How do I NOT flirt?

[Johnny Mayberry]

I'm bad...I must be an attention whore. I need to learn how to resist when someone starts showing me attention online. Mostly, it is because I'm an idiot, and I don't realize that someone is taking me seriously, but I got into something last night i really shouldn't have...and I need to make sure it doesn't happen again.
So...even though that made NO sense, can someone tell me how to curb my flirting, and how to ignore or push away the flirting from others.(The offending individual from last night has been removed from my messenger....)

 

[Ms_Lilith]

I'm just nosy, but what could you have gotten into over messenger that was so bad?

And it's simple, really... When someone starts paying you attention... *grin* Think of Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Well...not much. She showed me cleavage, and made the suggestion about masturbation on cam(I was a bit encouraging, until i realized she was serious...)

When someone pays me attention, i need to tell them to back off, mostly.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

What's so bad about masturbating on cam?

I'm being honest when I ask...

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Well...nothing wrong, if both people are single and not in other relationships. Since I am involved with someone, I shouldn't have been even joking with someone who is interested in me.

(BTW, that is teh best AV you've had up, I think...subtle is better)

 

[sheath]

I'm assuming that the person you are involved with doesn't think that you flirting online is kosher? I've been in that same position with my man...

It depends, I think, on what the flirting means. Ask yourself...Is it getting into something that would cause damage to your relationship? Is it going to a point where it would damage a friendship with the person with whom you are flirting?

If so, then...caution, babe. But I think flirting is pretty harmless, for the most part...it makes you feel good. It makes you smile. It gives you a little bounce to your step. The problem only comes when you start to think of that person more than you do your s/o, I think. Or when you begin contemplating more with that person. Or something along those lines...

I had a boyfriend who flirted like crazy online. As long as he knew where he was coming home to, I didn't care. It actually added a little spice for us, because it stroked his ego and made him feel ten-feet-tall sometimes, which I then reaped the rewards from.

BUT. The flirting got out of hand, and he began to think about this particular woman all the time...then they began talking about meeting...and THEN he started to hide their conversations from me. THAT was when the line was crossed. When his intentions became to have more than just a little flirtation back and forth, that was when it became a problem.

You've asked quite a few questions in one post, and I know this doesn't address all of them, but maybe it is a start?

S.

 

[sheath]

Well...nothing wrong, if both people are single and not in other relationships. Since I am involved with someone, I shouldn't have been even joking with someone who is interested in me.

Hmmm...not even joking? Might I ask...is that by your own choice, or by request of your significant other?

Joking and teasing and flirting are good for the soul, in my opinion. If you know exactly where your heart should be, then what's wrong with letting your mind play a little?

S.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Thanks sheath...it isn't simple flirting that was the issue, it was the fact that this girl was obviously interested in me, and I should have know that any flirting would easily lead to her wanting to do more....

I have been making a conscious effort to make my flirting less 'serious'...you might have noticed it with in the 'oral' threads over here, I have begun saying "if I was single', or 'your man is lucky', because I'm not available.I'm hoping this was just a minor hiccup, and not something too important in the long run.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Hmmm...not even joking? Might I ask...is that by your own choice, or by request of your significant other?

Joking and teasing and flirting are good for the soul, in my opinion. If you know exactly where your heart should be, then what's wrong with letting your mind play a little?

S.

In that specific situation, I shouldn't have done anything...my SO considers anything explict to be cheating, whether it is phone or cyber, definitely webcam. Plus, this other girl seems serious when it comes to me(she's insane, but that's another thread)...and that's a feeling I can't return, and I shouldn't encourage her.

In general, I can flirt without my SO getting mad, but when it is obvious that one person is taking it farther than flirting...how long might it be until the other person follows?

 

[sheath]

Thanks sheath...it isn't simple flirting that was the issue, it was the fact that this girl was obviously interested in me, and I should have know that any flirting would easily lead to her wanting to do more....

I have been making a conscious effort to make my flirting less 'serious'...you might have noticed it with in the 'oral' threads over here, I have begun saying "if I was single', or 'your man is lucky', because I'm not available.I'm hoping this was just a minor hiccup, and not something too important in the long run.

Hmmm...some points to ponder...

Has your flirting been causing a problem with your s/o? Or is it just something that makes you feel badly when you do it? Do you tell her when you flirt? How does she react? Does your flirting make you question your relationship?

Maybe this is going too deep into what should be a simple issue...but...

I ask those questions because I've been in a situation where my man began questioning everything I did...his jealousy got the better of him, and he became very, very controlling. We are working on our relationship now, as you can tell from my threads. And it's working well...but...things can easily get out of hand if jealousy plays a role.

S.

 

[sheath]

Oops...

Some of my questions seem redundant...we are posting at the same time! lol

S.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Hmmm...some points to ponder...

Has your flirting been causing a problem with your s/o? Or is it just something that makes you feel badly when you do it? Do you tell her when you flirt? How does she react? Does your flirting make you question your relationship?

Maybe this is going too deep into what should be a simple issue...but...

I ask those questions because I've been in a situation where my man began questioning everything I did...his jealousy got the better of him, and he became very, very controlling. We are working on our relationship now, as you can tell from my threads. And it's working well...but...things can easily get out of hand if jealousy plays a role.

S.

Well...it ios more that I feel so horrible about it...she was disappointed more than mad. So doesn't mind general flirting, but the cam business went too far to suit her. I don't have a question about who I want, I'm sure of it...and I'm probably also making a bigger deal about it than what it is. Hell, I've given up internet porn, dammit!

 

[sheath]

In that specific situation, I shouldn't have done anything...my SO considers anything explict to be cheating, whether it is phone or cyber, definitely webcam. Plus, this other girl seems serious when it comes to me(she's insane, but that's another thread)...and that's a feeling I can't return, and I shouldn't encourage her.

In general, I can flirt without my SO getting mad, but when it is obvious that one person is taking it farther than flirting...how long might it be until the other person follows?

Ah. You've answered a lot of my questions here...

It seems that you and your s/o know exactly what you can and can't handle, so far as flirting is concerned. That is wonderful. It tells me that you and your s/o talk openly.

Now that little part has been cleared up...

I guess I have to ask...if you knew things were going a little far, why did you encourage her to begin with? And when she went 'farther than flirting', did you feel as though you would follow where she was going?

S.

 

[sheath]

Well...it ios more that I feel so horrible about it...she was disappointed more than mad. So doesn't mind general flirting, but the cam business went too far to suit her. I don't have a question about who I want, I'm sure of it...and I'm probably also making a bigger deal about it than what it is. Hell, I've given up internet porn, dammit!

Maybe it is turning out to be a bigger deal than it is. lol

And giving up internet porn? How about you buy your s/o a cam and have her do it for you? Best of both worlds.

S.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I guess I have to ask...if you knew things were going a little far, why did you encourage her to begin with? And when she went 'farther than flirting', did you feel as though you would follow where she was going?

S.

I don't know what I was thinking...I was originally talking to her about helping her fix things up with her guy(she live in CA and is way too young for me) I was kind of playing 'uncle Johnny', which I tend to do for younger folks. When she flashed teh cleavage, I thought she was just being funny...I have had several female friends do that, including my sister in law, so I didn't take it personally. When she said 'I'm gonna wank and go to sleep'...I said something back to her, jokingly...and she didn't take it as a joke. I immediately split, and deleted her from my contact list. She knows I'm with someone, and for her to be serious about it...I realized how far things had gone, and how little I wanted them to go that way.

I'm crazy about my lady...I feel horrible that anything happened(even if nothing 'happened', you know?). We haven't become officially exclusive yet, but as far as I'm concerned, as of last night I'm going to be exclusive to her.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

I have a friend who isn't allowed to masturbate. Seriously, his gf has laid down the rules that he's not allowed to pleasure himself, because she's worried that he's thinking about someone else when he does so.

THAT IS INSANE. So if it's your honey that's asked you to give up porn, which is perfectly normal and healthy, I think you need to reevaluate your situation. Controlling behaviour isn't normal.

And for goodness sakes. Does your gf know you love her? If so, then she has to be confident in that, and understand that flirting is normal. I'm sure she flirts, and doesn't even realize it.

I'm in a steady relationship. I love my man, and he loves me. We are confident and secure in our love. And so, we've set some boundaries.. I'm allowed to flirt with, cyber with, or have phone sex with whomever i like, as long as it doesn't take from our time together, and as long as it's not becomming detrimental to the relationship we share. My honey never asks if I've played with someone else (phone/internet) recently, because I'm quite sure he knows already, and he doesn't much care. He TRUSTS me.

Trust is a huge thing, and some people have trouble wrapping their brains around it, because of their own low self-confidence.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I have a friend who isn't allowed to masturbate. Seriously, his gf has laid down the rules that he's not allowed to pleasure himself, because she's worried that he's thinking about someone else when he does so.

THAT IS INSANE. So if it's your honey that's asked you to give up porn, which is perfectly normal and healthy, I think you need to reevaluate your situation. Controlling behaviour isn't normal.

And for goodness sakes. Does your gf know you love her? If so, then she has to be confident in that, and understand that flirting is normal. I'm sure she flirts, and doesn't even realize it.

I'm in a steady relationship. I love my man, and he loves me. We are confident and secure in our love. And so, we've set some boundaries.. I'm allowed to flirt with, cyber with, or have phone sex with whomever i like, as long as it doesn't take from our time together, and as long as it's not becomming detrimental to the relationship we share. My honey never asks if I've played with someone else (phone/internet) recently, because I'm quite sure he knows already, and he doesn't much care. He TRUSTS me.

Trust is a huge thing, and some people have trouble wrapping their brains around it, because of their own low self-confidence.

I gave up the porn from lack of interest....my lady keeps me more than stimulated enough. As far as the trust...we both agree that phone or cyber with someone else is cheating...and even though I didn't, she's concerned that next time I will(I told her EVERYTHING) We are both flirts, but it is when teh flirting is leading to more that we are supposed to stop. I stopped, but not as ssoon as I should have.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

okay.

then good luck to you.

 

[sheath]

I'm crazy about my lady...I feel horrible that anything happened(even if nothing 'happened', you know?). We haven't become officially exclusive yet, but as far as I'm concerned, as of last night I'm going to be exclusive to her.

Okay...I understand much more now.

I think it would be a good gesture to send this girl an email and tell her exactly how you feel. And make sure to let her know exactly WHERE the line was crossed. Sometimes us girls do things without really thinking them through, and then...whoa. What just happened? We ask ourselves that over and over and honestly can't find the point where we did something wrong. So, please, write to her and let her know.



S.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Okay...I understand much more now.

I think it would be a good gesture to send this girl an email and tell her exactly how you feel. And make sure to let her know exactly WHERE the line was crossed. Sometimes us girls do things without really thinking them through, and then...whoa. What just happened? We ask ourselves that over and over and honestly can't find the point where we did something wrong. So, please, write to her and let her know.



S.

Sounds like a plan...

 

[SupaStyles]

I think your are living the dream there girl. I know what your saying about controling and stuff and your friend is in for a whole lot of trouble if he is being controlled of what he does to himself.. That is crazy, I could understand if his gf found it didgustring or something but no masturbating out of jelousy is just strange.. He could just as easily fuck her and be thinking those thoughts.. But as far as your relationship it sounds like a great understanding but I find most (mainly females) can be threatend by the intamacy of cyber.. I think what you have is great but MOST people are not that understanding..

$$

I have a friend who isn't allowed to masturbate. Seriously, his gf has laid down the rules that he's not allowed to pleasure himself, because she's worried that he's thinking about someone else when he does so.

THAT IS INSANE. So if it's your honey that's asked you to give up porn, which is perfectly normal and healthy, I think you need to reevaluate your situation. Controlling behaviour isn't normal.

And for goodness sakes. Does your gf know you love her? If so, then she has to be confident in that, and understand that flirting is normal. I'm sure she flirts, and doesn't even realize it.

I'm in a steady relationship. I love my man, and he loves me. We are confident and secure in our love. And so, we've set some boundaries.. I'm allowed to flirt with, cyber with, or have phone sex with whomever i like, as long as it doesn't take from our time together, and as long as it's not becomming detrimental to the relationship we share. My honey never asks if I've played with someone else (phone/internet) recently, because I'm quite sure he knows already, and he doesn't much care. He TRUSTS me.

Trust is a huge thing, and some people have trouble wrapping their brains around it, because of their own low self-confidence.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

I think your are living the dream there girl. I know what your saying about controling and stuff and your friend is in for a whole lot of trouble if he is being controlled of what he does to himself.. That is crazy, I could understand if his gf found it didgustring or something but no masturbating out of jelousy is just strange.. He could just as easily fuck her and be thinking those thoughts.. But as far as your relationship it sounds like a great understanding but I find most (mainly females) can be threatend by the intamacy of cyber.. I think what you have is great but MOST people are not that understanding..

$$

You're right, most people aren't that understanding.. I have a really easy-going man, and we've had some conversations about this situation... We agreed that nothing in person is okay (which makes sense for many reasons), and so we've limited ourselves to online (although flirting in person is uncontrollable, and we don't mind it).

And I agree that my friend could be fucking his gf and thinking those thoughts.. *grin* But if I told his witch girlfriend that, she'd be fucked... why? Cus she uses sex as her tool to end arguments, and to get her way.... without it, she'd be up a creek without a paddle (she's really terrible, and all his friends and family want him to boot her out, cus she manipulates him, and tries to oust his children from their spot as #1 priority).

Sorry, went on a tangent.

 

[SexyChele]

Okay, you want to know how to control your flirting while online? Easy. Everytime you start to chat with a female, imagine your SO sitting right there next to you, watching every word that you type and read. Imagine what her reaction would be.

I am just coming out of a very bad situation that has involved and hurt 3 people, that I know of. All because one man could not control his flirting or know when it was to stop. You see, I met a man here at Lit a year and a half ago. He kept telling me he was single - in fact, told women didn't find him attractive. We chatted online, called each other, sent snail mail, and even sent gifts. Just 3 weeks ago I received a letter - from his wife. Not only that, turns out that in that year and a half we had known each other, he had dated her and then married her, and they are in the first year of their marriage!

Online flirting can get to the point of going too far. Had this man told me he was getting married, I would have wished him well, been a little hurt about it, but happy for him. I would have said "hi" when I saw him on messenger, but let him go. I don't know his reasons, and I doubt I ever will. All I know is my trust in men online is shattered by this. I do know that he and his wife are in counseling and it is still in their first year of marriage. I do think that in some deep recess of his brain he was hoping I would tire of him and break it off, letting him off the hook. I don't know.

Flirting in person is one thing. Normally, the person you are doing it with knows there is some one in your life and there may be real consequences. Online it's different. It's easy to hide who you are. It's easy for others to hide who they are. And it is very easy for things to quickly get out of control.

My suggestions? Let every female you meet online know of your SO and that you care for her exclusively. DO NOT go into private chate or messenger with women that you are flirting with. If you want to flirt, do it in a public place - you are less likely to have it turn into something more.

Reserve your messenger list for only those women who know about your SO and respect that relationship. I have a number of friends who are married or have g/fs. I respect those relationships by keep our relationship as a friends only thing, with very little flirting.

Do not play "knight in shining armor". It never, ever works - especially with young women. If a woman needs advice, let her go to people who can truly help her. Give up on the idea of being able to "save" some one. Or you might need "saving" yourself.

And the last thing? Simply do not go to places on the internet where flirting is easy. If you want to give this up, you can. It's not that hard, especially if you find yourself in the predicament you are now in. (guilt-wise)

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Thanks SexyChele...good advice, and I'm really taking it to heart. I didn't really do anything, this time, but I want to make sure there isn't a next time.

 

[virginleo20]

just think of Margaret Thatcher playing baseball naked on a cold day hitting you in the groun with the ball...


Unless that turns you on then your in a big heep of trouble...