Honesty, advice please

[Zephan]

My wife and I seperated for a couple of months. We are back together now and things are better than they have been in a very long time. My problem is that she has begun asking about things that happened when we split. Truth is I sowed some wild oats and had what turned out to a couple of meaningless flings. I have managed to change the subject and or skirt the issue of other women but I am sure she will not let me continue to get away with it. So I am putting it out to you in the Lit world. Would you tell here the truth and risk hurting her or would you lie and tell her nothing happened? Your thoughts would be appreicated.

 

[modest mouse]

I have never been married but...

I would say that you must lay it all on the table. If she is pestering you about it then she has some idea that things may have happened. Putting a relationship back together is one of the most difficult things to undertake. In order to do so, I believe you must establish a modicum of trust and thus hiding the events of the hiatus will only erode any long term trust you 2 hope to have.

Best Wishes Zephan

modest mouse

 

[Mischka]

Have you put your wife at risk for any sexually transmitted diseases? If you had unprotected sex with any of your wild oats, you need to get tested ASAP - for everything. If you think you may run the risk of infecting your wife with anything, you owe it to her to cease all sex until after the test results come back. Obviously, this would entail spilling the beans.

If you were a good boy and used protection every time, you still need to get tested, but I would say you are not under any obligation to reveal your activities. If pressed again, say that you dated around during the separation, and your experiences in the single world only convinced you how much you wanted to be with her again.

 

[KillerMuffin]

If you don't already have one, get a marital counselor. You both need to learn how to talk to each other without hurting or offending the other unintentionally. If that was a problem before the separation, it's not going to change after it.

As far as during the separation? If you feel it's none of her business, then you should let her know that in non-aggressive language. Let her know that you feel that neither your nor her activities during the separation should be discussed because those times don't matter, all that matters is your relationship with each other and how to make it stronger. Don't skirt the issue, that's just going to make things worse because she's going to imagine nightly bachelor party style flings rather than what really did happen.

 

[Calamity Jane]

You sure you want honesty?

You were seperated for a couple of months and in that time you had a few flings, and you want to know if you should lie to your WIFE who you (presumably) are trying to work things out with?

Show some respect for yourself, your wife, and the women you fucked, and be honest.

Tell her you slept with other people while you were seperated, and that you considered hiding it from her forever, and don't be surprised when she never trusts you again. But deal with the consequences of your actions like a grown up, not a 4 year old.

 

[freakygirl]

wow

this is a difficult one.

I'd go with Mischka's advice. Your wife has a right to know if she is at risk for a disease.

 

[Mensa]

Ross, is that you?

Wasn't this on an episode of "Friends" You know, the one where Ross and Rachel split up and he has a fling with another girl. Rachel finds out and forever after when the incident is mentioned Ross usually ends up screaming "WE WERE ON A BREAK!"

 

[Calamity Jane]

OMG, you're right! I knew this sounded familiar...

 

[Zephan]

Thank you

Thanks everyone for your insights. I have been mulling this over in my mind all day. You gave me some new perspectives and I thank you all. Have a great night everyone!

Zephan

 

[GuyJD]

OMG, you're right! I knew this sounded familiar...

ROTF..........Maybe this is why Zephan ended the thread as he did. Because the gig is up, his game is over, the truth has come out.
He's living a "FRIENDS" episode.

 

[Zephan]

I ended the thread the way I did because it was after midnight. I was tired and wanted to get home and go to bed. I am not a big fan of TV in general and although I have seen the show friends I have never seen the episode you mentioned. I did get some useful advice however and to those of you that posted your thoughts I again wish to thank you.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

If you don't already have one, get a marital counselor.

This is the best advice of the thread. Get counseling before doing anything else (except maybe testing for STDs, etc.).

If eventually you do lay it all on the line, then I would advise against details, just very ambiguous generalities should be enough - unless you want them used against you later.

Of course, she might be kinky and want to know details as a turn on, but in general most ladies are not that open minded, only the ones here.

Hey! That is a good topic for a poll! I haven't seen that one yet!