental abuse . . . EVER!!

Every person has a right to personal safety, a secure relationship and happiness . . . we achieve these things by dreaming, making choices and working to achieve our goals . . .

Thank you for the inspiration . . .

 

[Ginger_grl]

Hi Ginger grl,

Thanks for the inspiring post . . . the breaking away is just the first step, and personal growth is not a static thing, it continues on throughout all of life . . .

But you make so many important points . . .

1. deciding to stop being a victim;

2. dreaming of a better future despite your reality;

3. choosing to make those dreams become your reality, as only each of us knows how;

4. then, as the television show says, "know one, train one" . . . reaching out to inspire others to make the effort to be happy by taking charge of their own lives, and living for themselves without excuses . . .

There is NEVER any excuse for physical or mental abuse . . . EVER!!

Every person has a right to personal safety, a secure relationship and happiness . . . we achieve these things by dreaming, making choices and working to achieve our goals . . .

Thank you for the inspiration . . .

Thank you and very eloquently put, you've just said what I wanted to, but better...LOL

 

[Gil_T2]

Thank you and very eloquently put, you've just said what I wanted to, but better...LOL

GINGER first of all thank you for your post, when ever I see a new person posting here my heart sinks as the thought of yet another LIT user dropping in for a kind word,a shoulder or to vent about their abuse but reading your post it inspired me.

Alas this thread has lost the eye of posters after the move but I do hope it will be found by any looking to drop in & I hope you will come back ofter to visit & contribute.

 

[curious dom]

shame

hey mate, it is a shame, but yes it happens in over 38% of relationships. That is only physical abuse.

Emotional abuse is higher, but not reported as much even though it still constitutes a breach of human rights.

there is a big focus on studying the huiman mind's adaptive capabilities to abuse over long periods, and why ppl cannot recover,.

Unfortunately most ppl who are victims, or perpetrators of abuse had an abusvie childhood, which can give them a latent vunerability to develp more serious issues, esp in regards to self confidence later in life. Stress is usually the cause of the vunerability to excuse itself from the mind and become apparent. This usually happens after the abuse, or at the end stage of an abusive relationship.

There is a lot of research into counselling techniques on the web, and a lot of free services provided for ppl who want help from this sort of predicament.

 

[Gil_T2]

hey mate, it is a shame, but yes it happens in over 38% of relationships. That is only physical abuse.

Emotional abuse is higher, but not reported as much even though it still constitutes a breach of human rights.

there is a big focus on studying the huiman mind's adaptive capabilities to abuse over long periods, and why ppl cannot recover,.

Unfortunately most ppl who are victims, or perpetrators of abuse had an abusvie childhood, which can give them a latent vunerability to develp more serious issues, esp in regards to self confidence later in life. Stress is usually the cause of the vunerability to excuse itself from the mind and become apparent. This usually happens after the abuse, or at the end stage of an abusive relationship.

There is a lot of research into counselling techniques on the web, and a lot of free services provided for ppl who want help from this sort of predicament.

Thanks for dropping by to the thread & the sad part is the free/easy access help varies so much around the world but it is out there for those who have been abused although the abused often find it difficult to seek help but they need to know all are on their side.

 

[sweet_marie]

you cannot directly help anyone, they have to have the will to help themselves...

You can inspire them, but that's it.

I would really like to say how dare you...if you understood fully, you would know that before one can have the will to help themselves, you have to be confident. And it is a very well known fact that a victim/survivor typcially has precious little confidence, in themselves or human beings in general. There is only distrust and hate...

But Inspiration...that is here in spades....the product of which is the very thing that indeed helps someone recover, gain their confidence again and help in the growth/reconciliation/healing process. Call it faith, call it motivation, call it sharing...its support and it fellowship and its sharing. Its knowing that you're not alone, that you aren't specially picked out to get crapped on. Its knowing that someone else knows what you are saying when you can't get the words out right. Its being looked upon with compassion and soothed with intelligent kind words rather than pity and condescending politically correct phrases taken out of a book. From what I have read here, and I have several more pages to go, that is inspiration...Blessings to all of you, and to Gil (happy wedding) and Don.

Marie

 

[Gil_T2]

I would really like to say how dare you...if you understood fully, you would know that before one can have the will to help themselves, you have to be confident. And it is a very well known fact that a victim/survivor typcially has precious little confidence, in themselves or human beings in general. There is only distrust and hate...

But Inspiration...that is here in spades....the product of which is the very thing that indeed helps someone recover, gain their confidence again and help in the growth/reconciliation/healing process. Call it faith, call it motivation, call it sharing...its support and it fellowship and its sharing. Its knowing that you're not alone, that you aren't specially picked out to get crapped on. Its knowing that someone else knows what you are saying when you can't get the words out right. Its being looked upon with compassion and soothed with intelligent kind words rather than pity and condescending politically correct phrases taken out of a book. From what I have read here, and I have several more pages to go, that is inspiration...Blessings to all of you, and to Gil (happy wedding) and Don.

Marie

In brinnie's defence she did send me an apology for her original post.

Thankyou for dropping in & for the wedding wishes as getting married again was the last thing on my mind after my last marrage but the loverly spirt of BANDIT has swung all my past thoughts out the window & my life is happier than it ever has been.

I too thank DON who always seems to know exactly what to say, I regret that I have not met DON in R/L yet as we do share a lot from our pasts travelling similar routes, he is a credit to LIT & to life.

 

[Mr.Cadillac]

Lifetime of Abuse...

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum, and I hope that I can gain some insight through it's use. I'm a 32 year old male, and I'm trying to live a normal life.

Growing up, my family treated me as if I was always "in the way" and constantly made it known. My father was never a part of my life until I turned 18, and even then, it seemed like he didn't want me around.

At a very early age, my 1st recollection of abuse was, when I was around 5 years old, I spilled juice on my aunt's now-ex-husband's suit and he hit me so hard I can still recall it happening like it was yesterday.

Also around this period, I was sexually abused by one of my friends who was a bit older than I was. In my teens, I had no self-confidence, and I never dated or had a girlfriend. No-one ever talked to me about girls, or sex, like mostly all teens when they have "the talk". That never happened with me.

Because of this, everyone would tease me & say that I was gay. I didn't have any of those kinds of feelings, and the more I said I wasn't, the more it fueled the fire for people to torment me, so I shut that part of my life down.

When I was 17, an uncle of one of my friends got me alone, got me drunk, and without my consent, performed oral sex on me. He tried to make me do it back, but I didn't like it, and I was in no shape to fight back. That was another crushing blow to my already-dysfunctional sexual attitude towards life. He did it to me again when I was 23 years old at a party when I had way too much to drink, and there were drugs involved.

As the years went by, I still didn't have any sexual desires. When I was 20, an older woman I knew who was going through marriage problems, tried to become intimate with me one night while we were drinking. She performed oral sex on me (I didn't climax), and when I tried to have intercourse with her, I kind of started to have sex with her, but I couldn't perform & we didn't resume further. Does this mean that I had my 1st time?

Later on, in my mid-20's, this guy started hanging around my family. He was a bit older, in his mid-30's, he knew my 2 aunts from school, and we became friends. He was like an older brother in alot of ways, which I didn't have growing up. Whenever I was around him, he was intimidating because he was stronger than I was, and I never learned how to defend myself, due to always being picked on, it was (and still is) easy to intimidate me & push me around, because I don't know how to defend or stand up for myself.

One night, after we had been drinking with buddies of his, he asked me to stay at his place because I didn't have a drive home. He lived with his parents after breaking up with his girlfriend, whom he had a small daughter with. Anyways, I was falling asleep, and he started to touch me sexually. He told me to be quiet or I'd be sorry. He performed oral sex on me until I climaxed, and I was so devastated that this was being done to me. He said if I ever said anything, he would kill me, and I believed him, stupid idiot that I am.

It was hard having him around, where he was a family friend. I was scared that if I said anything, nobody would beieve me. We would all get together at times, and he would be there, and he always manipulated a situation to get me alone, like ask me to drive him home in front of everyone, get me in a spot where I couldn't say no without it looking like something was up.

He would get me alone & do stuff like take my car keys away, and make me do things like perform oral sex on him, then he'd use his strength to hold me down while doing the same to me. A few times, he even forced himself into me by having anal sex with me. That hurt alot, and at times, I still feel pain & irritation in that area.

Today (April 21st) I got the ball rolling to make arrangements to get an AIDS test. I had one done in 1997, and I was fine. The majority of the sexual abuse I endured occurred in 1998-early 1999. I was too scared to get the test done, what if it was positive? how do I go on with my life, knowing I'm going to get worse? What would my friends think? would they turn me away? Those were among the concerns that I had.

It's odd I find, even though I've had no "real" sexual experiences in my life, and I'm still scared to at my age, the odd time, I'll flirt with a girl that I'm talking to. Is that odd? I live with 2 friends, and him & her both know what I'm going through, they are the only ones that I've really opened up to about any of this. I tried seeking profressional help awhile back, but that seemed to backfire on me. Should I just say "to hell with my problems" and just go out & have sex with a girl?

Whenever girls walk by that are attractive, I don't react like other guys, saying things like "oh, I'd love to jump in bed with her" or "she's hot". I don't say anything like that, because in alot of ways, I'm very shy. I feel that I wouldn't stand a chance because I consider myself not very good looking. I feel that I am too old to start dating for the 1st time. I never got the chance when I was a teenager like all other guys. Does this make me ruined for life. Am I damaged goods?

Thank you very much for listening, I just needed to get this out. All my life, sex, to me, was something dirty & was always presented to me as a weapon. I've even attempted suicide on a number of occasions over this, hoping that someday my pain would end. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't I be stronger?

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum, and I hope that I can gain some insight through it's use. I'm a 32 year old male, and I'm trying to live a normal life.

Growing up, my family treated me as if I was always "in the way" and constantly made it known. My father was never a part of my life until I turned 18, and even then, it seemed like he didn't want me around.

At a very early age, my 1st recollection of abuse was, when I was around 5 years old, I spilled juice on my aunt's now-ex-husband's suit and he hit me so hard I can still recall it happening like it was yesterday.

Also around this period, I was sexually abused by one of my friends who was a bit older than I was. In my teens, I had no self-confidence, and I never dated or had a girlfriend. No-one ever talked to me about girls, or sex, like mostly all teens when they have "the talk". That never happened with me.

Because of this, everyone would tease me & say that I was gay. I didn't have any of those kinds of feelings, and the more I said I wasn't, the more it fueled the fire for people to torment me, so I shut that part of my life down.

When I was 17, an uncle of one of my friends got me alone, got me drunk, and without my consent, performed oral sex on me. He tried to make me do it back, but I didn't like it, and I was in no shape to fight back. That was another crushing blow to my already-dysfunctional sexual attitude towards life. He did it to me again when I was 23 years old at a party when I had way too much to drink, and there were drugs involved.

As the years went by, I still didn't have any sexual desires. When I was 20, an older woman I knew who was going through marriage problems, tried to become intimate with me one night while we were drinking. She performed oral sex on me (I didn't climax), and when I tried to have intercourse with her, I kind of started to have sex with her, but I couldn't perform & we didn't resume further. Does this mean that I had my 1st time?

Later on, in my mid-20's, this guy started hanging around my family. He was a bit older, in his mid-30's, he knew my 2 aunts from school, and we became friends. He was like an older brother in alot of ways, which I didn't have growing up. Whenever I was around him, he was intimidating because he was stronger than I was, and I never learned how to defend myself, due to always being picked on, it was (and still is) easy to intimidate me & push me around, because I don't know how to defend or stand up for myself.

One night, after we had been drinking with buddies of his, he asked me to stay at his place because I didn't have a drive home. He lived with his parents after breaking up with his girlfriend, whom he had a small daughter with. Anyways, I was falling asleep, and he started to touch me sexually. He told me to be quiet or I'd be sorry. He performed oral sex on me until I climaxed, and I was so devastated that this was being done to me. He said if I ever said anything, he would kill me, and I believed him, stupid idiot that I am.

It was hard having him around, where he was a family friend. I was scared that if I said anything, nobody would beieve me. We would all get together at times, and he would be there, and he always manipulated a situation to get me alone, like ask me to drive him home in front of everyone, get me in a spot where I couldn't say no without it looking like something was up.

He would get me alone & do stuff like take my car keys away, and make me do things like perform oral sex on him, then he'd use his strength to hold me down while doing the same to me. A few times, he even forced himself into me by having anal sex with me. That hurt alot, and at times, I still feel pain & irritation in that area.

Today (April 21st) I got the ball rolling to make arrangements to get an AIDS test. I had one done in 1997, and I was fine. The majority of the sexual abuse I endured occurred in 1998-early 1999. I was too scared to get the test done, what if it was positive? how do I go on with my life, knowing I'm going to get worse? What would my friends think? would they turn me away? Those were among the concerns that I had.

It's odd I find, even though I've had no "real" sexual experiences in my life, and I'm still scared to at my age, the odd time, I'll flirt with a girl that I'm talking to. Is that odd? I live with 2 friends, and him & her both know what I'm going through, they are the only ones that I've really opened up to about any of this. I tried seeking profressional help awhile back, but that seemed to backfire on me. Should I just say "to hell with my problems" and just go out & have sex with a girl?

Whenever girls walk by that are attractive, I don't react like other guys, saying things like "oh, I'd love to jump in bed with her" or "she's hot". I don't say anything like that, because in alot of ways, I'm very shy. I feel that I wouldn't stand a chance because I consider myself not very good looking. I feel that I am too old to start dating for the 1st time. I never got the chance when I was a teenager like all other guys. Does this make me ruined for life. Am I damaged goods?

Thank you very much for listening, I just needed to get this out. All my life, sex, to me, was something dirty & was always presented to me as a weapon. I've even attempted suicide on a number of occasions over this, hoping that someday my pain would end. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't I be stronger?

You are not alone although many have different abuse stories it needs to be dealt with & PROFESSIONAL help must happen as just trying to deal with it isn't likely to happen on your own, you might consider using an abuse help line where you are anonymous for a start & that should leed you to referal to places to get the real help in dealing with it.


PLEASE DO IT NOW.


As for not getting the "TALK" I never got it either & when I showed BANDIT (my lady love) she too never got the talk, we are older than you & it was an era in which these things just weren't mentioned in most families but you are not alone with this problem.You mentioned about the lady & not being able to perform....this too is common from drink & drugs on top of all else including it being your first possible is feeling intimidated by her in her forwardness or even fear of the unknown.

Please drop back & let us know how you are doing or PM or email & please check back as others here have a better way of wording things than I am.

 

[Brinnie]

If you read this thread you will see that we have helped ppl & yes they have to want help too but having ppl who care is on important aspect of recovery & that is wht this thread is for.I originally started it to help just one person I had made contact with on LIT who wasn't dealing with life to well & so the thread began but many others have also found this thread a big help in their battle to deal with abuse.

you cannot directly help anyone, they have to have the will to help themselves...

You can inspire them, but that's it.

fucken awesome.

 

[Bandit58]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum, and I hope that I can gain some insight through it's use. I'm a 32 year old male, and I'm trying to live a normal life.

Growing up, my family treated me as if I was always "in the way" and constantly made it known. My father was never a part of my life until I turned 18, and even then, it seemed like he didn't want me around.

At a very early age, my 1st recollection of abuse was, when I was around 5 years old, I spilled juice on my aunt's now-ex-husband's suit and he hit me so hard I can still recall it happening like it was yesterday.

Also around this period, I was sexually abused by one of my friends who was a bit older than I was. In my teens, I had no self-confidence, and I never dated or had a girlfriend. No-one ever talked to me about girls, or sex, like mostly all teens when they have "the talk". That never happened with me.

Because of this, everyone would tease me & say that I was gay. I didn't have any of those kinds of feelings, and the more I said I wasn't, the more it fueled the fire for people to torment me, so I shut that part of my life down.

When I was 17, an uncle of one of my friends got me alone, got me drunk, and without my consent, performed oral sex on me. He tried to make me do it back, but I didn't like it, and I was in no shape to fight back. That was another crushing blow to my already-dysfunctional sexual attitude towards life. He did it to me again when I was 23 years old at a party when I had way too much to drink, and there were drugs involved.

As the years went by, I still didn't have any sexual desires. When I was 20, an older woman I knew who was going through marriage problems, tried to become intimate with me one night while we were drinking. She performed oral sex on me (I didn't climax), and when I tried to have intercourse with her, I kind of started to have sex with her, but I couldn't perform & we didn't resume further. Does this mean that I had my 1st time?

Later on, in my mid-20's, this guy started hanging around my family. He was a bit older, in his mid-30's, he knew my 2 aunts from school, and we became friends. He was like an older brother in alot of ways, which I didn't have growing up. Whenever I was around him, he was intimidating because he was stronger than I was, and I never learned how to defend myself, due to always being picked on, it was (and still is) easy to intimidate me & push me around, because I don't know how to defend or stand up for myself.

One night, after we had been drinking with buddies of his, he asked me to stay at his place because I didn't have a drive home. He lived with his parents after breaking up with his girlfriend, whom he had a small daughter with. Anyways, I was falling asleep, and he started to touch me sexually. He told me to be quiet or I'd be sorry. He performed oral sex on me until I climaxed, and I was so devastated that this was being done to me. He said if I ever said anything, he would kill me, and I believed him, stupid idiot that I am.

It was hard having him around, where he was a family friend. I was scared that if I said anything, nobody would beieve me. We would all get together at times, and he would be there, and he always manipulated a situation to get me alone, like ask me to drive him home in front of everyone, get me in a spot where I couldn't say no without it looking like something was up.

He would get me alone & do stuff like take my car keys away, and make me do things like perform oral sex on him, then he'd use his strength to hold me down while doing the same to me. A few times, he even forced himself into me by having anal sex with me. That hurt alot, and at times, I still feel pain & irritation in that area.

Today (April 21st) I got the ball rolling to make arrangements to get an AIDS test. I had one done in 1997, and I was fine. The majority of the sexual abuse I endured occurred in 1998-early 1999. I was too scared to get the test done, what if it was positive? how do I go on with my life, knowing I'm going to get worse? What would my friends think? would they turn me away? Those were among the concerns that I had.

It's odd I find, even though I've had no "real" sexual experiences in my life, and I'm still scared to at my age, the odd time, I'll flirt with a girl that I'm talking to. Is that odd? I live with 2 friends, and him & her both know what I'm going through, they are the only ones that I've really opened up to about any of this. I tried seeking profressional help awhile back, but that seemed to backfire on me. Should I just say "to hell with my problems" and just go out & have sex with a girl?

Whenever girls walk by that are attractive, I don't react like other guys, saying things like "oh, I'd love to jump in bed with her" or "she's hot". I don't say anything like that, because in alot of ways, I'm very shy. I feel that I wouldn't stand a chance because I consider myself not very good looking. I feel that I am too old to start dating for the 1st time. I never got the chance when I was a teenager like all other guys. Does this make me ruined for life. Am I damaged goods?

Thank you very much for listening, I just needed to get this out. All my life, sex, to me, was something dirty & was always presented to me as a weapon. I've even attempted suicide on a number of occasions over this, hoping that someday my pain would end. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't I be stronger?

I'd just like to add to Gil's urging you to get counselling. And also please stop blaming yourself for what happened to you:

It was NOT your fault!!

Some of us are not strong. We have low or non existent self esteem. And some people seem to sense that about us and home in on it and take advantage of us. You need to find a counsellor who will help you build yourself up and help you stand up for yourself. Perhaps even a support group for abused men, look in the phone book or try the link I posted at the beginning of the thread (long time ago so it bears posting again)

www.rainn.org

Good on you for making the arrangements to have the Aids test - I realise it will be scary waiting for the results but at least you will know one way or the other. That's the first step to taking control of your life Please stop by again to let us know how you're getting on, the thread helped me a lot when I put everything down in writing and I found I was not the only one this had happened to

 

[Don K Dyck]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum, and I hope that I can gain some insight through it's use. I'm a 32 year old male, and I'm trying to live a normal life.

Growing up, my family treated me as if I was always "in the way" and constantly made it known. My father was never a part of my life until I turned 18, and even then, it seemed like he didn't want me around.

At a very early age, my 1st recollection of abuse was, when I was around 5 years old, I spilled juice on my aunt's now-ex-husband's suit and he hit me so hard I can still recall it happening like it was yesterday.

Also around this period, I was sexually abused by one of my friends who was a bit older than I was. In my teens, I had no self-confidence, and I never dated or had a girlfriend. No-one ever talked to me about girls, or sex, like mostly all teens when they have "the talk". That never happened with me.

Because of this, everyone would tease me & say that I was gay. I didn't have any of those kinds of feelings, and the more I said I wasn't, the more it fueled the fire for people to torment me, so I shut that part of my life down.

When I was 17, an uncle of one of my friends got me alone, got me drunk, and without my consent, performed oral sex on me. He tried to make me do it back, but I didn't like it, and I was in no shape to fight back. That was another crushing blow to my already-dysfunctional sexual attitude towards life. He did it to me again when I was 23 years old at a party when I had way too much to drink, and there were drugs involved.

As the years went by, I still didn't have any sexual desires. When I was 20, an older woman I knew who was going through marriage problems, tried to become intimate with me one night while we were drinking. She performed oral sex on me (I didn't climax), and when I tried to have intercourse with her, I kind of started to have sex with her, but I couldn't perform & we didn't resume further. Does this mean that I had my 1st time?

Later on, in my mid-20's, this guy started hanging around my family. He was a bit older, in his mid-30's, he knew my 2 aunts from school, and we became friends. He was like an older brother in alot of ways, which I didn't have growing up. Whenever I was around him, he was intimidating because he was stronger than I was, and I never learned how to defend myself, due to always being picked on, it was (and still is) easy to intimidate me & push me around, because I don't know how to defend or stand up for myself.

One night, after we had been drinking with buddies of his, he asked me to stay at his place because I didn't have a drive home. He lived with his parents after breaking up with his girlfriend, whom he had a small daughter with. Anyways, I was falling asleep, and he started to touch me sexually. He told me to be quiet or I'd be sorry. He performed oral sex on me until I climaxed, and I was so devastated that this was being done to me. He said if I ever said anything, he would kill me, and I believed him, stupid idiot that I am.

It was hard having him around, where he was a family friend. I was scared that if I said anything, nobody would beieve me. We would all get together at times, and he would be there, and he always manipulated a situation to get me alone, like ask me to drive him home in front of everyone, get me in a spot where I couldn't say no without it looking like something was up.

He would get me alone & do stuff like take my car keys away, and make me do things like perform oral sex on him, then he'd use his strength to hold me down while doing the same to me. A few times, he even forced himself into me by having anal sex with me. That hurt alot, and at times, I still feel pain & irritation in that area.

Today (April 21st) I got the ball rolling to make arrangements to get an AIDS test. I had one done in 1997, and I was fine. The majority of the sexual abuse I endured occurred in 1998-early 1999. I was too scared to get the test done, what if it was positive? how do I go on with my life, knowing I'm going to get worse? What would my friends think? would they turn me away? Those were among the concerns that I had.

It's odd I find, even though I've had no "real" sexual experiences in my life, and I'm still scared to at my age, the odd time, I'll flirt with a girl that I'm talking to. Is that odd? I live with 2 friends, and him & her both know what I'm going through, they are the only ones that I've really opened up to about any of this. I tried seeking profressional help awhile back, but that seemed to backfire on me. Should I just say "to hell with my problems" and just go out & have sex with a girl?

Whenever girls walk by that are attractive, I don't react like other guys, saying things like "oh, I'd love to jump in bed with her" or "she's hot". I don't say anything like that, because in alot of ways, I'm very shy. I feel that I wouldn't stand a chance because I consider myself not very good looking. I feel that I am too old to start dating for the 1st time. I never got the chance when I was a teenager like all other guys. Does this make me ruined for life. Am I damaged goods?

Thank you very much for listening, I just needed to get this out. All my life, sex, to me, was something dirty & was always presented to me as a weapon. I've even attempted suicide on a number of occasions over this, hoping that someday my pain would end. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't I be stronger?

Hi Cadillac, congratulations on having the courage to get your story out.

Given your experiences, I would suggest that you go beyond Lit and seek professional help NOW!!

Your posting is the first step in a long process of recovery and healing. It will be a long road, possibly very challenging, with many "one step forward, two steps back" situations. But it is important for you to go forward from here. And professional help may be the most appropriate way.

This thread of Gil's has helped many people . . . please keep posting here if you feel so inclined.

 

[Quoll]

Just bumping this thread back to where it belongs.

 

[Gil_T2]

Just bumping this thread back to where it belongs.

I'll join you QUOLL in bumping the thread.

I hope it's back in the pages because we are not needed rather than not seen.