Has a Lit member ditched you and you have no clue why?

[Cheyenne]

From a thread about 10 days ago:

Originally posted by Nicole

What I ask of people is that if you talk to someone online treat them with the same respect that you would if you were face to face. Maybe to you they just aren't worth getting to know, TELL them that, that way they don't waste their time worrying if they have done something to upset you.

Respect people .... I think we would all like that.

I would rather someone say something to me along the lines of "leave me alone, we have nothing in common" than nothing at all and leave me wondering.

Originally posted by Cheyenne
To me, it is the communication issue. It is okay if you don't like me. It is okay if you don't want to know me. Not everyone is going to be interested. BUT, if you've given me any indication at all that you ARE interested in knowing me, don't leave me hanging and disappear without a word. Tell me the truth. Most likely I didn't do something to upset you (although I always assume I have.) And it probably isn't an issue of not being good enough for you either, although I always wonder. (Especially if I've just sent you my picture, and that's when you choose to disappear.) Most likely you are busy in RL, or just don't place the same emphasis on keeping in touch frequently as I do. Or, you really are indifferent to me and I'm wasting my time trying to nurture a friendship with you. No matter which option it is, just tell me. That's where the "respect" issue comes in. I'm worth at least that much of your time.

The quotes above come from a thread where we were talking about getting to know someone and having them just disappear from your llife one day, never to be heard from again. They disappeared from YOUR life, but you still see them posting on the bb. At the same time, they don't respond to your emails asking if they are okay and if you did anything wrong that might have upset them. You apologize, and you don't know what you're apologizing for. STILL, you hear nothing but silence from them.
For you long time members, you'll remember this description as being part of my history with an ex-Lit member now referred to by me only as "the snake."

I had a discussion tonight with a fellow Lit member. The same thing happened to her with another Lit member a couple months ago. One minute good friends, the next, nothing. She never did figure out what happened to their friendship.

So, here's my question of the evening. Why do people do this? Are there explanations other than someone being a snake? I don't understand how someone can just "turn off" a friendship- not say a word of explanation, leave and never look back.

Ideas, anyone?

 

[PacificBlue]

I'm trying to figure this one out myself. If you figure it out, I'll worship you forever!

 

[Angel]

Part of the issue is that it IS online. It's too easy for people do ignore over the net than it is in person.

 

[Cheyenne]

I'm trying to figure this one out myself. If you figure it out, I'll worship you forever!

Don't look at me, that's why I started this thread! I don't have a clue how anyone can be so rude to someone they once called "friend."

I'm not talking about an on-line friendship that just kind of drifts apart after awhile. I think we've all had those happen to us. I'm asking about the friendships that end quickly and permanently, sometimes literally over night. One day you're online chatting for several hours, the next day they are gone. THAT'S the kind of thing I'd like to find an answer to. How does anyone disappear like that and not feel guilty?

 

[Desert Amazon]

 

[Weevil]

I don't think anyone ditched me.

I haven't heard from the voices lately though.

 

[Laurel]

That's because your voices are over here. Take them back, dammit. They're LOUD.

I think people sometimes see the Net as entertainment, like TV. They forget that the people they deal with are real flesh&blood people with feelings. They think they can just "change the channel" and move on with things get tough or aren't as fun or whatever.

 

[Mr. Bootie]

Run that by me one more time???????

Or should I say, " Say What ?!?!? "

 

[Demian]

I'll say Hello...

Sorry to hear someone on the Net made you feel sad...

 

[Cheyenne]

Re: I'll say Hello...

Sorry to hear someone on the Net made you feel sad...

Thanks, since that has happened, too.

But I started this thread based on my conversation last night with the Lit friend who is still wondering a couple months later why this happened to her here, at Lit. Even though you know in your heart you didn't do anything wrong and the other person is the asshole, it is hard not to wonder what happened.

I have an addition to my original question from last night. Why does it also seem that the "friends" who walk away over night are male, never female?

 

[Nicole]

I dunno Cheyenne, I've walked away before, but mainly because at the time I was unable to give my friends the "full" attention I think they deserved. Too many things going on in my life that I didn't really feel comfy sharing with others.

I tried to go back to the friendships but it wasn't the same, and I know that is no one's fault but my own, so I found it easier to walk than to try to explain, because no matter what I am going through, they too have things going on in their lives.

I'm sorry for whomever I may have done that too, I regret losing the friends that I have.

 

[Andra_Jenny]

Friendship on line?

I cannot look at voices here as friends. It's hard to look at a screen and see you all as people. You answer threads, get to know people, decide you really don't like them. It takes longer here because in life, we shortcut the process by looking at the cover of the book. Here you just get the pages.

 

[Andra_Jenny]

Plus Cheyenne

Men blow up and then walk away. Women stew. And then, talk, talk, talk, talk.....


Really! It's true! You can't make this stuff up!

 

[miles]

Angel

Part of the issue is that it IS online. It's too easy for people do ignore over the net than it is in person.

I agree. The net gives everyone anonymity, and it's easy to ignore someone when there is no real face to face interaction. It also shows how little concern some people have for others, and on some level that probably extends into their real lives as well.

 

[Cheyenne]

Re: Plus Cheyenne

Men blow up and then walk away. Women stew. And then, talk, talk, talk, talk.....


Really! It's true! You can't make this stuff up!

Yup, I think so, too. But in RL, you eventually know what caused the blow up.

I think there is also a difference between someone you have only ever exchanged email with, or chatted with online, and someone you have spoken to on the phone or in person. Once you've spent hours on the phone, that friendship has crossed over the line into your RL, I think.

 

[Kymberley]

I too, have been in just such a situation. I was not sure when or even why it happened. I just noticed that once things in "their" lives slowed down or the "crisis" that at the time seemed to be over, I heard nothing more.

At first, I was hurt and wondered. I sent little notes just saying hello or how are you feeling, still nothing.

Finally I just decided that I would do here what I do in the real world. I will not bother to worry about what reasons people have for being rude. It is their life and they can live it their way and just leave me out of it. If at a later date, they decide they "need" my attention again, they will get only from me what they give. A polite hello or goodbye and rarely a few quick lines of frivolous comments but nothing substantial and certainally nothing that will make me want to worry more about their lives or their drama.

I don't need it, nor will I humor them with anymore of my time.

NO MORE DRAMA!!!!

Best way to deal with the online head games.

 

[Ksss]

I have met some exceptional people online who I talk to almost every day. These are not the people who can only talk about their crisis' and never listen to what the other person has to say. Personally, a friendship is a two way street, where both sides add to a conversation.

I have been on the receiving end of listening, but when something happens they are not interested in what I have to say. I don't need this. I genuinely care about my friends and what happens to them and will always give a shoulder to lean on, but in the rare times when I need a shoulder, I would like to know they are there for me.

I have been "hurt" by many in the chatroom here, who are nice to my face, but backstab me every chance they get. For those people, I say my cordial hellos, but that's it. I do not have the time or energy to extend a friendship to people who can't accept me or get to know me before judging me. I tend to be very evasive about my personal life, but that's me. I don't require a lot of attention, but I do like respect.

I try to stay consistent online as in real life. The only difference, online meetings I am more guarded about personal information. Until I get to know someone, then perhaps I let my guard down a bit.

 

[batter]

is it possible that someone has misread a reply or comment on the message board and took it the wrong way? sometimes reading a comment is not the way it was intended if you were to hear it by voice?

and while i am here...Good morning everyone!

 

[TN_Vixen]

Re: Angel

Part of the issue is that it IS online. It's too easy for people do ignore over the net than it is in person.

I agree. The net gives everyone anonymity, and it's easy to ignore someone when there is no real face to face interaction. It also shows how little concern some people have for others, and on some level that probably extends into their real lives as well.

I disagree that it probably extends into their real lives.

I've been guilty of "walking away" with no explaination before and I suppose it is because there never had been a real friendship there to begin with. There had been intial emails, preliminary getting to know one another stuff, but then either life or another email partner comes around that takes up a whole lot of your time and energy and you just let the other *relationship* go.

It is easier like Angel said - because we're online...
Also, how many people are going to truly give of themselves online when there is such a risk of deception from those you're getting to know?

I've had others do the disappearing act on me and I've never really taken it personally... I just figured other things got in the way. Besides you and I know good and damn well that if that person really wanted to talk to you, they would take the time to email.

If they don't - even after you keep requesting emails, then let the issue go. It has nothing to do with you at all. It is some issue that person has and who knows the reasons why they are no longer actively seeking contact with you?

I will forever believe that people online are, for the most part, made up of these sensitive needy people.... just let it go!

 

[Cirrus]

That's why I made my "sick of net people post yesterday"....shit like this. I told the guy I was writing with on the SRP board, and no, I'm not keeping secrets, search my name and you'll find out who it is, to fuck off and die yesterday. Literally. But at least he knew why I walked away, he's an ass, and as soon as my writing wasn't around to give him jerk off material I wasn't worth the time.

 

[*bratcat*]

Cheyenne...

 

[beckbabe]

I've had two people blow me off unexpectedly online. One just keeps saying he's busy, the other is gone gone gone. On the other hand I have some very good friends online that I don't talk to too often, but I still feel close with them. It's hard to have time for everybody. Right now I have someone who put me on their AIM, who thinks I'm ignoring him, but I'm not, I just never use that. I'll straighten it out, but I have to admit it's not my biggest priority. Sometimes signing into MSN there are so many pms it's hard to give everyone what they want. I don't get too upset when people are unavailable, people drift in rl too.

 

[Savage Kitten]

Re: Re: I'll say Hello...

Why does it also seem that the "friends" who walk away over night are male, never female?

you know.. i have a hard time understanding men in general... so anytime i have something that has perplexed me about them I go to one of my guy friends and ask them about it.

I've had a couple guys RT that I thought were lots of fun.. and that something might come of our relationship... just to watch them ditch me like i never existed.. all of a sudden no more calls.. no more chit chat.. just walk on past me like i'm invisible. Anyway, my friend told me that it is easier for a man to just "disappear" and let the woman think he was a freakin asshole than it is for them to get a backbone and tell her face to face that they weren't into her or that they weren't ready for any kind of relationship at that moment

so.. the condensed version: Disappearing is the spineless cowards way of dealing with things

 

[crystalhunting]

Re: Re: I'll say Hello...

Thanks, since that has happened, too.

But I started this thread based on my conversation last night with the Lit friend who is still wondering a couple months later why this happened to her here, at Lit. Even though you know in your heart you didn't do anything wrong and the other person is the asshole, it is hard not to wonder what happened.

I have an addition to my original question from last night. Why does it also seem that the "friends" who walk away over night are male, never female?

Well that isnt my style....I have never walked away/ignored/disappeared to any female on the internet,but I have been treated that way by other women on the internet before.

If you want to be treated with consideration,you have to give it.

Then again I am considered a little to wierd by most women anyway.



CH

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Because you're not "Friends".

Look, I've said this before, but talking frequently to someone on line aobut everything from anal sex to Casblanca in a frank, funny, candid, charming way doesn't mean you KNOW them. You think you have a relationship, and an understanding, and a closeness, and a past -- but all you really have is typing.

I'm not being flip here. On line "friendships" are illusions on a hundred levels, and you're kidding yourself if you think actual loyalty is being invested here.

Sure, there are exceptions, but ONLY after the particpants have agreed to expand the relationship to include actual face time.

If someone goes away it's most likely because his real life friends or lovers have become more present in his life. When your buddy calls you to hang it's easy as hell to shrug off that on line "relationship", no matter how much of your inner self you revealed.

You don't KNOW anybody on line, you don't KNOW anybody on line, you don't KNOW anybody on line.

Alfred Hitchcock once said that movies are reality with the boring parts cut out. On line freindships are the same. I don't wonder at all about people who "walk away". They're not "walking away", they just got tired of the same movie.